Planned Parenthood
by AlOlLove
Summary: Olivia and Alex try for their second child, but these things are not always as easy as they seem. Sequel to Day by Day. Femslash.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this," Alex was tense. This was their fifth visit to the fertility clinic, and four times already she had had to cope with the crushing disappointment of not falling pregnant.

"I'm hoping you won't need to," Olivia said softly, taking up her hand. "This could be our lucky day, Alex." Olivia chafed Alex's hand between her own. Despite the waiting room being warm – almost too warm – Alex's fingers were cold. Olivia looked at Alex. "We don't have to do this baby," she said. "We can go home right now. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

Alex tried to smile. "I _do_ want to do this. Well, I don't much enjoy the process. But I want to have a baby. Our baby. More than anything. It has to work sooner or later, doesn't it?" she looked at Olivia for reassurance.

"There's no reason why it shouldn't," Olivia phrased her response carefully. She knew how much Alex hated the clinic. She had felt the same way before falling pregnant with Lily. It was bad enough that their second child would be conceived in a clinic, but she remembered only too well how difficult it had been to force herself to relax enough to climax after the insemination. But she – and Alex – had read all the literature, and listened to all the medical advice. It was clear that there was a much greater chance of conceiving if Alex came right after insemination. Olivia smiled at Alex. "I guess we've had more romantic afternoons than this, huh?"

Alex's smile was weak. She was so grateful that Olivia understood what she was going through. It had taken them four attempts before Olivia had gotten pregnant with their now 16-month-old daughter Lily. Alex relaxed marginally as she thought of Lily. She remembered being so excited, and so terrified, when Olivia was expecting her. But she had brought so much joy and laughter, and love, into their lives. "We don't want Lily to be an only child, do we Liv?"

Olivia kissed her tenderly. "I just want you to be okay, Alexandra. Are you okay?"

Alex nodded. "I have you. And Lily. Of course I'm okay."

"Miss Cabot?" the nurse called. "We're ready for you."

Alex got to her feet, straightening her back. Olivia took her hand as they entered the treatment room.

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It took nearly two hours, but eventually Olivia coaxed Alex to a weak climax.

"That's it, baby, good girl," Olivia whispered, taking Alex in her arms. "You did good. Try and lie still if you can," she felt Alex clinging tightly to her. "Keep your hips still if you can. Hey, sweetie," Olivia heard Alex let out an anguished sob. "It's okay. We can go home soon. Just need to keep you still for 40 minutes. Lex, what's wrong baby?"

Alex just clung tighter to Olivia. She felt so miserable. Only Olivia's strong arms made her feel safe. "Hold me," she choked out.

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That evening, Alex sat in the much-loved leather chair in Lily's room, holding their daughter as she fell to sleep in her arms. Normally, they were strict about putting Lily to bed while she was still awake, so that she would get used to drifting off to sleep on her own. But tonight, for reasons Alex couldn't articulate, even to herself, she wanted desperately to hold their child as she fell to sleep. Olivia realized that Alex was getting much-needed comfort from their daughter, so she tactfully withdrew from the room and left Alex to settle the child.

Much later, Alex came out of Lily's room. Olivia looked up and put down the book she was reading. She got up from the couch and took Alex in her arms. She held her for a few moments, relishing the feel of Alex relaxing in her embrace. "Whisky?" Olivia suggested.

"Oh God yeah," Alex tried to smile. She settled on the couch while Olivia poured them both a generous measure. Alex pulled Olivia down onto the couch with her. "I love you, Liv," she said in a quiet voice.

"I love you too, Alexandra. Always have. Always will."

Alex snuggled into her arms. She kissed her softly. "I don't want to make love," she said, almost apologetically. "Not tonight. Do you mind?"

"Not one bit. Can I hold you though?" Olivia asked.

"Please."

"You want to tell me what's gotten you so upset?" Olivia thought she could guess.

Alex buried herself further into Olivia's front. Absent-mindedly, she cupped a soft breast. Olivia forced herself not to react, knowing that Alex's hand was seeking comfort, not sex.

"I wanted to do better today," Alex whispered. "I really did. But ... it was so hard."

"You did great, Lex. You came, didn't you?"

"Barely," Alex sounded so miserable.

"It could have worked. We won't know for a while. Try not to second-guess the outcome baby. It'll be okay," Olivia rubbed her hand lovingly up and down Alex's back.

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Thirteen days later, Olivia turned in bed and realized she was alone. She looked at the clock; 0646am. She listened carefully, and heard the unmistakeable giggle of her daughter. She smiled. Alex must be giving her her breakfast.

Olivia slid out of bed, and padded to their en-suite bathroom. She peed and washed her hands. She opened the bathroom cabinet to retrieve her toothbrush, and that's when she saw that the new packet of tampons on the shelf had been opened. Her heart sank; she knew exactly what that meant.

Alex looked up as Olivia entered the kitchen. "Hey, Lily, it's your mama," she said to the child.

Lily looked over and gave a huge smile at the sight of her mother. "Mama!" she cried. "Have toast!" she instructed, holding up a half-chewed piece of toast and jam.

"Hey, munchkin," Olivia kissed their daughter on the top of her head. "I'll get some of my own toast, sweetie, you eat that piece." She accepted a mug of coffee that Alex passed over to her. "You're a saint," she took a large sip.

Alex smiled back at her, and turned back to the counter. "I'll put some toast on for you Liv," she said, trying to keep her voice bright.

Olivia could see that Alex was trying to hold it all together. She approached her and slid her arms around her waist from behind. She rested her chin on Alex's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered.

Alex stiffened. She put on hand on the counter top, steadying herself for a brief moment. She put the other hand gently over Olivia's. "We have time. We'll get there," she said, in a soft voice.

Olivia just tightened her grip round her waist.

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"I feel such a ... failure," Alex admitted that night after they had put Lily down for the night. She tried to smile. "I'm not used to not getting my own way, I guess. Spoilt princess syndrome."

"Alex..." Olivia started to speak.

"I'm sorry. Self-pity. I just feel like I'm letting you down."

"You have never let me down. _Ever_."

"We haven't made love for nearly a fortnight. I know you, Detective Benson. You must be horny as hell."

"Honestly? No," Olivia said. "Make no mistake, Alexandra. There is no purer joy than making love with you. That sound you make, when you ... it's beautiful. But I only want to make love when you want to. And I know, the clinic, it's ... difficult. And I know it's meant you can't relax right now. Not properly. But you mustn't think that you have to ... do anything ... for me. I just want to hold you. Nothing more. Nothing less. I want to sleep with you in my arms. And when this is all over, everything will fall back into place. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, and you don't need to do that. Just relax, and let me take care of you. We can survive a few weeks without sex, can't we? A few months, even. Whatever it takes. I'll be waiting for you."

Alex's eyes filled with tears.

"Tomorrow's Friday," Olivia continued. "Just two more days of work, and we have some downtime. Let's talk tonight, plan something good for the weekend."

"Let's take Lily out. Sarah and Jay are back tomorrow," Alex smiled at the thought of her niece and her firefighter girlfriend. "Though I'm not sure if they're coming back here or staying at Jay's."

"We have better laundry facilities," Olivia said, drily. "I'm betting they'll come here. And it's nearer the airport."

"We barely heard from Sarah," Alex said. "I hope they've been having a good time."

"I'm guessing they're having a great time," Olivia grinned. "A ten-day vacation in Cape Cod is just what they needed. Sarah did so well, didn't she?"

"I can't believe she's graduated already," Alex agreed. "And she's starting work next month."

"It's amazing. We'll have a research scientist in the family!"

"_Neuro_scientist," Alex reminded her. "She's so smart. She's going to do it all. If anyone can find a cure for Alzheimers, motor neuron, MS, all that, it's going to be her."

"She'll have missed Lily," Olivia mused. "Jay, too. Let's all go to lunch, at the diner. And then we'll take the ferry, show Lily where it all began, huh?"

Alex smiled. On one of their first dates, Olivia had taken her to Liberty Island on a night ferry, and together they had watched the huge statue loom up in front of them. She remembered the awe with which Olivia had gazed at the statue, and she would never forget the words she had spoken to her. _"Freedom and opportunity. That's what she symbolizes. And that's what you are to me, Alexandra. More than that, you have brought me love."_

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"Do you think she's okay?" Jay asked Sarah that Sunday evening, as they let themselves into her apartment.

Sarah nodded. "She will be. She has Olivia."

"She seems so sad."

"I think she really thought it would work this time. I think maybe she's wondering if it will ever happen for her."

"We have all that to come, one day, I suppose," Jay said. "It'll be kinda strange, huh?" She looked over at her girlfriend and smiled. Just the knowledge that they planned to be together when it came time to have kids was exciting. "You know what I'm looking forward to? _Really_ looking forward to?" her eyes twinkled.

"Surprise me," Sarah teased.

"I wanna be a grandma. I want _us_ to be grandmas. Sitting on the park bench, watching our grandbabies playing."

Sarah grinned. "I know what I'm looking forward to," she said, her voice lowering as she reached out to unbutton Jay's shirt. "I'm looking forward to making out with the hottest grandma in the city."

"Just the city?" Jay pouted comically.

"The state. The country! Hell, the _continent_."

"Well, if you must put geographical limitations on my appeal...," Jay pretended to sulk and pulled away in jest.

"What time are you working tomorrow?" Sarah checked her watch.

"Not until 2pm," Jay smiled, seeing her lover's brain click into gear.

"Well, Ms Kazinsky. That's 18 hours from now. I suggest you make use of the time we have and prove to me just how global your skills really are," she tugged playfully at the hem of Jay's shirt.

"Is that a challenge?"

"It most certainly is officer," Sarah grinned.

"I do so like a challenge," Jay whispered."

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As Olivia came into the apartment that Wednesday evening, Alex looked at her watch. 10.48pm. "Hey, honey, long day, huh?" she kissed Olivia tenderly, looking anxiously at the worry lines at the corners of Olivia's eyes.

"Yeah," Olivia tried not to yawn. "I'm sorry, Lex, you shouldn't have waited up for me."

"I didn't want to go to bed alone," Alex admitted. "I like it better when you're there next to me."

Olivia smiled. "How was _your_ day?" she tried to deflect attention from her own day from hell.

"It was fine. Good, in many ways. Caryn's been driving me crazy, but she means well. I never imagined it would work out, having her there. But it's been okay. She's still flirting outrageously with me, and you should just hear some of the things she says about you!"

"She knows how lucky I am," Olivia said. She liked Caryn Wright too, a fairly recent addition to Alex's office. She had been prepared to hate her, as she knew even before she met her that she had been Alex's only one-night stand. But Caryn was humorous, sharp, acidic and, deep down, decent. She had seen immediately how close Olivia and Alex were, and had backed right off. But she had maintained the blatant flirting, with both of them, even going so far as to nickname Olivia 'Hot Cop', or 'HC', depending on her mood. Olivia had nearly spit out her coffee one day when Caryn had announced loudly that Alex really should appreciate the 'spectacular boob-age' of her girlfriend.

"Did you eat?" Alex asked Olivia.

"Yeah, we had Chinese in the squadroom," Olivia said. Her voice cracked. "We were too late," she said. "We got him, but we were too late."

"I heard," Alex spoke softly. She dreaded days like this. The squad had been on the job since 1.15am, but they hadn't reached the abducted child in time to save him from the rapist. The rapist was now in jail, but the boy was scarred for life. He was four-and-a-half years old. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

Olivia nodded. "You have to make sure he never gets out."

"I swear," Alex promised her.

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"Did you sleep?" Alex smiled as Olivia blinked owlishly the following morning.

"Yeah," Olivia sounded surprised. "I did. Though I had a great idea before I did."

"Oh yes?"

"Do you think you could get any time off next week? Say Monday to Wednesday?"

"I guess... we're not that busy. I've got the Hopkins hearing on Tuesday afternoon, but if I ask Caryn nicely, she may be able to cover for me. Why?" Alex was intrigued.

"Cragen told me I have to take some of my vacation days soon, or I'll lose them. And _you_, you need to relax. Get away from it all. Forget all about the fertility clinic."

"What's on your mind, detective?"

"Let's go away for a few days. Take Lily for her first vacation. Somewhere different. In the country. Maybe up to the Great Lakes, something like that? We both need to breathe clean air, get back some perspective."

"Get back my sex drive too?" Alex said, a little sadly.

Olivia looked at her. "That's not what I meant," she said softly. "I just want you to take it easy. Stop being so hard on yourself. Take some time out from everything. We'll go for long walks, maybe take a boat. Show Lily some of the beautiful countryside. What do you think, Lex?" Olivia sounded eager.

"I think it's a great idea. I'll talk to Liz and Caryn today."

"I'll book us somewhere," Olivia sounded excited. "This is going to be great, Alexandra."

"It's going to be perfect, Liv," Alex said.


	2. Chapter 2

"Cabot!" Alex snapped into her phone.

"Bad time, huh?" Olivia spoke with humor in her voice.

Alex relaxed, and let out a bark of laughter. "Hey, sweetie. No, it's fine. I thought you were that weasel defense attorney. I wanted to scare him."

"Well, you scared _me_," Olivia teased. "Just wondered if you had ten minutes to spare?"

"Sure, Liv. What's up?" Alex asked, as she heard a gentle tap on the door.

Olivia poked her head around the door, holding her cellphone in the air. "I brought you a visitor," she stepped into the office, Lily perched on her hip. "Someone wanted to see Mommy at work."

Alex's face split into a wide grin. She strode toward Olivia, kissing her tenderly. "Hey, baby girl," she said to Lily, taking her from Olivia. "You came for a visit, huh?"

Lily nodded solemnly, and smiled. "You working, Mommy?"

"I am, chipmunk, but I can always take a break for my favorite girls." She lowered her to the floor, smiling as Lily held onto one finger as she stood. "You wanna go find a toy?" Alex suggested, and Lily grinned as she took off toward the toy box she knew that Alex kept by the side of the couch.

"So to what do I owe the honor of this visit?" Alex asked Olivia.

Olivia could barely contain her excitement. "I've found the perfect place! It's recommended by the pink website. Apparently it's very gay friendly, there are recommendations from lots of lesbian families. It's by the shore of Lake Ontario. You can get a room with a lake view. It looks ideal for us. It's even got a swimming pool and a playground that's fully enclosed, so Lily will be safe. Here," Olivia typed a web address into Alex's computer. "See what you think."

Alex watched as the link came up. "It's on the Canadian side!" she laughed. "We don't have a passport for Lily."

"We do now," Olivia said. "Guess where we've been this afternoon?"

"Passport Agency? Liv, you don't have time for that."

"Elliot covered for me. We made a deal. I'm staying late to finish his 5s. What do you think, Alex?" Olivia tried to hide her excitement.

Alex was scrolling through all the pages and pictures. "It looks amazing, Olivia," she spoke softly. "Did you book it?"

"Not yet. I wanted to run it past you first. But I'm thinking, if you can get out early on Friday, we could get the 4.30pm flight to Toronto, hire a car when we get there, we should be at the hotel by 8pm latest. Lily could cope with that, huh? Then we stay five nights, and get back mid-Wednesday. What do you think, Alex?"

"I think it sounds wonderful. So that's where you've been Lily," Alex smiled at her daughter, who was toddling toward her, a toy fire truck in her hand.

Lily grinned. "Mama's surprise," she said.

"It certainly is, Lily. We're going on vacation. Isn't that exciting?"

Lily held the truck out to Alex. "Jay's truck!" she declared.

"That's right, my angel. Do you remember when we went to see Jay at the fire station?"

Lily nodded. "Go again?" she asked.

"We will one day," Alex said. "Right now, you can come with me to visit your evil auntie Caryn. She made me promise to bring you to see her whenever you came in. And, if we ask her nicely, maybe she'll cover for me when I'm away. We'll see if Liz is around too," Alex put out her hand, which Lily grasped and they headed for the door. She turned to Olivia, "get booking, woman," she ordered, laughing at the look on Olivia's face. "We'll be right back."

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Alex and Lily returned ten minutes later. Olivia was seated in Alex's chair, a very smug look on her face. "You can get the time?" she asked.

"Caryn's said she'll cover. I won't embarrass you by telling you exactly what she said. Suffice it to say, she is in favor of us spending time together."

"That woman has no boundaries," Olivia replied with a grin. "That's great, I just made a provisional booking. Five nights, Friday to Tuesday, we'll come home Wednesday. They sound so nice at the hotel. Apparently they get lots of families visiting. Lots of same sex parents, too, so we won't have to deal with any …" she stopped herself cursing just in time, "... difficulties."

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**Friday 11am**

"Liv?" Alex sounded harassed.

"Is everything alright, baby?" Olivia asked through the phone.

"It's the Smythe case. Something's come up. I'm going to have to meet you at the airport. Is that okay?"

"Are you okay, Alexandra?" Olivia was worried by the tension in her lover's voice.

"I'm fine, sweetheart, truly. But she wants to talk to me, and only me, at 1pm. It should only take a half hour. I've told them our flight's at 4.30pm, everyone's on board with that. I won't be late, I swear."

"As long as you're okay."

"I'm fine. I just feel bad, leaving you to deal with everything."

"Oh we're doing fine here," Olivia said, and turned to their daughter who was sitting on their bed, surrounded by clothes. "Lily and I are just packing, aren't we Lily? Your Mommy's on the phone," she told the child.

"Mommy!" Lily called.

"Can you pack my red dress?" Alex asked. "In case there's a babysitting service," she lowered her voice, even though nobody was listening. "I might get to take you to dinner."

"There is babysitting available," Olivia told her. "And I'm going to hold you to that. And your dress was one of the first things I packed, along with those killer heels of yours. Is there anything else special you want me to bring?"

"Just you and Lily," Alex laughed. "I'll be there on time. I swear."

"I know you will baby. Try not to worry. We're going to have a great time."

"We'll have a _wonderful_ time," Alex said. "I can't think of anything better than a vacation with my two best girls. I'll see you at the airport."

"We'll look forward to it," Olivia said softly. "I love you, Alexandra."

"Back at you, detective," Alex smiled as she hung up the phone.

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Alex looked around at the airport, hoping to spot her family. She heard a loud "Mommy!" behind her and spun round, to see her lover holding their daughter firmly by the hand.

Alex smiled at the child, and beamed at Olivia. "You got your hair cut!" she declared, reaching out to touch the short, soft locks.

Olivia grinned. "I know how you like it short," she said. "We thought we'd surprise you, didn't we Lily?"

"I love it whatever its length. But you do look especially hot when it's like this," Alex felt a quickening in her that had been dormant for the last few weeks. She kissed Olivia tenderly on the lips. "C'mon, let's check in!" she said.

"Already done," Olivia said. "And the bags are through. And the nice girl at the desk is holding the seat next to us for you, go, get checked in."

"How did you manage that?"

"I think she likes the haircut too," Olivia laughed. "And she _loved_ Lily. You gave her one of your special smiles, didn't you Lily-bean?"

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"Look baby girl," Alex held Lily on her lap, while the toddler shoved her face right up to the window. "That's clouds. We're in the sky Lily."

Lily's face held a look of wonder. "God lives in the sky," she announced confidently.

"He does, chipmunk. God is everywhere," Olivia said lovingly, resting her hand on Alex's leg.

"That's right," Alex agreed. "Though where he was when our flight was delayed by two hours, I don't know!" she added humorously under her breath.

"Everything else will go smoothly," Olivia reassured her. "So Lily'll be late to bed tonight. We can lie in tomorrow. We're on vacation!"

Alex took Olivia's hand, interlacing her fingers. "It feels so good, knowing we don't have to worry about anything for nearly a week."

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Lily snuggled tiredly into Alex's front, while Olivia took charge of their bags and the stroller. Once everything was on a luggage trolley, she fumbled in her jacket pocket. "I knew I had it!" she smiled as she withdrew the piece of paper that held the hire car details. "It's here," she pointed to a desk.

Alex smiled as Olivia checked their car carefully and then, even more carefully, inspected the child seat that Lily would be travelling in. "Sorry," Olivia said to the car hire operative after checking everything. "I don't mean to be fussy..."

"You need it all to be safe. I understand," he smiled kindly. "You're quite right to check everything. You'd be amazed by the number of parents that don't bother. Well, if everything's in order, I'll wish you a very enjoyable vacation. Our number is on here," he passed her a card, "if you need anything."

Olivia smiled and shook his hand. "Thank you," she said, watching as Alex carefully lowered a sleeping Lily into the seat and buckled her in.

"We should be there in 90 minutes," Olivia smiled at Alex. "All tucked up by 10.30pm. I'm so sorry we're so late, honey."

Alex smiled back at her. "This is fine, Liv. We're on vacation. I don't care about _anything_ right now. I can't remember when I felt so relaxed. Want me to drive?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, I'm happy to drive."

When they arrived at the hotel, they were greeted at the desk by a young woman, who welcomed them warmly. "Hi, I'm Amy," she said. "You must be Ms Benson and Ms Cabot?"

"I'm Benson, call me Olivia. And this is Alex Cabot," Olivia gestured to Alex, who was carrying their sleeping daughter.

"So who's this little one then?" Amy asked, smiling as Lily snuffled.

"This is Lily," Olivia smiled proudly. "Our daughter."

"She's beautiful," Amy smiled. "We've put you on the ground floor. You've got a small balcony outside, and we thought it would be safer in case anyone decided to climb the railings on the balcony! Is that okay?"

"That's perfect. She's on the move all the time these days," Olivia grinned.

"You have a junior suite, which is a king size room with sitting area, with a single adjoining. The single has a crib, and there's also a small fridge and microwave. Is there anything else you need?"

"I think you've thought of everything," Alex said. "Thank you so much."

"I just need your passports, if that's okay," Amy said.

Olivia had already gathered up their bags and the stroller, so her hands were full. "I think you've got those, honey?" she said to Alex.

Alex tried to reach inside her jacket without dislodging Lily.

"Want me to take her?" Amy offered.

Alex passed over their daughter, and smiled as Lily merely whimpered slightly and buried herself in Amy's front. "She likes you," she said, reaching into her inside pocket for the passports.

"She has good taste!" Amy laughed. "If you could just put those on the desk, that'd be great. Okay," reluctantly she handed the child back. "Let me show you to your room. Let me take that," she reached down for the large wheeled suitcase and took it from Olivia, lessening her burden.

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An hour later, they were settled and unpacked, and Lily was settled in her crib. Olivia stepped out onto their balcony, enjoying the fresh but still warm air. There was an unimpeded view of the lake, and Olivia let out a deep breath.

"Relaxing?" Alex's voice came from behind her.

"Oh God yes," Olivia turned and saw Alex holding two tumblers of whisky. "Where did you get that?"

"I picked up a bottle in duty free, while you were changing Lily's diaper."

Olivia took a sip. "This is good stuff. Single malt."

"From the Scottish Highlands. Nothing but the best for my lady," Alex slid one hand around Olivia's waist. "This was such a good idea, Liv."

Alex felt happy and relaxed, and she could see the stresses of the recent case fall away from Olivia too. They would be alright, she decided. Whatever did, or didn't happen, at the fertility clinic. She already had more than she had ever imagined she would have. She smiled as Olivia pulled her into a one-armed hug, and snuggled into her neck. She reached up and tousled her hand through Olivia's short hair. "Your hair was like this when we first met," she mused.

"Yeah," Olivia said. "It was just laziness, really. It's easier to take care of. You like it, huh?"

"You know I do," Alex caressed her soft cheek. "Butch Benson on the prowl. You have _no_ idea what effect you had on me, that first time I saw you through the glass. I really thought you were going to pound on that perp. You didn't, of course. But there was … I don't know … a sense of danger about you. You were wound so tight."

"We'd been up for three days, with barely any sleep," Olivia remembered with a sigh. "I was pissed. We really thought he might get away."

"With you on his tail? Never!" Alex teased.

"You still think I'm dangerous?"

"Oh yes. Dangerous. Sexy. Powerful."

Olivia laughed. "How much of that have you had?" she gestured to Alex's whisky glass.

"You wanna make love?" Alex ignored the question.

Olivia looked closely at Alex. She took a deep breath, and put her glass down. She wrapped both arms around Alex and held her close. "No," she replied, after a while. "Not tonight. I know what you're doing, Alexandra, and I love you for it. But you're not quite there yet, are you baby?"

Alex's eyes glistened with unwanted emotion. She opened her mouth to speak, but Olivia put a finger on her lips.

"Don't say it, Lex. I know you want to do this for me. But the only time I want to make love to you is when you want to make love to me. _Really_ want to. Tonight you're exhausted. Let's go to bed, and you can let me hold you. That's all I want. A vacation with you in my arms, Lily asleep in the next room."

"I love you," Alex's voice cracked.

"Love you too, sweetheart. C'mon."


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm so sorry for the delay. Be warned, it gets rather steamy at the end of this chapter, so please don't read if it's not your thing. Thanks as ever for the reviews, you are so very kind.**

Olivia awoke and stretched. The sun streamed in the hotel window, and she remembered with a smile that she was on vacation with her fiancée and daughter. She was slightly peeved that her beloved girlfriend was not next to her in the bed, and then she heard it. The sound of the shower, accompanied by a low, melodic singing coming from the bathroom. She listened more carefully, and smiled to herself.

Alex had a lovely, alto voice, but she was always shy of singing in public, even in front of Olivia. So Olivia knew that Alex must have Lily with her. Alex seemed to lose her inhibitions only when singing to Lily. Lily loved to shower with one or more of her mothers, and when they had time in the mornings, they would take her in with them.

Olivia was about to follow them into the bathroom when she heard the shower shut off. A couple of minutes later, Alex emerged, wrapped in a towel, carrying a beaming, tightly swaddled Lily.

"You're awake!" Alex smiled. "How are you, beautiful?" she asked lovingly.

"Hey sweetheart," Olivia replied. "I'm great. Did you two have a good shower?" she winked at Lily.

Lily gave her a huge grin. "Mama!" she cried, reaching out her arms.

Alex laughed. Nearing the bed, she raised an eyebrow quizzically at Olivia. Olivia smiled and nodded, so Alex took Lily carefully and threw her a couple of feet onto the bed. Lily squealed with laughter as she landed just by Olivia's leg. She looked up at Olivia and grinned again. "Mama!" she crawled into her arms. "Had shower with Mommy."

"Did you, my angel?" Olivia swept her up and gave her a tight hug and a huge, silly kiss.

"Mommy says breakfast now," Lily declared.

"When Mama's ready," Alex reminded her. "Here," she grabbed a clean diaper from a drawer and flung it playfully at Olivia. "Before we have any accidents."

Olivia smiled. It wouldn't be the first time that Lily had peed on their bed, but it wouldn't be so easy to do laundry in a hotel. She seized Lily and tickled her, blowing noisily on her belly. The sound of Lily's laughter filled her with joy. She expertly affixed the diaper. "We should get you dressed, baby girl," Olivia told her.

"I'm ahead of you," Alex approached, a small bundle of clothes in her hand.

Olivia wrestled Lily into her undershirt and jeans, making the whole process a big joke, much to Lily's delight. She tried not to stare as she saw Alex finish drying herself off and slowly, tantalizingly, start to dress. Alex had such a beautiful body, Olivia couldn't imagine ever tiring of it. Her legs went on for ever, and she gawped as she saw her slip into a small pair of blue panties. Alex turned around, and laughed when she saw the look of adoration in Olivia's eyes. "See something you like, detective?" she teased.

"Definitely," Olivia's voice was lower than she had expected. She laughed at herself. "We need a shirt over here," she gestured to Lily. "Looks like we're not the only ones," she feasted her eyes on Alex's pert breasts.

Alex picked up a t-shirt for Lily and sauntered over to the bed, deliberately provocative. She dangled it from her fingers and dropped it on the bed.

Olivia laughed. The t-shirt was one that John Munch had bought for Lily. It was a bright red, and bore the words "Mommys' Little Angel", but also had a cartoon of a smiling devil carrying a pitchfork on the front. Munch had been thrilled to find the shirt because, he explained, of the positioning of the apostrophe.

"It's plural!" Olivia had noticed, touched by his thoughtfulness. "For two mommies," she had spontaneously kissed him on the cheek.

After Olivia swiftly showered, the small family made their way to the breakfast room. All the other guests they saw seemed happy and friendly, and it seemed that everyone was smiling at Lily. Lily was on her best behavior, smiling at everyone she saw.

They were half-way through their breakfast, when they spotted Amy from the night before. She was going around the tables, checking that everyone was happy. She spent a long time at one table in particular, Alex noticed. It held two women who must have been in their seventies at least, and Amy was there for at least ten minutes, laughing and smiling.

Amy approached their table. "Our latecomers," she smiled. "Is everything alright with you ladies?"

Alex assured her that everything was great.

"Are you _always_ working?" Olivia asked laughingly. "What time did you finish last night?"

"Oh I'm taking all the shifts I can right now," Amy smiled back. "I'm saving as much money as possible. I move to New York in seven weeks. So I'm socking away as much as I can!"

"Why New York? It's so beautiful here," Alex wanted to know.

Amy smiled bashfully. "I'm moving in with my girlfriend. She just started work with the Fire Department there."

"Really?" Alex said. "My niece's girlfriend's a firefighter. Maybe she knows her. Where is she based?"

"Queens," Amy replied.

"Jay's in Manhatten," Alex said. "But they may come across each other."

Amy smiled. She knelt next to Lily. "And good morning to you Lily," she said kindly. "We met last night, but you were a little sleepy then. Are you having a nice time with your mommies?"

Lily grinned. "Big nana!" she announced, holding up a half-eaten banana.

"It sure is, sweetheart!" Amy laughed. "So do you ladies have any plans for today?"

"We're going to walk down to the lake," Olivia said. "Is there somewhere fairly safe by the water we could take Lily to?"

Amy smiled. "There's a lovely secluded bit of waterfront, about 20 minutes' walk from here. I'll get you a map. It's beautiful there, and there's lots of wildlife. There's a family of chipmunks that you may see, and there are _always_ lots of ducks."

"That sounds wonderful," Alex said.

Amy went off to get the map, and Olivia gazed at Alex. She seemed so relaxed, so happy. It had been a long time since Olivia had seen her so carefree, and she looked so young and untroubled. She wore no make-up, and her hair was up in a messy bun. Olivia laid her hand on Alex's. "You look so beautiful today," she said softly.

Alex was about to reply when Amy returned. She showed Olivia the route for the walk and chatted for a couple more minutes before she left.

Alex nodded over to the elderly couple. "I wonder how long they've been together?" she said to Olivia. "They still look so much in love."

Olivia smiled. "Maybe we'll get to ask them. Promise me one thing, baby," she looked pleadingly at Alex.

"Anything," Alex was serious.

"That we'll come back here when we're their age. And we'll look around, and we'll see other people asking the same question about us."

"It's a deal," Alex said.

As they left the breakfast room and headed back toward their room to get ready for their outing, they saw Amy striding toward them, a small paper sack in her hand.

She smiled, and knelt on the floor so she was at the same level as Lily. "Here, Lily," she told her. "The chef gave me some old bread rolls that you can take to feed the ducks."

Lily's face split into a huge grin. "Can I Mama?"

"Of course you can, Lily," Olivia said. "Now what do you say to Amy?"

"Fank you Amy," Lily was still smiling.

"That was so kind of you," Alex said to Amy.

"It's always more fun when you have something to feed to the ducks," Amy smiled. "Robyn and I always go down there, when she comes to stay."

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After a busy day of walking, feeding the ducks, playing on the hotel's extensive children's playground, and driving in to the small town for an early dinner, they were all pleasantly tired. Lily fell asleep in the car as they drove back from town. Alex lifted her carefully out of her seat, and smiled as the child mumbled incoherently and buried herself in her front.

Alex settled Lily in her crib, and half-closed her door. Olivia was out on the balcony again. Alex grabbed a blanket from the closet and went out to join her. She kissed Olivia tenderly. "Come sit with me on the bench," she asked. They sat together, snuggled under the blanket, barely speaking, just happy to be in each other's arms. Here, nothing mattered, apart from them and Lily. "We should do this more often," Olivia said eventually.

Alex nodded. "We should. This is perfect, Liv."

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The two women slept soundly in each other's arms all night in the large, soft bed.

Alex woke first. The early-morning sunlight was playing on Olivia's face, and Alex couldn't stop herself staring. Olivia was so beautiful. She was always beautiful, but in her sleep – today at least – she looked so relaxed, so happy. There was no sign of the haunted look that she too often wore. Today, she was calm and happy. Alex caught a glimpse of a full breast, and felt a sudden quickening. Olivia was not only beautiful, she was also unbelievably sexy. Alex touched her face very gently, not enough to wake her up. She looked at her watch. Just after 6am. With luck, they might have over an hour before Lily awoke. Her mouth went dry. She knew she wanted Olivia, wanted to touch her all over. Wanted to kiss her, to tease her. Olivia often just fell apart under Alex's touch, melting at her attentions.

Very carefully, Alex flicked open the top three buttons on Olivia's nightshirt. Olivia mumbled, but didn't wake. Alex pulled the shirt to one side. Realizing it wasn't enough, she carefully undid the last button. At last, Olivia's breasts were on full display. Alex's breathing hitched imperceptibly. She ghosted her fingers over a full breast, smiling to herself as carefully circled the areole. Even in her sleep, Olivia's body responded to her, she realized, as she felt the plump nipple stiffening.

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Olivia awoke to the exquisite sensation of Alex's tongue teasing her nipple. She felt a jolt to her core, which only increased when Alex took her other breast in her hand and kneaded it gently. Olivia looked down, and a grin spread across her face. "Is there something I can help you with, counselor?" she teased.

Alex released her breast with an audible pop. She grinned back at her lover, loving the tousled, sleepy yet still lustful expression on her face. "Good morning, detective," she kissed her nipple again, nipping very briefly with her teeth just so that she could hear Olivia gasp. "No, I think I've got this handled. I believe I have everything I need," she giggled.

Olivia felt that she could burst with joy. This was her Alex, the carefree, serene lover that she had been before all the pregnancy problems. "I think you have _more_ than you need," Olivia reached one hand under the long t-shirt that Alex had worn to bed. I believe _this_," she sat up and pulled at the hem of the garment, "may be surplus to requirements."

She laughed as Alex obediently raised her hands in the air. Olivia tugged the t-shirt over her head and flung it in the corner of the room. Olivia reached out and cupped a pert breast, thumbing the already rock-hard nipple.

Alex put one hand behind Olivia's head and kissed her hungrily. "I've missed this," Alex's breathing was erratic. She kissed her again. "So much."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Olivia wanted to be sure that Alex wasn't just trying to make her happy.

"I don't think I've ever been so sure," Alex kissed her again, whimpering as she felt Olivia's tongue against her own. She pushed Olivia back so that she was lying on the bed. Her kisses moved down Olivia's body, her neck, her upper chest, and on to her breasts. She spent long minutes lavishing attention on both breasts, laughing with delight at Olivia's responsiveness. She started to move further down, her tongue swirling on Olivia's taut stomach. Then they both heard it.

"Mama! Mommy!" a demanding cry came from the other room.

Alex barked with laughter as she rested her head on Olivia's stomach. Olivia could feel her quivering with mirth. "Do you think if we ignore her she'll go back to sleep?" Alex asked Olivia.

"Hmm, I'm not sure," Olivia said drily. "Is hell set to freeze over today?"

Alex looked into her eyes. "God I love you," she said. She drew Olivia into a deep, loving kiss.

"Mama!" Lily called, more loudly.

Alex slipped reluctantly off the bed. She retrieved her t-shirt and shrugged it on, smiling as Olivia refastened her nightshirt. "Hold that thought, huh?" Alex said, in a sultry tone. "Coming, munchkin," she called to Lily.

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After breakfast, Lily demanded to spend some time in the playground again. Alex and Olivia had privately agreed to try and tire her out, in the hope that she would have a long nap before lunch so that they could have some private time. So they spent nearly two hours on the playground. Olivia then suggested that they should try out the swimming pool in the hotel, and they were thrilled to find it empty when they got there.

They had changed in their room, so they just had to discard their bathrobes and they were ready. Olivia noticed that Alex could barely keep her eyes off her, and more than once, when Lily wasn't looking, Alex reached over and caressed a soft, wet breast.

Olivia was still concerned about the scar from her stabbing, so she insisted on wearing a one-piece bathing costume, but Alex had no such qualms. So Olivia was equally taken by the sight of Alex in a red bikini that left very little to the imagination. For the first time in weeks, Olivia found herself praying that Alex was as keen as she was to make love. She couldn't wait to feel Alex's special touch on her body. She had been very happy for Alex to set the pace of their physical relationship recently; knowing that Alex didn't want to make love had dulled her own desire. She only wanted Alex if Alex wanted her. But now she hoped desperately that Alex _did_ want her. She wanted Alex to take her, hard and fast, to drive her crazy. She wanted her hands on her, in her, and she wanted the touch of her tongue, all over her body.

Olivia wrapped Lily in a warm towel, holding her close. "That was fun, Mama," Lily said, and then yawned widely. She snuggled into Olivia's front.

They returned to their room, still clad in their robes. Lily was almost asleep by the time they got back, and they peeled her bathing costume off her and dressed her in a fresh diaper and a long t-shirt. Alex's arm slid round Olivia's waist as she lowered the child into her crib. Once she was settled, Alex pulled Olivia back into their room, closing the door between the two rooms. "It's okay, we have the baby monitor," Alex said.

Alex took a step back from Olivia and gazed at her. She reached out and loosened the cord on her robe, pulling it off her shoulders and letting it pool on the floor. She dropped her own robe, and Olivia was thrilled to see Alex's stiff nipples pressing against the still damp material of her bikini.

"Take it off," Alex's voice was husky. She saw Olivia hesitate slightly. "Please?"

Olivia nodded. Slowly, she peeled her bathing costume down her body, eventually kicking it away from her.

Alex's breathing hitched. "Oh God," she whispered. "How can I have left this this long?" she cupped a slightly clammy breast, and felt a flood of moisture gather at her own core. "Oh God, Liv. You ... you're ...," she pushed her gently onto the bed, and knelt with one knee either side of Olivia's hips.

Olivia saw Alex's eyes darken with lust, and felt that she could finally relax. Alex wanted this as much as she did. She smiled, even as she felt her own nipples harden just under Alex's gaze. "Touch me again," she begged, pulling Alex's hand back to her breast.

Alex smiled as she felt the oh-so-familiar flesh in her hand. She leant down and kissed the nipple, grinning at Olivia's squeak of pleasure. She kissed it again, and felt Olivia's hand tangle in her damp hair, pulling her to her, trying to increase the pressure. She toyed more roughly with the tight bud, letting her teeth drag over the sensitized flesh.

Olivia didn't think she had ever felt so turned on. She wanted to feel Alex too, so she half sat, reaching her hands behind her to release the catch on Alex's bikini top. As the flimsy garment fell away, Olivia reached out and grasped a breast, overwhelmed at its delicious weight.

Alex felt Olivia's thumb flick across her nipple, and she whimpered. She had been thinking about making love to Olivia all morning, and now she was afraid that it would be over in moments; she was so close, it would take so little to tip her over the edge. And then she saw the look in Olivia's eyes, and knew that her lover was as close as she was.

Olivia put her hands under Alex's thighs, and pulled her so that they were effectively sitting in each other's laps, facing each other, their legs entangled. "Alexandra," Olivia breathed. "Oh Alexandra."

"Hard?" Alex asked the question, already knowing the answer.

Olivia grunted her assent. "Together," she bit out, barely coherent. She cried out as Alex entered her, her long, talented fingers so much missed in the last few weeks. Olivia slid two fingers into Alex, and within minutes, they were both riding each other desperately, kissing and nipping hungrily at mouths, necks, breasts. Alex set the rhythm which started slowly but soon, so soon, became harder and faster. They were both already so close, and they were each driven on by the sounds of ecstasy coming from the other woman. "Oh God, Lex," Olivia whimpered. "That's ... that's ... _so_ ... more ... harder ... I'm ... oh Lex, I'm..."

Alex increased her thrusts and fastened her mouth around a taut breast, gasping as she felt it pebble further against her tongue. "Come for me," she whispered to Olivia, nipping and suckling desperately. "Now, baby ... just ..."

They came together, both crying out loudly as they did, drawing out each other's climax until they slumped, spent, in each other's arms.

Alex cradled Olivia to her, rubbing her back lovingly as her breathing slowly returned to normal.

"I'm so sorry I made you wait so long," Alex whispered eventually to Olivia, kissing her softly.

Olivia smiled. "I would have waited longer. I would have waited for ever."

"I know you would," Alex said, a hint of wonder in her voice.

"And I knew you would be worth waiting for. I love you so much, Alexandra Cabot."

"I love you too, Liv."


	4. Chapter 4

"So, peanut, you wanna go to the playground before lunch?" Olivia asked Lily, who was busy playing with the laces on Olivia's sneakers.

Lily nodded excitedly. "You wear!" she thrust the sneaker at Olivia.

Olivia laughed. "You do know that would be a more appealing idea if you hadn't drooled so spectacularly all over these laces, don't you Lily?"

Lily grinned triumphantly, as Olivia gingerly untied the laces.

"I swear she does that deliberately," Alex said as she came out of the bathroom, toweling her hair dry.

"Is that right?" Olivia advanced menacingly on their daughter, an evil grin on her face. "Well in that case, Lily Alexandra Benson, there's only one thing we can do with you. You're gonna have to be punished."

Lily squealed with delight, as Olivia scooped her up dramatically and turned her upside down, holding tight to her ankles. "I wonder," Olivia mused, dangling the laughing child. "Just where should we put you?"

"The tub's still full," Alex said.

"Great idea," Olivia headed to the bathroom, holding Lily very securely. She lowered her threateningly toward the water, loving the laughter from Lily as she came dangerously close to being dunked. "What do you think Lily? Shall I let go?"

"In! In!" Lily thought this was the funniest thing ever.

Olivia released one ankle. "Shall we drop her in Mommy?" she addressed Alex.

Alex reached around her and pulled the stopper out from the bottom of the tub, smiling as she did so. Olivia continued to tease Lily, lowering her inch by inch, as the water drained away swiftly. "Oh dear," Olivia feigned disappointment. "Next time, Lily-bean," she pulled Lily upright and hugged her close.

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After taking a great many photographs, Alex settled herself on the bench by the playground, and watched Olivia playing with Lily. Olivia was so caring, so tender, and so protective of their precious child that tears sprang unbidden to Alex's eyes. She was focusing so intently that she didn't notice the approach of the two elderly women that they had spotted at breakfast the first morning.

"May we sit here?" one of them asked Alex politely.

Alex jumped a little, and then laughed a little at herself. "Of course," she smiled, moving along to ensure they had enough room.

The women sat down, their hands casually entwined. One turned to Alex. "You have a beautiful family," she said softly. "Your daughter is such a cutie."

Alex smiled. "Thank you," she said. "I'm very lucky. She's called Lily. I'm Alex, by the way," she said, and that's Olivia with her."

The woman smiled back. "I'm May," she said. "And this is Wheels."

"Wheels?" Alex laughed as the other woman winked at her.

"My name's Helen, really," she said. "It's a nickname. I used to have a motorbike. A Harley," she couldn't keep the pride out of her voice. "May called me Hell-on-Wheels. The Wheels part kinda stuck."

Alex barked with laughter. "That's a great story."

"She made me sell it," Wheels said, pretending to pout.

"You know that's not true," May said, mildly, her hand idly caressing Wheels' fingers. "Your doctor suggested that you sell it."

"I don't know why," Wheels said, mock-grumpily. "Eighty's just a number after all."

"You sold your motorbike when you hit eighty?" Alex was astounded.

"She's just showing off," May said. "She hadn't ridden that thing for nearly three years."

Wheels grinned. "It's true. I was just trying to impress you," she laughed.

"Well it's worked. I am _very_ impressed," Alex smiled.

"Are you enjoying your vacation?" May asked.

"It's wonderful," Alex told her. "It's the first time we've been away, since Lily was born. I can't believe we didn't do it before. It's so beautiful here, and the hotel is perfect. Everyone's so kind. Lily's having the time of her life."

May smiled at her. "We come here all the time."

"We've been coming for 53 years," Wheels interjected. "It's our favorite place to be."

"Fifty-three years? Wow! Hey, Liv," Alex smiled at her lover who was walking toward them, with Lily toddling unsteadily beside her, her hand in Olivia's. "Come meet May and … Wheels!"

Olivia came and introduced herself, laughing as the nickname was explained. Lily was hit with a sudden bout of shyness, and stood a little nervously behind Olivia's leg.

Wheels winked at Lily. She pulled a face, making Lily laugh. She did it again, delighted at the gurgle of pleasure from the child. "Hey, trouble," she said. "Wanna show me how the swings work?"

Lily looked at her parents. Alex nodded encouragingly.

Lily put her hand out to Wheels as she stood and went with her over to the swings, the rest of the group following alongside. Wheels lifted Lily into the baby swing, making sure that she was securely settled, before sitting on the bigger swing next to her.

"Mama!" Lily demanded.

"That's my cue," Olivia laughed. She stood behind Lily, pushing the swing carefully.

Soon Lily and Wheels were both swinging and laughing. May had a resigned, amused look on her face that Olivia bet was there much of the time.

Alex looked over and saw a pagoda being erected at the far end of the luscious green lawn. Several staff members were bringing chairs out, which were being organized in rows by a rather officious woman dressed in a business suit. "Hey, look," she pointed. "Something's happening over there."

May nodded. "It's a wedding," she said. "At 4pm."

"How wonderful," Alex said softly. "What a beautiful place to get married. And it's a perfect day."

May nodded.

"I wonder if it's somebody staying at the hotel," Alex said.

May grinned. "It sure is. I ask her to marry me every year, on her birthday. I've been asking for thirty years. And this year, she surprised me by saying yes."

"You? How wonderful!" spontaneously, Alex kissed May on the cheek.

Wheels grinned as she got off the swing. "That was great!" she declared. "Can I play with you again some time, Lily?"

Lily nodded, smiling.

Wheels looked over to the wedding set-up going on. "She's enjoying that," she said drily, pointing to the officious woman with the clipboard.

"Now behave yourself," May chided. "Susan's very efficient. She's just a little..."

"Irritating. Demanding. Pushy," Wheels supplied. "Bitchy."

May grinned. "Yeah," she agreed. "But look how much fun she's having."

Wheels turned to Alex. "Will you come?" she asked.

"To your wedding?" Alex was staggered.

"Please?" May said. "We'd love it if you came. And you too, sweetheart," she smiled at Lily. "It's not going to be anything fancy. It's just us and a few friends. You likely have plans, though," she looked a little sad.

"We'd love to come," Olivia said firmly. "As long as we're not intruding."

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"That was the best wedding ever," Olivia said, as she and Alex bathed Lily.

"I got a balloon!" Lily said.

"You sure did, Lily," Alex said. "We've tied it to the chair in our room, so's you can see it in the morning.

"You going out?" Lily sounded a little nervous.

"Not _out_, baby. We're just going to get some dinner. But we'll be in the hotel," Olivia reassured her. "And Amy's coming to babysit. You like Amy, don't you?"

Lily smiled. "Amy likes ducks," she stated.

"She does," Alex smiled. "And she likes you too, she told me so."

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Sarah let herself into Jay's apartment. "Hi, sweetheart," she called, hearing Jay's cello from the small guest room. The cello playing stopped.

Jay strode out into the living room, and took Sarah in her arms. She embraced her tightly, but didn't speak.

Sarah allowed herself to be held for a few moments in silence. "You okay?" she asked softly after a while.

"I'm okay," Jay's voice was a little muffled through the fabric of Sarah's shirt.

Sarah pulled back and looked in her eyes. "Oh yeah?" she said, half-teasingly.

Jay smiled. "I _am_ okay. Really. I just missed you."

"_And_?"

"And I'm homeless," Jay said in a light tone, trying to inject a little humor. "Or I will be, in three months," she took a letter out of her back pocket.

Sarah read it. "Damn," she said, succinctly. "Time to go apartment hunting, huh?"

Jay nodded. "It's good of the landlord to give me so much notice. But he needs to sell."

"What about buying it?"

"He's got a friend lined up already, he told me when I phoned him. It's fine, I'll find somewhere. I guess I'll just miss this place."

Sarah looked around her. "Me too," she said. "I love it here. Lots of memories already."

"Some great memories," Jay agreed. The apartment was the first place they had made love, and for that reason alone she was loth to leave it. But she had always known she wouldn't be there for ever. It was only an apartment, after all. "We could make some more memories right now?" she reached for Sarah, pulling her to her. "God you're beautiful," she breathed. She kissed her deeply, grinning at Sarah's responsiveness.

"Do we have time?" Sarah was already fumbling at the button on Jay's jeans. "What time do we have to be there?"

"Mike said to get there around eight. That gives us...," she looked at her watch. "One hour twelve minutes before we have to leave."

"So why are we wasting time talking?" Sarah smiled, taking Jay's hand and pulling her toward the bedroom.

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"You are simply stunning," Olivia said as Alex emerged from the bathroom. She was wearing a low-cut red dress with spaghetti straps, one which Alex knew drove Olivia crazy. Her hair was curled loosely around her shoulders, and she wore a light make-up.

"Back atcha, Benson," Alex smiled lovingly at Olivia.

"Suddenly my appetite is for more than just food," Olivia's voice was low and lustful.

"Hold that thought," Alex laughed as she heard a tap on the door. She went to open it, smiling as Amy walked in. "Hey, Amy. Lily's going to be real disappointed, she's already asleep. She wanted to see you. You have a real fan there."

Amy smiled. "She's such a sweetheart," she said, feeling a small pang of disappointment. She was missing her girlfriend Robyn particularly badly that night, and the sight of Lily's happy face would have cheered her up immensely. "I'll have to make sure we catch up tomorrow."

"You certainly will," Olivia said. "We leave tomorrow afternoon, and Lily will never forgive us if she doesn't see you before we leave. But you'll be in New York soon, huh? You will come and visit us, won't you? If you have the time."

"I'll _make_ the time," Amy said. "I want you to meet Robyn. She's gonna love Lily. She's told me she wants a whole houseful of kids one day. Okay," she shooed Olivia and Alex toward the door. "You too go have a wonderful evening. I have your cell numbers, and I have the restaurant's direct number. If we need you, we can get you back here in under two minutes. But we'll be fine."

"Of course you will," Alex smiled at her. "Thank you. C'mon Liv," she took Olivia's hand.

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Sarah turned on the shower. "C'mon, slowcoach," she called to Jay. "By my calculations, we have six minutes before we have to leave. We're gonna be late."

Jay grinned cockily. "It was worth it."

"It's _always_ worth it," Sarah agreed, smiling. She pulled Jay off the bed and kissed her, pushing her toward the shower. "I've been thinking," she said.

"Uh oh," Jay teased, earning herself a swat on the backside.

"It's dumb, wasting money on rent." Suddenly she looked nervous, not wanting to put pressure on Jay. "What if... and don't say yes if you don't want to. It's just a thought."

Jay looked at her, a smile playing at her lips. Her heart leapt, as she realized what Sarah was about to say. "Go on," she said gently.

"We could get somewhere together. Just a small place. Buy somewhere, I mean. Or we could rent. I don't want you to feel forced into a commitment. I just... I just … I guess I want to be with you. All the time. I want us to be together all the time. There," Sarah smiled. "I said it."

Jay thought she would burst with happiness. "And I'm so happy you said it," she kissed Sarah deeply. She drew back and looked at her, the water pouring over her, a half smile on her face. "I don't think I've ever heard anything sweeter. Sarah, I would _love_ to get a place with you. Hell, we're together all the time anyway, either here or at yours. And you're right, we should buy. Stop spending money for no return. You're earning now. I'm sure we could afford something together. Oh Sarah," Jay's eyes glittered with joy. "You have no idea how happy you've made me."

Sarah whooped with delight, flinging her arms around Jay. "We'll start looking tomorrow."

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Olivia looked at Alex, and almost whimpered with happiness. Her lover sat across the table from her, her golden hair glinting in the candlelight. Alex was relaxed and serene, and her eyes had regained their sparkle, and the often-hidden glint of mischief.

Olivia had deliberately packed Alex's red dress; it clung to the blonde attorney like a second skin, showing off her womanly figure that was so often disguised in a business suit. Alex looked so beautiful, and the low-cut front delighted Olivia beyond measure.

"You're looking at my boobs," Alex said drily when she caught Olivia staring.

"Busted," Olivia replied happily.

"Busted, or _busty_?" Alex teased. She reached out and ghosted her finger's over Olivia's full breast through her silk shirt. "I'd definitely describe you as busty," her voice betrayed a sharp jolt of desire. Alex looked into Olivia's eyes. "I was watching you. At the ceremony. And I realized that, when we're finally allowed to get married, that you would be mine. All mine. I nearly cried," she whispered.

"I _am_ yours, Alexandra. Totally yours. I always will be. I don't care what the laws of New York State are. I give myself to you. Utterly. Completely. I am yours."

"And I am _yours_, Liv."

"You want dessert?" Olivia felt her own ardor rising.

Alex shook her head. "I want you to make love to me," she said in a quiet voice.

"Coffee? Tea?" Olivia teased.

"Benson…," Alex warned.

Olivia threw her head back and laughed, a joyful, throaty laugh that Alex loved so much.

Alex gestured to the waitress, and within a couple of minutes had signed the check.

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Amy looked up from her book when she heard the door open. "Hey," she smiled. "You two weren't long. Did you have a good meal?"

"Wonderful," Alex said in a dreamy voice.

"Was everything okay?" Olivia asked.

"Fine. Lily woke an hour or so ago, I think she was a little disoriented. So we had a little cuddle, and she fell right back asleep."

"She likes you," Olivia said, smiling as Alex slipped into Lily's room to check on her.

"She's such a sweetie," Amy replied. "You enjoy the rest of your evening, I'll catch up with you tomorrow."

Olivia thanked Amy, and then followed Alex into Lily's room. Alex was leaning on the rail of Lily's crib, just gazing adoringly at their daughter. Olivia stood behind her, wrapping both arms around her waist and resting her chin on her shoulder. Alex placed one hand over Olivia's. "We did good, huh, Liv?" she whispered. "Just look at her. She's perfect. She's so perfect." She turned in Olivia's embrace to face her. She smiled. "I'm so lucky."

Olivia kissed her softly. "This has been the best vacation ever."

Alex nodded. She took Olivia's hand, and led her to their room, shutting Lily's door quietly. She checked that the baby monitor was working properly, and set it on their nightstand. "Help me out of this," she turned so that Olivia could reach the zip of her dress.

With shaking hands, Olivia pulled down the zip. Alex stepped out of the dress, and stood in front of Olivia, wearing just her heels and some very tiny panties. "Your turn," Alex's voice was rough with desire. She laughed as Olivia flung off her shirt and struggled to undo the button on her pants, her shaking hands making hard work of it.

"Let me," Alex reached out and firmly undid the button and slid the zip down. Olivia put her hands on Alex's shoulders as she kicked the pants away from her. Alex grinned as her lover was revealed to her. "Okay, detective," Alex drawled. "You have the right to remain silent …," she giggled. "But I must insist that you can and will be held against me."

Olivia smiled. "As long as I can have my attorney present," her breathing hitched as Alex started to kiss her way down her body.

"I can allow that," Alex lips reached her nipple. "You," she kissed it softly, "will be pleased to learn," her tongue swirled around the stiff flesh, "that one has been appointed for you."

"And if I'm dissatisfied with my lawyer's performance?" Olivia's voice rose sharply as she felt Alex's teeth nip her teasingly.

"I don't think that's going to happen," Alex said between kisses. She slid a hand up the inside of Olivia's thigh.

"I think you may be right, Counselor," Olivia squeaked. "It all seems very promising so far."


	5. Chapter 5

After lunch the next day, the Alex and Olivia reluctantly packed for their return trip home. Alex looked over at her lover, and smiled. She knew that Olivia had suggested this trip for her sake. Olivia, as always, had known how Alex was feeling, even before Alex herself had realized. And she had concluded that a trip away would help Alex to get a better perspective on everything.

And, of course, Olivia had been right. They had all had a wonderful time. Lily had enjoyed being spoiled by everyone around, all of whom had fallen instantly in love with her. Even at this moment, she was being taken care of by the besotted Amy, who had volunteered to take her swimming while her parents packed and got everything organized. And May and Wheels had made them swear to bring her back to see them some time.

As Olivia did up the reluctant zip on their suitcase, she felt Alex's arms around her waist. Olivia smiled and leaned back unconsciously into her lover's touch.

"Thank you," Alex whispered.

"For what?"

"For this. For everything. For knowing what I needed. For caring so much."

Olivia turned and took Alex in her arms. "Of course I care, sweetheart," she said softly. "I love you Alexandra. I want you to be happy."

"You are the kindest person I know," Alex tried not to stumble over her words. "And this was just … amazing."

"We'll have to come back some time," Olivia agreed. "And you're feeling better, aren't you, Alex? You seem so much better."

"I feel great. I can think straight now. I have everything I need. I see that now. Anything else is just gravy. I do hope we have more kids, Liv. But if we don't, I'm still luckier than anyone I know. We have the three of us."

"We have family now, too," Olivia reminded her, thinking of Alex's sister Carolyn, with whom she had recently reconciled, as well as the much-loved Sarah and Jay, and Alex's brother Graham and his large brood of children.

"We do," Alex smiled. "I used to feel so alone, sometimes."

"So did I," Olivia said. "Actually, most of the time," she admitted. She kissed Alex tenderly, relishing her soft, warm lips. Some days, Olivia just wanted to pinch herself. She heard a knock at the door. "I think that may be the munchkin," she grinned. She opened the door to see their daughter Lily grinning widely at her as she held on to Amy's hand.

"Mama!" Lily called, putting her arms up for a hug.

"Hey, sweet pea. Did you have fun?"

"Amy and me did swim," Lily said.

"Thank you so much, Amy," Olivia turned to the young woman. "I hope she wasn't too much trouble."

"Trouble? You're kidding! I've never met such a happy child. We had a great time. Look at that smile," she pointed at Lily. "How can you not enjoy being with someone who smiles like that _all_ the time?"

"Not _all_ the time," Alex grinned. "She loves you, Amy. She loves spending time with you. But she can get a little antsy sometimes. Count yourself lucky."

"I don't believe it," Amy laughed, as she turned to leave. "You won't go without saying goodbye?"

"Lily would never forgive us. Which reminds me," Olivia reached into her back pocket for a piece of paper. "Our address and numbers, email etc. We meant what we said, we'd love to see you once you get to New York."

"Olivia means she wants to meet your girlfriend," Alex said with a smile. "Make sure she's good enough for you."

Amy smiled. "Oh she is. She's wonderful. Thank you. We'll come visit, I swear."

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"Put her down, Wheels," May said with a laugh, as Wheels swung Lily in the air.

"I wanna keep her," Wheels said, "she's just so cute."

"She's not cute when she wakes at 4am," Olivia said, and laughed when Wheels immediately thrust the child back at her.

"You go back to your Mama," Wheels grinned. "But you'll come back and visit, won't you? And maybe we'll finally come to New York, I keep promising May I'll take her to some Broadway shows."

Amy walked them to the car, and laughed when Lily turned on her unsteady feet and flung her arms around Amy's leg. She crouched at her level. "I'll see you real soon, Lily," she promised. She lifted her and gave her a gentle hug, before passing her over to Alex, who buckled her securely in her seat.

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Alex turned and looked at Olivia as she drove confidently along the highway toward Toronto airport. She placed her hand softly on Olivia's thigh. "Thank you," she said quietly.

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Olivia eyed Alex carefully. Her fiancée was trying very hard to appear nonchalant about this sixth visit to the fertility clinic. She looked less tense than the last time, but Olivia knew that the calm she was exhibiting was a studied one. She took her hand.

Alex turned and looked at her lovingly. "I'm okay," she said.

"I know. I just want you to know I love you."

"I know that, Liv."

"Miss Cabot?" the nurse called.

"You ready?" Olivia asked.

Alex stood, and smiled. "Let's do this."

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Olivia made sure that the door was locked. She turned, to see Alex standing in the middle of the room, looking slightly bemused.

"Lex?" she spoke gently.

Alex shook herself. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be silly. Come and sit with me on the couch," Olivia said.

"Shouldn't we … ?" Alex gestured to the bed, where her gown and the syringe awaited.

"There's no hurry. I want to hold you first. Can I?"

Alex nodded, dumbly, and let Olivia lead her to the couch. Olivia shrugged out of her own cardigan, and flung it over the back of the couch. Alex sat next to her, and let Olivia take up her hand again. Olivia entwined their fingers, and sat smiling at Alex. "Here we are again," Olivia kept her tone light.

Alex nodded. She noticed that Olivia was wearing her one of her favorite shirts; an old, cotton button-down. Alex always loved the soft, worn material. Even more, she loved that the shirt gave a tantalizing glimpse of Olivia's ample cleavage. She caught sight of the edge of a red lacy bra, and smiled. "You wore it," she fingered the top of the strap.

"I thought you might like me to," Olivia smiled back. "Was I right?"

"Aren't you always?" Alex teased.

"I like to think so. On important matters."

"I can't think of anything more important than these," Alex ran a finger gently over a taut breast.

Olivia laughed. "I'm so glad we agree," she said. "I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?"

"You know you don't have to ask," Alex's voice hitched. She felt Olivia's soft, sweet lips meet her own, and she felt all the layers of tension just fall away from her. Olivia was so loving and gentle that Alex was able to relax into the kiss and forget about everything else. Alex shut her eyes as Olivia's tongue slipped into her mouth, tangling lovingly with her own.

There were times that Olivia could be more forceful, dominant, if that was what Alex wanted. But she knew that today, Alex needed reassurance, love and gentleness.

They made out for nearly twenty minutes, sometimes pulling away to just look into each other's eyes. Olivia forced herself to keep her hands chaste, so one cupped the back of Alex's head, occasionally toying with her soft hair. The other held Alex's hand, and she stroked her fingers tenderly, trying to convey her love.

Olivia let Alex lead, and it was only when Alex got more into it and started to kiss her more hungrily that she moved her hand first to Alex's back and then, slowly to her side, caressing the side of her breast. Alex pressed herself further into Olivia, so she knew that she wanted more. Olivia grinned as she felt Alex's gasp as she cupped her breast through her shirt. Alex pushed herself into Olivia's welcoming hand, and Olivia felt her hardened nipple through her shirt.

Breathing erratically, Alex pulled back slightly. "Take it off," she husked, as she fumbled with Olivia's shirt buttons. She pressed herself against Olivia while she did so, making it hard for either of them to comply with her instructions. She wanted Olivia's hand on her again; she knew what her touch on her breast could do to her.

Olivia pulled the shirt over her head, depositing it hurriedly on the floor. Her hand returned to Alex's breast. "May I?" she toyed with a button on her shirt.

"Oh God, yes," Alex breathed.

Once they were both shirtless, they looked at each other and smiled. "This is more fun than usual," Alex whispered.

"Just relax into it, baby," Olivia smiled at her. She stroked her face tenderly. "You look so beautiful today."

"Today?" Alex quirked an eyebrow teasingly.

"Always. But especially today."

"You're looking pretty good yourself, detective," Alex replied. She fingered a taut nipple through the lacy fabric of Olivia's bra. She smiled, and leant forward to kiss Olivia, reveling in the sensation of her lover's sweet mouth. She couldn't hold back a deep moan.

Olivia's ran her hand up and down Alex's back; she could feel her trembling with anticipation. She slipped her other hand inside Alex's bra, cupping her breast possessively. "You have the greatest boobs," Olivia breathed.

Alex whimpered, as she felt Olivia roll her nipple between thumb and forefinger.

"Do you think you're ready?" Olivia didn't want to break the spell, but neither did she want to waste the opportunity. She felt Alex tense imperceptibly. "We don't have to yet," she spoke gently. "We can make out some more. Or," she reached up and ran her hand through Alex's hair, "we can come back another day. Whatever you want, Alexandra."

"I want a baby," Alex's voice was tense.

Olivia nodded, as she continued to caress her lover.

"We should do this," Alex said after a moment. "Just … just kiss me again first. Please?"

Olivia smiled. She took Alex in her arms and kiss her tenderly. She took her time, and was thrilled to feel Alex relaxing once more. She murmured lovingly to her as she kissed her, allowing her hands to roam her torso. She reached out behind Alex, and unclasped her bra, keeping a watchful eye on her expression to check that she was happy. She captured Alex's breasts in both hands, cupping them reverently. "I thought they'd be lighter," she mused, as she stared.

"Wha'?" Alex's breathing was quickening.

"Your nipples. I always imagined they'd be pale. When I thought about you. But they're not," Olivia grinned bashfully. "They're pink. Like roses. Beautiful," she placed a gentle kiss on one nipple, "beautiful pink roses."

"You thought about me a lot before we got together?"

"All the time. Every. Single. Day. And when I heard those heels in the corridor, I knew it would be a good day."

"I thought about you too, Liv. But I never imagined you could be as beautiful as you are." Alex stood up, taking Olivia's hand and pulling her to her feet. "Now or never, huh?" she looked balefully at the hospital bed.

Olivia rose and took her in her arms again. She kissed her softly, and nodded.

Alex reached out for the hospital gown, but Olivia stilled her hand.

"You don't need that, do you baby?" she asked.

Alex shook her head. "I suppose not."

"Undo me," Olivia asked, smiling at the look of bemusement on Alex's face. She took her hand and pulled it toward her back. "I want us both to have something nice to look at," she smiled.

Alex eagerly unclasped Olivia's bra, delighted to see her turgid nipples stiffen further as they met the air. She sat back on to the bed, shuffling along until she was in the right position to lie down.

Slowly, tantalizingly, Olivia unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them down her legs, laughing as she came to her sneakers which she swiftly tugged off and threw on the floor, followed by her jeans and then her socks. Alex lay in front of her, wearing only tiny, dark green panties. She reached down and slid them down her legs. "Lookin' good, counselor," Olivia breathed, as she closed her mouth around a sensitive nipple.

"Liv," Alex breathed.

"Are you ready?" Olivia asked, as she pulled back and glanced at the tray that held the syringe.

Alex nodded.

"Good girl," Olivia parted her legs lovingly. She slid the syringe into her and depressed the plunger. She smiled as she passed her the cervical cap. "You know the drill, baby," she said, as Alex sited the cap and lay down again.

"Now I just want you to relax, and leave it all to me. I don't want you to think about this place, or babies, or what this could mean. I just want you to look at me," Olivia cupped her face gently, looking deep into her blue eyes, trying not to notice the slight look of trepidation on her face. "I want you to think about us. Think about the vacation. We had such a good time, didn't we, honey? And you," she licked a nipple tantalizingly, blowing air over the damp flesh, "you," she kissed it, "were amazing. No-one, and I mean no-one, has ever made me come as hard, or as often as you did," she slid a hand between quivering thighs. "You, Alexandra Cabot, are the hottest thing God ever made."

Olivia held Alex in her muscular arms, the attorney's lips on her own nipple, as she came, hard and long. Alex's breathing was erratic, and her body trembled both with passion and with emotion. She clung desperately to Olivia, comforted by Olivia's strong embrace. "Hey," Olivia whispered. "That's my girl. That's good, baby. So good. You've done it. It's okay," she rocked her gently as Alex's gasps of passion turned to tears. "You've done it now. And that was a good one," she could feel her muscles starting to relax. "Good girl. There, that's it. Are you okay, baby?" she could feel her still trembling.

Alex nodded against her shoulder, clinging to her tightly. "I love you," her voice was muffled.

"I love you too, honey. Here," Olivia grabbed a warm blanket from the chair by the bed. "Move over a little if you can. And we'll just put a pillow here …," she slid a pillow under Alex so that her hips tilted back. She slid onto the bed next her, holding her tight. She pulled the blanket over them both. There was very little room, but Alex was so relieved to be able to hold Olivia close, their bare breasts pressing against each other as they looked into each other's eyes. "You should stay still for 40 minutes, we'll just stay here together, huh?" Olivia spoke tenderly.

Alex nodded, dumbly. She reached out and cupped a full breast. She buried her face in Olivia's neck. "So tired," she said.

"That's because you barely slept last night," Olivia said. "Sleep a little now. I'll wake you when it's time. And we'll lie down for a couple of hours when we get home. Before Rosie brings the little terror home. Okay?"

Alex nodded again. Her trembling lessened as she pressed herself into her lover.

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"I bet you hated it," Rosie said to Alex, as Olivia played with Lily.

Alex looked startled, and then nodded. "Kind of," she admitted.

"I did too," Rosie told her. She smiled, conspiriatorially. "Melinda loved it."

Alex's head snapped up. "What? How?!"

"She said she felt … naughty. Illicit. She sure seemed to enjoy it," Rosie was careful what she said, in case Lily heard anything. "And that night …," she grinned. "Let's just say we both got the benefit."

Alex smiled. "Maybe we should bear that in mind for next time, Liv," she suggested.

Olivia smiled back. "We may not need a 'next time'," she reminded her, regretting her words as a sad look crossed Alex's face.

"So Sarah's moving out?" Rosie changed the subject. "Have they found anywhere yet?"

Alex shook her head. "Not yet. They can't afford anywhere big, and they are both refusing to take any money from us, or from Carolyn. I know Carolyn's a little upset about that, but I think Sarah has made her see that Jay wants to be independent."

"You know they still have three apartments left in that new complex across the street?" Rosie pointed out.

"I thought they were all sold?" Olivia said.

"Somebody pulled out, some real estate guy who was going to rent them out, he went bust."

"But they're still building," Alex said.

"It's nearly finished. And if you buy 'off plan', it's so much cheaper. I got my first apartment that way, saved nearly 25%," Rosie explained. "I think one of the apartments available is a one-bedroom."

"That's definitely worth looking into," Olivia smiled. "Though I'm not sure they'd want to be quite so close."

"I'll go look tomorrow," Rosie promised. "I'll take Lily and Katie while you're at work, see if it's even worth mentioning to the girls."

"That'd be great," Alex said, gratefully. "So," she said. "When are you and Melinda coming for dinner? We haven't seen you properly for ages. We miss you."

"You see me three times a week!" Rosie laughed.

"Not properly, just when we drop Lily with you. You're more to us than just daycare," Olivia smiled. "Both of you. How about Saturday? Let's all go out, my treat. We'll get Sarah and Jay to babysit, and we can have some fun."

"That sounds wonderful," Rosie smiled. "Girls' night out."

"There's that wonderful French place, out of the city, remember Liv?" Alex said.

"Perfect. I'll book it," Olivia smiled. "We can get a cab."

"I'll drive," Alex said. "I'm not drinking. Just in case."

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"Can we afford it?" Sarah looked excitedly at Jay.

"I think so. If we're sensible," Jay tried to contain her own excitement. She loved Sarah with all her heart, and couldn't wait for them to move in together officially. They already spent nearly every night together, but this was so much more; this was a true commitment. And Sarah didn't even look nervous. "Are you sure about this?" Jay was suddenly unsure of herself. "I feel like … you know … having to leave my apartment. Are we doing this earlier than we would have done?"

"I'd have moved in with you the first week we got together," Sarah replied, sincerely. "Don't you get it, Jay? I love you. I hate being apart from you. When you're on nights, I _hate_ it. Really hate it. That's why I sometimes to back to Alex and Olivia's apartment. That's the only reason. I love them very much, but it's you I _need_."

"We'll start the ball rolling tomorrow, then," Jay gave the biggest smile. She picked Sarah up and swung her joyfully. "We're gonna be homeowners!"

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"Teflon?" Caryn called to her colleague from the doorway. "Are you ready?"

"Of course," Alex stood quickly, and made to take a step forward, but was assaulted by sudden dizziness. She clutched at the desk.

Caryn ran forward and took her arm. "Easy," she said, pressing her back into her chair. She looked anxiously at Alex's face as she swallowed carefully.

After a few moments of breathing carefully, Alex's face regained some color.

"Are you sick?" Caryn asked, unusually gently. "Let me call Olivia for you."

Alex shook her head. "I'm not sick," she said. She smiled. "I'm fine. Truly."

Caryn snorted. "You nearly headbutted the carpet, Teflon. You are not fine."

"I told you, I'm not sick," Alex realized that her breasts felt tender. Her heart soared. "In fact, I think I feel better than I ever have."

Caryn looked askance.

"Can you keep a secret?" Alex asked, unable to contain her excitement.

"No," Caryn replied, drily. "You should know that by now. But, for you, Teflon, I'll try."

"We went to the clinic again," Alex reached for her phone. "I think … maybe … this time," she grinned. She pressed #1 on the speed dial of her phone. "Liv? Are you busy? I need to see you. I'm fine. I swear I'm fine. Can you meet me at the apartment? It's nearly lunch time. I'll be there in 15 minutes. No, make that 20. I need to drop by the drugstore, pick up a pregnancy test."

Alex grinned and pulled the phone away from her ear so that Caryn could hear Olivia's excited screech.


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia was out of breath as she reached the apartment, having sprinted from the subway. She dropped her key as she tried to open the door, and was startled as she bent down to retrieve it when the door swung open.

She looked up, seeing Alex's face. Olivia smiled, and took a step forward. "Did you do it?" she asked.

Alex shook her head.

Olivia took her in her arms and kissed her tenderly, trying to convey all the emotions she was feeling. "Whatever it says," she whispers. "You have to know I love you. So very much."

Alex smiled, almost shyly. "I know that, Liv. It feels different this time. I really think...," she looked uncertain.

Alex reached into her purse and pulled out the paper sack from the pharmacy. She swallowed, nervously.

Olivia put a supportive hand on the small of her back. "We'll deal with it. Whatever it says."

Alex nodded. "I'll just …," she gestured in the direction of the bathroom.

"Okay sweetie."

After nearly ten minutes, Olivia was beside herself with worry. She didn't want to rush Alex, or make her feel in any way uncomfortable, but nor did she want to leave her alone and miserable. She tapped on the door very softly. "Alexandra?" She tried to open the door, but something was blocking it. "Lex? Are you okay?"

"M'okay," Alex's voice cracked. "I'm coming."

Olivia could her Alex scrambling to her feet, and realized that Alex had been sitting against the door. She waited patiently until Alex opened the door slowly. Her face was streaked with tears.

"Oh baby. It's okay. We can try again. Or not," Olivia was distraught to see Alex's tears.

Alex held the pregnancy test out. "You don't understand," she gestured to the test. "It's positive. We're pregnant." Alex started to weep again, for reasons she didn't quite understand herself.

Olivia pulled her into her arms and held her. "You did it," she whispered. "My clever girl. You did it. Shh, baby. I'm here. Let it out. Cry all you want, baby. This is big. This is huge."

Alex's weeping intensified at Olivia's words, and she allowed Olivia to lead her to the couch. Olivia kept a tight hold on her, whispering lovingly to her. Finally, Alex calmed. She sniffled, and smiled as Olivia passed her her cotton handkerchief. "It smells like you," she whispered.

"It's been in my pocket all day," Olivia said. She tenderly pushed a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "You feeling a little better now?"

Alex nodded. "I feel great. I'm sorry about that. It's … when it happens … it's ..."

"One hell of a shock!" Olivia grinned.

Alex smiled back.

"Pregnancy hormones," Olivia teased.

Alex pretended to look appalled. "Nine more months of this!" she teased back. "You'd better stock up on hankies."

Olivia took her face in both hands, and kissed her slowly, lovingly, savoring every second. "My girl's having a baby," her voice held a note of awe. "My beautiful, strong, sexy fiancée is having a baby."

"_Our_ baby," Alex said.

"Our baby," Olivia agreed.

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Caryn looked up when Alex finally made it back into the office an hour late. Alex had washed her face and reapplied her make-up, but she couldn't hide the fact that she was shaken, and her face was still blotchy despite her best efforts.

"Teflon?" Caryn was gentler than usual. "You okay?"

Alex nodded.

"What can I do to help?" Caryn assumed that the news was bad.

"You can stand godmother," Alex said, and a smile split her face.

For the first time in a very long time, Caryn was speechless. "You?" she finally got out. "You? And Hot Cop? You're …?"

"Pregnant," Alex said, rolling the word around her mouth, realizing how rarely she had ever used it. And now it applied to her. "I'm pregnant. We're having a baby. Oh my God," she hid her face in her hands, "I'm having a baby!" she looked up at Caryn and laughed.

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Olivia could barely keep the smile off her face all afternoon. By 6pm, Elliot had had enough of her almost relentless cheerfulness. "Go home, Liv," he said. "I'll finish up here. You and Alex have some celebrating to do."

"Shh!" Olivia looked around, and sighed with relief that nobody was around to overhear. She had told Elliot, as she couldn't keep something of that magnitude from him. But he had promised to keep it a secret until they were ready to tell everyone. She grinned. "Sorry," she knew Elliot would never reveal their secret. "Do you mind?"

Elliot threw her jacket at her. "Go."

Olivia blew him a kiss as she sprinted out of the precinct.

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"Pink roses!" Alex exclaimed, laughing at the enormous bunch that Olivia was carrying. She had never seen so many roses. "Look, Lily," she kept her hand on the child's back as she played in the bath. "Look what your mama has brought home!"

Olivia grinned. "There are more in the kitchen. I'll just put these with the others, then I'll take over." She was back in a moment, and knelt next to Alex in the bathroom. Alex was laughing and blowing soap bubbles through her hands to amuse Lily. Lily was giggling with pleasure. Olivia kissed Alex deeply. "I'll finish up in here. You go and relax."

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"She's asleep," Olivia found her girlfriend in the kitchen, arranging her flowers into an assortment of vases.

"Just how many of these did you buy?" Alex was laughing.

"Six dozen. Every last one in the shop," Olivia took her in her arms.

"Why so many?"

"It just so happens that I'm partial to that particular shade of pink," Olivia's voice was husky. She slid a hand inside Alex's shirt, cupping her breast. She felt Alex gasp with pleasure and pushed her hand into her bra, laughing as she came across a rock hard nipple. She rolled it between her thumb and forefinger. "Oh yes," Olivia breathed. "There's one shade of pink I like _very_ much."

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"I don't think we should tell Lily just yet," Alex turned in Olivia's arms much later that night. "We should wait."

"Whatever you want, baby," Olivia said.

"I want to tell the girls, though. It doesn't feel right, Elliot and Caryn knowing, and not saying anything to Sarah and Jay. And Carolyn, of course. And Graham and Carla too, I suppose," Alex said. "And I suppose Joe and Vanessa, so they don't have to hide anything."

"Shall we get them over for dinner? Tomorrow night? Then they can all be here while we phone Graham and Carla," Olivia suggested.

"Perfect," Alex agreed. "And we can find out if they've made any progress on the apartment."

"Jay told me it's all going through last time we talked. She sounds so excited. She told me Sarah has so many plans for the place."

"I wonder if Sarah's told her about Carolyn's offer yet?" Alex mused.

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Jay was worried. Her girlfriend Sarah had been quiet all evening. She tried not to show it, but it was clear that something was troubling her. She sat on the arm of Sarah's armchair, and looked her straight in the eye. "You have to tell me," she was gentle, but firm. "We promised we wouldn't keep secrets. And, right now, you're worrying the hell out of me. Whatever it is, can't be as bad as the things I'm imagining."

Sarah looked appalled. "Oh Jay, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. It's nothing. Nothing to worry about. I swear. Truly. It's dumb, I shouldn't even think about it, I should just tell you."

"Then tell me," Jay spoke kindly.

"Mom has offered to pay to fit out the new apartment. And I know you want to be independent, not to owe her anything. But she says this is different from paying for any of the apartment. She says it's just a moving-in gift. I tried to tell her no, but she made me promise to run it by you. She thinks you'd be okay with it. Or some of it. We could maybe just let her buy a chair. She doesn't have to buy it all. She said you can decide what you want. Or don't want. And she's promised me she won't mind what you decide. And I don't mind. Truly, I don't. I just don't want you to be unhappy."

"Unhappy? How could I be unhappy? I'm buying an apartment with my girlfriend. And her mother. My mother-in-law of sorts. Outlaw, I suppose," Jay grinned. "She wants to help us out with furniture. There's nothing to complain about there," she took Sarah's hand.

"Truly?"

"Truly!" Jay said, a smile on her face.

"But what about all you said about independence, about it just being about us?"

"I meant every word. But this is different. I wanted to pay my half of the apartment."

"You're paying more than half," Sarah reminded her.

"Only a little, and that's just because I've saved a little. But it's ours, don't you see? We owe _nothing_, not to anybody."

"Apart from the bank," Sarah teased.

"Apart from the bank," Jay agreed. "That's true. But I didn't want … I didn't want our first home to be part of the Lomas property portfolio."

"Cabot," Sarah spoke sharply, reminding her lover that both she and her mother had changed their names to Cabot after the evil things her father had done.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Of course. Cabot. I wanted the apartment to be just about us. And it will be. But if your mom is kind enough to buy us some nice stuff to go in it, well that's Outlaw's privilege, isn't it?" Jay's eyes were twinkling. "I know I'm sounding contrary."

"No you're not. I see what you mean now. And it's one of the reasons I love you. One of the many reasons," Sarah's face split into a smile of relief. "Not many girlfriends would have said no to a free apartment."

"Do you mind?"

"I love it. Working for what's ours.

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"She looks so happy," Vanessa whispered to Olivia the following Saturday, when Olivia and Alex took Lily to visit her and Joe at the café. Olivia turned to observe Alex, who was chatting animatedly to Joe, who was letting Lily climb all over him in his wheelchair. Alex looked relaxed and happy, her smile open and unworried. Olivia's heart filled, and it was only at that moment that she really realized just how much Alex had wanted to carry their child. She had wondered if it was something Alex had wanted to do just for her, as she knew how much Olivia valued the concept of family. But no, Olivia realized, she wanted it as much as Olivia did. And Alex was a spectacular mother. Lily _adored_ the blonde attorney, and was just as likely to turn to Alex as to Olivia when she was hurt, or tired, or hungry.

"She does," Olivia replied softly. "It's true what they say. Some pregnant women _do_ have a glow. She has never been more beautiful."

"And she's keeping well?"

"So far," Olivia knocked on the wooden table with a smile. "It's only been a few weeks, and the last couple of days the tiredness has really hit her. But she's happy, and healthy. And I'm going to take such good care of her."

Vanessa smiled. "She couldn't be in better hands."

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"No!" Jay squealed in horror. "I can't go in _there_. Can you imagine?!"

"I don't have to imagine," Sarah winked saucily. "I was in there last week!"

Jay had never been so astounded in her life.

"It's okay," Sarah laughed, putting her out of her misery. "I went in with the guys from work, to buy some stuff for Josh's bachelor party. It was all pretty innocent, handcuffs, that sort of thing."

"So you know what's in there. You don't need to go back," Jay was blushing, trying to steer her girlfriend away from the shop that was causing her acute embarrassment.

Sarah laughed again. She grabbed Jay's coat and pulled her in for a kiss. "You're a conundrum, Ms Kazinski," she said, and kissed her again, slowly, softly, deepening the kiss as Jay responded.

"How so?" Jay's voice was a little deeper.

"This place. I mean, someone who is as supremely talented as you are in the bedroom shouldn't be fazed by a little ... 'toy emporium'," Sarah teased. "It's not like we don't have any toys." She smiled, seductively, seeing Jay's eyes darken involuntarily.

"Online," Jay said, firmly. "That's the best way to shop for toys. They arrive in discreet brown packages. Why are you so keen to go in?"

"They have a wonderful ladies' section," Sarah whispered into her ear, nibbling at tender flesh as she did so, knowing that Jay was super-sensitive to having her ears kissed. "I saw it last week. And I was thinking," she slid a hand up Jay's front and started to toy with her nipple rings through her shirt.

"What were you thinking?" Jay's voice was husky.

"That harness. It's getting kinda tatty now," she cupped her breast, smiling as she felt her gasp. "And it chafes at your skin. They have a whole selection in there. Some of the leather is _so_ soft."

"Is that right?"

"That's not all," Sarah whispered. "And I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I _love_ it when you take charge. I really do. It drives me crazy."

"You know I'm always happy for you to wear the harness?" Jay was suddenly concerned.

"I don't want to," Sarah replied quickly. "But," she ran a finger seductively down Jay's soft cheek. "We've never tried ...," it was her turn to blush. "I mean ... I saw some really nicely shaped ..."

"You wanna try a double-ender?" Jay said softly. "I thought you weren't into that. That's why I never suggested it. Most of the time we don't use any toys at all."

Sarah was crimson now, but started to laugh at herself. Jay smiled at her half-embarrassed laughter, and started to giggle herself. "Let's go in," she declared boldly, and then barked with laughter. "Oh God, I can't believe I said that. Shall we?"

Sarah grinned. "I just thought it might be fun. We can try some ... different stuff. If you want to."

Jay nodded; her eyes had glazed over a little.

"Jay?" Sarah prompted.

"Yeah? Shit, I'm sorry. I was just ...," Jay grinned.

"Just what?"

"Just picturing you. On top. Quick," she grabbed Sarah by the hand and pulled her toward the shop. "Lead me to the ladies' section."

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Jay shuddered and cried out as her fifth climax of the night ripped through her as her hips slammed against her bucking girlfriend. At the sound of her cry, Sarah crested too, the feel of Jay against her combining with the exquisite sensation of the toy that was inside them both, feeling like an extension of each other. "Oh God," Jay spoke eventually, her breathing coming in short gasps. "Oh Sarah." She could feel her muscles still contracting as she slowly pulled back. Very gently, she pulled the pliant rubber from them both and dropped it on the floor.

At the sound if it hitting the hard wood, Sarah laughed softly. They had spent the last seven hours exploring all the possibilities of their new purchases, and they were both truly sated. "Was that okay?" Jay asked, eventually.

"It was amazing," Sarah kissed her. They had alternated positions; to start with, Sarah had been unsure of taking the dominant role, but with gentle encouragement from Jay, she had soon gotten into it, encouraged by the force of her girlfriend's orgasms. She knew that she still mostly preferred for Jay to take charge, but she had loved the opportunity to reverse their roles.

"Whenever you want that, just say, you swear?" Jay asked, gently.

Sarah nodded. "You too," she snuggled further into Jay's arms.

"Sleep now, sweetheart," Jay said softly. "I think we're both gonna be a little tender in the morning."

"It was so worth it," Sarah muttered as she drifted off to sleep.

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"Are you sure?" Olivia was trying not to fuss Alex. "You look exhausted."

"Of course I'm sure," Alex tried not to snap. "Rosie's picked up Lily, and I _have_ to be in court this morning. You know that. And I'm fine now."

"You weren't fine at 4am," Olivia reminded her gently.

"A bit of morning sickness never killed anyone. And I'm okay now. I've had breakfast. If it makes you feel any better, I'll come straight home after court. I'll get a couple of hours sleep before Lily comes home, and then I can do my paperwork this evening," Alex tried not to sound impatient; she remember how she had wanted to wrap Olivia in cotton wool when she had been expecting Lily.

"I'm sorry, baby," Olivia said mildly. She kissed her softly. "You take the car, I'll get the subway. Call me if you need anything?"

"I will. Now go catch me some bad guys," Alex smiled.

Olivia reached the door.

"Liv?" Alex called.

Olivia turned around, to find Alex just behind her.

"Just this," Alex took her in her arms and kissed her deeply.


	7. Chapter 7

"You're looking good Cabot," Caryn drawled as she stuck her head around Alex's office door.

"Huh?" Alex said, with a distinct lack of articulacy. She was working on an important deposition, and she was finding it hard to concentrate. She had had a disturbed night, feeling nauseous and irritable, though she was grateful that she had managed not to throw up. She had hoped to hide her discomfort from Olivia but, true to form, her lover realized almost before she did that she was still feeling lousy in the morning. Olivia had tried to persuade Alex to take a sick day, but Alex had refused. Now, she was beginning to regret her stubbornness, and kept daydreaming of a soft bed – and a soft lover to keep her warm.

"You. You look ... hot," Caryn grinned.

"I look awful," Alex spoke frankly. She liked Caryn, she really did, but right now, she just wasn't in the mood to kid around.

"You look tired," Caryn admitted. "But your boobs are magnificent, Teflon. I swear you've gone up two sizes."

Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm only five-and-a-half weeks' pregnant, Caryn," her voice had an edge. In reality, her breasts had just in the last day become incredibly tender, and the last thing she wanted was for them to be used as fodder for jokes by the irrepressible Caryn. Alex sighed. "Actually, Caryn, do you mind if we don't do this today? I'm kinda ... tired," she suddenly wanted to weep. Damned pregnancy hormones.

Caryn stepped into her office properly. "I'm sorry," she said, gently. "I was just bringing you this," she placed a cup of herbal tea on Alex's desk. "I know I'm too much sometimes."

Alex smiled at her. "No," she shook her head. "I'm the one who's sorry. You were just ...,"

"Bringing some light into your dark day?" Caryn teased gently.

"Yeah. That's right," Alex gave her a genuine smile as she picked up her tea.

"That the DiMatteo case?" Caryn gestured to the file that Alex was working on.

Alex nodded.

Caryn put her hands out. "Give," she demanded.

Alex stared.

"Give," Caryn repeated. "Give me the file. I'll finish off. You," she looked at her watch, "should be on your way home soon anyway. Hot Cop's gonna have my ass if you don't leave on time."

"It's 3.30pm, I can't leave now," Alex protested.

"You can and you will. You can make it up to me another day. I'll make sure you do. Go, get some rest so that you be ready to welcome home that luscious detective later."

Alex thought wistfully of their bed, and lost any will to argue. "Thank you," she said simply, as she stood up. "I _will_ make it up to you."

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Olivia was anxious as she let herself into the apartment at 5.45pm that evening. She had been worried when she had called Alex at the office, and had been told that she had left early. She had forced herself to take Caryn's advice and not drive straight to their apartment to check on her. "She's fine, HC, she just needs some sleep. Let her have a few hours of quiet."

So Olivia was surprised to find Alex, dressed in Olivia's warm flannel pajamas, on the couch with a book in her hand, instead of asleep in the bedroom. "Hey, baby," Olivia spoke quietly, her heart filling at the genuine wide smile on her lover's face when she caught sight of her.

"Liv," Alex breathed, kissing Olivia tenderly as she sat next to her.

"Did you get some sleep?" Olivia peered anxiously into Alex's eyes, detecting some serious tension.

Alex nodded. "Got lonely, without you," she admitted. "So I came out here. I knew you'd be home soon, I knew Caryn would rat on me," she tried to smile.

"Hey, don't blame her. I'm one of the city's best interrogators," Olivia teased lightly. "Hey, sweetie," she saw tears gathering in Alex's eyes. "What is it baby? Do you feel sick?"

Alex shook her head, trying to keep herself together. "I'm just a little ... sensitive ... today. I think I may have lost my sense of humor."

"You?" Olivia smiled. "Never. But you _are_ allowed to have an off day, sweetheart. Those pregnancy hormones are a bitch," she remembered wryly.

Alex nodded. "My boobs are _so_ sore," she whispered. "I can't focus on anything apart from ... these," half-angrily, she gestured to her torso.

Olivia smiled understandingly. "Do you remember how bad mine got in the first few weeks?"

Alex nodded.

"And do you remember what you did to help me?"

Alex just stared at her, and then she remembered. She nodded, dumbly.

"Do you think it might help if I tried that with you? Would you like me to try?"

"Would you?" Alex tried to keep the pleading tone out of her voice.

"Of course, baby. Let me just get the ointment. You wanna do it here, or in the bedroom?"

"Here?"

"Okay, sweetheart, I'll be right back," in under a minute, Olivia was back at her side. "You ready, baby?" Olivia took the forgotten book from Alex's hand, and placed it on the night table.

Alex nodded.

"Okay, sweetie. Let's just put these cushions behind you. That's it, that's good Alexandra. Lean back into that, make yourself comfortable," Olivia was already unbuttoning Alex's pajama top. She pulled the sides of the top apart and, unbelievably gently, cupped one soft breast. "That's real tender, huh?" she spoke lovingly.

"Hurts," Alex was overwhelmed at the softness of Olivia's touch.

"I know, sweet baby, and I'm so sorry. Let's see if we can't make you feel a little better," very carefully, Olivia kissed the nipple. "Let me help you," she allowed her tongue to lap softly at the swollen flesh. Her tongue was soft, undemanding, and entirely non-sexual. She made it clear, in her actions, that she wanted to soothe and not excite. She dropped soft, small kisses on the skin, guiding her tongue in a gentle rhythm, soothing the sore flesh. She remembered how Alex had performed this loving office for her, and she did her best to remember the actions that she had found the most comforting. "Is this okay?" she asked Alex.

"It's wonderful," Alex breathed, starting to relax for the first time that day.

Olivia spent a further fifteen minutes using her tongue to soothe and comfort one breast. Finally, she took the cooling ointment and rubbed it between her fingers before applying it dotingly. Then, she restarted the whole process with Alex's other breast. Olivia could feel Alex's relaxing, and she was grateful for the opportunity to be able to help. "Just lie there, sweetheart," Olivia whispered to her almost asleep lover. "I'm gonna go pick up Lily from Rosie's."

Alex sat up a little. "I'll come with you," she said.

Olivia pressed her gently back. "You stay there. We'll be home soon enough."

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"How is she doing?" Rosie asked Olivia as soon as she answered the door to her.

"Hey Rosie," Olivia kissed her on the cheek. "She's real tired. The first few weeks are a bitch, huh?" she smiled ruefully at her friend.

"They're a killer," Rosie remembered.

"Has the munchkin behaved?" Olivia smiled.

"She's been wonderful," Rosie said. "Gracie's playing with her in the living room. I hope you don't mind, we gave her dinner, she got real hungry. It must have been the swimming."

"Thanks, that's great," Olivia was relieved. She had hoped Lily would be nearly ready for her bed, so that Alex wouldn't be disturbed. "Hey, peanut," Olivia's heart melted at the sight of her daughter toddling toward her, her arms outstretched. "Did you have a good day?"

"Mama!" Lily called excitedly, giggling as Olivia swept her up in her arms. "We did swim!" she declared.

"Did you, baby? Did you see any hippos in the pool?" Olivia teased.

Lily giggled again. "No hippos. Silly mama. Mommy?" she looked over Olivia's shoulder, hoping to spot Alex.

"She's at home, Lily, waiting to see you. Shall we go see Mommy?"

Lily nodded.

"Mommy's real tired today, Lily," Olivia explained gently. "Shall we try and stay as quiet as we can this evening, so she can relax?"

"Okay, Mama," Lily snuggled into Olivia's embrace. She yawned widely.

"Maybe Mommy's not the only one who's tired?" Rosie smiled.

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Olivia lowered Lily carefully into Alex's arms, smiling as her lover hugged their daughter tight. "Sleep well, Lily," Alex whispered to her.

Olivia let them snuggle for a few moments, and then gathered Lily in her arms to take her to bed.

When she came out of Lily's room, Olivia was surprised to find Alex in the kitchen, draining a pan over the kitchen sink. "I said I'd cook," she reprimanded her softly.

"It's just pasta," Alex smiled. "Eat."

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"I can't believe this is our last night here," Sarah walked up behind Jay, who had one hand on the window frame as she stared out at the night city through the large window in the living room. Sarah wrapped her hands round Jay's waist.

Jay smiled, and turned in Sarah's embrace. She cupped her cheek, and looked deep into her eyes. "I never knew I could love anyone the way I love you," she whispered. She kissed Sarah, allowing her tongue to push gently but insistently into Sarah's mouth, trying not to groan at the delicious sensations she felt as their tongues tangled erotically. She felt Sarah's breathing hitch, and smiled. "This apartment has so many memories," Jay said, when they finally broke apart. "Everywhere I look, I see you. Even when you're not here."

"That's because we've made love in every square inch of this place," Sarah teased.

Jay grinned. "Let's make one final memory," she suggested, her hands already at Sarah's waistband. She waited for Sarah to nod her approval, and slowly, tantalizingly, unbuttoned her jeans and lowered her zip.

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Olivia knew better than to argue with Alex the following morning. Alex had had a peaceful night, wrapped in Olivia's loving arms. She felt better the next morning than she had in almost a week, despite her breasts that were again acutely painful.

They left the apartment hand in hand, and made their way down to the parking garage. Olivia had promised to give Alex a ride before she headed uptown to meet Elliot. Alex turned to Olivia. "Thank you," she said in a quiet voice.

"For what?"

"For not making a fuss. For understanding me. For trusting me to tell you when I need help," Alex said.

Olivia smiled. "I know how it feels. And if you ever need to get snarky, or to take it out on anyone, I'm here, sweetheart."

"I know that. Maybe tonight, maybe you could ...," Alex looked down at her breasts.

"Of course," Olivia ran a finger down her soft cheek. "I'm so pleased if it helps."

"It does," Alex said. "You do. I love you so much."

Olivia smiled.

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"It's the doorbell!" Sarah squealed with excitement that evening. "Our first visitor!"

"Use the peephole!" Jay instructed.

"Of course," Sarah looked through and smiled as she saw Alex and Olivia. She flung the door open, and saw a large bunch of flowers which was wobbling uncertainly.

"Lily wanted to bring you some flowers," Alex laughed, and Sarah realized that it was the small child who was trying unsuccessfully to hold the flowers. She reached down and took them from Lily, passing them to Jay. She lifted Lily into the air, laughing.

"These are beautiful," Jay said, "thank you so much."

"We have other gifts," Alex handed a box to Sarah. "These are for you. And Olivia has yours, Jay."

Olivia laughed, as she grabbed a heavy box and pushed it towards Jay. "Reinforcing the lesbian stereotype, I'm afraid," she laughed as Jay took the box excitedly.

"I'm opening mine first!" Sarah declared, as she pulled off the large ribbon. "Wow. Oh my God. These are the real deal," she reached into the box and took out a chef's knife, one of a full set. "No, Lily Alexandra Benson, these are not for you," she smiled at the child, and moved the box to the counter out of Lily's reach. "These are so expensive. Thank you so much. I can't wait to use them."

"You must come to dinner soon," Jay smiled, looking over her lover's shoulder.

"Wait until you're settled," Olivia smiled.

"Your turn," Alex nodded to the box by Jay's feet.

Excitedly, Jay ripped the paper from her gift, her face breaking into a huge smile when she saw the contents. "A tool box! Wow! This has got everything," she started pulling tools out of the box.

"I know it's a stereotype," Alex smiled. "But Olivia says these are all things you could need."

"They are. It's perfect," Jay couldn't stop smiling. "I love it. I love it all."

"Take my advice," Alex stage-whispered to Sarah. "Get her a leather tool belt for Christmas. There's something incredibly hot about a powerful woman in a leather tool belt, isn't that right, Liv?"

"Alex!" Olivia was scarlet with embarrassment, remembering only too clearly Alex's reaction when she had first, innocently, worn her tool belt. She hadn't realized until then that she was fulfilling Alex's major fantasy. "There are some things we _don't_ need to share."

"What?" Alex teased. "I'm not telling any tales. Unlike your face," she gestured to Olivia's puce expression.

"We have to go," Olivia said firmly. She hugged first Jay and then Sarah. "You have a beautiful apartment. You can give us the grand tour once you've emptied all these," she gestured to all the boxes. "Maybe by then, my fiancée will have learned to behave herself!"

"Don't count on it," Alex grinned.


	8. Chapter 8

**[Happy Thanksgiving to all! And thank you so much for all the reviews, I really appreciate them.]**

"Hey, Liv," Alex looked up from her position on the couch.

She looked adorable, Olivia decided. She was freshly bathed, and dressed in loose sweats and one of Olivia's t-shirts. There was something about Alex wearing her clothes that made Olivia feel all warm and gooey inside.

Alex took off her glasses and pushed her laptop to one side, getting up to kiss Olivia tenderly.

"Hey, baby," Olivia replied, smiling. "You look beautiful."

Alex laughed. "I'm a mess. But I love you for saying that. _You_ look tired, Liv."

Olivia smiled ruefully. "Long day," she said.

Alex looked at the clock. "It sure is. It's 11.15pm Olivia. I missed you," she said in a small voice.

"I'm so sorry, Alex. It's this case, if we don't catch a break soon … I don't know," Olivia exhaled, suddenly spent. "We can't give up."

"Of course not," Alex replied. "You'll get him, baby. You're so close. If anyone can get him, you can. Did you eat?"

Olivia wrinkled her brow. They had had take-out at some point. Was that lunch? She couldn't remember.

"Stay there," Alex spoke gently. "Put your feet up. I'll be right back," she grabbed the warm blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it round Olivia.

Eight minutes later, Alex returned, bearing a tray with a mug of soup and some crackers. Olivia was out like a light on the couch. Alex hated to wake her, but she knew she needed to eat. Olivia would doubtless be at her desk by 7am, and she knew that she often forgot to eat when she was caught up in a pressing case. "Olivia," Alex spoke quietly. She set the tray on the side table, and knelt at Olivia's side. "C'mon, baby," Alex ran her hand through her hair lovingly.

Olivia groaned.

"C'mon, Liv," Alex spoke a little louder.

Olivia blinked, and looked at Alex. She smiled. "Sorry," she half-laughed.

"Just eat this, Liv, and then we can go to bed."

Olivia nodded, and sat up. Alex passed her the tray. Olivia realized how different her life was from a few years ago. Before Alex, she would stumble into her apartment and fall asleep on the couch, often waking the next morning, stiff, cold and hungry. And that was when she didn't just crash in the crib. Now, she had a beautiful fiancée to take care of her. To love her. To make the awful cases just that little bit better. She blinked away tears. "Lily?" Olivia asked, between mouthfuls.

"Sleeping like an angel," Alex smiled. "She was so good tonight. She missed you, though. Wanted to know where her Mama was."

"What did you tell her?"

"That Mama was catching some bad guys, and that she'd be home soon. And that she loved her."

Olivia smiled.

"We got an email," Alex changed the subject. "From Amy."

"Amy?" Olivia's face brightened. She had become very fond of the young woman when they had stayed at the hotel she worked at. "Is she in New York yet?"

"Been here nearly a week," Alex said. "She said they've found an apartment, they're moving in in a couple of weeks. They're staying with friends until then. She said it's chaos, but she sounded happy. Says they'll come visit when things settle a bit. She sends her love to us all, says she can't wait to see Lily again."

"That was such a great vacation, wasn't it?" Olivia said, wistfully.

Alex nodded. "The best. We'll go back there again, huh?" she looked pleadingly at Olivia.

"Whenever you want, Alexandra." Olivia yawned.

"You had enough?" Alex took the tray from Olivia when she nodded. She dropped the tray in the kitchen and returned to Olivia, pulling her gently from the couch and guiding her toward the bedroom.

Alex helped Olivia to undress and guided her into bed.

"I should shower," Olivia mumbled.

"Tomorrow," Alex soothed. "Now, you need to sleep."

Alex climbed into bed and kissed her lovingly. She smiled as they broke apart and Olivia snuggled into her front, nuzzling at her neck.

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When Alex awoke at 6.20am the next morning, the bed was empty next to her. She went into the kitchen, hoping to find Olivia there, but the apartment looked empty, apart from a note on the side.

_I slept like a baby. I love you, Alexandra. I'll call you later. Kiss Lily for me._

_O._

_xxx_

Alex smiled. She took out her cellphone.

**Morning Liv. Try to remember to eat today. I love you.**

Three minutes later, her phone buzzed.

_I will if you will! Are you okay today? How are you feeling?_

**I feel great. No morning sickness. I'll drop into the precinct later. **

_Promise me you'll take it slow._

**If you promise me you'll eat lunch.**

_Deal._

**Deal. Oh, I hear a noise, the munchkin's awake. I'll see you later.**

_xxx_

**xxx**

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"Teflon!" Caryn smiled as her favorite colleague tapped on her office door. "Is that coffee in your lily-white hand?"

"It is. Here," Alex handed it to her.

"Oh God, that's good," Caryn took a deep draught. "Why are you bringing me coffee?"

"I just wanted to thank you. I know," Alex laughed. "It's not like me. But you've been great, and I wanted you to know I do appreciate it. And I thought, what better than caffeine?"

Caryn laughed. "Admit it, you just wanted to smell it."

Alex grinned. "I think I miss coffee almost more than alcohol," she admitted.

"So how are you today?" Caryn asked, appraising her colleague.

"I feel good. And I'm taking these," she lifted a pile of files from Caryn's desk. "No," she put a hand out. "Fair's fair. You've been covering for me. God knows what time you got in this morning."

"Well, only because I don't have a hot girlfriend to keep me in bed in the mornings," Caryn winked.

Alex looked at her seriously. "Maybe you should think about that?" she suggested tentatively. "I know, I know. There's nothing worse, just because I've been so lucky, it doesn't mean I can tell you how to run your life."

Caryn shrugged. "I dunno, Cabot. You may have a point," she tried to keep her voice even. Caryn didn't want Alex to know that she had been thinking the very same thing. She had always had a very active love life, but she had deliberately kept things casual with all of her lovers. All except one, she remembered bitterly. And she had been so frightened by the fact that she was falling in love that she had left her. Caryn knew still that that was the stupidest thing she had ever done. And now, at nearly 38, what did she have to show for it? Sure, she had had her choice of beautiful women, but she felt empty and … she hated to admit it even to herself … lonely.

Alex looked up, startled by Caryn's admission. "You think?" she said gently.

"I think I need to get laid," Caryn forced herself to speak in a jovial tone. She laughed, hollowly. "My God," she realized. "It's been … _months_. Shit, how did that happen?"

"The great Caryn Wright, going without sex for months? Now that I can't believe," Alex teased lightly.

"It's the horrible truth," Caryn said. She suddenly realized that she would do anything to be held again. But she couldn't put her heart on the line. She was … scared. "I don't suppose you or HC would be interested in relieving some of my frustrations … ?" Caryn winked at Alex. "I mean, you two are the hottest women I know."

Alex laughed. "You should get out more," she replied, as she gathered up the files. "I'll see you later."

Caryn smiled and nodded.

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4pm

_It's going to be another late one. Can you get home in time for Lily?_

**Of course. Can I do anything for you?**

_You can nail this bastard's hide to the wall once we catch him._

**Consider it done. I love you, Liv.**

_Love you 2. I'll text._

9.45pm

_I'll be a while yet. Don't wait up for me._

**Did you eat?**

_Yes, a turkey sandwich._

**That was lunch, Liv. Seven hours ago.**

_Was it?_

**I just called Luigi's. Pizza and pasta is on its way. I ordered enough for eight.**

_Just one of the reasons I love you._

2am

"I was trying not to wake you," Olivia looked up as Alex came into the living room to find her undressing for bed.

"Did you get him?"

Olivia shook her head. "We're getting close, I can just feel it. How are you?"

"I'm fine," Alex reached out and took her hand, leading her toward the bedroom.

"Boobs?" Olivia wanted to know.

"Tender, but better than they were."

"You swear?"

"I swear. Lie down. Let me hold you," Alex felt Olivia relax in her arms.

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Caryn was uncharacteristically nervous. She shook herself. After all, it was only a year ago that she prowled the clubs several a least twice a week, looking for fresh meat. Tonight, though, she felt … tacky. But she was also horny as hell, and convinced herself that she just needed to get laid. She'd feel better after that.

Caryn sat at the bar, and watched the others, realizing that some of them were almost young enough to be her daughters. She wasn't tempted by 20-year-olds, though. She preferred women with a bit more experience – of life, of love. Of fucking.

She was on her third bourbon when a slim brunette slid into the seat next to her. She was, Caryn guessed, about 34. Perfect.

"Jo," the brunette put out her hand.

"Caryn," she put her hand in hers, smiling.

"So, Caryn. Wanna dance?"

"No," Caryn said.

"No?" Jo's eyes twinkled in amusement. "You come to a dance club, and you don't wanna dance?"

"That's about right," Caryn's tone was flirtatious.

"What _do_ you want?" Jo asked.

"First," Caryn nodded to the bartender. "I want another of these," she smiled as the bourbon slopped into the glass. "You?"

Jo nodded, and smiled her thanks as the bartender slid another beer across to her.

"Then," Caryn said. "I need you to know something."

"Oh yes?"

"I don't do relationships. They just fuck you up."

"So you're not looking for a woman?" Jo sounded disappointed.

"Wrong," Caryn grinned. She was enjoying herself now, her libido rising at the beautiful brunette's obvious interest. "I _am_ looking for a woman. Just not a relationship. And I think it's important to be honest. That way nobody gets hurt."

"So let me get this straight. You want a woman, but just for tonight?"

"Exactly right. I need someone to make me come, long and hard. To make my toes curl," she lowered her voice to a whisper. "To fuck me senseless."

"I can do that," Jo said.

"And how will you feel when you wake up alone?" Caryn was brutally honest.

"Relieved."

"Do you live near?"

"Six blocks from here."

"So what are we doing still here?" Caryn asked.

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6.30am

Caryn looked down at the sleeping woman, as she strode to the door of the apartment. Quietly, she let herself out and strode down the street. She felt a brief pang. Jo had lived up to her word; she still felt tender from her energetic, relentless, passionate, lovemaking. Jo has a magic tongue and fingers. But Caryn wasn't surprised to find that she felt empty now; empty and futile. Maybe Alex was right. A real relationship, that Holy Grail, would surely be better than this. She tried to imagine what it would be like to wake up next to someone she actually loved, that she wanted to spend time with, rather than just fucking. The idea held a certain appeal.

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6.45am

Alex grunted as she awoke, momentarily disoriented. Then she heard Lily's morning call, and realized that was what had woken her. She was unsurprised to see the empty bed. This time, Olivia had left a note on the nightstand.

_Do you have any idea just how cute you look when you sleep? I'll text. O. xxx_

Alex smiled. "Coming, Lily," she called when Lily shouted again.

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"I could get used to this," Sarah smiled as Jay passed her a plate of toast and a mug of coffee.

"As long as that's all you expect from me in the kitchen," Jay grinned.

Sarah grinned back. "I don't care about your skills in the kitchen," she said. "It's your other skills that interest me."

"Other skills?" Jay teased.

"There are some areas in which you have shown supreme talent," Sarah reached under her singlet, her hand reaching its target. She closed her fingers almost roughly over the sensitive flesh that she encountered. Jay squeaked.

"Oh," Jay gasped. "_Those_ skills."

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By midday, Alex found herself flagging quickly. She hated that she ran out of energy so early and suddenly some days. She forced herself to keep going until 3pm, and was blinking hard to keep awake when Liz Donnelly stuck her head around her door. "They have a suspect at the 1-6," she said, without preamble. "You wanna go, or shall I send Caryn?"

Alex brightened. Not only was she keen for any excuse to see Olivia, but she was also thrilled that, at last, Olivia might soon be able to get some rest. "I'll go," she was already collecting her coat.

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By the time Alex reached the precinct, she had a distinct headache. But she didn't care, and she was relieved to see Olivia at her desk when she strode into the squad room. Olivia looked exhausted, but her face lit up at the sight of Alex. "Hey," she spoke softly as she stood up and touched Alex on the arm. She wanted to take her in her arms and kiss her, but they both did their best to remain professional at work.

"You got him?" Alex asked. "You think he's the one?"

"I know he is," Olivia smiled.

"I thought you'd be in with him."

"We're tag-teaming," Olivia said. "Munch has him for the next hour. Then Elliot. Then it's my turn. I think it's going to be a long night."

Alex's face fell.

Olivia spotted her changing expression. "I'm so sorry, baby. I was hoping to get back tonight, but ..."

"I know. This is important. I just want you to get some rest. You will, when it's all over, won't you?"

Olivia nodded. "Of course," she said. "Are you okay? You're as white as milk, Alex."

Alex shook her head, regretting it as the pain coursed across her skull. "I'm fine. Headache is all."

"Nausea?"

"No," Alex lied. "I'm fine, Liv. I should talk to Cragen, see what I can do."

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Alex made it home just as Rosie was bringing Lily to the door. "Perfect timing," she smiled, tiredly.

"She's tired out," Rosie said, apologetically. "We spent hours in the park. She's just about ready to hit the hay."

Alex nodded. "That's great. I'm a little tired myself. We'll just have dinner and then it's your bath, baby girl," she smiled at Lily.

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Alex got out her cellphone to text Olivia.

**She's asleep.**

_You should sleep too. How's the headache?_

**It's fine.**

_How bad?_

**I'll be fine after some sleep. How are you? Are you getting somewhere?**

_We'll crack him. If it's the last thing we do._

**I know you will. If anyone can, you can. I ordered Chinese, it'll be there soon.**

_I love you. Sleep now. Please._

**I will. xxx**

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Alex slid gratefully into bed, her whole body aching and sore. She felt miserable, and just wanted Olivia to hold her. She would make it all better, she knew. Soon. The case would soon be over.

At 2.40am, Alex gasped and sprang out of bed. She bolted for the bathroom and wrenched the toilet seat up just in time as her stomach erupted. The nausea was relentless, and kept her hunched over the bowl for nearly an hour, as she heaved painfully. Tears streamed down her face, as she prayed fruitlessly for Olivia to return miraculously and make everything better.

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"Here she is," Alex tried to smile as she wheeled Lily to Rosie and Melinda's front door.

"Are you okay?" Melinda looked at the wan attorney in front of her. "You look awful, Alex."

"Morning sickness can be a bitch," Alex admitted.

"Can you take the day off?"

"I'll come home early," Alex promised.

"Why don't we keep Lily tonight?" Melinda suggested. "Give you two a break. Is Liv still at the precinct?"

"Yeah. She's been there all night."

"Then we're definitely keeping Lily. She'll be fine. You both need rest," Melinda insisted. "And Gracie will be delighted, so will Katie. They love it when Lily stays."

"Are you sure?" Alex blinked back her tears, determined not to cry. She had heard about pregnancy hormones making women emotional, but she had had no idea quite how bad it could really be.

"Of course. We'll see you tomorrow evening. And Alex?"

Alex looked up.

"Take care of yourself. Call me if you need me."

"I will. And thank you," Alex said.

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"That's it, Teflon. You're going home. You look awful," Caryn was firm. "C'mon," she held her coat out to her.

Alex shook her head. "I'll be fine."

"You. Are. Going. Home. I'm driving. Want me to call Hot Cop and tell her you're sick and won't go home?"

Alex looked panicked. "No. Don't call her. Please. She's in the middle of a really important case, and she's exhausted. I'm not sick, Caryn, just pregnant and tired. The last thing Olivia needs is to worry about me."

"I'll stay away from the phone, as long as you come with me _now_, okay?"

"Okay," Alex said resignedly. "Thank you."

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4pm

Alex lay her head on her pillow, reveling in the feel of the cool linen. Her head still pounded and her stomach was doing somersaults. She was desperate for some Advil, but didn't want to risk harming the baby. She prayed for sleep.

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7.50pm

"We got him," Elliot was running on fumes. "59 hours, but we got him. Didn't we Liv?" Elliot smiled at his partner, who nodded.

"Good work," Cragen said. "Go home. You both look like hell."

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Olivia was concerned to find the apartment in darkness. She turned on the small lamp in the hallway, and saw a note from Alex.

_Wake me up when you get home. Rosie and Melinda have got Lily for the night, so we can both get some sleep. I love you._

Olivia immediately read between the lines, and realized that Alex must be feeling bad. She hadn't been with her for the last few nights, so she was worried that Alex had been suffering but been too unselfish to tell her. She stripped off her pants, sweater and shirt, and expertly slid her bra through the sleeves of her undershirt. Wearing just her undershirt and panties, she crept into their bedroom, and saw Alex huddled under the covers.

Alex's face looked white and drawn, so Olivia decided to ignore her instructions about waking her. She smiled as she slid under the covers. Even in her sleep, Alex realized that she was not alone in the bed, and turned into Olivia's front, burying her face in her front. She mumbled something, but Olivia couldn't decipher what she was saying.

Within a few minutes, Olivia was dead to the world, the last few days finally catching up on her. So she didn't immediately react as Alex became restless in her sleep. At 3am, though, Olivia turned in the bed to find Alex missing. "Lex?" she called out, expecting her to be in the en-suite bathroom. "Alexandra?"

Olivia ran into the living room, relief flooding through her as she saw a light coming from the kitchen. She went in, and saw a pale Alex, holding a heated pad to her shoulder. "Alex?" Olivia spoke softly, not wanting to startle her lover. "What's wrong, baby?"

Alex looked up, and Olivia saw the deep shadows under her eyes. "Wrenched my damn shoulder," Alex's voice was weak. She looked into Olivia's eyes. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, baby," Olivia caressed her cheek lovingly, and kissed her very softly on the lips. "C'mon, let's go back to bed, I'll give you a massage."

Alex shook her head. "I don't think that would help. It's kinda sharp, on the tip of the shoulder. God knows what I've done to it."

"Let's go to the emergency room," Olivia was already looking around for her keys.

"No, it's not that bad. I just pulled something. Let's go back to bed. I just need to hold this on it," Alex winced as she stood, clutching the hot pad.

"Let me hold you, I'll keep it in place," Olivia suggested. She guided her exhausted lover back to bed and, after a little shifting around, found a position that Alex was comfortable in. "Wake me if you need me," Olivia instructed.

"I will."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

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Alex became more restless, waking several times over the next two hours. Olivia held her tenderly, whispering lovingly to her.

At 5.35am, Alex sat bolt upright, crying out with pain.

Olivia was immediately awake. "Lex? What is it, honey?" she put a hand on her back, and felt her trembling. Her t-shirt was damp with sweat. Olivia moved her hand to her forehead. "Shit!" she exclaimed. "You're burning up."

Alex moaned, her hand going to her painful shoulder. Sweat broke out on her upper lip, and she knew she was going to be sick. "Liv? I'm … oh God," she heaved violently, and vomited copiously in her lap. Her head was pounding, and her heart racing.

"Lex? It's okay, baby. We're going to get you to a doctor," Olivia tried to support Alex, whose eyes were glassy and pained.

Alex groaned again, her hand clutching her abdomen. She reached out desperately for Olivia, gripping her singlet as she was overcome with panic. Her stomach twisted, and she retched again and again, spraying them both with vomit.

Olivia did her best to support Alex with one hand, as she dialed 911 on her cellphone, barking instructions to the operator. "She's nearly nine weeks pregnant!" she said. "Please hurry."

She dropped the phone on the nightstand as Alex twisted in her arms, her breathing becoming ragged and panicked. "Alexandra, listen to me. There's a bus on the way. You've caught a bug or something baby. They'll fix you right up, and you'll be feeling better in no time. Try not to panic, Alex, that just makes it all so much worse," Olivia smoothed a hand over her forehead, shocked at the heat. She reached into the drawer of the nightstand and withdrew the thermometer, sliding it into Alex's ear. 102.6°F. No wonder Alex felt so bad. "You have a fever, sweetheart. They'll get that down, and you'll be fine," Olivia tried to move the vomit stained quilt from under Alex's nose; the acid stench was enough to turn anyone's stomach. "I'll be right back," she promised, as she leant Alex back against a pillow.

Olivia ran to the door of the apartment and unlatched it. She ran back to the bedroom, and grabbed two warm blankets from in the closet; she flung the soiled quilt to the floor, and wrapped the blankets around her lover. Seeing Alex's panicked expression, she grabbed the trashcan from the floor and held it under her chin just in time as the vomiting began again.

After nearly ten minutes, Alex finally stopped retching, and collapsed limply in Olivia's arms. Her eyes were unfocused, and her breathing was worsening. Olivia hated the whimpering, pained sounds that Alex was making, but her blood ran cold when Alex screamed in pain, her arms clutching her belly.

Alex had never felt pain like it. She felt like she was being ripped in two. She was dimly aware of Olivia's voice, and knew she was being held in strong arms.

At that moment, the EMTs arrived, and everything went into slow motion for Olivia. The younger EMT prepared the gurney, while the other, a woman in her thirties, tended to Alex, asking Olivia questions. The older EMT took Alex's temperature and frowned. "It's 102.6°F," Olivia told her.

"It's 103.9°F," the EMT told her gently. "We have to get her in right away. Nine weeks, you say?"

Olivia nodded, desperately trying not to panic; she continued to stroke Alex's face, trying to keep her calm.

"What else?"

"She didn't have a fever at 3am. Her shoulder was sore, but ..."

"Shoulder?" the EMT asked sharply. "The tip?"

Olivia nodded, dumbly.

The EMT picked up her radio. "We're bringing in a pregnant woman. 29 years old?" she looked at Olivia, who nodded. She lowered her voice, but Olivia could still hear every word. "Probable ectopic, likely ruptured."

Olivia felt like the ground was swallowing her up. "Ectopic?"

The EMT tried to be gentle, as she and her colleague lifted Alex onto the gurney. They all noticed the blood on the bed. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "Shoulder tip pain is a classic sign; vomiting; fever. We need to get her to the hospital as soon as possible. She may be bleeding internally."


	9. Chapter 9

**[A big thank you to all those that left reviews!]**

"You should get dressed," the older EMT turned to Olivia, "while we get her on the gurney."

Olivia looked distraught. She smoothed Alex's damp hair from her brow. "I'm right here, sweetie," she whispered, hating to let go of her for even a second. "I'm just going to put some clothes on, so I can come with you." She kissed her softly, and swiftly donned sweatpants. Caring nothing for modesty, she stripped off her vomit-stained shirt, grabbing the first top she could find, which turned out to be Alex's old baggy Harvard sweatshirt. She jammed her sockless feet into an old pair of sneakers.

She was back at Alex's side in under a minute.

"Take your cellphone, honey," the EMT advised as they moved toward the door. "You'll likely need to phone someone."

Olivia nodded, and grabbed the phone from the side. "I'm back, baby," she said softly to Alex.

Alex's eyes fluttered open; Olivia could see panic in them. "We're going to get you all fixed up," Olivia tried to keep her voice steady. "I know you feel awful. We'll be at the hospital soon."

Olivia watched in horror as her fiancée was loaded into the ambulance. She scrambled in after her, taking up her hand. Alex was non-responsive, but was clearly very distressed. Olivia knelt at her side and slid one arm under her, holding her as close as she could, without getting in the way of the EMTs.

Until that moment, Olivia hadn't really known what fear was. Sure, she had been frightened many times in the course of her work – not only at work; her personal life was hardly trauma-free. She had, more than once, believed that she was about to die. But the fear she had felt then didn't begin to compare with what she felt now. Utter, abject terror. As her delirious lover twisted agonizingly in her arms, she tried to tamp down the thought that she could die. Alex could leave her. She already knew in her heart that they had lost their baby; the baby that they had both been so excited about. The loss would have been overwhelming if it had not been overshadowed so terrifyingly by Alex's collapse.

Olivia had never prayed so hard in her life. She would give anything … _everything_ … if only Alex would be alright. Alex cried out in pain, her back arching as agony lanced through her. Olivia held her tighter, wishing that she could absorb some of her pain. She felt Alex go limp in her arms as she lost her tenuous grip on consciousness. "Alex, it's going to be alright," Olivia kissed her on the forehead. "Stay with me, sweetheart. We'll be there real soon. I'll stay with you all I can; even when I can't be by your side, I'll be in the corridor, waiting for you. They'll take real good care of you," Olivia knew she was rambling. She didn't care. She didn't know if Alex could even hear her, but she wanted Alex to have something to hold on to, and she prayed that her voice was getting through to her. "I love you, honey. So much."

The older EMT pressed the button on her radio. "We're four minutes out," she tried to keep her voice quiet as she spoke to the hospital, but Olivia heard every syllable. "She needs to be prepped for immediate surgery. She's losing blood, and I'm guessing she's bleeding internally too," the EMT looked at the monitor. "Her fever's rising," she reported. "And her blood pressure's falling … too fast," the EMT gently pushed Olivia to the side as she lowered the end of the gurney. She lifted Alex's legs, bending them at the knee.

The next hour passed in a horrifying blur for Olivia, though when she thought back, she was able to remember every terrifying minute. The ambulance arrived at the hospital, and she was held back by strong, caring arms as Alex's gurney was whisked along the corridor. The next thing she knew, she was standing at the admissions desk, filling in what seemed like endless paperwork, as she answered pointless questions about Alex's insurance, religious affiliations, food allergies and God only knew what else. "Just help her!" she wanted to scream. But she knew that the medical staff were doing just that, and that the rather dim girl at the desk was only doing her job.

Once the paperwork was finally done, she took a step back from the desk, leaning against the wall, as all energy drained from her. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder, and she looked up into the eyes of a male, African American nurse. His eyes were so kind and so caring that she almost lost it right there. Her legs started to shake.

"Come with me," he spoke softly and kindly. He slid one arm around her waist and led her to a quiet room, with an old couch in the corner, and three armchairs. "Sit here," he guided her to a chair. He left her, returning in seconds with a warm blanket. "You're in shock," he said.

"Alex?" Olivia spoke at last.

"She's in surgery. She'll be there for a while. Let me call someone for you," he said.

Olivia blinked and stared at him.

"Who shall I call?" he spoke again, keeping his tone unthreatening and kind.

Olivia swallowed. "I just want Alex."

"I know," he said gently. "Let me see your phone," he took it from her clenched fist. He looked in the phone log. "You have some recent calls here. What about Elliot? Sarah? Jay?" he was scrolling through.

"Sarah," Olivia spoke in a whisper.

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Sarah burst through the door of the relatives' room twenty-three minutes later. Her hair was still wet, and she work no make-up. Olivia looked at her blankly.

"I … she … ," Olivia couldn't find the words.

Sarah knew that Olivia needed her to be gentle. She knelt next to her, and took her hands in her own. "Alex is in surgery?" she asked.

Olivia nodded, tears starting to fall at last.

"I'm Gary," the nurse said. "They took her straight to surgery. It looks like the pregnancy was ectopic, and we suspect the fallopian tube has burst. We don't know anything else yet. She's in good hands. I'll just go and see if I can find out anything, though I don't expect there's any news yet."

Sarah's heart plummeted. She could see utter devastation and fear on Olivia's face. This was not the time for platitudes, she knew. Olivia spent too much of her life consoling others, and she would recognize empty promises only too quickly. Sarah put her arm around her, feeling her shaking. "Can I do anything?" she asked, softly.

"Lily?" Olivia spoke.

"Jay's going to call Rosie and Melinda, she'll explain to them. Don't worry about Lily. We'll make sure one of us is with her all the time. Jay'll be here soon; she was going to drop by your apartment, pick up some clothes for you."

Olivia nodded. She was unbelievably exhausted. She tried to focus her mind, but every time she did, the horror was too great, and her mind retreated into blankness.

The door opened again, admitting Carolyn and the nurse Gary. Sarah looked up at her mother. Gary put his hand on Sarah's arm. "You two talk," he said quietly. "I'll wait here," he sat on the arm of the chair, resting a hand on Olivia's shoulder.

Sarah took her mother out into the corridor and filled her in. Carolyn's face fell, and she accepted a warm hug from her daughter. "We need to take care of Olivia," Carolyn said. "That's what Alex would want us to do."

The next eight hours passed in a haze of misery. Sarah tried to persuade Olivia to sleep, eventually coaxing the detective to move to the couch and to lay down, with her head in Sarah's lap. Olivia couldn't sleep, but at least she rested, while Sarah held her lovingly. Jay joined the group about half an hour after Carolyn's arrival, and they all sat quietly, speaking only occasionally.

Every time the door opened, Olivia sat up sharply, a look of panic in her eye. But usually it was a relative of another patient, or Gary coming to tell them that there was no news. Finally, just before 3pm, Gary came in again, a small smile on his face. "She's in recovery," he said gently to Olivia. "You can see her in an hour or so."

"How is she?" Olivia's voice cracked.

"She's had a rough time," Gary believed in telling the truth. "The pregnancy _was_ ectopic. I'm so sorry. Her tube ruptured. It was a good thing you got her here when you did."

Olivia stared at him. "I need to know it all," she tried to remain calm.

"The rupture was severe, and it caused serious hemorrhaging. She lost a lot of blood. She bottomed-out on the table," Olivia went white as she heard his words. "But they got her back, right away," Gary put his hand on her arm. "They don't think there'll be any brain damage."

"They don't _think_?" Olivia thought she might be sick.

"We can't be sure of anything, not until she comes round."

"How much blood did she lose?"

"They had to give her six pints. And she's receiving another now, just to be sure. She's a fighter, that one."

Olivia nodded. "She will be okay?"

"It's looking good," Gary smiled. "Nothing is certain until she wakes up. But they do think she will wake up. The next 24 hours are critical. She's still running a fever, but they got it down to 102.4°F."

"Is she in pain?"

"Not right now. And we'll do all we can to manage the pain when she comes round."

"I need to see her," Olivia said.

"We'll get you in there as soon as we can," Gary promised. "Ninety minutes. Two hours, tops. See if you can get some rest now. I'll come for you as soon as she's moved out of recovery." He smiled as he left the room.

Olivia's shaking intensified. She tried to breathe deeply, but was suddenly overwhelmed. Jay noticed the changing expression on her face, and strode over to her. She slid an arm around her waist, helping her to stand. "Let's get you to the bathroom," she spoke kindly.

Jay supported Olivia as she vomited violently into the toilet bowl, her whole body convulsing with shock, fear and exhaustion.

Concerned eyes looked up when Jay helped Olivia back into the relatives' room twenty minutes later. Nobody said anything; there was little to be said. Jay guided Olivia onto the couch, keeping a tight hold on her. Sarah draped a warm blanket over her.

"I hate that she's alone," Olivia whispered eventually.

"She won't be for long," Carolyn spoke. "Most importantly, she won't be alone when she wakes up."

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Olivia kept vigil over the unconscious Alex for fourteen hours, noting every inhalation, every involuntary movement. She held her hand, and stroked her brow, whispering to her, kissing her softly. She could tell that her fever was gradually falling, and smiled at the parade of nurses and doctors that came in and out of Alex's room. Every check seemed to bring good news, albeit agonizingly slowly.

Olivia wasn't hungry, but forced herself to eat the sandwiches brought to her by Sarah or Jay. Carolyn left the hospital to help take care of Lily. Olivia was desperate to see their daughter, but she couldn't bear to face her until she knew that Alex was going to be okay. She couldn't explain the situation to Lily while Alex was still unconscious. So Carolyn promised to entertain the toddler until Olivia could take over.

Olivia had barely slept in five days, so when Jay placed a pillow on Alex's bed and suggested Olivia rest her head, she agreed. Olivia tried to stay awake, but she felt her eyes getting heavy. Her sleep was restless and disturbed, and more than once, she jerked awake. At around 2am, though, she relaxed. She dreamt she could feel Alex running her soft hand through her hair. She smiled in her sleep, moving further into the imagined touch. She started to wake, and realized that she was not dreaming. Someone was petting her. She sat up slowly, and saw Alex looking deep into her eyes. Alex was white as milk, dark shadows beneath her eyes. But she was awake, and her shaky hand was reaching out to Olivia.

Olivia took her hand in her own, feeling the trembling but warm fingers. "Alexandra?" Olivia whispered.

"I'm so sorry," Alex's voice was so weak. "I'm so sorry, Liv."

Olivia reached out for the call button. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I love you so much, Alex. You're going to be alright, baby. You'll come through this. I'm going to help you all I can. I love you."

Olivia looked up as the doctor came through the door. "She's awake," she said. She looked back into Alex's distraught face. "You woke up, my darling. You came back to me. My prayers were answered."

"Not all of them," Alex said weakly, a fat tear sliding down her cheek.

"You're all I need. You and Lily. Let the doctor check you out, sweetheart," Olivia moved a little to give the doctor access, without releasing Alex's hand. "We're going to get through this together," she promised.


	10. Chapter 10

"Liv?" Alex looked panicked as she awoke, relaxing when she felt Olivia's hand in her own.

"I'm here, baby," Olivia said softly. She had not left Alex's side, nor was she planning too.

"Wha's time?"

"It's night-time," Olivia looked at the clock, which read 4.22am. "You should sleep Alex, if you can."

"You'll be here?"

"All the time. I'm not going anywhere. I promise," Olivia kissed her hand. "Try to relax."

Alex nodded, but then grimaced.

"Are you in pain?"

Alex looked confused. She nodded. "Yeah."

"I'll call the nurse, we'll get you some good drugs," Olivia was already pressing the button.

The nurse was there in seconds, and injected something into Alex's IV. "That should kick in right away," the nurse said kindly.

Alex's features started to relax. She squeezed Olivia's hand. "You won't leave?"

"I swear," Olivia reassured her, running her hand through Alex's hair. "Close your eyes, baby. And I'll be right here when you open them next. I love you, Alexandra."

Alex slept for nearly three hours, jerking awake just after 7am, a look of fear on her face.

Olivia stroked her arm. "It's okay, honey. You're in the hospital. You're going to be okay."

Alex turned her head to look at her. She felt so frightened and disoriented. She had a hazy recollection of the events of the past 24 hours, but her mind was clogged with all the drugs. Only Olivia's face made sense. As long as she had Olivia, it would all be okay. She tried to blink back her tears, but felt them falling.

Olivia sat gingerly on the side of the bed, and slid an arm around Alex, careful not to dislodge any tubes. She felt Alex press her face into her side. "It's okay, baby. Cry all you want. You've had a terrible time. Let it go, sweetie. It'll all be okay."

Eventually, Alex calmed, and drifted off to sleep again. Olivia retook her position on the chair by her bed, making sure that she never released her hand. Alex was so scared, so fragile, she needed to feel her there physically at all times. Olivia had never been so tired in her life, but she couldn't bring herself even to take the three steps away from the bed to lie down on the couch. Alex needed her by her side, and she would be there, whatever it took.

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"Lily?" Alex asked weakly, early that afternoon.

"Carolyn's helping Rosie and Melinda with her. And Sarah and Jay are going to help out too. They all want to come see you, but I told them not today, was I right Alex?"

Alex looked alarmed. "I … I … no. I just want you. Only you. I don't want to see anyone."

"That's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to. I'll text them all, let them know you're doing okay, getting stronger, but that you aren't up to visitors yet."

"Maybe tomorrow?"

"See how you feel tomorrow. Don't push yourself, Alex."

"I don't want to talk about … it," Alex looked anguished. "Losing it. I can't … there aren't words."

"You don't have to," Olivia tried to keep her own voice even. "Not even with me, if you don't want to. As long as you know how much I love you. Lily loves you too. So much."

"I miss her," Alex winced as she tried to sit up a little. "Is she okay?"

"I'm sure she's fine. She's in good hands. You just let me know when you want to see her. I think maybe you should leave it a couple of days, so you're not in so much pain?"

Alex nodded. "Sarah too. I'd like to see Sarah."

"I'll call her now. How about I ask Sarah to bring Lily in on Wednesday? Then you can see them both. And if you change your mind on Wednesday, that's okay too."

"S'good," Alex was already fading.

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Over the next two days, Olivia stayed by Alex's side the whole time, only leaving her for brief minutes when she went to the bathroom. The nurses were kind and brought Olivia food and drink, so that she could stay with her lover.

Alex hated that she felt so clingy, but she just couldn't bear to be away from Olivia. Nothing made sense to her any more, and she felt that she was only just clinging on to reality. Only Olivia anchored her. She knew she had lost their baby. What she didn't know was how much damage she had herself sustained. And she couldn't talk about it, not even to Olivia. Olivia had told her she was going to be fine, but she didn't know what that meant. Maybe Olivia didn't either?

Alex could tell that it must have been bad; very bad. She knew this not only because of the pain she was still in, and the residual fever, but she could tell just by looking at Olivia's face. She tried to hide it, but the look of devastation and exhaustion was clear to Alex. Alex half-heartedly tried to get Olivia to sleep on the couch in her room, but Olivia wouldn't leave her side, and for that Alex was grateful. Feeling Olivia's warm hand in her own, her arm around her, her lips on her own, was the only thing that was keeping her together.

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On Wednesday morning, Alex awoke to see Olivia's beautiful face. "You need to sleep," Alex told her, her voice still weak.

"I did sleep, Alexandra. I'm sleeping when you are."

"Your back must be killing you," Alex realized what she was putting her lover through.

"My back will be fine. I'll have a warm shower when Sarah is here. Do you still want her to bring Lily in?"

"Yeah. Carolyn came come too, if she wants."

"She'll love that," Olivia smiled. "She's been texting constantly. She loves you, Alex."

"I'm so glad we're friends again," Alex's voice betrayed the emotion she felt.

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Carolyn tapped on the door of Alex's room. "Are you up for some visitors?"

Alex tried to smile. She put her hand out to her, which Carolyn eagerly took. "Sarah's just parking," she told Olivia, "she'll be here in a moment with Lily. Lily can't wait to see you both."

Olivia smiled, and ceded her place on the chair. "I'll be right back," she promised Alex, and stepped out into the corridor. She saw Sarah coming toward her, with little Lily toddling by her side, clinging tight onto Sarah's hand.

"Mama!" Lily called when she saw Olivia. She took off at a rate, trying to run down the corridor. Only Sarah's tight grip stopped her falling on her butt. Olivia swept Lily up into her arms and held her tight. "Thank you," she mouthed at Sarah, who smiled warmly, and touched her arm gently.

"Oh my baby," Olivia whispered, reveling in the feel of the little warm body in her arms. "I've missed you so much, Lily, we both have."

"Mommy?" Lily asked.

"Mommy's been sick, baby," Olivia tried to explain. "She was very sick, but she's getting better now. She's going to be fine, Lily," Olivia saw the stricken look on Lily's face. "Truly. She'll be all better real soon. But she's missed you so much, she can't stop talking about you."

"Want Mommy," Lily's face had crumpled.

"We'll go see her right now. We have to be quiet with her though, sweetie. She's still real tired, and a little sore. So we've all got to be kind to her, and not make too much noise."

Lily nodded.

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"Someone wants to see you," Olivia tried to keep her voice even as she brought their daughter in to see Alex.

Alex's face lit up at the sight of Lily; only Olivia saw the mixed emotions that flitted across her countenance. "Baby girl," Alex tried to make her voice sound stronger. "Come here and give me a hug."

Very carefully, Olivia placed Lily on the bed, making sure that she was nowhere near Alex's wound. Lily wrapped her pudgy arms around Alex. "I love you mommy," she said.

Alex held her close. "I love you too, sweet baby. I've missed you."

"When you coming home?"

"Another few days yet," Olivia said softly. "Mommy's doctors want her to stay at least three more days, just so they can make sure she gets better as fast as possible. Then we can take her home. Won't that be wonderful?"

Lily nodded gravely. "You still sick Mommy?"

"I'm getting better all the time," Alex smiled. "Seeing you has made me feel so much better."

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Olivia waved their family off down the corridor, returning to Alex's side. She was unsurprised to see tears pouring down Alex's face. Carefully, she climbed on to the bed and took Alex in her arms, holding her lovingly. "Shh," she whispered, wiping her tears with her thumbs. "I know, sweetheart. I know."

"Lily … ," Alex hiccoughed. "Our baby … could have … I couldn't bear it if we lost Lily," Alex wept for what might have been. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I lost our baby. I lost our baby," she wailed, as her sobs overtook her.

"It's not your fault, Alexandra. It happens, sometimes. It's awful, and unbearable, and hideous. But sometimes it happens. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for us. But most of all I'm grateful. I still have you. We can cope. Losing the baby is terrible. But we can cope. I couldn't cope if I lost you. You are the most important thing in the world to me, Alex. We'll be okay. You'll be okay. Let it all out, baby," she rocked her gently. "I'm here with you. I'll love you for ever. Let me be strong for you this time. You can lean on me. We'll get you all better. There, baby," she cupped her cheek tenderly. "It'll be okay."

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**Friday evening 8pm**

"She's only been home a couple of days," Olivia spoke into the phone as Alex slept. "Let me check with her first. She's still … kinda fragile."

"Just send her my love," Caryn said. "Tell her … I'm sorry, is all. Let me know when she feels up to visitors. We miss her here."

"Thank you, Caryn," Olivia said. She heard a phone ringing in the background. "Are you still at work?"

"Just finishing a few things. I'll be leaving soon. What about you, HC? How are you holding up?" she asked unexpectedly kindly.

Olivia was stunned by the gentleness of her tone. She was at a loss as to what to say. She was so focused on supporting Alex that she hadn't really thought about how it had affected her. "I'm grateful," she said eventually. "I still have her."

"She's a lucky woman to have you, Olivia," Caryn said. "You two take care of each other, huh? And kiss that gorgeous daughter of yours for me."

Caryn hung up the phone, surprised to find her own eyes filling with tears. She couldn't imagine ever having a relationship like that; a partner who would do anything to support her, to make her happy. She felt a sudden, sharp pang of loneliness, as well as the recurring regret she felt whenever she thought about her one true love. She needed to be touched, held.

An hour later, Caryn strode into the bar. It was packed with lesbians of all ages, all looking for something – a girlfriend, a partner, a family – or just a quick fuck.

Caryn knocked back two quick bourbons to give herself courage. She approached a tall, leggy brunette who had been looking at her appreciatively, and smiled seductively. "I don't do relationships," she whispered. "Still interested?"

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Alex awoke alone at 10pm. She got straight out of bed. "Olivia?" she called, going into the living room. She saw her lover sitting in an armchair, a stack of files next to her.

"Alex? Are you okay?"

Alex looked shaky. "I missed you," she said, simply.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to catch up on some of these," Olivia gestured to the pile of case files.

"You should be going back to work," Alex said.

"Not yet. I'd rather be here. With you."

Alex nodded, tears springing to her eyes. She hated that she had so little control over her emotions.

"Why don't you keep me company?" Olivia suggested. "Here," she grabbed the afghan off the back of the couch. "Lie on the couch, I'll sit here with you, while I finish up here."

Alex allowed Olivia to guide her onto the couch, and lay obediently as Olivia pulled the warm afghan over her. Olivia settled on the end of the couch, smiling as Alex immediately snuggled into her lap, her head resting on her thigh. Olivia caressed Alex with one hand as she worked. Soon, she felt Alex relax.

Olivia was worried. In some ways, Alex seemed to be recovering from her ordeal, but she panicked when Olivia wasn't close to her. She was warm and loving with Lily, but even when she was with her, she still looked round to make sure Olivia was close. Olivia hadn't yet broached the subject of therapy, but she increasingly wondered if that would be the best thing. She knew Alex would hate even the suggestion, but she wanted to do what she could to help her come back to herself. Olivia let her hand run through Alex's blonde hair. She would try not to spook her. These things took time, she knew that. She would do whatever she could to help.


	11. Chapter 11

Alex had never been so needy; in all the time Olivia had known her, the blonde attorney had always been independent and fundamentally strong. But now, it seemed, she needed Olivia's physical presence at all times.

Alex was trying to hide her vulnerability, and sometimes when she was playing with Lily, it almost looked as though things were getting back to normal. But then Olivia would catch her looking up, and the look of relief on her face when she spotted Olivia was unmistakeable.

Alex had been home now for ten days, and she was getting physically stronger all the time. Her operation site was less tender as each day passed, though she brushed off Olivia's daily enquiries. It was clear she just did not want to talk about it. Olivia had sat down with Alex and tried to talk about the operation. Alex knew that her left fallopian tube had been so badly damaged that the surgeon had had no choice but to remove it. Her face when Olivia explained that to her remained impassive; Olivia knew that she had heard her, but she wondered if she had really taken it in.

On the sixth day after Alex came home, Olivia had tentatively raised the idea of therapy. She had known that Alex would not be keen, but she had not been ready for the fury that her suggestion had unleashed. She had never seen Alex so angry. And scared. Alex had apologized for her reaction just minutes afterwards, but they were both so rattled by the vehemence of her response that Olivia vowed to herself that she would not raise the subject again until Alex was feeling stronger.

Lily was a sweetheart. She was trying so hard to listen to Olivia's words of caution about Alex being 'tired', so she didn't fling herself around quite as much as usual. If Alex noticed her increased gentleness, she didn't remark upon it. But one thing that Alex was enjoying was Lily's need for more hugs than usual. This was the second time that Lily had been separated from her mothers when one or the other was in hospital, and it had unnerved her a little. So she took every opportunity to climb into one of their laps and just snuggle. Alex loved to hold her warm, solid little body in her arms, feeling her breathing – so alive, so loving. Even though she had failed to carry her own baby, Alex knew that Lily was still her daughter, and found her presence endlessly comforting.

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"We should think about getting Lily back into her routine," Olivia mused, as she sat on the couch, Alex nestled in her arms.

"What do you mean?" Alex sounded alarmed.

Olivia hated that Alex was immediately unsettled by any potential change to their daily life.

"Just that maybe she should go back to Rosie a couple of days a week. Not that I want her to go, but she enjoys it so much. And we'll have to go back to work at some point; it might be easier for her if she gets back into her routine sooner."

"Not Monday," Alex pleaded.

"No baby; she always spends Monday with you. And Fridays with me," Olivia smiled. Since Lily's birth, they had both cut down their working weeks, so that they each worked four days. That way, Lily was at home with Alex on Monday, Olivia on Friday, and spent most Tuesdays and Thursdays with Rosie. On the Wednesday, she either went to the daycare at Alex's office, or sometimes had a day out with Carolyn or Vanessa and Joe. Lily had taken to the variety in her week with gusto, and was hugely popular with all her carers.

"So she has to go to Rosie on Tuesday?" Alex looked tense.

"She doesn't _have_ to, Alex," Olivia said gently, stroking her hand. "It's just a suggestion. You want to keep her here a while?"

"Maybe just one more week?" Alex tried not to sound too plaintive. She couldn't explain, even to herself, how grounding it was for her to have Lily around.

"She's not tiring you too much?" Olivia admitted the other reason she was suggesting the return to the routine.

"No. I love having her around. She … I … it's hard to explain."

"You don't have to explain, baby," Olivia said tenderly. "We'll keep her around. Lily will love that. Have you noticed how cuddly she is right now? She's so pleased to have her mommy home."

"What about you, Liv? When are you going back to work?" Alex tried desperately to keep her voice even. She couldn't admit that she was terrified of being without Olivia. She wanted her by her side all the time. Christ, even when she spent more than a moment in the bathroom, Alex found herself getting tense. But she didn't want to be selfish. She knew that Olivia's compassionate leave was up in three days' time.

"I'm taking a week's vacation," Olivia tried to sound casual. "They owe me the days, and the weather is so beautiful right now. Late September in NewYork. I thought maybe we could get out of the apartment a little next week. The park will look lovely, all the leaves starting to turn. And we could take Lily a few places – the aquarium, maybe."

Alex looked a little nervous.

"We don't have to leave the apartment, Alexandra," Olivia said. "If you'd rather just stay here, we can do that too."

Alex shook her head. "No. We should get out. I need to get out. We can't spend the rest of our lives in here," right now, Alex couldn't think of anything better than staying in the warm, safe apartment with Olivia and Lily. But she knew it wasn't fair to either of them, and it wasn't realistic. Soon, she would have to take up the reins of her life again. She shivered at the thought.

"Cold?" Olivia was solicitous. She pulled the afghan over Alex. Alex had always been a chilly creature, but she seemed particularly sensitive right now.

"M'okay," Alex mumbled. Despite her protestations to Olivia, she was actually exhausted, and the tiredness made her even colder than usual. She had been trying too hard to keep up with Lily, and she still had some way to go before she regained her health completely.

Olivia rubbed her hand up Alex's arm, trying to warm her up. "Time for bed," she said softly.

"No," Alex buried her face in Olivia's front. She didn't want to move. She just wanted to stay wrapped in Olivia's arms for ever.

"C'mon, baby," Olivia was tender and gentle. She slid out from underneath her, and lifted Alex, still wrapped in the afghan, in her strong arms. "Let's get you to bed. We'll snuggle there, huh?"

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"I wish I could do more to help," Sarah said to Jay. "But Olivia says she needs to do things in her own time. I told them we'd take Lily on Sunday, to give them some time to themselves, and Alex looked as though somebody had killed her pet dog."

"We just have to be there for them. Olivia promised she'd call. She says Alex is still very emotional. God, it must be awful. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose a baby. For both of them, not just Alex."

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Olivia held Alex's hand tight as they pushed Lily in the stroller in the park. Alex was clearly exhausted, and she leant heavily on her lover. But she refused to give in.

Olivia was starting to regret suggesting the outing. Alex was still sleeping very badly, and her appetite was negligible. She was barely eating enough to keep body and soul together. She did try at mealtimes, Olivia could see that. But twice in the last three days she had thrown up after dinner, when she had tried to force down a normal portion. Alex had not admitted that to Olivia, but the detective's hearing was acute.

Getting advice was difficult, since Alex was nearly always by her side. But Olivia had managed to make a couple of phone calls to their friend Rebecca, who was also a doctor. Rebecca advised Olivia not to worry too much about Alex's appetite. "She's still very traumatized," she had said. "Let her dictate the pace. After all, at least she's trying to eat. She'll settle down."

Rebecca agreed that counseling would be a good thing at this point, but again advised against pushing Alex too hard in any direction.

So Olivia tried to be understanding and loving and supportive. After the park, they went to the café, to meet up with Sarah and Jay for lunch. Alex stayed wrapped in her warm coat and scarf, despite the heat in the café, and clung tight to Olivia's hand. She ate almost half a sandwich, and did her best to join in the conversation.

"Mommy's sleeping," Lily said in a stage whisper to Olivia, making them all smile at her failed attempt to keep her voice down.

Olivia realized that Alex had, indeed, fallen to sleep on her shoulder.

"Look, why don't we take Lily to visit Pop and Vanessa?" Jay suggested. "Just for a few hours. We'll bring her back this evening. Maybe you could both get some sleep?" she could see the dark shadows under Olivia's eyes.

Olivia nodded. "I think that's a great idea."

"Won't Alex mind?" Sarah sounded a little nervous.

"She'll be fine about it," Olivia decided. "Would you mind hailing us a cab?"

Olivia had gently roused Alex and gotten her into the cab and home before she really realized what was happening. "Sleep, baby," she whispered, as she climbed into the bed with her.

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**Following Thursday evening**

Olivia smiled as she watched Alex reading a story to a sleepy Lily. This was the first day that she had felt Alex was really making some progress emotionally. Her appetite was marginally improved, and though she still slept badly, Olivia persuaded herself that she was getting a little more rest than before.

"That's my cell," Olivia groaned as she heard a familiar sound coming from the living room.

"I think I'm going to ask for another week's vacation," Olivia kept her voice low. "I know, Elliot, I know. But she comes first now. She's still real fragile. She needs me. I can't do much for her, but I can at least be here for her. She hates being on her own. I'll call Cragen tomorrow, clear it with him. Quite honestly, if they need me to resign, then that's what I'll do. My family is my priority now. Thanks, Elliot, I will. We both will. It'll be okay. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Send our love to Kathy and the kids."

Alex's heart dropped. Unbeknownst to Olivia, she was standing by the door for the majority of her conversation. Suddenly, she hated herself. Not only had she let Olivia down by failing to provide her with a second child, but now she was screwing up her career, just because she was too pathetic to be left alone. What had happened to the hard-assed ADA, who made grown men quake? She was a screw-up. And now she was dragging Olivia down. Wonderful, loving Olivia. Olivia was staying at home with her out of pity, because she needed to be taken care of. Like a child. Alex felt faint. She went quietly back into Lily's room, unnoticed by Olivia. She sat in the leather armchair by Lily's bed, and tried to breathe deeply. She had to fix this. She was not going to make Olivia's life a misery. She had not fallen that low.


	12. Chapter 12

"Everything okay?" Olivia looked up from the couch as Alex re-entered the living room.

"Everything's great," Alex tried to sound upbeat. She was going to show Olivia that she could cope on her own. "Lily's sleeping like a baby. What are you reading?"

"Time Traveler's Wife," Olivia showed her the front cover. "It's actually really good. Did you read it yet?"

Alex shook her head. "I'll read it after you," she said, as she reached for the paper. "I'm just gonna do the crossword tonight, I think."

Olivia looked surprised when Alex settled herself in an armchair, rather than joining her on the couch. "You wanna sit here?" she offered.

"I'm fine here," Alex lied. "This light's good for the crossword."

After about an hour, Alex yawned and put down the paper. "I think I'll turn in," she smiled at Olivia.

"I'll come with you," Olivia was on her feet already.

"No, Liv, you don't have to do that. Read some more, you look like you're really into it. Come when you're ready."

Olivia looked doubtful. "If you're sure?"

"Of course. I'm fine. And I know where you are if I get lonesome," Alex tried to force a smile. She put her hand on Olivia's waist, and kissed her softly. The feel of her lips was almost too much for her. Alex desperately wanted to disappear into Olivia's warm embrace, to be held tight by her. Only Olivia could banish her demons. But she was determined to remain strong. She had to. She couldn't keep leaning on the detective, it wasn't fair. "I'll see you in there," she smiled, as she headed toward the bedroom.

Olivia blinked. She wasn't sure what had just happened. Only an hour ago, Alex had been in her arms, clinging to her like she was some sort of lifeline. And now she was … almost distant. Olivia didn't know what was going on, but she knew one thing; she didn't like it.

Olivia forced herself to stay in the living room for a further forty minutes. When she let herself into the bedroom, the light was off. She could see Alex curled up in the bed, on the far side, further away from Olivia's side than she ever slept. Something was definitely going on.

She washed up, donned a loose singlet and boxer shorts, and slid under the covers. Alex appeared to be sleeping soundly. Olivia placed a soft hand on her back, but there was no reaction. She wanted to pull her into her arms, to hold her close, but Alex had clearly made a conscious decision. Olivia decided to respect her wishes.

Unbeknownst to Olivia, Alex was still fully awake. She kept her eyes shut, and she forced her breathing to remain slow and even. She could feel Olivia so close to her, but she resisted the urge to crawl into her arms. She felt a soft hand on her back, and one tear slid slowly down her cheek. She didn't know how she would last the night, but she would. Somehow, she would.

Alex barely slept, so determined was she to keep up her pretense. When Olivia awoke the next morning, she was startled to see the dark rings under Alex's eyes. Olivia started to realize what was happening. Alex was trying to appear strong. Olivia so wanted to talk to her about it, but when she asked her gently if she was okay, Alex had shrugged off her concerns. "I'm fine," was all she would say.

The sound of Lily's morning call was a relief to them both. "I'll go," Alex insisted. She scooped their daughter up, and held her tight. When Olivia looked in the room a few minutes later, she saw Alex sitting in the large leather armchair, her eyes shut as she held their child. Alex was whispering lovingly to her. Olivia suddenly felt like an intruder and, before Alex saw her, tactfully withdrew.

Five minutes later, Alex emerged from Lily's room, holding their toddler's hand. "Mama!" Lily grinned at Olivia.

"Somebody wants to see you," Alex tried to sound jovial.

"I want to see you too, peanut," Olivia lifted Lily and planted a big kiss on her cheek. "What do you want to do today, huh? Does Mommy have any ideas?" she smiled at Alex.

Alex swallowed. "I thought maybe we could ask Amy and Robyn over for an early dinner. We've been meaning to call them for weeks. What do you think, Liv?"

Olivia was immediately worried. She could see that Alex was trying to resume a 'normal' life, but she wasn't sure she was ready for it. "If you'd like that, Alexandra," she said. "We can call them, see if they're free."

Alex smiled. "Let's ask Sarah and Jay, too. Then Robyn might feel more at home, as she and Jay are in the same profession. We can cook something simple, pasta maybe."

Olivia tried to hide her doubts. "Sure, why not?" She supposed it couldn't do any harm. And Alex had isolated herself so much recently, it could only be a good thing that she wanted to reach out and see people.

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"Of course we'll come," Jay told Olivia on the phone. "We'd love to. Are you sure Alex is ready for this, though? She still seemed a little … off … not herself when we saw you on Tuesday."

"Honestly, I don't know. But she wants to do this. It's her idea. I think it'll make her feel better. I hope it will, anyway."

"We'll make sure we leave early," Jay promised. "I'll say I have an early shift. We'll be gone by 9.30pm, so you can get an early night. Do you need us to bring anything?"

"Just yourselves," Olivia said, gratefully.

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Alex took a deep breath when she heard the doorbell ring. She knew that Amy and Robyn would know about the miscarriage, as they had had to cancel plans with them two days after it happened. But she prayed nobody would talk about it tonight. Her plan was to focus on Lily as much as possible, which wouldn't be hard. Amy had loved being with Lily, and the toddler had felt the same way.

She smiled at Lily and took her by the hand, walking to the door. "Shall we let our visitors in, chipmunk?" she forced a smile on her face.

Olivia watched Alex with a mixture of pride and concern.

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"We must go," Jay pretended to yawn widely. "I'm sorry, I'm on the 5am shift tomorrow. This was great," she smiled.

Olivia nodded, and smiled back. Alex had been on rare form all night; she was urbane, witty, displaying the same caustic humor that had attracted Olivia in the first place. Olivia knew that she was making a great effort; she had not failed to notice that Alex had drunk very little, and eaten even less. But she had been an excellent hostess, and had kept them all amused with wry anecdotes and witty remarks. Only Olivia could really tell how exhausted Alex now was, and she was grateful when the shy, sweet Robyn stood up when Jay did.

"We must go too," Robyn said, in her soft voice. "It's been a wonderful evening. I've really enjoyed meeting you all. And your daughter," she smiled at Alex, "she's just an angel."

Alex smiled proudly. "She really took to you," she told the blonde firefighter honestly. "And now you've promised her a trip to your fire station, she thinks you really are something special."

"That's because she _is_ something special," Amy linked her arm through her girlfriend's, looking up at her adoringly.

Robyn blushed. "C'mon, let's leave these good people in peace. Thank you again, it really has been lovely."

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As Olivia closed the door, having seen their visitors out, Alex was nowhere to be seen.

Alex closed the door to the bathroom, the effort of keeping up appearances suddenly too much for her. She looked into the mirror above the basin, and saw her own face; drawn, haggard, too white. She felt sick and shaky. She placed one hand either side of the basin, and took several deep, cleansing breaths.

"Lex?" Olivia tapped on the door. "Are you alright in there?"

Alex took a sharp breath. She had to convince Olivia she was alright; that was what the whole evening had been for, after all. She swallowed. "I'm fine, Liv," she said, pleased that her voice didn't shake. "I'll be right out."

After a few minutes, Alex emerged from the bathroom, offering a small smile, and pretending not to notice Olivia's concerned expression.

Olivia held out her arms, and before she realized what she was doing, Alex had stepped into them. Feeling Olivia's warm, strong, loving embrace was almost too much for her.

"You were great tonight," Olivia whispered into Alex's hair.

Alex allowed herself to remain in the embrace for a few more precious seconds, and then reluctantly pulled back. "We should clean up," she muttered.

"You look tired," in truth, she looked utterly shattered, but Olivia didn't want to say anything that could upset Alex, who was clearly still very fragile, despite her efforts to pretend otherwise. "You go to sleep, baby. I'll be in soon, it won't take me long." Her voice was firm, and Alex knew it was futile to argue.

Half an hour later, Olivia slid under the covers. Again, Alex had migrated to the far side of the bed, so Olivia decided not to challenge her on it.

Alex found herself overtaken by her own exhaustion, and she fell into a restless slumber. Her mind was still working overtime, though, and she kept jerking awake in a panic, before realizing where she was. The fourth time she awoke startled, she felt herself being gathered in Olivia's arms. She was almost instantly asleep again, so she didn't fight Olivia's loving touch. In her sleep, she snuggled further into Olivia's front, her hand cupping a full, warm breast.

Olivia was the first to awaken the next morning. She watched Alex as she slept on restlessly, occasionally mumbling something, or whimpering in distress. Olivia could guess at the tortured thoughts rolling through her fiancée's mind. When it looked like Alex was about to wake fully, Olivia closed her eyes and feigned sleep. She knew that Alex wanted … needed … to appear more 'together' than she really was, and Olivia would do all she could to help her feel more comfortable.

Alex came awake, relishing the feel of Olivia's loving arms. She hoped desperately that Olivia hadn't realized she had slept in her embrace. She didn't want Olivia to feel responsible for her, and that she had to take care of her. She slid carefully out from her arms, and moved to the other side of the bed.

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"What are you doing?" Olivia's heart fell when she realized what Alex was up to.

"I'm ironing," Alex said.

"My work clothes?"

"It's time," Alex said, simply. "You can't stay here for ever, Liv. You should call Elliot," she was proud that she kept her voice steady. "Tell him you'll be back tomorrow. We'll be okay here."

Olivia tried to stop tears forming in her eyes. "I don't want to go back yet. I want to be here. With you. I want to take care of you, Alex," unwittingly, she said the one thing that Alex was dreading. She put a hand on Alex's arm, startled when Alex flinched and pulled back.

"I don't need taking care of," Alex's voice held a hint of steel. "I'm okay now. They need you."

"_You_ need me," Olivia said, simply.

"You think I'm some helpless child?" Alex became bitchy, as she sometimes did when she was terrified. "You think I need you to hold my hand?"

"I _want_ to hold your hand. I want to make this better," Olivia fought to remain calm.

"Make it _better_?" Alex was barely able to contain her fury. "And just how do you plan to do that? Our baby is _dead_, Olivia. Our baby died inside me. Nothing can make that better. Unless you can perform miracles too, now. Saint Olivia. It has a nice ring to it," she spat.

Olivia paled.

Alex's heart almost split in two when she saw the effect her words had on Olivia. She wanted to fling her arms round her, apologize for her words, beg her forgiveness. But something perverse in her wouldn't let her.

"I'm going to get some air," Olivia said eventually. Showing a calm she didn't feel, she picked up her jacket and her keys.

"Don't think you're welcome in our bed tonight," Alex spat. "I want you to sleep in the guest room."

Olivia nodded. She let herself quietly out of the apartment.

Alex slid to the floor, as her legs gave way under her. She hated what she had done. She hated the situation. More than that, she hated herself more than she ever knew was possible.

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Caryn looked up, nodding her thanks to the woman who had bought her a drink. She raised her glass in salute.

"The bartender says you don't do relationships," the woman said, as she slid onto the stool next to her. "Is that right?"

Caryn nodded. "That sounds about right."

"What _do_ you do?"

"Anything you want me to. Within reason," Caryn replied seductively.

The tall brunette stood. She put her hand out to her. "Dance with me."

Caryn shook her head. "I don't dance."

"Aw, c'mon blondie. Dancing is … within reason," the taller woman teased. "What's wrong, are you scared I'll show you up?"

Caryn smiled. She liked to be challenged. She took her hand. "Okay," she smiled.

"You won't regret it," the brunette said. She pulled Caryn close. "You have a beautiful body," she whispered, as she put her arm around her. "My name's Rachel. I'm going to give you an evening you'll never forget."

"Caryn," Caryn replied, almost whimpering with pleasure as she felt Rachel's strong, soft body against hers. "Come on, then, show me how it's done."

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Olivia walked for hours. She hated leaving Alex on her own, but she reasoned that that might be the best thing for her right now.

She knew Alex hadn't meant any of the things she said. In truth, she wasn't even hurt by her words. What did hurt her was Alex's attempts to push her away. She knew Alex too well to think that Alex wanted to be apart from her. She highly doubted that Alex wanted her to go back to work. For some reason, Alex had gotten it into her head that Olivia needed time away from her. The opposite was true – Olivia wanted, needed, to be with Alex. She longed to help her. The miscarriage had devastated her fiancée, emotionally even more than physically. She was going to talk to Huang, she decided. Alex told her to go back to work, so she would. But she would ask George for advice. She loved Alex so very much, and just wanted to help her get back to her real self.

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Caryn danced with Rachel for nearly two hours. She found the brunette intoxicating; she was sexy beyond measure, and she had a quick-fire wit that Caryn found unbearably arousing. She just wanted her to take her home and fuck her until she screamed for mercy. But Rachel would not be hurried. She whispered seductively in her ear, and kissed her softly; behind her ear, down her neck; nibbling at her collar bone. When Rachel finally slid one hand under Caryn's shirt and palmed her full breast, Caryn's self-control evaporated.

"Please tell me you live near," Caryn choked out.

"No such luck, blondie," Rachel teased. "I'm from out of town. I'm only here for the week. My home is my van."

"You're sleeping in a _van_?" Caryn was momentarily shocked out of her erotic daydreams.

"You wanna check out my mattress?" Rachel teased, her fingers closing around her breast.

"That's not going to happen," Caryn regained some of her control.

"So we're going to your place then, huh?"

Caryn briefly panicked. She didn't take her conquests home. The only one who had slipped past her guard since … her … had been Cabot. And that's because Cabot was too classy for a hotel. "I …," she tried to think up an excuse.

Rachel looked at her, her eyebrow raised quizzically. "You _really_ don't do relationships," she gave a low whistle.

"I'll get us a nice room. The Crowne Plaza has some great views. I'll even throw in breakfast," Caryn suggested.

"Will you be there at breakfast?" Rachel asked, astutely.

"That all depends on you," Caryn. "Will I want to be?"

Rachel kissed her deeply. "Oh you'll want to," she said. "I can guarantee it."

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The lights were out when Olivia let herself back in. She knew Alex would not be sleeping, but she wanted to respect her wishes. She washed up, and made her way sadly to the guest room. On the bed, Alex had laid out her favorite flannel pajamas, and when she slid under the covers, she found a warm hot water bottle. She clutched it in her arms, allowing the tears to fall. They would get through this. She would go to work tomorrow, and then she would talk to Alex in the evening. She loved her, more than air. And she knew Alex felt the same way about her.

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Caryn bucked desperately against Rachel, her body slick with sweat, her breath coming in short gasps. "Harder," she pleaded, "I want to really feel you … I need you to … oh God. More … that's it," she grasped her wrist and tried to pull the woman above her deeper in to her. "One more finger, please … ," she cried out as she felt a third finger push against her opening, gasps of pain and pleasure escaping her as the rhythm increased. She released her wrist, and slid her hand round Rachel's neck, pulling her mouth to her straining breast. She arched upwards, pushing her nipple further into her mouth. "Bite me," she pleaded. "I'm going to … oh sweet Jesus … this is … you too," she worked her own fingers in Rachel's center, thrusting her thigh up to increase the friction. "Please," her rock hard nipple grazed against Rachel's teeth. "Together … we should … together … I'm so close. Oh God, you're just exquisite. I need you to hurt me. More. Harder. That's it … oh … come for me … I'm … I'm … ," she screamed her climax, thrusting upward with all her strength as she felt Rachel's body convulse against her own. Rachel drew her out for long moments, grinning as she fell apart in her arms.

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Alex lay awake all night, her heart breaking at what she had done. She heard Olivia stir at 6am, and she slid out of bed. She saw Olivia standing, fully dressed for work, in the kitchen. She looked so tense and sad that Alex's heart broke.

"I'm so sorry," Alex whispered from the doorway. "I'm so very sorry, Liv."

Olivia's head jerked up. "Lex? Oh Alexandra," in two steps, she had reached her shaking lover. She took her in her arms, and held her tight.

"I didn't mean any of it," Alex said.

"I know, baby. I know. It's okay. You look awful, Alex."

"I'm fine," Alex tried to straighten her shoulders. "I'm just so sorry about what I've done to you."

"I'm okay, Lex. I am. You're allowed to get a little antsy. You've been through so much."

"So have you," Alex whispered.

"We'll get through this. Do you really want me to go to work?"

Alex nodded. "You should go. Please. For me."

"Okay, honey. I won't be late."

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Caryn woke at 7am. She looked up to see Rachel watching her. She couldn't decipher the expression on her face. "Good morning," she smiled.

Rachel gave her a small smile back. She took a deep breath. With one long, elegant finger, she stroked Caryn's arm. Caryn shivered at the sensation.

"I don't know who hurt you," Rachel started hesitantly. "And I'm sorry. But you have to know, it doesn't have to be like that. Not every time. And I think that's all you allow yourself now."

Caryn's eyes filled with unwanted tears. "She didn't hurt me," she blurted out, defensively. "It was me. I hurt her. I fucked it up."

"And now you think you only deserve to be fucked? Hard? Is that it?"

Caryn just stared.

"I'm sorry. It's not my place. I know that. I'm just … filling in here. I can see that. But I want you to do one thing for me, will you do that?"

"What?" Caryn whispered.

"Let me remind you how it can be. It can be soft. Loving. Gentle. There's a place for a good, hard fuck, I know that. And believe me, I like it as much as the next woman. Last night was amazing. But, beautiful blondie, I think right now you need a little tenderness. Will you let me do that for you?" she fingered her breast softly, looking sadly at the small bruise that she had inflicted the evening before.

Caryn nodded.

Rachel noticed the small hint of fear in her eyes. She smiled. "You don't have to worry," she whispered. "I'm real good at this. I have a _very_ talented tongue," she kissed her softly. "Just leave this to me."

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Caryn took Rachel's hand as they walked to her van after lunch.

"Will you be in trouble for goofing off?" Rachel asked.

"Me? I haven't been goofing off. I have been recovering from a migraine," Caryn grinned. "Or at least that's what I told them."

Rachel smiled.

"I had a really great time," Caryn said, meaning every word.

Rachel took her face in both hands. "You need to get this sorted," she said, gently. "Either do something to get her back, or get some closure and then move on. You're too good to be wasting your time in bars like that." She kissed her, softly, tenderly, passionately. "You should be kind to yourself. You deserve better."

Caryn just stared as Rachel let herself into her van. She held up one hand in farewell as she drove away.


	13. Chapter 13

**[So sorry for the delay. Happy holidays, everyone!]**

"So?" Elliot's voice was unexpectedly gentle.

"So?" Olivia countered. She knew Elliot was trying to be kind, but right now she didn't want to talk about … stuff … with him. Until she could resolve how she was feeling to herself, she couldn't bring herself to talk to anyone else.

"So how are you Liv?" Elliot pushed.

"I'm fine," Olivia shrugged.

"And Alex?"

Olivia opened her mouth to snap back at him, and then she saw his face. His caring, kind face. He wanted the best for her, for Alex. For their family. He was only trying to help. She felt suddenly … undone.

"She's trying her best," she whispered.

"Trying?"

"Trying to get better. Trying to back to her old self. Trying not to be a _burden_," Olivia spat the word. "As if Alex could ever be a burden. I wish she'd understand that El," she looked at him, her eyes filling. "I would do anything to make this better. I wish she knew that I don't expect anything from her. I just … love her."

Elliot placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I know Liv. So does she. These things … they take time."

Olivia nodded, swiping angrily at her eyes.

Cragen emerged from his office. "Liv, Elliot, you're needed downtown. It's Susan Highbury, Liv. She's barricaded herself on the roof, says she'll only talk to you," he spoke to Olivia. "The boyfriend thinks she has the child with her. He says she's distraught, could do anything."

Olivia nodded. "Let's go," she was already shrugging on her coat.

Elliot looked at his watch; 4.24pm. He took out the car keys and followed Olivia.

Elliot glanced over at Olivia as he drove; she was texting, and he just knew to whom.

_I'm so sorry, Alexandra. Emergency hostage situation, she'll only talk to me. I'll get home as soon as I can. I love you. O. x_

**Just stay safe. We love you too. A. x**

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Caryn sat at her computer, and took a deep, cleansing breath. She started to type.

_This is the third time I've sat down to write to you. I can't stop thinking that this is such a selfish thing to do. But I can't get you out of my mind, and I need to move on, as I assume, and hope, you already have._

_Most of all, I need to apologize to you. The way I left, it was awful. I told you I didn't love you. I told you you'd be better off without me. That much is true, I'm sure you will have found someone to be happy with now, someone who deserves you. But I did love you. I think I probably always will._

_The truth is, I was scared. Until I met you, I was happy playing the field. I never wanted to settle down, do the whole 'breeder thing'. And I found myself wanting all that with you. Marriage, kids, the lot. And it scared the hell out of me. So I left. Real adult, huh?_

_I thought I'd be able to forget you, move on, screw a different girl each week. I've tried that, and it just doesn't work. So now, I'm having to face up to the fact that I'm no different from everyone else. I always thought, arrogantly, that I was too special, too interesting, to be happy with an 'ordinary' life like that. How wrong could I be?_

_I've got some friends, who are together, and who have the sweetest kid. I watch them, and realize that their life is not 'ordinary'. No, it's extraordinary. They have found true love, they're like two halves of the same coin. They're so different to each other, and I've never seen two people who are more in love. They're also absolute proof that two women can co-parent. Their daughter is just adorable. I wish you could meet her._

_So this is an apology to you, for putting you through so much. I made you feel unloved, unwanted, and used. I'm not asking for forgiveness, that wouldn't be fair. I just want you to know how truly sorry I am. I hope your life is full, and happy. You deserve so much._

_My love, for ever._

_Caryn_

Caryn hadn't realized she was crying. She clicked the 'to' button on her email, and scrolled down to select the address. She hoped she had kept the same email. She selected 'Abbie Carmichael', and pressed 'send' before she could change her mind.

She knew she had to move on. This was just the first step.

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7pm

Alex was exhausted as she knelt next to the bathtub, her hands covered in bubbles as she soaped down their daughter. Lily had been with her all day, and she had forgotten how tiring it was to look after a young child on her own. Olivia must have been doing more than she had realized. Alex stifled a yawn, as she smiled at Lily.

Once she was bathed, Alex lifted Lily out of the tub, wrapping her in a warm towel. She dried her off and dressed her in her pajamas. "Let's sit on the couch and have some stories, shall we peanut?" Alex suggested. She hoped Olivia would be back home soon, and she could already imagine the smile that would cross Lily's face as she saw her other mother come through the door.

Lily nodded. She put her arms around Alex's neck and hugged tight. "You sad, Mommy?" she asked.

Alex inhaled sharply, startled by their child's perspicacity. "I'm not sad, baby," she said softly, as she held the little warm body to her. "I'm just still a little tired."

"Because you were sick?"

"Because I was sick," Alex agreed. "But I'm getting better, Lily. And every minute I spend with you makes me feel better. You know how much Mama and I love you, don't you?"

Lily pulled back and smiled. She held her arms out as far as she could stretch. "_This_ much!" she grinned.

"That much, and more," Alex kissed the top of her head. "C'mon, let's find a book."

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It was 9.30pm by the time Olivia returned. She let herself into the apartment, and was greeted with the sight of Lily and Alex, both sound asleep on the couch. Lily was snuggled into Alex.

Alex looked shattered. She was as white as milk, and too thin.

Very carefully, Olivia lifted Lily from Alex's arms, pulling the afghan over Alex as she did so. She took Lily to her room and settled her in her own bed. The child was sleeping so soundly that she didn't even stir.

When Olivia returned to the living room, Alex was half sitting, blinking and trying to focus. She looked up and saw Olivia. "Hey," she said.

"Hey to you," Olivia sat by her, and kissed her softly. "Long day, huh?"

Alex nodded. _ I missed you. I need you. Hold me. Never let me go._ She wanted to say all those things, but was still determined to show Olivia that she was better. Even if she wasn't. If she could kid Olivia, maybe she could kid herself. She forced herself to smile. "Lily and I went to the park, and then the aquarium."

"I don't want you doing too much," Olivia said gently.

"I was fine," Alex sounded snappish. "We had a great day."

Olivia nodded. "I'm sure you did. I missed you today, Lex."

Alex half-smiled. "Lily got scared by a barracuda," she said.

Olivia laughed. "Did you eat?" she tried to keep her voice light, knowing that Alex was a little skittish, and not wanting her to think she was checking up on her.

"I'm not hungry," Alex said, sounding a little cranky. "I'll have a big breakfast," she compromised.

"Okay, sweetie," Olivia said mildly, yawning as she spoke.

"What about you?" Alex was suddenly concerned. "What happened with the hostage-taker?"

"I ate at the scene," Olivia said. "We talked her down. Everyone's fine."

"What happened?"

"Abused mother … unfaithful husband … druggie boyfriend … two-year old child, usual stuff. Everyone's okay. We just have to hope she gets all the help she needs."

Alex nodded. She touched Olivia's hand. "You look tired," she said.

"I am. Shall we just go to bed?"

"'kay," Alex stood.

"You wash up first, I'll be right in," Olivia promised. Alex went into their bedroom, heading for the en-suite, as Olivia checked her mail and then her emails. Nothing demanded her urgent attention. Alex was already in bed. Olivia noticed sadly that, yet again, Alex had settled herself firmly as far away from Olivia's side of the bed as possible.

Olivia washed up, and slid in next to Alex, hoping that she would turn and snuggle in to her, but she stayed where she was. Olivia reached out, placing a soft hand on Alex's back. Alex stiffened almost imperceptibly, but she didn't shrug Olivia's hand off, so Olivia kept it there.

Alex felt Olivia's touch, and it took all her willpower not to fling herself into Olivia's arms. She was determined to show her that she was fine, everything was going to be fine. She didn't have to take care of her all the time. Alex knew that Olivia's job demanded a great deal of her time and energy – emotional as well as physical – and she would _not_ add to her burden.

Despite herself, Olivia was soon asleep, her day catching up with her. Alex felt her hand go limp on her back, but was pleased that the contact was maintained.

Carefully, so as not to wake Olivia, Alex turned so that she was facing her lover. Olivia looked tired and careworn; even in her sleep, her anxiety showed. Alex lifted her limp hand and held it between her own. She knew it was cheating, to wait until Olivia was asleep, but she just wanted to feel her. Olivia's hand was warm and soft. Just like Olivia.

Alex tried so hard to sleep, but just as she started to drift off, she would jerk awake. She was pissed with herself. She knew she needed to sleep, to recharge her depleted energies. She was so tired, unbelievably tired, but yet her mind kept racing. She had to sleep, she knew, if she was going to have any chance of keeping up with Lily the following day. Christ, even Lily knew that she was sad. She would try doubly hard to present a cheerful front, she decided. She didn't want Lily to be affected by all that had happened.

Finally, just before 4am, Alex fell into a troubled sleep. At 4.38am, Olivia awoke to the sound of pained whimpers coming from her lover.

"Alex? Lex? It's just a nightmare," Olivia placed a soft hand on her quaking back, startled as Alex flinched violently in her sleep, backing away from her, curling into a ball and pressing her body against the headboard.

"No," Alex gasped. "Oh please God, no," she was shaking badly.

"Alexandra," Olivia spoke more loudly. "You're okay, honey. You're here with me. We're all safe. Everyone's okay. You need to wake up, baby. Shh, sweetheart," she gentled her spine. "Just come back to me, Alex. That's it, honey, that's good," Alex started to come to slowly.

Alex opened her eyes, still half-gripped by her nightmare. She flung herself into Olivia's arms.

Olivia's heart broke at the distress she could see, though part of her was grateful that at least Alex turned to her rather than rejecting her as she had done only too often recently. She held Alex tight, whispering soothingly to her. She felt Alex's hand grasp her breast, and she unbuttoned her nightshirt, to give her better access.

Alex buried her face in Olivia's front, her whole body shaking. Still half-asleep, her mouth searched for, and located, a soft breast. Olivia cradled her as she sobbed miserably, her lips closing around the nipple.

Eventually, Alex's breathing evened out, and Olivia realized that she had fallen to sleep. She held her lovingly, until 6.30am, when she reluctantly had to get up for work. She lay Alex down gently on the bed, pushing a warm pillow into her arms, smiling as Alex turned into the pillow, hugging it tightly.

Olivia gave Lily her breakfast, and got her washed and dressed. She then made a decision that she knew Alex would not be happy with.

Knocking at Rosie and Melinda's door, Olivia felt a twinge of guilt, but she knew that Alex needed to sleep. A whole day with Lily was just too much for her. "Hey," Olivia smiled as Rosie opened the door. "Thank you so much for this."

"Any time, you know that," Rosie smiled. "Do you have time for coffee?"

Olivia looked at her watch.

"It's all ready," Rosie persuaded her.

"I must be quick," Olivia said, as she went in gratefully. Lily toddled off in search of her friend Katie, Rosie and Melinda's youngest daughter.

Rosie saw the lines of tension on Olivia's face. Alex had been the one to suffer the devastating ectopic pregnancy, but Olivia was suffering too. "Talk to me," Rosie said kindly.

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10.13am

Olivia's cellphone buzzed; she looked at the screen. She steeled herself to stay calm. "Hey, Alex," she said softly.

"What the hell have you done?" Alex was livid. "I find a note in the kitchen, telling me my daughter is with the neighbors. What did you think, Liv? That I wasn't taking care of her properly?"

"No, baby, that's not what I thought. Of course it's not. I just wanted to be sure you are taking care of _yourself_ too. After the nightmare last night..."

"What nightmare? I have no clue what you're talking about," Alex's tone was clipped and laced with white-hot anger. "I can't believe what you did, Olivia."

"Alex, please try to understand."

"You don't trust me," Alex interrupted. "You don't trust me with our child."

"Lex, there's no-one I trust more in this world. But you're still sick, baby. Lily is too much for you, all day, every day, right now. You need help."

"I do _not_ need help," Alex snapped. "I'm fine, if only you would believe it. How am I supposed to get back on track, with you babying me all the time?"

"Alexandra, I only ..."

"Save it Liv. I've heard it all too many times."

"Alex, listen ..." Olivia pleaded.

"Don't even. Look, you're at work. I'll see you later," Alex slammed the phone down.

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6.15pm

With a heavy heart, Olivia slid her key in the lock. She braced herself for a tongue-lashing. Instead of a furious Alex, though, she heard the giggle of their daughter. She followed the noise to the kitchen.

Alex was sitting at the table, smiling as Lily tucked into a bowl of pasta.

"Mama!" Lily cried at the sight of her mother.

"Hey, munchkin," Olivia kissed her on the top of her head. She looked at Alex, but the blonde attorney would not meet her gaze.

"Me and Katie did feed the ducks," Lily told Olivia.

"You like the ducks, huh?" Olivia smiled.

Lily nodded. "Mommy came too," she said.

Olivia glanced at Alex, who was smiling at Lily.

"Are you nearly ready for your bath?" Olivia asked Lily.

Lily nodded.

"Shall I bath her, or do you want to?" Olivia asked Alex carefully.

"Both!" Lily grinned.

"Okay," Olivia looked doubtfully at Alex, but she remained calm.

"Mommy does big bubbles," Lily confided.

"Your Mommy is good at bubbles, isn't she?" Olivia smiled. "Okay, munchkin, let's see if we can get Mommy to blow a really big bubble, shall we?"

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Olivia sat nervously pretending to read as Alex put Lily to bed. It usually only took 15 minutes, with some stories, but when Alex was in her room for nearly an hour, Olivia could tell she was trying to avoid her.

Eventually, Alex emerged.

"Alex," Olivia began.

"I don't really want to talk Olivia, is that okay?" Alex spoke softly, without rancor.

Olivia nodded. "Whatever you want, baby. Just one thing, tell me what I should do tomorrow? Do you want to take Lily?" she dreaded her answer.

Alex exhaled. "Do whatever you think best," she said, resignedly. "You generally do anyway," she added under her breath, but Olivia heard her.

Olivia wanted to cry. She nodded. How had they come to this? Before, they had always been able to talk about everything. "I love you," she whispered.

"I'm kinda tired. I'm going to bed," Alex said. She saw Olivia prepare to stand up. "You stay here and read awhile."

Olivia blinked back tears.


	14. Chapter 14

"Close your eyes," Jay grinned as she entered the apartment, one hand behind her back.

"What?" Sarah demanded.

"Just do as I say," Jay's eyes were twinkling.

Sarah closed her eyes.

"Put out your hands."

Sarah complied. She felt a parcel being placed in them.

"You can open them now," Jay said. She watched with delight as Sarah smiled with anticipation.

"What is it?"

"Open it and find out," Jay's voice was almost smug.

Sarah opened the box, and pulled back the tissue paper. Inside, was a beautiful briefcase, made of the softest Italian leather she had ever touched. She looked up at Jay. "This is beautiful. Why? It's not my birthday or anything."

"I wanted to get you something nice," Jay shrugged shyly. "And you've been using that ratty old canvas bag. I saw this, and knew it was perfect for you."

"But it must have cost you a _fortune_. You shouldn't waste your money like this."

"I didn't waste money. I spent it on a gift for my beautiful girlfriend," Jay smiled. "Anyway, I'm celebrating," she tried to keep the pride out of her voice.

"You got it?!" Sarah's face lit up. "I thought you weren't going to hear until next week!"

Jay nodded, smiling widely. "You are looking at Officer 2nd Class Kazinsky," she said.

Sarah flung herself into her arms, and hugged her tightly. "My clever girl," she said, over and over again.

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Olivia tried to keep quiet as she left the apartment the next morning, pushing Lily in her stroller to deliver her to Rosie and Melinda's home. She felt incredibly guilty, as though she were sneaking their daughter out of the apartment, even though Alex had – albeit half-heartedly – agreed.

Olivia knew that Alex had not slept well. She had remained almost too still, as though she were forcing herself not to move around to alert Olivia to her wakefulness. Olivia guessed that she had finally fallen to sleep around 5am, as her body at last relaxed, and her breathing seemed more natural.

"You look like hell, Liv," Elliot said as she arrived at the 1-6.

"I didn't sleep too well," Olivia admitted.

"Alex?"

"Same," Olivia said shortly. She didn't have anything more to say on the subject, so Elliot let it drop.

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At 3pm, Olivia received a text from Alex.

_Is it okay if I pick Lily up?_

Olivia felt awful. She immediately replied.

**Of course it's okay sweetie. You don't have to ask my permission.**

_I just wanted to be sure._

Olivia put her head in her hands. Was this what they had come to? Sending polite texts to each other? She knew Alex was pissed with her for taking Lily to Rosie, but she wasn't doing it because she didn't trust Alex, or, God forbid, because she wanted to punish her. Alex was a wonderful mother. She was selfless, loving, fun, and she loved Lily as if she had given birth to her herself. Olivia was just trying to give Alex a chance to recover. That first day had wiped Alex out completely; when Olivia had gotten home, Alex had been shattered. She still had to recover completely from the physical trauma, and it was clear that the emotional trauma was taking an increasingly heavy toll.

Fin was walking past Olivia's desk, and he saw the defeated slump of her shoulders. "Liv?" he asked quietly.

Olivia looked up.

"Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded. "I'm worried about Alex," she admitted.

"Talk to her," Fin advised, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

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Olivia made sure to leave work on time, and it wasn't long after 6pm that she got home. She heard Lily and Alex in the kitchen, and she stood at the door for a few seconds, watching the scene in front of her.

Alex was pale, and still far too thin. But she was smiling lovingly at Lily as she ate her dinner.

"Hey," Olivia called quietly, her heart filling at the look of pleasure on Alex's face. The look was fleeting, however, as it seemed that Alex schooled her expression to one of … politeness? … almost immediately. Olivia felt a lump in her throat, and it was only Lily's squawk of delight that distracted her enough so that she didn't show her sadness.

"We're about to have a bath, aren't we Lily?" Alex said, her tone friendly, though still a little reserved.

"You need some help?"

"No," Alex responded almost too fast. She softened her words with a smile. "We're all organized. Your dinner's on the stove."

"What about yours?" Olivia asked.

"I ate with Lily," Alex replied, though there was no evidence of her plate.

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It was an hour later that Alex returned to the living room. Olivia looked up from her book, and smiled at her.

"How was your day?" Alex asked.

"It was good," Olivia couldn't bear this polite exchange. _I love you. I'm worried about you. I want to hold you. Tell me how you're feeling. Shout at me. Cry. Whatever. Just be __**you**__ again. _ She wanted to say all those things, but she couldn't bring herself to. "How was yours?"

Alex nodded. "Good. I caught up on some reading this morning, then got some groceries. I took a long walk. And I've been with Lily since then."

Olivia took a deep breath. "And how are you feeling, baby?" her voice was tender.

"I'm fine." Alex's reply was short, and Olivia couldn't fail to notice her stiffening at her words.

Olivia nodded. "Good," she said quietly. "Dinner was nice. Thank you."

"You wanna watch some tv?" Alex suggested.

"Okay." Olivia watched as Alex flicked through the channels, finally settling on re-runs of a comedy that they had both seen before, but which never failed to make them both laugh. Olivia kept her eyes on Alex, noticing that she didn't once crack a smile.

As soon as it was reasonable, Alex stood up and stretched. "I'm gonna hit the hay," she said.

Olivia slid in next to Alex, her heart in her mouth. She desperately wanted Alex to turn into her as she always had done in the past, so that she could hold her. Alex was pretending to be asleep again, so Olivia placed her hand on her back again. It was the only contact that Alex was allowing right now, and it broke Olivia's heart.

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Over the next two weeks, the same pattern continued for Olivia and Alex. Occasionally, one of them would make more of an effort with the conversation, and the other would respond with relief. But all too soon, silence would descend once more.

Alex was desperate to be held by Olivia, but she couldn't bring herself to admit it to her lover. She had it fixed in her mind that she needed to give the impression that she was handling everything just fine. She just knew that if she accepted Olivia's always-offered embrace, that she would fall apart in her arms. She was so terrified of crying in front of her. She just knew that if she started crying, she would never stop. And it wasn't fair on Olivia. Olivia had enough to deal with, without having to mollycoddle her pathetic girlfriend. She would be okay. She knew she would. And if she wasn't, and soon, then she would free Olivia to find someone who deserved her. Olivia was so perfect; she was so together, so compassionate, so beautiful. She deserved someone who could bring as much to the relationship as she did.

Olivia lay awake, her mind racing. She wanted to talk to Huang, but he was on vacation for the next two weeks, damn him. She had asked her friend Rebecca what to do, but "give her time" wasn't an answer. She wanted to shake Alex, to yell at her, to tell her that nobody expected her to be fine. It was a process. And she had to go through every stage if she was going to have any chance of healing. But she was refusing to allow herself that luxury. She remained in stasis, her self-control keeping her from seeking the help she so desperately needed – that Olivia so desperately wanted to give to her.

Alex continued to have vivid, frightening nightmares. At least three times a week, Olivia would find her gasping with terror, tears pouring down her cheeks, as her whole body shook. At least on those nights, Alex would allow Olivia to comfort her, at least until she realized what was happening. Whenever she awoke in Olivia's arms, she would carefully extricate herself and creep to the far side of the bed.

Olivia hated herself, but she found herself almost looking forward to Alex's nightmares. At least then, she was able to help her. The feel of Alex in her arms made her want to cry with gratitude, even when her lover was so clearly distressed. The feel of Alex's lips on her plump nipple, suckling in a desperate bid for a feeling of safety, made Olivia's heart swell. But Alex either didn't remember in the mornings, or was pretending she didn't. Every time Olivia thought she had made a breakthrough, the next morning they were back to square one.

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"Teflon!" Caryn's voice boomed down the phone.

"Hey, Caryn," Alex tried to make her voice sound strong. She grabbed her glasses from the nightstand. It was 11.43am. She hoped her voice didn't sound sleepy, she would hate to admit that she was still in bed.

"I haven't seen you for a while. HC swung by here last week, to pick up a warrant, but she was in a hurry. How are you?"

"I'm fine," Alex responded automatically.

Caryn hesitated. She hated making these sorts of calls, she always felt awkward, and that she said the wrong thing. "We miss you around here. Things aren't the same without you."

"I'm sorry. It's just …," Alex hesitated.

"Hey, I wasn't trying to put pressure on you. I know, Alex. I just wanted you to know I miss your beautiful face in the mornings. Is HC taking care of you?"

"She's doing _everything_ for me," Alex tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

"Well, remember, you should take as much time as you need. We have everything covered here. Even got a hot redhead filling in. I'll see you soon, I may drop in one evening on the way home."

"That'd be good," Alex tried to sound welcoming, though it was the last thing she wanted. "Caryn, I have an appointment, I've gotta go. Thanks for calling."

"Be kind to yourself, Teflon," Caryn said quietly as she hung up.

Alex crawled out of bed, and looked at herself in the bedroom mirror. She looked haggard, she knew that. There was no way anyone would ever take her seriously in a courtroom looking like that. She made a decision.

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Olivia arrived home at 5.50pm, and was startled to find the apartment empty. She checked her cellphone, but no missed calls or texts. She was just about to call Alex, when she heard a key in the lock.

Alex came through the door, pushing Lily in her stroller. Alex was formally dressed, causing Olivia to raise an eyebrow.

Lily smiled at Olivia. "Mama!" she cried, trying to escape from her seat.

"Wait there, peanut, I'll just let you out …," she smiled as she lifted her out out and hugged her tightly. "Did you have a good day?"

"Me and Katie played," Lily told her.

"They were drawing pictures just now," Alex said, trying to keep her voice cheerful. "And you drew one for your Mama, didn't you, Lily?" Alex pulled the picture out of her bag, showing it to Olivia.

"That's beautiful, Lily," Olivia told her. "I'm going to put that one in a frame on my desk at work."

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"So where did you go, all dressed up?" Olivia tried to sound casual, as she cleared the dinner plates.

Alex took a deep breath. She looked up at Olivia. "I went to see Liz."

"Donnelly?"

Alex nodded.

"Lex, I think it's a bit early to be thinking about going back to work," Olivia tried to sound as tactful as she could. "You're still …"

"I resigned," Alex interrupted bluntly.

Olivia stared. "You resigned?"

Alex nodded. "I don't want to go back."

Olivia sat in the chair next to her. She reached out and took Alex's hand, ignoring the slight flinch as she did so. "So you don't go back," she smiled. "You can do whatever you want, baby. I'm right behind you."

"I want another baby," Alex said, almost too quietly for Olivia to hear. "I want to try again," she spoke a little louder.

Olivia went white. "Alex," she hated that her voice shook. "Baby, we should talk about this."

Alex stared at her. "There's nothing to say. We both want another child. I'm not working. I want to try again."

"But you're …"

"I'm what?" Alex's tone became icy. "I'm too weak for this, is that what you're trying to say? That I won't be able to do it? Or maybe that I can't handle another child? Poor, pathetic Alex. She's only got one Fallopian tube, she'll never be a mother," she jerked her hand away.

"You _are_ a mother," Olivia whispered, a single tear falling unbidden down her face. "A wonderful mother."

"So wonderful that you have to keep our daughter away from me. What are you thinking? That I'm going to hurt her? Maybe I'm gonna start drinking, like your mother did. Maybe I'll neglect her. Burn her on the stove. Break her wrist by accident," Alex hated herself as she spat those hateful words. She saw Olivia flinch, and finger her own wrist, that her mother had broken in a drunken rant all those years ago.

Alex felt as though she were disconnected from her own body. It was as if she were looking down, watching this ranting, spiteful woman, screaming words of hate at her beloved girlfriend.

"Maybe you want to be the birth mother of all our children. Is that it? Only _you_ are good enough to give birth. A child of mine would inherit my weakness. Be pathetic, like I am. Well damn you, Olivia Benson. I'm going to have a baby, with or without you," she was screaming now.

Olivia was suddenly overtaken with a white-hot anger. "You are in no fit state to go through a pregnancy right now. Look at you, Alex. You're thin as a rail. You can barely eat a meal without puking afterwards. What, do you think I'm deaf? Or stupid? And God alone knows what's going on in your head. You have to recover first, before you can _consider_ conceiving. And have you thought about what would happen, if by some miracle, you did get pregnant? You nearly _died_ last time Alexandra. I sat by your bed as you lay there, delirious. I thought I was going to lose you. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

As soon as she said the words, Olivia realized what she had said. Of course Alex knew. Alex had sat by her bedside after the stabbing, never leaving her for one second as she struggled for life. Alex had watched her convulsing, convinced she was going to die. But she had never once made Olivia feel bad about it. It was only after talking to Melinda that Olivia had found out what Alex had been through when she was stabbed. And Alex had never blamed her; she never asked her to quit her job; never asked her to go for a promotion that would keep her off the streets. Alex knew what the job meant to Olivia, and she loved her enough to push her own fears to one side, so that Olivia could continue in the job she loved. Yes, Olivia was careful – even more so since she had gotten together with Alex, and had Lily – but there were no guarantees. That was why she never phoned Kathy, but always sent messages via Elliot, or asked him to pass the phone over once he had spoken to her. She remembered the look on Kathy's face when she had made the mistake of going to their house once to pass on a message. Kathy had assumed the worst. All cops' wives, husbands, partners, families, they all knew the fear that one day their loved one would be swallowed up by the job.

But Alex had never once complained. And now, here she was, asking Alex – no, _telling_ her – never to get pregnant again because she was scared of losing her. She couldn't believe how selfish she was being. She looked up. "Alex …" But it was too late. The door to the apartment was open. Alex's coat was gone, and her purse. She had gone.

"Mama?" Lily yelled from her room.

Olivia took a deep breath and went into Lily's room. Their beloved daughter was in floods of tears, hiccuping with misery. She lifted her out of her crib, and held her tight. "I'm so sorry, baby girl," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"You and Mommy were yelling," Lily sniffled.

"I know, honey. I said some real mean things to your Mommy. But I didn't mean any of them. I'm going to tell her how sorry I am."

"Where's Mommy?" Lily continued to weep.

"She went for a walk," Olivia prayed that that was the truth. "She'll be back soon. I'll tell her I'm sorry. It's all going to be okay, baby."

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Alex walked for hours, her mind racing. She felt sick and shaky, and hated herself. She hated Olivia more, though she couldn't rationalize why. It wasn't the words she had said, Alex knew that she was angry, and scared, and hadn't meant them.

As night fell, she went into a bar she had never been to before. "Vodka," she said to the bartender, though she didn't know why. Since getting together with Olivia, her favored liquor was single malt whisky. She downed the drink in one.

After more drinks than she cared to count – five? six? – Alex was feeling worse than she ever had. She couldn't bear that this was the end of her and Olivia. But she couldn't see any other way. And she was lonely. So lonely. The last few weeks had been unbearable. She had never felt so alone in her life.

Alex picked up her phone, and scrolled through the numbers in in. She dialed, half-hoping it wouldn't be answered. She heard a familiar voice.

"I need to feel," Alex was proud that she wasn't slurring. "I need you to touch me. To make me come. To fuck me until I scream for mercy. Will you do that?"

"Get a cab," Caryn replied. "You know where I live."


	15. Chapter 15

**[a big thank you for all the lovely reviews.]**

Alex knew, as she sat in that cab, that this was, by some measure, the worst thing she had ever done. Or, more accurately, was about to to.

But she was doing it for the right reasons. Wasn't she?

If, she reasoned, she did something truly abominable – like sleeping with Caryn – then Olivia would have no choice but to leave her. And then Olivia, dear, sweet, honorable Olivia, could restart her life with someone that deserved her.

She knew that this was the only way. She had come so low herself that there was already no way out of the mire of despair into which she had fallen. She wasn't going to kill herself; nothing so brave. But she would leave New York – how could she remain the place where she had been so ecstatically happy? – and start afresh elsewhere. She would bury herself in her work. Maybe she'd go to Africa, her skills would be invaluable to the poor and dispossessed of that continent. But she couldn't stay here.

The doorman waved her into the building. "Eighth floor, miss," he said politely. So Caryn must have told him she was expecting company. She felt slightly sick at the thought that her wanton behavior was evident to a wider audience.

Alex stepped into the elevator, and pressed 8, her heart racing. There didn't seem to be much air in the confined box, and she was grateful to hear the 'ping' when she reached her designated floor. She took a deep breath in the corridor, but that was stifling too. The feeling of nausea increased as she looked for apartment 43. Her head began to swim. This was wrong. Even to free Olivia from her, to allow her a life without being dragged down by a dependent girlfriend, she still couldn't do it. Her vision wavered, and she slammed one hand against the wall for support. She let her head rest against the cool wall, and was briefly comforted by the solid, cold plaster. "I'm sorry," she gasped, to no-one. "I can't …," her breathing quickened as the panic attack took hold in earnest.

Alex's breathing was erratic, as she tried desperately to suck in enough air. She didn't notice the door open, nor did she see Caryn, dressed in warm pajamas and a flannel robe.

Caryn put her hand on Alex's arm, scaring her even more. Alex reeled back, stumbling as her legs refused to co-operate. Through a haze of tears, Alex realized she wasn't alone. "No," she choked out. "I was wrong. I'm not … we shouldn't … ," red dots appeared in front of her eyes.

"And we won't," Caryn said in a tone much gentler than Alex had ever heard from her. "But you need to sit, before you pass out," she slid a strong arm around Alex's waist, shocked by the tremors that wracked the young attorney. "You're hyperventilating, Alex," she supported her as she guided her to the couch.

Alex's whole body was overcome with panic. She couldn't breathe, or focus properly. She felt like the walls were closing in. "No," she gasped, "I …," she thought she might vomit.

"Put your hands together," Caryn took Alex's hands, cupping them together, and guiding them over her face. "Keep them there, and breathe as slowly as you can. I'll be right back."

Alex tried to comply, but she felt herself tumble into full-blown panic. In seconds, Caryn was back at her side, and was holding a paper sack over her mouth and nose. She supported Alex's body, leaning her against her shoulder, as she kept the sack firmly in place.

Slowly, so slowly, Alex's panic started to recede. She tried to listen to Caryn's voice, coaching her to breathe slowly, systematically. The hum of Caryn's words was comforting.

For fifteen minutes, Caryn held Alex, as the younger woman slowly recovered some of her equilibrium.

Alex stayed gratefully in Caryn's embrace, her whole being spent, exhausted, drained.

"M'sorry," Alex mumbled eventually.

"You don't have to be sorry," Caryn said. "Just relax for a bit. You don't need to talk."

Alex shook her head. "I'm not … that is, I don't … I shouldn't …," her breathing started to quicken again.

Caryn caressed her back softly. "It's okay, Teflon," she whispered, a small smile in her voice. "We both know you were never going to sleep with me. You're hurt, or somethin'. You're in pain, Alex. You were lashing out."

"I couldn't see … I didn't know what to do. She loves me so much, but I'm pulling her down with me. I can't be responsible for that. And I said some things," she was having trouble breathing again. "Some awful things. I … oh God, I … her mother … I wanted so bad to hurt her … I … I … she'll hate me … I …," Alex felt the bag over her face again, and Caryn's soft touch pushing her so that she was lying on the couch. Someone, it must have been Caryn, lifted her legs, bending them at the knee, to increase blood flow to her heart.

"Try not to panic, Alex," Caryn's voice was soothing. "Let's get you right first, then we'll talk. You're getting yourself into a state. Just relax, if you can. That's it. Breathe with me. There, that's a little better." Caryn ran a soft hand down Alex's too pale cheek.

Alex's breathing eventually returned to near normal. She realized that she was cocooned in a warm blanket, a pillow under her head. Caryn knelt by her, stroking her face and head gently. "There," Caryn said. "That's better. It's all going to be okay, Alex. Trust me."

Alex's face crumpled. "It'll never be okay. After what I've done. What I've said. I _hated_ her. For a moment, I hated her. But I love her so much. Yet I was going to cheat. I was going to sleep with you. I wanted to sleep with you. I wanted so much to … to stop being so damned polite all the time. We've become like … roommates. She's staying with me because she feels it's her duty. I don't want to be her damned duty," she was getting angry again. "I don't want to be anyone's duty. I should be back to normal by now. And I thought, having another baby, that would do it. But then she wouldn't let me. And I said some things … unbelievably cruel things. I walked out. I was going to cheat on her. She'll never forgive me," tears streamed down her face as she choked out the words.

"There's nothing to forgive," Olivia's soft words came from the doorway. Alex looked up, her face paling even further, though Olivia could have sworn that wouldn't be possible. Olivia stepped hesitantly into the room. "Nothing at all." She approached Alex slowly, praying that she wouldn't pull away, as she had done too often in the past few weeks. Olivia touched Caryn gently on the back; Caryn instantly realized what she wanted, and stepped away, leaving room for Olivia to take her place.

Olivia knelt by Alex's head. She ran a loving finger down her face. She leant forward, and pressed her lips, unbelievably softly, to Alex's. "I love you, Alexandra. I love you so much. I don't pity you. And I sure as hell don't feel any sort of _duty_ toward you. I'm here, with you, because there is nowhere else in the world I want to be. And I don't know why you don't get it. You are beautiful, brilliant, compassionate. And so strong. So passionate. You feel things so strongly, and you'll put yourself on the line if you believe it's right. And I've never known love like I've known with you. The love I feel for you; the love I feel _from_ you. And the love that you show Lily. It's pure, it's perfect. Every day, I wake up, and I remember that I'm with you, and my heart fills with joy. Even now. I hate that you're so unhappy. I _hate_ it. But I don't hate you. And I don't want to be anywhere that you aren't."

Olivia kissed her again, a little more pressure this time.

"I wish you'd realize how wonderful you are. Then you'd know why I want to be with you … why I'm going to be with you for ever. You've had such a bad time. A shitty time. No-one should have to go through what you did. But it's happened. We have to learn how to deal with it. Together. And I think we probably need some help. But we'll talk about that. Right now," Olivia's own face was streaked with tears, "I need you to know that I love you. I always have. And I know I always will," by now, Olivia was crying openly.

Alex lifted up a shaky hand, and used her thumb to swipe away some of Olivia's tears. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Olivia shook her head. "You mustn't be sorry. I'm the one that's sorry. I let you down."

"I pulled away," Alex's voice shook. "It's my fault."

"You were trying not to be a burden. But you never could be. If I were the one that was sick, or hurt, would that be a burden for you?"

Alex's started to weep again. "Of course not," she whispered. "I love you."

"Then come home with me, baby. To our home. To our daughter."

Alex looked panicked. "Lily!"

"Sarah and Jay came over, they're taking care of her. She'll be fine. She was sad when we fought. I told her we'd never fight again, at least not like that."

"We won't," Alex's voice cracked. "Not ever."

Olivia rose from the floor, smiling as she heard one knee crack. She slid onto the couch, and almost wept with joy when Alex crawled into her arms, and clung tight to her. "It's okay, baby," Olivia whispered over and over. "We're going to make this all right."

Fifteen minutes later, Olivia looked up and realized that Caryn was no longer with them. A few moments later, Caryn came back into the apartment. She had put on jeans and a sweater over her pajamas, but there was evidence of her pajama top at her collar. Caryn smiled at Olivia. "I've warmed up the car," she said. "Let me drive you two home."

Olivia was going to protest, but Caryn fixed her with a steely look. "Don't start with me, HC. The doorman has just seen that I wear bunny rabbit flannel pajamas. I am not in the mood to be argued with."

Olivia smiled; she was beyond grateful. She didn't want Alex to have to face an unknown cab driver.

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Sarah met them at the door, an anxious look on her face. She relaxed, when she saw Alex leaning heavily into Olivia, their fight clearly over. Alex looked close to passing out, but the tension had gone from her face. And by the way she was clinging to Olivia, Sarah just knew it was all going to be okay.

Olivia smiled. "Lily?" she asked quietly.

Sarah couldn't lie to her. "She got real upset. Jay's with her."

"I want to see her," Alex spoke at last, her voice weak but determined.

Olivia kept a tight hold of her waist as they went into Lily's room. Lily was nearly asleep, as she continued to snuffle in Jay's arms in the big, leather armchair. Jay looked up and smiled. Olivia smiled back. "Let me," she spoke quietly. She released Alex, and took Lily very gently from Jay, nodding approval as Alex slid gratefully into the chair.

Lily turned in Olivia's arms, burying her face in her front and starting to sob anew at the sight of her mother. "Hey, Lily," Olivia rubbed her back lovingly. "It's all okay now."

"Mommy!" Lily sobbed loudly.

"I'm here, sweet girl," Alex spoke, giving a wide, open smile when Lily turned to look at her. "Everything's okay. I'm so sorry, baby," she held out her arms, and Olivia lowered the little girl into her embrace. Olivia's heart melted as their daughter eagerly accepted Alex's hug, her pudgy little arms encircling her neck.

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Jay withdrew from the room, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her. She almost ran to Sarah and clung to her, kissing her softly but with such emotion. "They'll be okay," she whispered to Sarah. "It's over. It's all over."

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Alex shifted in the chair, patting it as an invitation. Olivia smiled as she snuggled onto the chair, one hand taking Alex's proffered one, and the other stroking Lily's back.

The little family stayed huddled in the chair for close to an hour. Eventually, Alex was the first to rise, and she lay Lily gently into her crib. Olivia stood beside her, her arm around her waist as they both looked at their adored child.

"She's just about grown out of that crib," Alex said in wonder. "I can't believe she's nearly two."

"We'll get her a real bed. Maybe this weekend, if you feel up to it?" Olivia immediately stiffened; any reference to Alex's fragile state usually elicited a cold response from her lover.

Alex just smiled. "Yeah, that sounds good. We'll see, huh?"

Olivia nodded. "Bed?" she suggested.

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They helped each other undress, hands stroking soft skin, dropping small kisses on warm flesh. There was nothing sexual about their behavior, it was just tender and loving. When they were fully naked, Olivia reached for her nightwear of singlet and boxers, but Alex stilled her hand with her own.

"I want to feel you tonight. Can I do that?" she asked, a little nervously.

Olivia nodded; she pulled back the covers and guided Alex in, following after her. For the first time in weeks, Alex didn't migrate to the far side of the bed, but instead crawled into Olivia's arms.

They were both silent for a few minutes. Then Alex spoke. "I know I need to get help," she said, falteringly. "I'm scared."

Olivia tightened her loving hold on her. "I know you are, baby."

"I think I need to see a doctor."

"I really think it would help, Alex," Olivia ran her hand through her hair.

"Will you come with me?"

"Of course, baby. Whatever you want."

"I don't deserve you," Alex hiccuped.

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"Well, Miss Cabot," the doctor spoke in a gentle tone.

"Alex, please," Alex said, her grip on Olivia's hand as tight as ever.

"Alex," the doctor smiled. "You've taken the first step, and the first step is the hardest."

Olivia tried to blink away her tears.

"It's my opinion that you are clinically depressed, and that you would benefit from a course of antidepressants," she was scribbling on her prescription pad. "How would you feel about taking tablets?"

Olivia prayed silently.

Alex looked down in her lap, but then forced herself to look right in the doctor's eyes. "I hate the idea," she admitted honestly. "But I have to do something. And if you really think it'll help..."

"I'm sure it will," the doctor replied.

"Then I'll do it," Alex felt Olivia's loving grip on her fingers. "I'll do whatever it takes."

"There are some side-effects," the doctor warned. "The most common are nausea..."

Alex snorted quietly.

The doctor looked up sharply. "You've been feeling sick?"

"Sometimes," Alex admitted.

"Okay," the doctor scribbled something else on her pad. "That's not uncommon. You've been through a significant trauma, Alex. These other tablets should help with that. You can also expect to experience fatigue, maybe some insomnia and restlessness. Read the leaflet that comes with the medication carefully. Remember, the side-effects are only temporary. It'll be worth it in the end."

Alex nodded. She just wanted to get out of the office now.

"I'm also recommending counseling. You have a lot going on in here," the doctor tapped the side of her own head. "I'll really help if you can understand what you're feeling better."

Alex nodded.

"I would like to recommend Lena Corbett, she's the best in the field in this sort of situation."

"How soon can we get an appointment?" Olivia asked.

"We?" Alex looked at her.

"If it would help," Olivia said. "I can go in with you, or I can sit in the waiting room. Either way, I'm going to the appointment with you."

Alex looked relieved.

"I'd like to book you an emergency appointment for this afternoon," the doctor said. "She works six afternoons a week, and she always keeps room for emergencies. She's in great demand."

"Will she be able to take Alex as a client?" Olivia was already worried.

"I'll make sure she does," the doctor smiled. She lowered her voice, and grinned conspiratorially. "She dated my son a few years ago, we've remained friends. She'll do this as a favor to me."

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Alex and Olivia sat in the waiting room at Lena Corbett's offices. The décor was warm, friendly and relaxed. Alex clung tightly to Olivia's hand. "You are the bravest woman I know," Olivia whispered to Alex. She kissed her very softly. "We'll be okay. All of us. I just know it."


	16. Chapter 16

Alex clung tight to Olivia's hand.

Lena Corbett leaned forward. She smiled. "How do you feel, Alex?" she asked.

Alex blinked. "Exhausted," she finally admitted.

The therapist smiled. "I'm not surprised. You did well though. Both of you," she nodded warmly at Olivia.

"What do you think?" Olivia asked quietly.

Corbett glanced down at her notes. She took off her glasses and laid them on the notepad. "I think you've both made a great start. But there's a lot to work through, especially for you, Alex."

Alex nodded. She just wanted to go home, and wrap herself in Olivia's warm arms.

"It has been very helpful to have you both in here today. Extremely helpful. But I do think, from now on, it would be better if I saw you alone Alex. I can see how much you love each other, and that's going to be a great help, to you both. But it won't help if either of you is worried about how the other will react to anything you say. So, my recommendation, for what it's worth, is that you and I start on an intensive course, Alex. The sooner the better."

Alex nodded, reluctantly. She could feel Olivia chafing her hand between her own. "Okay," she whispered.

"I want to see you every day, if you can manage that. For two weeks, at least."

Alex looked shocked, but she nodded.

"As for you, Olivia, I do think you would benefit from therapy as well. But I can't see you both, it wouldn't be right. My colleague Moira Stanley could fit you in, or you could find someone else if you prefer."

Olivia nodded. "I'll do anything that will help," she said, squeezing Alex's fingers.

"I want you to see Moira for _your_ sake," Corbett said gently. "You've both been through the mill in the last few months. Though I believe once a week would probably suffice in your case. You can discuss it with Moira."

"I will," Olivia promised. "Can we book Alex in now, to see you?"

Lena Corbett picked up the phone. "Sally? Alex Cabot will be out to see you shortly. I need to see her every day, will you make sure you clear space in my schedule? Thank you." She turned to Alex. "Check in with Sally on the way out, she'll fix you up. And Alex," she smiled, trying to allay the blonde woman's fears, "it's going to be okay. You have a lot of work to do, but you've done the hardest part. And you want to get well, so that's a big part of the battle won already."

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6pm

Olivia opened the door to the apartment. As they stepped through the door, Alex turned and buried her face in Olivia's front. Olivia held her close for several minutes. She stepped back a little, and cupped Alex's face softly. She kissed her tenderly. "You did good," she whispered.

"I'm so tired," Alex admitted.

"I know, baby. I know. Let's get you some dinner, and then you can sleep."

Alex shook her head. "Not hungry," she said, almost too quickly.

"You're feeling sick?" Olivia asked gently.

"A little," Alex admitted.

"Do you think you could manage a glass of milk, maybe?"

"I'll try," Alex said.

"Good girl. C'mon, let's get you into bed. I'll bring you a glass once you're settled."

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Alex managed just over half the glass of milk, before she handed it back to Olivia.

Olivia smiled. Alex was pale and exhausted, but she was trying so hard to open up to Olivia, to be honest and up front with her. And she was finally allowing Olivia to help her, rather than trying to cope on her own. "You need to sleep, baby," Olivia whispered.

"Will you hold me? Just for a bit?" Alex asked, trying not to sound too needy.

"Of course, Alexandra. Your sister's not going to be here with Lily for nearly an hour. We'll snuggle until then. You should be asleep by the time they arrive, I hope."

"I want to see Lily. Will you wake me if I'm asleep?"

"Why don't you see her tomorrow?"

"I really want to see her tonight. Please, Liv?" Alex could feel tears encroaching.

"Okay, honey. I promise. I'll bring her through to see you tonight."

"Thank you. I just want to talk to her for a few minutes."

"Lily will be pleased. You know how much she loves you, don't you honey?"

Alex nodded. She pulled the quilt back, and tugged on Olivia's hand.

Olivia smiled, and kicked off her shoes. Alex still had a long way to go, but she was doing everything she could to get better. Olivia's heart filled with joy as Alex snuggled into her embrace.

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"Hi, Carolyn," Olivia smiled as she opened the door to the apartment. "And hi to you, too, munchkin," Olivia crouched by the stroller, and stroked her daughter's face. She unbuckled her, and pulled her into her arms. "Did you have a good day, Lily?"

Lily nodded. "We did go see Jay and her truck," she said. "And then UncaJoe let me play on his wheelie chair."

Carolyn smiled. "Jay gave us a tour of the fire station. Lily got to sit in the driver's seat, didn't you?"

Lily grinned.

"Then we went to the café for lunch. And then we went to the mall."

"You've had a full day!" Olivia smiled.

Lily looked over Olivia's shoulder. "Mommy?"

"Mommy's asleep right now, peanut," Olivia saw Lily's face fall. "It's okay, sweetie. She's told me I have to wake her, so that she can say goodnight to you. She made me promise I'd wake her up."

Lily brightened.

"Have you eaten?" Olivia asked Carolyn.

"We've both eaten. I'm gonna shoot off, I promised Sarah I'd drop in."

"Are you sure? You don't want some coffee?"

"I'll get tea with Sarah."

"Thank you so much," Olivia smiled. "We really appreciate it."

"I'll call you tomorrow," Carolyn said, more quietly. "Did it go well though?"

Olivia nodded. "I think it's really going to help."

"Hug her for me," Carolyn said.

"I will. And I'll call you tomorrow, tell you all about it."

Carolyn hugged her briefly, and let herself out of the apartment.

"Are you ready for your bath, Lily?" Olivia lowered Lily to the floor.

"Yes, Mama," Lily said.

Soon, Lily was sitting in a warm bath, enjoying being soaped down by Olivia.

"We'll go see Mommy in a few minutes, Lily," Olivia promised.

"Is Mommy sick?" Lily asked, astutely.

Olivia swallowed. "Yes, baby, she is a little sick. But she's getting better every day."

"I love Mommy," Lily's face crumpled.

"I know, baby. And Mommy knows that too. And she loves you too, Lily, so much. So _very_ much. We both do. And she'll be fine, real soon."

"Want to see her."

"She wants to see you too. C'mon, sweetheart, let's get you out of the tub, then we can go see Mommy."

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Olivia sat carefully on the side of the bed, Lily in her arms. Lily was dressed in her warm pajamas and fluffy robe. Olivia reached out and stroked Alex's face. "Hey, Alex, I've got a visitor for you," she said quietly.

Alex grunted softly, and rolled on her back. She opened one eye, smiling as she realized what was happening. "Hey, baby girl," her voice was rough with sleep. She levered herself into a sitting position. "Don't you look beautiful!" she put out her arms, delighted as their daughter snuggled immediately into her embrace. She hugged her tightly, resting her chin on the top of her head, nuzzling into her slightly damp hair. "I missed you, chipmunk."

"I missed you Mommy."

"Did you have a good day?"

Lily nodded. "We did play on Jay's truck."

"I'll tell you all about it," Olivia said with a smile.

"Are you sad Mommy?" Lily asked.

Alex glanced at Olivia. Olivia nodded slightly. Alex adjusted Lily in her arms. "You know I was sick, huh, Lily?"

Lily nodded.

"Well, sometimes when you're sick, you get sad too. And sometimes you stay sad, even when you're not really sick any more. So I've started to see a real nice doctor, and she knows just how to stop me feeling sad. So I'm going to be all better, really soon. So there's nothing to worry about, baby. I might be a little tired for a while, and I'll probably be sleeping a little more than usual, but that's all good. It all means I'm getting better."

Lily nodded again.

"But there's one thing you have to remember, Lily. I'm _always_ happy when I see you. And I never don't want to see you. And if you ever want to see me, and I'm not there, because I'm asleep, you just tell your Mama, and she'll bring you in to see me. I'll always be happy to be woken up to see you. Is that okay, Lily?"

"I don't want you to be sad, Mommy," Lily said.

"Seeing you makes me happy. And the nice doctor will make sure I'm happy all the time."

"Your happy doctor?"

"Yes," Alex smiled. "My happy doctor."

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Olivia held Alex lovingly in her arms as they settled down for the night together. "Are you okay, baby?" she asked.

Alex mumbled.

"You'll wake me if you need me?" Olivia asked her softly.

"Yeah," Alex said.

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**11am**

Sarah felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She took it out and looked at the screen, smiling as she saw that the message came from Jay.

_I'm really missing you today. I love you so much._

Sarah grinned, as she replied.

**Ditto.**

_You were incredible last night._

**Ditto.**

_I keep thinking about you._

**Ditto.**

Jay laughed. _I can't stop thinking about your beautiful body_, she typed into her phone.

**Don't. You're making me horny**, Sarah replied.

_How horny?_

**Real horny.**

_What time will you be home?_

**I was going to go to the store, pick up dinner. I'll be home by 6.30pm.**

_And if you don't stop by the store?_ Jay asked.

**5.45pm. What time does your shift end?**

_5pm. I brought the bike today, I can be home by 5.30pm._

**So we'll call for take-out later? **Sarah suggested. **No need to stop at the store.**

_Please. I need to feel you. I can't wait to hold you._

**Ditto. ** Sarah blushed at her next thought. **Last night was amazing. It's always amazing, but it's never been as good as that before. YOU were on fire.**

_Ditto_, Jay smiled as she put her phone back into her jacket pocket. She would have time to stop at the florist on the way home, if she left ten minutes early. "Mike?" she yelled as she entered the recreation room where her crewmates were playing snooker. "Cover for me tonight, just for ten minutes?"

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"Are you ready to go?" Olivia could see how shaky Alex was feeling.

"'kay," Alex whispered.

"I'll be right there, in the waiting room."

"You'll be late for work."

"It doesn't matter. I'll make the time up."

"You can't come with me every day."

"I can, for this week at least. Cragen told me to take all the time I need."

"Carolyn said she'd go with me, when she phoned this morning," Alex said.

"Maybe next week. This week, I want to do it. Is that okay?"

Alex nodded. She swayed slightly, leaning into Olivia's embrace when she slid her hand around her waist.

"It'll get easier. Soon," Olivia promised.

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**7.15pm**

"I'm so sorry," Olivia called as she let herself into the apartment. "I left as soon as I could."

"Hey, Mama," Alex called from the bathroom. "We're in the tub."

Olivia shucked off her coat, and toed off her shoes. She opened the door to the bathroom, smiling widely at the sight of her lover and her daughter together in the tub. Alex was blowing big soap bubbles, and laughing widely at Lily's failed attempts to mimic her.

"It looks like you two are having fun!" Olivia knelt by the tub, kissing her daughter on the top of her head. She leant further in, and kissed Alex tenderly on the lips. She caressed her cheek lovingly. She looked at her. "You okay?" she mouthed.

Alex nodded, reaching out to squeeze Olivia's hand.

"They're delivering your new bed tomorrow," Olivia addressed Lily. "Then your Mommy or I will be able to snuggle in with you to read stories, won't that be fun?"

Lily gave a huge grin.

"I have an idea, if your Mommy agrees," Olivia suggested. "Just for once, why don't we break the rules, and we can all get in Mommy's and my bed, and we can all read stories together tonight?"

"I think that's a great idea," Alex smiled.

"Okay, baby, are you two done here?"

Alex nodded.

Olivia took a warm towel, and lifted a wriggling Lily from the bath, wrapping her in the soft material. "Let's get you dressed," Olivia smiled. As she left the bathroom, she saw Alex rising from the bath, and tried not to wince at how much weight she had lost. She would get better, Olivia knew. She had already made so much progress. And Lily knew how much her mothers loved her.

Forty minutes later, Olivia turned in the bed, realizing that Lily had fallen to sleep in Alex's arms. Alex was struggling to stay awake. Olivia reached out and ran her hand lovingly down Alex's face. "Let it go, baby. Relax. I'll watch her. I'll move her to her room soon. Just let yourself drift off," she crooned softly.

Alex swallowed and closed her eyes. As she drifted further into sleep, she reached out and took Olivla's hand. "Love you," she mumbled, pressing her face into Lily's warm, round stomach. "Both of you."


	17. Chapter 17

"Mom!" Sarah smiled as she opened the door to her mother. It was still strange for her, and for Carolyn, adapting to their new relationship. Both of them had learned so much about tolerance and forgiveness over the preceding months.

Carolyn had feared that she would never be truly able to enjoy a loving relationship with her daughter, but every time she saw her, her fears seemed unfounded. And she knew that was due in great part to Jay's influence, and for that she was grateful.

Carolyn smiled as Sarah ushered her in to the apartment, following her into the kitchen. "I can't stay long," Carolyn said. "I should get back, I have things to do. I just wanted to drop in, see how you are doing."

"We're doing well, Mom. Jay's just in the shower, she'll be right out. Tell me, how _are_ they?" Sarah knew that Carolyn had just deposited Lily with Alex and Olivia.

Carolyn took a deep breath. "I think they're good," she said. "Alex was asleep. Olivia said it went well, she's going to call me tomorrow, to tell me all about it."

"I'm just so pleased they're getting help," Sarah held out an empty mug as an invitation. "You will stay for some tea at least? Jay wants to see you too."

"That'd be great. I've actually got some news, which I'd love to tell the both of you."

"What news?" Jay emerged from the bathroom, toweling her short hair dry. "Hi Carolyn," she grinned, as she stepped forward to kiss her on the cheek. "You look great."

"I feel good," Carolyn couldn't hide her smile. "Lily and I had a great day. And it got even better this afternoon, when I got a call from the art gallery."

"You got the job!" Sarah cried in delight.

"I did! They aren't opening officially until January, but they want me to come in for a few hours a week from December, and then four days a week once they're open. I can't wait, I'm real excited."

"That's wonderful, Mom," Sarah hugged her tightly. "I think it's just what you need. Something to focus on."

"Something to keep my mind off booze," Carolyn smiled wryly.

Sarah nodded. "Yeah," she said a little sadly. "But not just that. I think you're really going to enjoy it. You've always loved art."

"It'll be wonderful," Carolyn agreed. "I've already got lots of ideas. It's like a new chapter."

Sarah handed round mugs of tea. "Sit," she pushed her mother toward a chair in the small living room.

"I have other news too," Carolyn hesitated a little.

Sarah raised an eyebrow in anticipation.

"I'm selling the beach house. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know we had some good vacations there. It's just..."

"Too many memories," Sarah supplied. She took her mother's hand. "It's okay, Mom. I don't ever want to go there again. The good memories we have are all tainted now. I don't think I could bear to go in."

Carolyn nodded, trying not to react to the tears she saw in her daughter's eyes. "I want us all to start afresh. As a family."

"Me too, Mom," Sarah smiled, feeling Jay's soft hand on her shoulder.

"So I've found us somewhere else."

"_Us_?" Sarah teased gently.

"Us," Carolyn replied firmly. "I want us to have somewhere we can go on vacation. Together, separately, whatever. And Lily will love it. I'd love you to come see it, if you get time."

"Where is it?" Jay asked.

"It's a cabin, on Lake Saranac in the Adirondacks. It's right by the water, but we don't have to worry, it's all fenced off, so Lily can play in the yard. Four bedrooms, it's beautiful."

"That sounds wonderful, Mom. When did you see it? I didn't know you'd been up there."

"I've been doing a lot of driving recently. Just getting my head clear. No, sweetheart, you don't have to worry. I just need to … think … sometimes. And somehow I ended up at Lake Placid, and it was so beautiful, I just knew I wanted to spend time in the area. So I found a real estate agent, and the cabin had just come on the market."

"Did you buy it?" Jay asked.

"Not yet. But I really want to. But I have to know it's right for everyone, and I'd really like it if you two had time to come see it. I don't want to ask Alex and Olivia right now, they have enough going on."

"We'd love to," Jay said firmly. "What about this weekend? I get off work at 6am Saturday morning, I could sleep in the car on the way there, and back. Or we could go Sunday?"

"Let's get a hotel!" Sarah joined in. "Make a whole weekend of it. It'd be great to spend some time with you Mom, and if we stay Saturday night, we can take our time, check out the local area as well as the cabin." Her face clouded over. "Maybe one of us should stay behind, in case they need us to take Lily?"

"I'll call my Pop," Jay said. "He and Vanessa are just desperate to spend some time with Lily. I'll ask them to call Olivia and see if they can take Lily for at least part of the weekend. Pop will love that. I swear he views Lily as his granddaughter."

"That's settled!" Sarah declared.

"Are you sure you're happy to do that?" Carolyn was tentative.

"It sounds wonderful. We'll have a great time, won't we Jay?"

"I'll find us a nice hotel," Carolyn said, excitedly. "I'll book some rooms."

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Olivia's emotions fluctuated wildly from day to day. At one moment, she would find herself happy and content, when Alex was calm, relaxed and clearly making real progress. But then Alex would seem to take a step backwards, and would be tense, anxious and snappy. Olivia loved it when Alex snuggled into her at night, and even on occasion slept through the night. But other nights, she would wake to an empty bed, and find a restless and agitated Alex pacing the living room, trying not to wake her as she fought to control her demons. Even worse were the nights when the nausea would hit, seemingly with no warning, and Alex spent what seemed like hours hunched miserably over the toilet bowl as her body spasmed uncontrollably. Even in Olivia's supporting and loving arms, she felt like she just wanted to die.

Olivia hated that her girlfriend was suffering so much; she hated it too that she had to attend counseling herself. If the decision had been solely up to her, she would have refused to go. But she had promised Alex that she would see the counselor once a week, and she kept to that promise. Alex hated her own therapy sessions, but she went steadfastly, every day for two weeks as she had been advised, so attending her own appointments was the least the Olivia could do.

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Olivia sat outside the therapy room, waiting for Alex to emerge. When she did, she was pale and brittle. Olivia knew not to question her too closely as they climbed into the car. Once they were home, Alex took herself straight into the bedroom. Five minutes later, Olivia slipped quietly into the room, a cup of peppermint tea in her hand. Alex had thrown off her pants and her sweater, and was huddled in a tight ball under the covers.

"Alexandra?" Olivia spoke quietly. She placed a soft hand on Alex's back, disconcerted to feel her whole body shaking.

Alex flung herself into her girlfriend's arms as her sobs overtook her. "I'm sorry," she said, again and again. "I'm so sorry."

Olivia held her as she wept, waiting and whispering soothing noises to her until she calmed a little. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, baby," she said quietly, as she rubbed comforting circles on Alex's back. "You didn't do anything wrong. None of this is your fault."

"I'm such a fuck-up," Alex said eventually.

"No you're not," Olivia kept her tone mild. "Tell me, honey."

"She says I need to still come every day. For another two weeks. _Two weeks_, Liv. Every _fucking_ day."

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. But," she risked saying it, "I do think it's helping, Lex. I know it's awful for you, but you're having more good days now than you were. You slept through last night, and on Tuesday. You haven't done that for ages."

"But what about Wednesday?" Alex sounded anguished.

"Wednesday was bad," Olivia agreed. "But that's only happend only once in the last week. It's getting better, Alex. I can see you're coping better. And I think you've stopped losing weight, at last."

"I was hungry yesterday," Alex agreed slowly. "I really enjoyed that lamb."

"See?" Olivia held her tighter. "She knows what she's doing. She just needs you to come along with her on the journey."

"I will. I'll do anything to make things right between us again," Alex said, trying to sound strong.

"Everything _is_ right between us," Olivia said firmly. "I know it's difficult for you, baby. But the one thing I'm sure on is that we're okay now, and we're always going to be okay. Always. You," she kissed her softly, "me," she kissed her again, "and the munchkin."

"Wha' time is it?" Alex struggled to look at her watch, reaching out for her glasses.

"We have an hour before Lily gets back," Olivia promised her. "Why don't you drink your tea, and we can snuggle until Rosie brings her over."

Alex looked up at Olivia. "I love you, Liv," she tried to keep her voice from cracking.

"I know, honey. I love you too. And you're doing so well. You make me so proud."

Alex reached out a shaky hand to take her tea.

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"It's beautiful, Mom," Sarah whispered as she looked around her. The whole area was so tranquil and serene; the water lapping at the edge of the lake, the fresh breeze.

"Wait until you see inside," Carolyn was excited. "Here," she thrust the keys at Jay. "You take Sarah round. I want you to see it together. I'll be on the jetty. Come tell me what you think when you've seen round it."

"This place is amazing," Jay turned to Sarah as they explored excitedly, like two young children, opening doors, looking in closets, under beds. She ran her hand along an oak beam. "Look at that fireplace," she pointed to a huge, open fireplace.

Sarah nodded, almost speechless.

"I can just imagine what it's like here, in the summer," Jay said, in a tone of wonder.

"And in the winter," Sarah smiled. She took Jay in her arms. She kissed her softly, deepening the kiss as she responded to her girlfriend's warm lips. She pulled Jay's shirt out from her jeans, unbuttoning it slowly. She slid one hand up her torso, grinning as she let her fingers play with a tight nipple. "When it's snowy outside," she kissed her again, loving Jay's groan as her fingers toyed with the taut bud, "you can make love to me on that rug in front of the fire. I can see it now, your beautiful body in the firelight."

"Oh God, Sarah, don't do that to me," Jay pleaded. She wanted nothing more than to take Sarah right there and then.

Sarah smiled. She placed a tantalizing kiss on each nipple, letting her tongue flick out and play with the jewelry on her right nipple. She reluctantly pulled back, grinning as she rebuttoned the shirt and tucked it back into Jay's waistband. "Let's go tell Mom we like it," she said, taking Jay's hand.

Jay nodded, barely able to concentrate. "'kay," she agreed, startled at the huskiness of her own voice. She cleared her throat, smiling at Sarah's laugh. "It's your fault. You know just how to turn me on."

"Tonight," Sarah promised, as she took her hand.

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Carolyn looked up as she heard the girls approaching. "Well?" she asked.

Sarah pulled her into a tight hug. "It's perfect, Mom," she said. "Absolutely perfect."

Carolyn looked up to see Jay nodding her agreement. She grinned, when she noticed that Jay's shirt was buttoned up wrong. A year ago, she would have been horrified, but she was happy to realize that her only emotion now was one of delight. Her daughter and her dear, sweet girlfriend had been making out in the place she wanted to buy for them all to use on vacation. That thought made her happy.

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"Lex?" Olivia sounded anxious.

"Yes, Liv? What is it? Are you okay?" Alex asked.

"I'm fine," Olivia reassured her. She took her hand and led her to the couch. "It's just … I've been thinking. And say if you don't agree. But Thanksgiving is in two weeks," she could feel Alex tense up just at the mention of the holiday.

"I think we should forget about it this year. Well, not forget completely. But I'm thinking, we'll just have the day together. You, me and Lily. We won't make any fuss, we don't need to cook anything special. And we don't need to do gifts. This is probably the last year we'll get away with that with Lily," she smiled. "So let's make the most of it, huh? And I know it's great to get family and friends together, I know you love doing that. But maybe …," she looked over anxiously at Alex.

Alex's expression was one of pure relief. "I think that would be perfect," she whispered, quietly. She kissed Olivia softly. "Thank you, baby."

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Caryn Wright was unhappy. It was five weeks since she had emailed Abbie and, while she wasn't expecting a response, she had hoped that she would get some feeling of closure. But it just wasn't happening. She was as antsy as ever, and still couldn't get Abbie off her mind.

Being honest, a small part of her had hoped that Abbie would reply, and maybe wish her well. But it hadn't happened, and she couldn't blame her for that. But now, here she was, still feeling as though she was in limbo.

Caryn had foregone the bars since she had sent the email, knowing that it did her no real good. She was never going to find a relationship in that sort of cattle market. But today, she just wanted the oblivion of sexual release, someone holding her, driving her, fucking her. She made a decision. Within ten minutes, she was dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, her shirt unbuttoned just one button too many to be completely decent.

Caryn allowed herself to be led onto the dance floor by a woman she had often watched in action. The woman – Fiona? She couldn't remember her name – was a player. Worse than she was. She had seen her with three different women in one night. But tonight, she didn't care. She didn't need tenderness or consideration. She just wanted to come and come until her mind emptied itself.

"You don't do relationships, huh?" Fiona's fingers danced across her breast as they danced closely.

Caryn gulped and nodded. "That's right," she tried to sound cocky.

Fiona kissed her, hard, her tongue thrusting into her mouth, passionately, hungrily. "You're a very sexy woman," she pressed her body hard against Caryn's. Caryn's breathing hitched as she felt Fiona's hot breath against her neck. "You have fabulous tits," Fiona palmed a breast hard.

Caryn whimpered with desire.

Fiona pulled back, smiling as she saw the raw need in Caryn's face.

"Come with me," she took her by the hand and led her across the room. She pushed Caryn toward the bathrooms, opening the door to the handicapped stall when they reached it. "More room," she saw Caryn's startled look.

Caryn gasped as Fiona closed the door behind them, and pushed Caryn against that same door. "Christ, you're sexy," Fiona was struggling to haul Caryn's shirt over her head. She flung it to the floor, and plunged one hand in her bra, freeing a plump breast. She closed her mouth over it, suckling hard.

It was as if something snapped in Caryn. "No," she said quietly. "No," she became more forceful. She pushed a confused Fiona away from her. "I'm sorry. I've led you on," she felt her breathing become more panicked. "I can't do this."

"I thought you wanted this?" Fiona looked shocked, and a little pissed.

"I thought I did too," Caryn adjusted her bra. "I'm sorry. I just can't. This isn't right. It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong."

Fiona smiled, a little cockily. "You don't have to worry, sweetheart. I'm not going to try to persuade you. I've never needed to beg for it," her tone was a little nasty. She reached to the floor for Caryn's shirt, and tossed it to her. "Here," she said. Her expression softened a little when she saw the anguish in Caryn's eyes. "Hey, it's not a big deal. It's not what you want. I get that. No harm, no foul."

Caryn exhaled gratefully. "Thank you," she whispered.

Fiona smiled. "I'll tell you one thing. Whoever gets that sweet ass of yours is one lucky lady."

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Caryn felt sick as she climbed into the cab. She knew she had gone too far this time. Sex with a near-stranger was one thing, but getting fucked in a public bathroom? It was too much. She was disgusted with herself. She just wanted to get home, have a long, hot bath and a large drink.

Caryn made her weary way up the stairs to her apartment. It was typical that this was the day the elevator chose to break down. At least she wasn't stuck in it, she reasoned.

She was startled to see a figure huddled at her front door. Then she realized. It was Abbie Carmichael, who had curled up on the floor in the corridor, and was dozing lightly against the wall. Tentatively, Caryn reached out and touched her shoulder. "Abbie?"

"CW?" Abbie growled. "Where in the hell have you been?"

Caryn tried to blink away tears. "You don't wanna know."

Abbie got to her feet. She stared openly at Caryn. "Well, are you going to invite me in?" she asked, after a few seconds of silence.

Caryn opened the door, letting Abbie walk in first. "This is a surprise," Caryn said, trying to stop her voice shaking.

"Is it?" Abbie asked cryptically.

Caryn nodded.

"I was surprised too, when I got your email," Abbie said.

"I'm sorry," suddenly Caryn felt totally spent. "I shouldn't have sent it."

"I'm not saying that," Abbie said, her tone softening a little. "God this is hard," she ran a hand through her hair. "Got any bourbon?"

Caryn smiled. She fetched a bottle and two glasses.

"Wild Turkey?" Abbie smiled. "My favorite."

"I know," Caryn's voice was small.

"What's wrong, CW? I've never seen you like this."

"Like what?"

"You lost your spark, or something. It's like you don't have the energy for the usual CW bullshit."

Caryn smiled sadly. "Bad day. Come back tomorrow, the bullshit will be firmly back in place."

Abbie looked at her closely. "I like you like this," she said, eventually.

"Defenseless?" Caryn tried not to sound bitter. She slopped generous measures in the glasses, handing one to Abbie.

"Real," Abbie said, softly. "Caryn," she took her hand. "I didn't come here to ream you out."

Caryn looked up, surprised. "So why did you come? And shouldn't you be in DC? The rumor mill says you got engaged. To Jeff Handley. To a man. Is that true? Have you changed sides now?"

"I'll answer that in a moment. First," Abbie squeezed her fingers. "First, I need to know."

"Need to know what?" Caryn felt a tear slipping down her cheek.

"How much of that email you meant."

Caryn stared. "All of it."

"That you always loved me?"

Caryn nodded.

"That you always wanted me?"

She nodded again.

Abbie took a deep breath. She knocked back the bourbon in one swig. "So tell me honestly, CW. Do you still love me? Do you still want me? I'm not playing games here."

Caryn forced herself to look straight in Abbie's eyes. "Yes," she whispered. "I do. More than anything," she felt her voice cracking. "I've never stopped missing you."

"What would you say if I said I wanted you back too?"

Caryn stared. "I … ," she tried to get a hold on her emotions. "I … I'd say yes. Yes please," she smiled through her tears.

Abbie nodded. She reached out and cupped Caryn's cheek, stroking the downy skin tenderly. "Okay," she took a deep breath. "I'll tell you everything. You may not want me when I've finished. But if you do, I'm yours," tears glistened in her eyes.

"I went to DC. After you. You broke my heart, Caryn. No," she saw Caryn open her mouth to apologize. "You've apologized. It's over. But I went crazy for a while. I was screwing every woman I could find. I was just so lonely. I wanted … I needed to feel. Anyone. Everyone," she smiled, wryly. "You know?"

Caryn nodded. "Me too," she admitted in a whisper.

"It got to the point when I was picking up strangers in bars," Abbie continued, not failing to notice as Caryn nodded again. "And then I met him."

"Jeff Handley?"

"Yeah," Abbie said. She looked into Caryn's eyes. "He's a nice guy. He really is. But he doesn't know what he wants. He wants to run for office some time in the future. So he can't admit who he really is."

"Who he really is?" Caryn prompted.

"Gay," Abbie said. "Well, he says bi, but he's just kidding himself."

"So?"

"So I didn't know what I wanted either. I knew I didn't want to be alone. And I knew I wasn't making myself happy, with all the bed-hopping. And," she tried to keep her breathing even, "I wanted kids. I thought, if I can have a family, even an unconventional one like that, I can be happy. And he knew about me. He told me I could keep seeing women, as long as I stayed discreet. So he asked me to marry him. And I said yes."

Caryn nodded. "I can understand that," she said. "I've seen what happiness children can bring."

"I haven't finished," Abbie looked down at her feet as she spoke. "I slept with him. I was trying to convince myself I could make it work, I suppose. He was too."

Caryn stared. "What was it like?" she asked, eventually.

Abbie looked up. "It wasn't horrible," she said, after a beat. "He's a good guy. He was kind. He said he wanted our kids to be born of love. He's a romantic at heart. He's going to make some guy real happy one day. Just not me," she added, softly.

"Are you still together?" Caryn dreaded the answer.

"He thinks we are. I told him I was visiting a friend who'd been in an accident. He's expecting me back tomorrow. But," she sounded scared for the first time. "If you still want me, after hearing all that, then I'll tell him I'm leaving him."

"And if I didn't want you?" Caryn knew it was cruel to ask, but she had to know the answer.

"I don't know. I'll go back to Dallas, I think. Join my brother's law firm. End up defending losers. I really don't know."

"So you're not going back to him, whatever I say?"

Abbie blinked away tears. "I don't think I can. Not looking at you now, in front of me. If I can't have someone as good as you, I don't want anyone. I might have kids. On my own. Maybe," she couldn't look at Caryn any longer.

Caryn took both her hands. "Abbie, I can't think of anything better than being with you. I'm sorry I had to ask about him, but I didn't want to be your 'get-out-of-jail-free' card with him. Does that make sense?"

Abbie stared. "Does that mean…? Do you…? Will you…?

"Yes, sweetheart. If you'll have me. If you can forgive me for everything."

"I can forgive _you_, if you can forgive _me_," Abbie was crying openly now. She took Caryn's face between her hands, and kissed her softly but with such emotion that Caryn just crumbled under her touch.

"Stay here tonight," Caryn pleaded. "I'll drive you to the airport in the morning. Hell, I'll come with you to DC if you'd like."

"No. I have to do this alone. I want to be fair to him. He's a good guy," Abbie repeated. "He truly is. He's just lost. Like I was. Like _we_ were."

"I've never felt so lost," Caryn admitted.

"I can't sleep with you," Abbie said suddenly. "Not until I've seen him. I don't want _us_ to be tainted by anything. I want everything to be right when I touch you like that again."

Caryn nodded. "I want that too. But I do want you to stay. I want to hold you. Just hold you. I promise I won't try anything."

Abbie wiped away her tears. "Is this really happening?" she whispered, awe-struck.

"It is. I love you, Abbie Carmichael. My beautiful, sexy redneck," Caryn teased.

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"This is perfect, Liv," Alex smiled as Olivia placed the small chicken on the table, along with an assortment of vegetables.

Olivia put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Who needs a big Thanksgiving?" she teased lightly. "I have all I need right here at this table."

"Me too," Alex reached out and touched their daughter's cheek.

Olivia sat down opposite Alex, and reached out for her hand. With her other hand, she reached out and took Lily's. Alex followed her example. Olivia smiled at Lily, who was wondering what was going on, but was happy to do whatever her mothers wanted. "Today," Olivia spoke quietly, "I am thankful for my beautiful family, and I'm thankful that my darling fiancée is getting stronger every day."

Alex gazed at her lover and her daughter. "And I'm thankful for the both of you. You are my world."

"Let's eat," Olivia instructed. She tried not to watch closely, but was pleased to see Alex take a reasonable portion of food onto her plate.

"Carolyn and the girls send love," Alex said as she started to eat. "I called them while you were cooking. The cabin's all going through. Carolyn thinks it'll be hers before Christmas. And she asked," Alex looked anxiously at Olivia, "if we would all like to spend Christmas there. She said there's no pressure to make a decision, but says we can join them if we want. I told her yes, as long as you were on board with it. Was that okay Liv?"

"It sounds perfect," Olivia said softly. "Absolutely perfect. Christmas in a cabin by the water. What could be nicer?"

Alex grinned with relief. "I thought Lily would like it," she said. "And I'd like it too. I think by then I'll be ready for a full-on Cabot Christmas."

"_Benson_ Christmas," Olivia teased. "Don't forget, you're outnumbered in this house," she grinned at Lily. "Isn't she, Lily Alexandra _Benson_?" she stressed the surname.

"I can't wait until we're _all_ Bensons," Alex said, with feeling.

Olivia met her gaze. "God, I love you Alexandra."

"Back atcha, Benson. Back atcha."


	18. Chapter 18

"HC!" Caryn was in cheerful mood when Olivia knocked on her door. "Come in. What can I do for you?"

Olivia smiled. "Warrant. Jason Cummings. We need to search his trailer. We have his DNA from the victim, and she's ID'd him from a line-up."

"That's good enough for me. Wait there, Petrovsky's in a good mood today. Be right back. Help yourself to coffee."

Olivia settled in a chair with her mug, enjoying the first chance she had had all day to relax for a moment.

Within three minutes, Caryn was back, brandishing the signed warrant.

"Hey, that was quick," Olivia said. "Thanks," she made as if to get up.

"Stay. Just for a few minutes. Wait until you've finished your coffee. I'm betting it's the nearest thing you're getting to lunch today, am I right?"

Olivia smiled ruefully. "Busy day," she admitted, as she sank back gratefully into the chair. "Five minutes, then I really must go."

Caryn nodded. "So how are you, HC? And how's my favorite attorney?"

Olivia smiled. "I'm good. And Alex is doing well. She's so much better. The counselor's really helped, I think."

"She had a rough time," Caryn was unusually thoughtful.

Olivia nodded, blinking away unwanted tears. Any mention of Alex, and she was barely able to control her emotions. "She did," she said. "She really did."

Caryn lifted her own mug. "Here's to Teflon," she smiled.

Olivia lifted her mug in salute. "So how are you?" she asked Caryn. "I've gotta say, Caryn, you're looking good."

"That's because she's spent the last three weeks with the sexiest ADA Texas has ever produced," a familiar voice called from the doorway.

Olivia looked up, startled. "Abbie!" she cried, leaping to her feet and drawing the brunette into a tight hug. "What are you doing here?"

"_Who_ am I doing, don't you mean?" Abbie teased.

Olivia turned to Caryn; for the first time since she had met her, she was not only silent, but she was blushing. "No!" Olivia grinned. "Are you telling me...?"

"That you're not the only one all loved-up?" Abbie's smile was wide. She strode over to Caryn and kissed her soundly on the mouth, leaving no room for misinterpretation. "That's exactly what we're telling you."

Caryn laughed as she slid an arm around Abbie's waist. "I was just about to tell you," she said to Olivia, loving the look on her face. "Turns out I rather like the domestic life after all."

Olivia hugged her hard. "I'm gonna need more details. But I have to run now. I'm so pleased. For you both. I'll call you. You have to come to dinner. Alex is going to _love_ this!"

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Elliot looked at his watch. He smiled as he approached Olivia's desk, her jacket in his hand. "You have to leave," he said, trying to hide a smirk.

"I can't, El. I have all these 5s to do, and the filing isn't going to do itself. I need to get this all cleared tonight."

"I know," Elliot agreed, good-naturedly. "And that's why I'm staying to finish it all. Right now, Liv, you need to head home. Either that, or Alex is gonna have my ass in a sling."

Olivia stared at him. "What the hell do you mean?"

"Just this. You go. Now. You can make it up to me. Right now, I'm too scared of your fiancée to let you stay a moment longer," he was smiling.

"What's going on, Elliot?"

"She didn't tell me. But she did tell me I had to get you out of the door at 6.30pm. And," he looked at his watch, "it's 6.31pm now. Go."

Olivia smiled. "If you're sure," she said, pleasure building in her. She had no idea what Alex had planned, but just the fact that she felt up to planning a surprise for her was good news. Over the past ten days, Alex had made so much progress, and Olivia really felt that she was genuinely starting to recover from her miscarriage and all that went with it.

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At 7.04pm, Olivia let herself into the apartment, having stopped off for a bunch of white roses. She saw Amy and Robyn sitting on the couch, an excited Lily between them.

"Mama!" Lily grinned. "Look!" she pointed at Amy and Robyn.

"Hey, sweet baby," Olivia stroked Lily's cheek. "No," she put a hand on Robyn's shoulder. "You two stay where you are," she leant down, bussing them both on the cheek. "It's lovely to see you. What's going on?"

Amy grinned. "Alex called, asked if we would babysit. And Robyn will take any excuse to spend time with this little one," she smiled at Lily. "So here we are! Alex will be right out."

"Liv?" Alex's voice came from the bedroom. "S'that you?"

"It's me, baby," Olivia replied. She was about to head for the bedroom when Amy caught her hand.

"She wants to surprise you," Amy said.

"Give me a few, I'll be right out," Alex called.

Robyn rose from the couch, and pressed Olivia gently into a chair. "Here," she passed her a small tumbler of malt whisky. "Alex said to give you this."

Olivia smiled. "This is great," she said. "I could get used to this treatment."

"You deserve it," Alex said, as she came into the living room.

Olivia's mouth opened. Alex was dressed to the nines, wearing a beautiful light blue dress that brought out the deep blue of her eyes. She was beautifully made up, and her hair had been lightly curled. Olivia tried to drag her eyes away from the plunging neckline. She met Alex's gaze, and was overjoyed to find her expression serene and happy.

"You are just stunning," Olivia said after a few seconds. "Truly stunning."

"I wanted to look nice for you," Alex smiled.

"You look beautiful. So beautiful. Look, Lily, look at Mommy. Doesn't she look beautiful?"

Lily nodded agreement.

"You look pretty hot yourself, detective," Alex smiled. "And are those for me?" she smiled as she took the bouquet of roses.

Olivia looked down and snorted. She was wearing normal work attire of black pants and a maroon shirt. "I'll get changed," she promised.

"No," Alex whispered. "You look beautiful. Truly. Let me just …," she leaned forward and undid the top button on her shirt. "That's better. Now you are perfect." She reached out and took Olivia's jacket from the hook in the hallway, passing it to her. "Let's go," she smiled.

Olivia grabbed Alex's wrap off the back of the chair. "Will you be warm enough?" she asked.

Alex nodded. "There's a cab waiting for us outside."

"Where are we going?"

"I'm taking my lady to dinner. Are you okay if we leave you?" Alex asked Amy and Robyn.

Amy smiled. "Go! We have everything we need here, don't we Lily?" she stood up, and hefted Lily into her arms. "We're going to have a great time here. We're just about to read stories, aren't we Lily?"

Lily nodded and grinned. "Fireman Sam story!" she demanded. Robyn rolled her eyes in mock impatience.

"C'mon," Alex hooked her arm in Olivia's. "We don't want to be late."

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"This is amazing," Olivia said, swallowing a mouthful of food at their favorite Italian restaurant. She reached out and took Alex's hand. "I can't think of anything nicer."

"I was going to book somewhere fancy," Alex said. "But I decided you'd prefer it here. Was I right, Liv?"

"_So_ right. You know I love it here."

"Me too. I love the atmosphere. And the food," Alex said.

Olivia squeezed her fingers. "What is this all for, Alexandra?" she asked her softly.

Alex looked deep into her eyes. "I want you to know how much I love you. How much I appreciate everything you've been doing for me. I know it's been hard, the last few months, coping with me. But you hung in there."

"There's nowhere else I would ever want to be. Ever. Nothing makes sense without you. _Nothing_. You are everything to me, Alexandra Cabot. And I love you. It's as simple as that."

Alex nodded, swallowing her tears. "I know," she whispered. "I know. And you're everything to me. I just wanted to surprise you, make you happy."

"It worked," Olivia smiled through her own tears. "This is perfect. And we know Lily's having a great evening too, with two of her favorite people. You look so beautiful, Alex. So very beautiful. Sometimes I have to pinch myself, I can't believe you're really mine."

"_All_ yours."

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Olivia hugged Amy and Robyn as they left, and then slid into Lily's room, where Alex was standing, just looking at their daughter who was sleeping soundly.

"She's a little girl now," Alex whispered, as she leant back into Olivia, who wrapped her arms around her waist. "She's not a baby any more. _Our_ little girl," she smiled. "I would love us to have more kids," she turned in Olivia's embrace and looked up at her. "One way or another. But if we can't, this is enough. You, me, Lily. We're already so blessed."

Olivia leant in and kissed her tenderly, whimpering with pleasure as Alex responded.

After making out for a few minutes, Alex pulled back reluctantly. She took Olivia by the hand, and led her to the bedroom. "Make love to me," she asked.

"Are you sure?" Olivia knew that sex had not been high on Alex's list of priorities in recent months.

"More sure than I have ever been," Alex pulled Olivia's leather jacket down her arms. She kissed her passionately.

Their lovemaking was so tender and sweet that Olivia found herself overwhelmed as she snuggled in Alex's arms afterward. "I want to stay here for ever," she whispered. "I never want to leave your arms. I feel so … safe … with you. I'm only ever really 'home' when I'm with you."

Alex kissed her very softly. "I feel the exact same way," she said softly. "This is pretty damned perfect, huh?"

Olivia nodded as she started to drift off. "My Alexandra," she whispered.

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"I told you we should have come earlier," Olivia said as they hunted for their Christmas tree.

"If we had, Lily would be so overexcited by the time Christmas comes, she'd be ready to explode," Alex said mildly. "Let's face it, Liv, ten days of this," she pointed to Lily's enraptured face, "is going to be hard enough!"

Olivia's features softened. "She does look excited," she said. "You're right. As always," she laughed, kissing her softly. "Hey," she reached behind a stack of trees, "this one is just right. Not too big, not too small."

Alex nodded. "What do you think, chipmunk?" she asked their daughter.

"Real big, Mommy," Lily said, in awe.

"Will it fit on the car, Liv?"

"We'll make sure it does," Olivia smiled, as she caught the attention of the sales assistant. "We'll take this one, please."

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"I hope there'll be a tree at the cabin," Olivia mused as she hung the last bauble on the tree late that night.

"Oh there will be," Alex reassured her. "I've already spoken to Carolyn about that. I've told her we have to have a tree, and there has to be mulled wine."

"You don't even like mulled wine!" Olivia laughed.

Alex smiled. "I know. But I like the smell of it on the stove. It's part of Christmas. It's traditional. Didn't you have any Christmas traditions that didn't make any sense?"

Olivia's face clouded over. "Not really," she said, trying to keep her voice even.

"I never asked," Alex said softly, taking her in her arms. "I am an idiot. You didn't have any traditions at all, did you?" she ran her hand through her short hair.

"Not really," Olivia said again. "Christmas was never … we didn't …," she tried to find the words.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. We'll make our own traditions, huh? From now on, Benson Christmases will be the best." She cupped Olivia's face, and kissed her deeply.

Olivia smiled. "I love you so much," she said.

"I wanna make a new tradition right now," Alex's eyes lit up with pleasure. "I know she's asleep, but I want to wake Lily up, and show her the tree. We can tell her Santa's elves came to decorate it. My Dad did that for me one year, and I can still remember him holding me in his arms as I looked at the tree. It was magical. I believed every word. Can we Liv? Please?"

Olivia couldn't say no to her girlfriend. "I think that's a great idea."

"I want you to do it," Alex said, her voice betraying the emotion she felt. "I want to watch you telling Lily all about the elves."

Olivia nodded. "Come with me?" she reached out and took Alex's hand.

"Hey, sweet baby," Olivia knelt by Lily's head. She stroked her hair gently. "We want to show you something."

Lily awoke, and peered blearily at her mothers. "Mama?" her voice was rough with sleep.

"Hi peanut," Olivia pulled the child to her, her heart filling with pleasure at the feel of their warm sleepy daughter in her arms. "I want you to come with us. We had a visit from Santa's elves, while Mommy and I were in the kitchen."

Lily looked up, her eyes opening wide in anticipation.

Alex grabbed the soft blanket from the chair in Lily's room and wrapped it round her, so that she was swaddled warmly in Olivia's arms. The small family made their way into the living room. The lights were off, the only illumination in the room the lights on the tree. Olivia almost believed that the tree and its decorations were magical; it looked otherwordly, twinkling in the corner of the room. "See, baby?" Olivia whispered.

"Is it real Mama?" Lily asked, in awe.

"It is real, baby. And the elves did it just for you. Do you like it baby?"

"It's magic," Lily said.

"It is, Lily," Alex whispered to her.

"You should hold her too," Olivia said quietly, not wanting to dispel the special moment.

"All together," Alex said, pushing Olivia and her daughter toward the couch. The three of them snuggled together in the dark room. Alex stroked Lily's back as she fell to sleep again in Olivia's arms, her thumb in her mouth. She looked up and saw tears glistening on Olivia's face. She reached out and wiped them away gently. "She'll always remember tonight," Alex whispered to Olivia.

"So will I," Olivia said shakily. "So will I."

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"I _have_ to go," Caryn laughed as Abbie tried to pull her back onto the bed. "_Some_ of us have a job to go to," she teased the brunette.

"I'm taking a sabbatical," Abbie laughed. She succeeded in pulling Caryn to her. She reached out, toying with her blonde locks. "God you're sexy," she said, her voice lowering.

Caryn leant forward and kissed her passionately. After a few minutes, she pulled back. "I _have_ to get in the shower," she insisted. "Or Donnelly will have my ass."

"Only I get to see your ass," Abbie said saucily.

"Rain check?"

"Definitely. I'll be thinking of you all day. Hey," Abbie said, "I'll even cook you dinner."

"Oh please God no," Caryn said. "I love you, Abigail Carmichael. But you can't cook for shit."

"Nor can you," Abbie mock-pouted.

"Let me take you to dinner," Caryn agreed with her lover's assessment of her culinary skills.

"Take-out," Abbie compromised. "If I have to keep my hands off you all day, there's no way I'll have the self-control to behave in a restaurant."

"Deal," Caryn kissed her again. "You want to shower with me?"

"I thought you were in a hurry?"

"I have fifteen minutes to spare," Caryn's eyes sparkled with humor and lust.

Abbie scrambled off the bed.

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"We understand, Pop. In fact, we think it's a great idea," Jay put her hand out over the table to take her father's. "Yes, we'll miss you. It'll be weird, this'll be the first Christmas I've spent without you. But it's great that you're going to meet Vanessa's daughter."

Vanessa approached the table in the café. "Has he told you?" she peered anxiously at Jay and Sarah.

"He has," Sarah said. She smiled warmly at Vanessa. "We think it sounds wonderful. Maybe next year she'll come here, huh? We'd like to meet her one day."

"She'd love to meet you too," Vanessa smiled in relief. "I just don't want you to think I'm taking your Dad away from you, Jake."

Jay smiled. "Just promise me we'll do something at New Year's."

"That's all organized," Joe said. "We're inviting you all to our place."

"All?" Jay asked.

"You two, of course. And Olivia, Alex and Lily. And Carolyn. And we wondered if your new friends would like to come too? We're having fireworks at midnight."

"That sounds wonderful, Pop. We'd love to come. We'll check with the others."

"Alex has already said she and Olivia are coming with Lily," Joe said.

"We can't wait. And we'll call you Christmas Day," Jay promised, as she drew her father into a tight hug.

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"Abbie?" Caryn awoke to find the bed empty. She peered at her watch; 4.06am. She heard the toilet flush, and looked up to see a shaky Abbie emerge from the bathroom.

She got out of bed and went over to her lover. Abbie was white and pallid, and seemed unsteady on her feet. Caryn slid an arm around her waist and led her to the bed. She wrapped the quilt around her, concerned to feel her trembling. "Abbie?" she said gently, as she smoothed damp hair from her forehead.

Abbie looked anguished. "M'okay," she mumbled.

"You're not okay," Caryn said gently. "You're sick."

Abbie shook her head. "I'm not sick. I don't think so anyway."

Caryn cupped her chin, pulling her face gently upward so that she could see into her eyes. "You _are_ sick, honey. You're as white as milk," she wiped a telltale smear of toothpaste from the corner of her mouth.

Abbie's face crumpled, and a fat tear rolled down her cheek. She gulped. "It's all wrong," she whispered. "Everything's wrong."

Caryn had never seen Abbie like this. The usually confident, swaggering attorney had gone, and in her place was this small, trembling, fearful person. "What's gone wrong?" she asked softly. "Whatever it is, we'll fix it."

"I can't believe it's happened. I only slept with him three times," Abbie started to sob.

"I know you did, honey. You told me. It's okay. I slept with lots of people too. It's what happens from now on that counts."

"I'm pregnant," Abbie said, bluntly.

Caryn gasped in shock.

Abbie's sobbing intensified.

Caryn tried to put her arm around Abbie's shoulders, but Abbie shook her off. "No!" she snapped. "You won't want me now. I'm having his baby. Christ, just when everything was so perfect. I can't believe this is happening."

Caryn sat next to her on the bed, and took both hands firmly in her own. "Look at me," she said, gently. "Look at me, Carmichael. Yes, this is unexpected. But don't you see? It's the most wonderful thing in the world," she chafed her cold fingers.

Abbie looked at her, startled. "But it's his baby," she repeated.

"Well I didn't think it was mine," Caryn smiled. "Though God knows with all the sex we've been having, anything could be possible. Abbie, don't you get it yet? I love you, honey. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Never. And I want to be with you for ever. I want everything with you. Nobody else. I want to grow old with you. And above everything else, I want a family with you. So maybe this is a little ahead of schedule, but it's amazing. It's wonderful. My beautiful girlfriend is having a baby," she reached out and pressed a hand gently against Abbie's flat stomach. "There's a little Carmichael in here, just waiting."

Abbie's sobbing slowed. "Do you mean that? Can you really mean that?" for the first time since she had felt her tender breasts earlier that evening, she had hope.

"More than anything. You said you wanted a family. You were trying for kids. Well, my darling, it's happened."

"But that was then. I was trying to make a life without you. I thought maybe kids would make up for not having you."

"Well now you have me. Don't you want this baby?" Caryn realized she hadn't asked Abbie how she felt about it.

"More than almost anything," Abbie whispered. "Just not more than I want you."

"Well you have us both," Caryn whispered. She kissed her softly. "Hey," she realized. "We're going to be mommies. When did you take the test?"

"I haven't taken it yet. But I've been feeling sick for a few days, and my breasts are real tender. I just know I'm pregnant."

Caryn was on her feet, and started pulling jeans over her pajamas.

"What are you doing?"

"All-night pharmacy," Caryn grinned. "I'll be back in ten minutes. Meanwhile, _you_ can make some cocoa. I have a suspicion we're gonna want to celebrate, and you won't be having any champagne for at least nine months."

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"Next time, I want marshmallows," Caryn chuckled as she sipped at her hot chocolate. She lay on the couch, Abbie snuggled tight into her. "I wonder what he's going to be like?"

"It could be a she," Abbie reminded her, as she stroked her belly. "It could even be twins," she winked as she saw Caryn blanch.

Caryn leant down and kissed her. "You taste all chocolatey," she teased.

"You too," Abbie smiled. Her face darkened a little. "I should tell him," she whispered.

Caryn nodded. "I agree," she said, surprising Abbie. She looked at her face. "You say he's a good guy. I think it'll be good for the baby to know where he, or she, comes from. As long as he won't want custody."

"He wouldn't do anything to hurt me," Abbie said. "But it would be good for this one to know who Daddy is."

"Daddy and both mommies," Caryn said, smiling.

"You really want to do this with me?" Abbie looked at her in wonder. She couldn't believe that the invincible Caryn Wright, who always fought shy of any type of relationship, wanted this.

"More than anything. You just need to look at Teflon to see how good it can be. I can't wait."

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"Over here," Sarah gestured to the kitchen counter, as Jay lugged the huge turkey across the cabin's kitchen.

"I swear you bought an ostrich rather than a turkey," Jay grumbled as she hauled the huge bird onto the counter.

"You won't be complaining when you smell it tomorrow morning," Sarah cupped her face and kissed her tenderly.

"When do Alex and Olivia get here?" Jay asked.

"Any minute now," Sarah looked at her watch. "Do we have everything ready?" She looked round, and smiled at the sight that met her. The kitchen was fully stocked with all the festive goodies imaginable, and even the mulled wine sat ready on the stove.

Jay smiled, her arms around Sarah's waist. "The fire is lit in the living room, and your Mom is putting the finishing touches to the tree. It's like a picture postcard in there."

Sarah smiled. "I should just check their rooms," she said.

Jay shook her head. "No need. Your Mom's done all that. The beds are made, she's put a baby monitor in Lily's room so they can hear her. Towels are out, the rooms are nice and warm, that wood-burning stove is amazing. Everything's just perfect."

"This is going to be such a great Christmas," Sarah whispered, running her fingers lightly down her lover's soft cheek.

"The best ever," Jay agreed, leaning in for a kiss.


	19. Chapter 19

"They're here!" Carolyn cried in delight, as she spotted her sister's car from the kitchen window. She dried her hands, and ran out to greet them.

The scene that followed was one of fun and laughter, as Alex and Olivia got out of the car. Carolyn went straight to the back seat to free Lily from her child seat, hugging her tight as she pulled her out.

Within minutes, Carolyn was proudly showing the cabin to her sister and her family, never once letting go of little Lily's hand. "And this is your room, Lily," Carolyn knelt at her level. "Do you like it?"

Lily's face lit up at the sight of the child-friendly room. The bed linen was printed with cartoon characters, and there was a small bookshelf groaning with all of Lily's favorite books, and many she didn't have. There was a huge teddy in the corner of the room, which attracted Lily's attention. She looked up at Carolyn, not sure what she was allowed to touch. "It's all yours, Lily," Carolyn said, smiling widely as Lily toddled over to the big teddy to give it a huge hug.

"It's bigger than she is," Alex smiled.

"She'll grow into it," Carolyn smiled back. She took Alex's hand. "I'm so pleased you're all here," she said softly.

Alex smiled back. "We are too," she said.

"It's a beautiful place," Olivia said. "I had no idea it was so big. It's just lovely, all that wood. And these fireplaces," she grinned. There was a fireplace in three of the bedrooms, as well as the enormous one in the living room. She was looking forward to that night; she could just imagine how beautiful Alex was going to look in the glow of the firelight.

"Come let me show you the lake. And let me show you how to operate the gate. I've checked all the fencing, everything's secure for Lily, she won't be able to get to the waterside without someone opening the gate for her. Although of course it's too cold right now to play in the yard!" she laughed. "But in the summer, it'll be safe."

When they returned to the kitchen, Sarah was at the stove, stirring a stew. "I hope you're hungry," she laughed. "I think I may have made too much."

"Starving!" Alex declared, as she peered over Sarah's shoulder. "That looks wonderful," she sneaked a taste. "Delicious."

Olivia turned away, trying to hide her emotions. It seemed that, at long last, Alex had regained her appetite. For what seemed like months, she had struggled to eat, and had become gaunt and drawn. But she had put at least half of the weight back on, and Olivia hoped that the Christmas period would help her return to her former glorious figure.

Alex saw Olivia's expression. She caught her eye, and smiled. "I love you," she mouthed.

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"I can't believe she went down so easily," Alex said, as she came back into their bedroom having settled Lily in bed.

"I think that'll be the last time for _years_," Olivia smiled. "She's still not completely sure what Christmas is all about. But next year, she's gonna be a terror!"

Alex grinned. "Yeah. She is, isn't she?" She threw an extra log on the fire before she slid into bed next to Olivia. "I love a real fire," she said softly.

"Me too," Olivia agreed. "We'll have to make sure we're careful when Lily's in here with us. And in the living room."

"I can't wait to see her face tomorrow," Alex said.

"I'll hang her stocking soon," Olivia told her. She turned to Alex. "I'm glad we decided not to spoil her," they had agreed to buy Lily only some small presents, as well as a small indoor trampoline. "We don't want her to turn into a brat."

"She always loves whatever we buy her," Alex said. "Remember how excited she was over that teddy Carolyn got?"

"That was so kind of her. Did you see all the work that's gone into that room? It was freshly painted, the only room in the whole cabin that has been completely decorated."

"She said she's going to do the whole place. I guess she started with the most important room!" Alex smiled.

"This is great," Olivia pulled Alex to her, unable to stop herself smiling as Alex snuggled into her. "We're gonna have such a good day."

Alex nodded.

Olivia looked at her carefully. "And how are _you_ doing, baby?" she asked gently.

Alex looked up at her, seeing the love and compassion in Olivia's deep, brown eyes. "I'm doing good," she said. "It's all going to be okay."

"I just wondered … with Abbie's news …," Olivia was reluctant to broach the subject.

Alex nodded. "It was hard to hear," she admitted honestly. "I hope I covered up okay. I mean, it's great news for Abbie and Caryn. The best. I'm so pleased for them. But a small part of me was jealous. _Is_ jealous. And a little sad. That's so mean of me, huh?"

"Not mean, sweetheart. It makes sense. If I'm honest, I feel that way too. I remember how excited we were when Lily was on the way. And," she swallowed, and placed a soft hand on Alex's stomach, "when _you_ got pregnant. Neither of us ever thought it could go wrong. You've been amazing, Alexandra. I know how hard this has been for you."

"For you too," Alex's voice cracked.

"But especially for you. You're so strong, Alex. You're the strongest woman I know."

Alex reached up and cupped Olivia's warm cheek. She kissed her, softly. She let her hand fall lower, and caressed her breast, teasing the nipple with deft fingers. "Go hang that stocking now," Alex's voice became husky. "I have plans for you."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Alex growled. "And they don't involve these pajamas," she tugged at Olivia's pajama top. "Lock the door on your way back in."

When Olivia returned a couple of minutes later, her mouth went dry at the sight of a completely naked Alex sitting up on the bed. Olivia gazed openly at her, drinking in the tantalizing sight. "I was right," she said, her voice cracking.

Alex smiled. "Oh yeah?"

"About the firelight. About how you'd look," she sat on the bed, and kissed Alex deeply, moaning at the sensation of her soft lips and luscious tongue. "You're so beautiful," she cupped a soft breast, smiling at the rock-hard peak at its center. She leant down and let her tongue swirl erotically around the nipple, smiling when she heard Alex's deep groan of desire. She closed her lips around the nipple and suckled gently, eliciting a sharp gasp. "You like that?" she teased.

Alex was speechless. She slid her hand around the back of Olivia's head, and pulled her to her again, demanding her sweet mouth on her breast. Olivia didn't disappoint; she alternately licked and suckled, letting her hand toy with the other breast.

Alex could feel her nerve endings zinging at the touch of her talented lover. "Off," she gasped desperately, tugging at Olivia's pajama top, trying to drag it over her head but at the same time reluctant to allow Olivia's mouth to leave her breast.

Olivia laughed and leaned back, dragging the garment off in one swift movement. She felt Alex's trembling fingers at her waistband, pushing past the elastic to reach their goal.

Their lovemaking lasted for hours. It was after 1am when Olivia collapsed against Alex, breathless and laughing. "No more," she begged. "I think you've broken me."

"Too much for you detective?" Alex teased, her breathing still erratic.

Olivia grinned as she pinned Alex to the bed. She kissed her deeply, with a passion that she had only discovered lay within her when she fell in love with Alex. "Never," she replied, when she eventually pulled back. She lay down again, resting her head against Alex's breast. She placed her hand on her warm stomach.

Without dislodging Olivia, Alex reached over to the nightstand and grabbed her glasses. She peered at her watch, and smiled slowly. "It's Christmas," she said softly. "Happy Christmas, my love," she let her hand play in Olivia's soft hair.

Olivia leaned up on one elbow. She kissed Alex, softly this time, taking her time. "Happy Christmas, Alexandra."

"I want you to open my gift," Alex said. "I don't want you to open it in front of the others tomorrow. Just you and me, now. Can we do that?"

"We can do whatever you want," Olivia smiled lazily.

Alex's face fell. "Damn, I left it by the tree."

"I left your gift there too," Olivia said. "I'll go get them. What does it look like?"

"Small-ish. Green paper. With a silver bow," Alex told her. She grinned as Olivia headed for the door. "And Liv?"

Olivia turned.

"Robe?" Alex suggested. "You look spectacular naked, but ..."

Olivia giggled as she reached out for the nearest robe, which turned out to be Alex's. She tied it tightly at her waist. In a moment she was back, clutching two gift-wrapped packages. She stopped to throw another couple of logs on the fire.

"You first," Olivia said, as she thrust her package at Alex.

Alex's eyes lit up with pleasure. It was fairly clear what type of gift the parcel contained, but she shook it playfully, and held it to her ear. "It's a vacuum cleaner," she teased.

"Try again," Olivia said, dryly.

"A billiard table? An espresso machine?"

"Open it Cabot," Olivia instructed.

Very carefully, Alex laid the parcel on the bed, and started to unwrap it slowly, making sure not to tear the wrapping paper.

Alex's approach to gifts made Olivia laugh. She would always take the greatest care with the paper, folding it and laying it to one side before she even looked at the gift, her approach vastly different to Olivia, who just tore at the paper impatiently. But this time, Alex pulled the paper to one side, and was distracted by its contents. She stared. She looked at Olivia. She placed a soft hand on the book. "To Kill a Mockingbird," she whispered. She stroked the pristine book jacket. "This is real old," she said.

"First edition," Olivia said softly. "Signed, too," she couldn't keep the pride out of her voice. She had spent months tracking down the pristine copy, and she had spent more money than she had ever spent in her life.

Alex's eyes filled with tears. "This is insane," she whispered. "This book … it's the reason I became a lawyer. That, and my Dad. And he bought me my first copy."

"I know," Olivia said.

"I hate to think how much this cost you," Alex knew that Olivia still stubbornly refused to draw on their nest egg for anything other than Sarah's education and, recently, Alex's medical bills. She knew that she would have had to save for months to pay for the book.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's amazing, and perfect, and precious. Like you," Alex leant forward and kissed her. "I can't believe you did this. Where did you find it?"

"The internet is a wonderful thing," Olivia smiled. "It led me to a rare bookshop on the outskirts of the city."

Alex nodded, tears of joy falling down her face. "Thank you," she said, with utter sincerity. "I love you."

Olivia smiled.

Alex shook herself. "Your turn," she passed Olivia's parcel to her.

Olivia tore at the paper, and brought out an antique silver photo frame, the most beautiful one she had ever seen. In the frame, was a photo that could only have been taken a week ago, when they had gone to the park with Lily and Sarah and Jay. She hadn't even known it was being taken, but she remembered exactly when it was. She had been playing with Lily, and had lost her balance, falling on her butt in the damp leaves. Lily had found this hilarious, even more so when Olivia grabbed at her and pulled her down with her. When Alex had approached, to try and help them up, Olivia had been unable to resist the devilment, and she had pulled her down with them. For long minutes, all three had laughed, and hugged, and laughed some more, getting dirtier as each moment passed.

The photo caught the moment of sheer joy that the whole family was sharing, and Olivia just knew that Jay had taken it. She looked up at Alex. Alex's face was filled with emotion. "This was when I knew," Olivia said softly, her fingers running over the picture of Alex in the frame.

"Knew what, baby?"

"I knew then that you were going to be okay. It had been such a long time since you had had any fun, any real happiness. But here you are, mud on your cheek, with your daughter clambering over both of us."

"That coat was ruined," Alex pretended to be pissed.

"Yeah," Olivia said happily.

"It was worth it," Alex whispered.

"I didn't know Jay had taken that picture," Olivia said.

"She's such a great photographer."

"I've never seen such a good photograph of us all. Look at Lily," she touched her face through the glass. "She's having such a wonderful time."

"You didn't open the envelope," Alex pointed to an envelope that had fallen out of the package. It had 'Olivia' written on it in Alex's distinctive handwriting.

"What's this?"

"A vacuum cleaner?" Alex's eyes twinkled. "Open it, detective."

Olivia opened the envelope, and a photocopied sheet of paper fell out. She picked it up and started to read. Her eyes widened. She looked over at Alex. She looked at the paper again. "Oh my," she whispered. "I can't believe it," she flung her arms around her lover. In her hand, was the paper, which held the legal declaration of Alex's name change. She was no longer Alexandra Cabot. She had changed her name to Alexandra Benson.

"Do you like it?" Alex whispered.

Olivia nodded yes through her tears.

"One day, I'm going to be your wife. But I can't wait to take your name. I want everyone to know that I'm with you. That I'm yours. And you're mine."

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"Hey, sleepyheads," Sarah grinned as Alex and Olivia emerged from their bedroom just after 9am on Christmas morning. "Merry Christmas!" she went over and hugged them both firmly.

"I thought Lily would be up by now," Olivia said, as she gratefully accepted a cup of coffee.

"She's been up for two hours. Jay's giving her her bath," Carolyn emerged from the kitchen, smiling as she embraced them both.

"How come we didn't hear her?" Alex wondered.

"I was walking past her room when she woke," Sarah said. "We switched off the monitor. We thought you would enjoy a chance to lie in for once."

"What can we do to help?" Alex asked, already smelling a hint of turkey.

"You can dress your daughter," Jay grinned as she came into the room, bearing a swaddled Lily.

"Mommy!" Lily put her arms out to Alex.

Alex took her from Jay, kissing the young firefighter on the cheek as she did so. Alex hugged Lily. "Merry Christmas, munchkin," she said, as she held her tight. "Did you have a nice bath?"

"There are ducks in the tub!" Lily said excitedly.

"Ducks?" Olivia laughed.

"Rubber ducks," Jay clarified. "Sarah brought them along. Says you can't possibly enjoy a bath without rubber ducks!"

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"We should phone Olivia and Alex," Rosie smiled as her wife passed her a mug of coffee. "We promised Gracie she could speak to them on Christmas Day."

"She's seeing them in four days," Melinda smiled. "When they come for dinner."

Rosie sipped at her coffee, her features relaxing as the caffeine kicked in. "She's looking good now, isn't she? Alex, I mean."

Melinda nodded. "She's going to be okay. It's been a real crappy time for them. They'd only just gotten over Olivia's stabbing, and then they lose the baby. No wonder Alex was so unhappy."

"She's still seeing the counselor?"

"Every week," Melinda said. "She promised Olivia that she'd keep going for as long as the counselor recommended it. She's still on the pills too, Olivia says."

"Do you think she still needs them?" Rosie mused.

"They take weeks to even start to have an effect. It's sensible to be on them for a few months. Once the counselor think it's a good idea, she'll go back to the doctor and talk about a phased withdrawal."

"We're so lucky," Rosie said. "We've never had to cope with that. I wonder how it would be."

"Terrible. But it happens."

"I want us to have another baby," Rosie said suddenly.

Melinda started. "I thought you only wanted two," she said.

"I thought so too. But three would be even better," Rosie said, a smile on her face. "Don't you think?"

Melinda smiled. "Really?" she asked. "Can we really cope with all that again? All those sleepless nights? Katie's finally sleeping properly, and you want to upset everything all over again?"

Rosie nodded, grinning. "More than anything," she said. "If you do."

"Let me think about it," Melinda found herself coming round to the idea. "We need to talk. We can't just jump into this. And you know it would have to be you, don't you? I'm 41 now."

"I'm fine with it being me. In fact, I'd rather like it to be me. I loved being pregnant."

"You didn't love the first three months," Melinda reminded her.

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"This isn't fair," Abbie said weakly, as Caryn helped her carefully to her feet.

Caryn set her on the stool in the bathroom, and wet a washcloth with warm water. She wiped her face tenderly. "The baby doesn't know it's Christmas Day," she said, trying not to smile.

"Great," Abbie said bitterly. "Our baby's gonna be dumb."

Caryn smiled. "Our baby's gonna be perfect," she told her.

"We haven't had sex in twelve days!" Abbie blurted out. "I don't think I've gone without sex for twelve days since I was 16!"

"We'll get it back," Caryn tried not to laugh at her lover's indignation.

"Nobody told me it was gonna be like this," Abbie grumbled.

"You'd never heard of morning sickness?" Caryn teased.

"Morning sickness, sure. Relentless, evil, all-consuming morning noon and night sickness, not so much," Abbie paled suddenly, and lurched for the toilet bowl once more.

"Three months is nearly up," Caryn soothed, as she held her hair and rubbed her back soothingly. "It should get better real soon."

"It had damned well better," Abbie said when she eventually rocked back on her heels. "And you're doing _all_ the diapers."

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Alex reached out across the dinner table, and touched Olivia's hand. "Look," she said quietly, nodding toward Lily.

Lily was struggling to stay awake, and her head kept dipping and jerking upright.

"I can't believe it, she usually starts fussing well before she gets this tired," Olivia smiled as they watched her.

"She doesn't want to miss out on the fun," Alex said, with a grin. "Hey, chipmunk," she got up and lifted their daughter under her arms. She held her to her, hugging her tight.

"No," Lily struggled, desperate to stay up with all her favorite people.

"It's okay baby, it's not time for bed yet. Why don't you come sit in my lap?" Alex suggested gently.

Lily looked at her suspiciously, then smiled. She loved sitting in one or other of her mothers' laps at the dinner table, and knew it was a special treat. She nodded, happily.

As dinner continued, Lily slowly drifted off, snuggling into Alex's warm front. True to her word, Alex held her in her arms for the next three hours, moving her to the couch once dinner was over.

"That's a sneaky trick," Olivia poked Alex playfully in the back.

Alex looked up, her face a picture of innocence. "Getting out of the dishes," Olivia clarified, mock-pouting when Alex gave her a satisfied smile.

Just after 9pm, Olivia took Lily from Alex's arms. "Bedtime, baby girl," she whispered, as she carried her to her room.

Fifteen minutes later, Olivia returned to the living room, where a Trivial Pursuits tournament was being planned. "I'm on Carolyn's team," she declared. "Sarah and Jay can play together, and you, Mrs Smartypants Lawyer, can play on your own."

Alex grinned. "I'm watching you, Benson," she said. "I know how you like to cheat."

"Me?" Olivia looked the picture of innocence. "Never."

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"I can't believe you beat us all. Twice," Olivia grumbled as they cleared up the game.

Jay grinned. "We firefighters have hidden depths," she said.

"I never knew you were such an expert on art," Carolyn said. "You'll have to come to the gallery when we open."

"Oh I'll be there all the time," Jay smiled. "I love art."

"That's why your photography is so good," Carolyn said.

"Hey, you haven't seen!" Olivia remembered. She went to their room and came back bearing the photo frame. "Isn't this amazing?"

Jay blushed. "Only because the subjects are so beautiful," she said, shyly.

Impulsively, Olivia drew her into a hug.

"You need to see this too," Olivia said more quietly, taking Carolyn to one side. "I hope you don't mind," she passed her the photocopy that Alex had given her.

Carolyn read the paper closely, a wide smile crossing her features. "Why would I mind? You know how much I love you, Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "I know, but … with you being a Cabot again. I don't want you to think she's rejecting you. It's not like that."

"Oh you're such a sweetheart. I can see this for what it is. It's a declaration of absolute love. For you. For your daughter. For your family."

"_You're_ part of the family too," Olivia urged. "All three of you."

"We know that," Carolyn smiled. "Parts of this year have been awful. Dreadful. I thought I was losing everything. Including my mind. But it doesn't compare to what I've gained; I've got my daughter and my sister back. And I have you, and Lily, and Jay. You've given me so much."

Olivia blinked back her tears. She squeezed her hand. "So you think you're gonna like the gallery?" she changed the subject. "What's your boss like?"

"Roger? He's wonderful. He says he's wanted to set up a gallery for 20 years, but he never had the courage. But when he hit 70, he realized it was now or never. He's so enthusiastic. I think we're going to work real well together. I can't wait until we open."

"Have you got a date yet?" Alex came across, hearing the last part of the conversation.

"17th January. We have so much to do before then. It's going to be wonderful," Carolyn had a spark in her eyes that had been missing far too often in recent months.

"I hope we're invited," Alex fixed her with a stern look.

"You all are," Carolyn said. "You four, and Lily too, of course. Roger wants to meet her. I think maybe I talk about her too much."

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"It's okay, Liv likes packing the car," Alex said, with a grin. "You hold on to Lily, we'll be ready real soon. You're okay with your Auntie Caro, aren't you, peanut?" she touched her face lovingly. Lily yawned. "I think we've worn her out," Alex smiled. "You haven't really woken up yet today, have you baby girl? That's okay, you can sleep in the car. And then you can stay awake all night tonight, and drive us crazy," she anticipated ruefully.

With a half hour, the car was packed and ready to go.

"Are you sure you don't mind giving me a ride?" Carolyn asked.

"Of course we don't mind," Olivia said. "It'll be nice for me. Alex sits in the back with Lily, I get lonesome up front. And it'll be great for the girls to have a few days on their own in the cabin. They don't often get the chance to be alone together, with Jay's shifts."

The family all hugged. "We'll see you in three days," Jay said. "We can't miss Pop's New Years, he'll never forgive us."

Carolyn hugged her tight once more. "I swear you are the best thing that ever happened to Sarah," she whispered, pulling away and climbing into the car before a startled Jay had the chance to respond.

"What did she say?" Sarah asked, after they had waved off the packed car. She could see that Jay had been shocked by something her mother had said to her.

Jay looked at her, trying to blink the tears from her eyes. "It doesn't matter," she whispered. "But I know she's accepted me. And she's accepted you too, sweetheart," she kissed her softly. "For who you are. Not who she had expected you to be."

Sarah took her by the hand. "I wonder if she'd be so happy if she knew that I'm planning to spent at least 71 out of the next 72 hours in bed with you," she pulled Jay inside the house.

"I don't think any mother needs to know that," Jay grinned. "God, we have all this to come, worrying about our kids having sex."

"Not until they are at least 30!" Sarah declared firmly, before bursting out laughing.


	20. Chapter 20

"I can't believe she's still asleep," Olivia said over her shoulder to Alex, who was sitting next to Lily. "We've been on the road for nearly two hours."

"She's looking real pale," Alex voiced the thought that had been worrying her since they had set off. Lily often slept in the car, but it was now 11am, and by this point in the day, she was usually full of beans, and chattering away. "I hope she's not coming down with something." She touched her cheek. "She feels a little warm."

"We'll be home in three hours," Olivia said, looking worriedly at her daughter in the rear-view mirror. "Maybe she's just tired."

"I hope so," Alex said quietly. She reached for the blanket they kept in the car, and tucked it round their daughter, smiling as Lily snuggled into it in her sleep. "Shh, peanut," she whispered. "You sleep, baby. It's all okay."

"Don't bother with dropping me off," Carolyn insisted. "I'll get a cab from the city. I don't think you need to be doing any detours today."

"If you're sure," Olivia was grateful for her suggestion.

Lily remained asleep for the rest of the journey, though her sleep was a little restless and she whimpered from time to time.

"She's definitely got a fever," Alex said, as they approached the outskirts of the city. Lily moaned a little at her touch. "Shh, baby girl. It's okay. We'll get you to bed real soon."

Alex unbuckled their daughter, pulling the child into her arms. She smiled at Olivia as she opened all the doors for them. Soon, she was seated on the couch, holding a snuffling Lily close to her.

Olivia knelt at her feet. She placed her hand on Lily's forehead. "We should take her to the doctor," she said quietly.

Alex nodded agreement, just as Lily started to wake. Lily opened her eyes, startled at the bright light, and immediately buried her face back into Alex's front. She started to cry. "Oh baby, it's okay," Alex whispered. "You're just a little sick right now. We're gonna get you to the doctor, they'll fix you right up."

Lily struggled in her arms, crying harder. "No mommy," she sobbed, clinging to Alex's neck. "Stay here."

Olivia took her phone out of her pocket. "I'm gonna get the doctor to come here. I don't think we should take her out again; the journey really did a number on her. And," she looked out of the window. "It's just started snowing. I think it's going to settle."

Alex nodded. She rocked Lily gently. "There, baby, it's okay. We don't have to go anywhere. Shh, sweetheart. Try and go back to sleep." She pulled the blanket tighter around her.

"What's this?" Olivia asked, touching a mark on her neck. She smiled when she realized. "Oh Alex, no wonder she's feeling bad. I think our little munchkin may have chickenpox."

"Oh poor baby," Alex kissed her forehead softly. "You're feeling lousy, huh? C'mon, Lily, let's get you to bed."

"No," Lily muttered. "No, mommy."

"You wanna stay here?" Olivia asked her quietly. "Stay with mommy for a little while?"

Lily grunted her assent.

"Okay, baby, you two stay here. I'm going to call the doctor, and then I'm going to empty the car."

"Have you had chickenpox Liv?" Alex asked her lover.

Olivia nodded. "You?" she asked.

"I had it when I was seven," Alex said.

"Eight," Carolyn corrected with a smile. "I remember."

"You took care of me," Alex remembered.

Carolyn nodded. "All the Cabot kids had it that year."

"So we don't need to worry about infection?" Alex was relieved. Then she remember. "What about Sarah and Jay?"

"Sarah had it when she was 12. I'll call them when I get home, just to check Jay's all clear."

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"That was mom," Sarah grinned as she rolled back on top of her naked lover. She kissed her soundly. "Wants to know if you've had chickenpox."

Jay smiled. "Why does she want to know that?"

"Poor little Lily has it. Mom wants to make sure you're gonna be okay."

"Text her and tell her not to worry. I had it when I was seventeen," Jay pulled a face. "God, it was awful. Poor Pop had to take time off work to take care of me. I don't think I've ever been so sick, before or since."

"Aww, poor baby," Sarah was already texting. She looked out of the window. "It's snowing," she said, with a wide smile. "We should make a snowman!" she declared, with a smile on her face.

Jay looked out, leaning on one elbow. She nodded. "We will," she agreed. "_First_, Ms Cabot, I have plans for you," she cupped a breast tenderly, and drew Sarah into a passionate kiss. She grinned at the gasp of pleasure she heard from Sarah. She maneuvered her onto her back, and knelt either side of her. She took Sarah's hands, and placed them above her head, pinning them gently to the bed. She leant down and kissed her again. "Oh yes," Jay breathed. "You are going nowhere."

"I thought you liked the snow," Sarah's voice shook with passion.

"I do. But not as much as I like doing _this_," Jay's tongue flicked out, capturing a rock hard nipple. "The snow'll wait for us."

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"It's definitely chickenpox," the doctor smiled, as Alex gathered a whimpering Lily in her arms again, swaddling her in the blanket and holding her tight. "There's not a lot you can do, I'm afraid. Give her these," the doctor was writing in her prescription pad, "to reduce the fever. And you should pick up some calamine lotion, for the spots. Keep her fingernails short, to try and stop the scratching, maybe put some gloves on, if you have any cotton ones. Or even socks, just to keep those little fingers away from the skin," she smiled as she saw how gently Alex was holding the child. "And just keep her hydrated. Any concerns, anything at all, give me a call. She'll be fine. She's just going to be miserable for a few days."

"Thank you so much," Olivia thanked the doctor as she showed her to the door.

"It's going to be okay, peanut," Alex was whispering to their child. "We'll get you feeling all better real soon."

Olivia had already donned her jacket. "I'm heading to the pharmacy; I'll be back real soon."

Alex nodded and smiled. "Thank you," she mouthed, smiling as Lily started to settle in her arms.

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Jay smiled as she rolled off Sarah. Her stomach rumbled loudly, making them both laugh. Sarah peered at the clock on the nightstand. "3pm," she said. "No wonder we're hungry. Stay there, I'll make us some lunch," she hopped out of bed and grabbed her robe.

Ten minutes later, Jay followed her into the kitchen, smiling at the delicious aroma from her girlfriend's cooking. She put her arms around her waist from behind, peering into the pan Sarah was stirring. "That looks delicious," she said, kissing her on her long neck.

"The food?" Sarah teased.

"Not just the food," Jay's hands crept up from her waist, cupping her full breasts from behind.

Sarah slapped her hands away. "You," she declared, "are insatiable. Make yourself useful, get some plates out."

"Yes, ma'am," Jay saluted comically.

"And Jay?" Sarah's eyes twinkled.

Jay turned back.

"You look great. You really do. But wear a robe at least. Please?"

"Any particular reason?" Jay teased.

Sarah swallowed and looked away. "I don't want you to get cold."

Jay sauntered to the bedroom, returning a moment later in loose pajamas and a robe. She dropped a couple more logs on the fire in the living room. She smiled as Sarah brought the full plates to the table, returning to the kitchen for the basket of rolls. "This place is amazing," she said softly to Sarah once she sat down.

Sarah nodded. "It's the best Christmas ever. And the best _post_-Christmas too," she smiled. She laid a hand over Jay's. "I could stay here for ever. I have all I need right here."

"Me too," Jay smiled. "You. _Great_ food. A big bed. What more could a girl want?!"

"I still wanna build that snowman," Sarah reminded her, only half-joking.

"Okay, we'll build a snowman," Jay smiled.

By 5pm, the large snowman was completed, and a soaked Jay and Sarah came back into the cabin to dry out. Sarah had pretended to be offended when Jay had thrown the first snowball, and had taken advantage of her girlfriend's contrition to catch her off guard and drop a large handful of snow down the front of her shirt. After that, things had deteriorated, and now they were both soaked to the skin, with snow melting in places that snow had no business being.

They made their reluctant way back to the cabin to dry off and warm up, hand in hand. Jay ran hot water into the large tub in the bathroom, while Sarah deployed their wet clothes on the backs of chairs in front of the fire to dry off. She entered the bathroom, to find Jay lighting candles. Jay helped her carefully into the tub, making sure that neither of them got too close to any of the candles. They lay together in the tub for over an hour, as the warm water seeped into their bones. They ran in more water from time to time, as it started to cool. Jay held Sarah tenderly in her arms, soaping her down lovingly. She caressed her ripe, full breasts, and felt a renewed stirring in her. "I want to make love to you," Jay whispered.

"You've been making love to me all day," Sarah grinned, trying not to react to the finger that was circling her stiffening nipple.

"I want to again," Jay kissed her neck, nibbling gently at her earlobe. She slid out of the tub, donning her robe. She held her hands out to Sarah. Sarah allowed her to pull her from the tub, and wrap her in a warm towel. Jay led her to the bedroom. Their lovemaking was tender and soft, and just before Sarah fell asleep in Jay's loving arms, she mused that she had never been so happy in all her life.

Sarah awoke an hour later, to see a naked Jay standing by the window. Jay's beautiful body was bathed in the twin glows of the firelight and the moonlight. She had never looked more exquisite. Jay heard Sarah stirring, and turned to look at her. "Hey," she whispered softly.

"Hey," Sarah slid out of bed, and put her arms around Jay from behind, her warm hands encircling her slender waist. "Aren't you cold?"

Jay shook her head. "It's so warm in here," she said. She turned and took Sarah's face oh so gently between her hands. She leant forward and kissed her, so softly Sarah thought her heart would break. "This is perfect. You're perfect."

Sarah nodded. "I don't think I've ever been so happy," she whispered, her finger tracing Jay's jawline.

Jay grinned, a twinkle appearing in her eye. "You know what would make this even better?" her tone was teasing.

Sarah raised an eyebrow. She knew this was going to be good.

"Boobs!" Jay declared.

Sarah raised the other eyebrow.

"The snowman!" Jay laughed. "It needs boobs. Big, beautiful boobs. Like yours," she traced an ample breast. "We need it to be a snow_woman_. C'mon, let's do it."

"You are kidding me," Sarah looked at her watch, which read 10.21pm. "Now?"

"Right now," Jay took her by the hand, pulling her into the living room. "Our clothes are dry!" She was already donning her jeans.

Sarah laughed. She loved Jay's spontaneous side, her infectious humor. And why not? Why shouldn't their snowman become a snowwoman?

"More snow!" Jay insisted. "_Much_ more snow," she was sculpting the left breast on the snowwoman, packing ever more snow onto it, and was encouraging Sarah to do the same. "No, like this," Jay's dextrous fingers pulled the snow into the exact shape she was searching for. It took nearly half an hour until Jay was satisfied. She giggled, as she pulled back. "C'm'here," she pulled Sarah back a few feet so that she could look at their creation objectively. "Remind you of anyone?" she ran her hand over Sarah's breast, barely discernible through the thick coat.

"You did not!" Sarah realized what had happened. "You modeled that on me!" Jay saw her blushing in the moonlight.

Jay turned her in her arms and kissed her softly. "Of course," she whispered. "I wanted it to be perfect."

"You look cold," Sarah said. "Let's get some dinner."

Jay nodded. She could feel the cold seeping into her bones.

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"I think I'll stay in here tonight," Alex tried to keep her tone light. She didn't want Olivia to think she was fussing, but she hated the idea of leaving their sick child on her own.

"Her bed's too small for you both," Olivia said softly. "Why not bring her in with us? We have plenty of room. I want you both with me anyway," she kissed Alex.

"Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay, baby. You don't need my permission, Alex. You know as much as I do about what Lily needs. And tonight," she stroked Lily's head lovingly, "she needs her Mommy, don't you baby girl."

"She needs her mama too," Alex said.

"Let's bring her in with us then. It's time for her medicine, isn't it?" Olivia looked at her watch. "And we should try to get her to drink a little. I'll get her pajamas, and the lotion too. I know, baby," she said, as Lily started to whimper as Alex unwrapped her. "We'll all be in bed real soon."

Lily began crying in earnest, not stopping until the lotion had been applied, and she was in her warm pajamas. Alex held her tenderly, and when her weeping finally slowed, managed to get her to take her medicine as well as some water. "That's a good girl," she whispered. "It'll be all better soon," she held her close. "The spots are worse," she said to Olivia.

"I know," Olivia said. "The doctor said that would happen. We'll get her to come back tomorrow, huh? Just to be sure."

Alex nodded. "I know we're probably overreacting," she admitted.

Olivia smiled. "I expect you're right. But she's our baby."

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By the time they had stripped out of their damp clothes, Jay was shivering in earnest, despite the warm robe and the roaring fire. "You need to warm up," Sarah put a gentle hand on her arm. "Go take a hot shower. I'll make dinner."

Jay nodded. Suddenly, all her energy was spent. She could also feel a headache threatening.

Jay stayed in the shower for nearly 40 minutes. Automatically, she shook her head to remove some of the water from her hair, but regretted it as her headache immediately intensified. She found some Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet. She shook out two tablets and dry swallowed them.

Sarah looked up as Jay re-entered the kitchen. "Hey," she said. "S'that better?"

Jay forced a smile onto her face. "Much," she lied, trying to repress a shiver.

Sarah eyed her. She looked exhausted. "We'll eat quickly, and then sleep," she said, kissing her very softly. "You need your sleep."

"You wore me out," Jay chuckled. She tried to summon up enthusiasm for the dinner that Sarah placed before her.

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Alex held Lily as she slept, and Olivia lay one hand on her back. Neither of them got much sleep, as they kept vigil over the feverish child.

At 6am, Olivia gave up and climbed out of bed. She returned a few minutes later with two mugs of coffee. Alex sat up carefully, Lily still in her arms. She reached out for the coffee, and took a grateful gulp.

"How's she doing?"

"I think she slept quite well," Alex said, smoothing the hair off her forehead. "We should wake her for her medicine soon."

"I'm going to call the doctor anyway," Olivia admitted. "Do you mind?"

"It can't hurt," Alex smiled. "Can it baby?" she smiled as Lily whimpered under her touch.

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Jay's head was pounding as she made her way to bed. She grunted involuntarily as she sat down, earning a sharp glance from Sarah.

Sarah looked at her pale face. She put a soft hand to her forehead. "You feel a little warm, sweetheart," she said gently. "Do you feel okay?"

"I'm fine," Jay lied. "Headache, is all."

"Let me get you something for that," Sarah started for the door.

"I already took Tylenol," Jay admitted. "It'll be gone soon, I'm sure."

"Can I do anything?" Sarah asked.

"M'okay," Jay slid under the covers.

"Can I hold you?" Sarah asked.

"Please," Jay snuggled up to her and rested her pounding head on Sarah's thigh.

Sarah ran her fingers soothingly through her hair. "Sleep," she whispered.

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"So she's doing okay?" Olivia sounded concerned.

"She's doing just fine. Another day or two and she'll start to feel a little less miserable," the doctor smiled. "I know this is awful. But it's good she's so young, it's so much easier to deal with at this age."

"We're just glad everyone has had it, so they can't get it again," Olivia said.

"I'm afraid that's a fallacy," the doctor said. "It's much less likely that an adult will get it again, if they've already had it, but it's not a certainty. My husband never tires of reminding me, he had it six years ago, after our youngest went down with it. He's never forgiven me for that, for some reason, it's my fault because I'm a doctor!" she smiled.

"We'd better call and warn the others," Olivia grimaced. She hated the thought that Lily may have infected any of them.

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"Mom?" Sarah scampered out of the bedroom, the phone pressed to her ear. "I'm sorry Mom, I couldn't hear. No, I just didn't want to disturb Jay. She's sick, Mom," Sarah tried to keep her voice even. "I think maybe we spent too long in the snow yesterday."

"What's wrong with her?" Carolyn's heart sank.

"She's running a fever, and has a real bad headache. She says she's okay, but I can see she's not. She had a bad night. She tried to get up this morning, but she looked so awful I sent her back to bed."

"How high is her fever?"

"Pretty high, I think. I didn't bring a thermometer."

"There's one in the en-suite off my bedroom," Carolyn said. "There's some Tylenol there too."

"I've just given her more Tylenol."

"Does she have a rash, or any spots?" Carolyn asked, as Sarah rummaged through the bathroom cabinet.

"I don't think so. I thought you couldn't get chickenpox twice?"

"Olivia just called me; the doctor's just been to Lily again, and she says that's not true. It's harder to get a second time, but it's still possible. Do you think that could be what's wrong?" Carolyn asked.

"It could be," Sarah's heart sank. "It came on real quick last night. I'm going to take her temperature now. Hey, sweetheart," she approached the bed. She placed a hand on Jay's clammy forehead. "I'm just gonna temp you. It's okay, you just lie still," she slid the thermometer into her ear. "Shh," she soothed Jay as she moaned. "It's okay. That's it. I'll be right back, Jay. I'm just getting some water, you need to drink."

Carolyn waited patiently until Sarah left the room.

"Mom?" Sarah sounded agitated. "Are you still there?"

"I'm here, honey. What does it say?"

"102.6," Sarah said. "That's real high, isn't it?"

"It's high. It's not dangerous," Carolyn's mind went into overdrive. "Did you see any spots?"

"I forgot to look," Sarah sounded anguished.

"That's okay, honey. Adults don't always get the spots, and sometimes they just get a few. So that isn't conclusive anyway. Look, Sarah, I'm gonna call the doctor, get a home visit. I'll call you right back."

Sarah sat in the living room, trying to contain her agitation, as she waited for her mother to call back. It was nearly fifteen minutes later that her phone rang. "Mom?"

"The doctor's going to call in this afternoon. They say keep her warm and hydrated, and give her Tylenol every four hours."

"That's what I've been doing," Sarah said.

"Well then you've been doing all the right things," Carolyn reassured. "She'll be fine, Sarah."

"'kay, Mom," Sarah sounded miserable. "Look, I need to get back to her."

"Take care of each other," Carolyn pleaded.

"I swear."

Sarah re-entered the bedroom, holding a glass of water. She sat on the bed, and reached for Jay. She smoothed the damp hair back from her forehead. "Can you sit up for me, Jay?" she whispered, setting the glass on the nightstand. "Here, let me help you," carefully she levered her into a half-sitting position. "That's it. That's good. See if you can drink some of this," she held the glass to her chapped lips. "That's it. Your throat hurts, huh?" she saw Jay's grimace as she swallowed. "Just a little more. You need your fluids. That's it. That's good. Okay, sweetheart, do you think you can sleep some now?"

"Will you stay?" Jay's voice was weak.

"Of course," Sarah said, stroking her back. Jay's pajama top was damp with sweat. "Let's get you into some dry things," she said. Very gently, she peeled the sweaty top from her girlfriend. She took a warm towel and dried her off. By the side of her breast, she saw a red, angry patch of skin. As she reached round her back, she saw another two patches. Part of her was relieved that the chickenpox diagnosis had been confirmed; at least it wasn't anything more sinister. But she knew that Jay was in for a tough time. She had told her how sick she had been when she had it ten years ago, it would only be worse now. Carefully, she eased her into a dry singlet, and replaced her damp pajama pants with cotton boxer shorts.

Sarah slid onto the bed. She sat against the headboard, and pulled her lover into her lap, planning to read. She found, however, that she couldn't concentrate on her book, only on the feverish woman in her lap.

Jay moaned, shaking with fever. "Cold," she whispered, her teeth chattering.

"I know, I'm so sorry," Sarah put her hand to her forehead. "It's your fever. The Tylenol will work soon. See if you can sleep. The doctor's coming later, just to check everything."

"Feel lousy," Jay knew she was whining.

"I know. You have the chickenpox Jay. I'm so sorry."

"No," Jay slurred, exhaustion dragging at her bones. "Had it."

"Mom just called. You can have it more than once. You drew the short straw, sweetheart."

Jay moaned.

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"I'll take her, you haven't even showered yet today," Olivia smiled at Alex, who was holding their miserable child.

"She's asleep," Alex whispered.

"I know," Olivia kept her voice low. She leant down, and carefully extracted Lily from Alex's arms. Alex tucked the blanket around them both, as Olivia sat back down with Lily in her arms.

Lily woke briefly and looked up, seeing that it was Olivia holding her. "Mama," she said, weakly.

"It's me, baby," Olivia kissed her on her forehead. "Go back to sleep."

She smiled, as Lily snuggled into her. She looked up; Alex yawned and stretched, feeling her vertebrae popping. "I'll give you a massage once this one's on the mend," Olivia promised.

Alex smiled. She leant down and kissed Olivia deeply.

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"I'm writing you a prescription for Aciclovir," the doctor said. "I know you won't want to leave her. The pharmacy in the town delivers. I'll drop the prescription in on my way back, and will tell them it's urgent. They'll be back here within the hour."

"She is going to be okay?" Sarah sounded anguished. Jay's fever had risen to 103.1, and she was clearly very distressed.

"The Aciclovir will make all the difference," the doctor promised. "But keep an eye on that fever. It should start dropping soon. If it gets above 103.7, I want you to call me immediately."

"She says she feels sick," Sarah said.

"That's completely normal. Adult chickenpox is real nasty. Has she thrown up?"

"Twice this morning. Nothing since then."

"Don't worry if she does. This fever is doing a number on her. Just try and keep her hydrated. Watered-down apple juice would be good; not too cold. You know the store delivers too?"

Sarah shook her head.

He took out his pad and wrote down a number. "If you call them before 4pm, they'll deliver same day." He handed her his card. "All my numbers are on there. Call me if you need me. She's going to be okay, I'm sure of that. But call me if her fever gets too high, or if she has any difficulty breathing. Any time. I mean that."

"You've been very kind."

"It's my job," the doctor smiled.

Just after the doctor left, Sarah heard a noise from the front of the cabin. "That must be the doctor, he must have forgotten something," she told Jay, kissing her on the forehead as she lowered her head back onto the pillow. "Be right back."

She went into the living room, and was startled to see the door open. Then she recognized the intruder. "Mom!" she ran over to the older woman, and flung herself into her arms.

Carolyn hugged her tight. "I didn't think you'd want to be alone," she said.

"But it's a five-hour drive!"

"Six hours today," Carolyn grimaced. "Get my bags from the car, will you, I gotta pee!" she smiled.

Sarah looked in the trunk, and saw that Carolyn had already been to the market for them. There were bags full of fruit, vegetables, fresh juice, ginger ale, popsicles, cough syrup, calamine lotion and much more. Sarah's throat tightened with emotion. She did two trips from the car. "This is amazing," she whispered, as her mother emerged from the main bathroom.

"How is she?" Carolyn asked.

"Awful," Sarah admitted. "I wish I could help."

"Is she eating?"

Sarah shook her head. "She's feeling real sick."

Carolyn poured some fresh apple juice, and diluted it with water. "Try her with some of this," she suggested.

"That's what the doctor suggested. I was just going to call the store."

Sarah lifted Jay's head off the pillow, and persuaded her to drink some of the juice. She put her hand on her brow as she fell back onto the pillow. There was a tap on the door. Carolyn brought a bowl of iced water, and a washcloth. "This might help," she said quietly. She put a gentle hand on Jay's shoulder. "It won't last for ever, darling," she said, and withdrew quietly.

Forty minutes later, the pharmacy delivered the medicine, so Carolyn took it into the bedroom. Jay was asleep in Sarah's lap. "It says two tablets," Carolyn whispered.

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"That was Carolyn," Alex came into the bedroom, where Olivia lay with Lily. "Jay's real sick."

Olivia's face fell. "I'm glad she went up there to be with them," she said. "She's really accepted Jay, hasn't she?"

"She loves her," Alex said. "I can't believe how much Carolyn has changed. She's been more of a mother to Sarah in the last year than she ever was before."

"She went through a hard time. Sometimes a terrible shock helps you to learn what's important. And she got away from your mother too. How long is it since she visited her?"

"Six weeks," Alex knew exactly when Carolyn had last gone. "She was supposed to going tomorrow, but she's called and canceled. Told her that she's gone to take care of Sarah's girlfriend. How's our baby girl doing?"

"A little better, I think. She's not so restless. I think she's getting some good quality sleep."

"Shall I take over? Give you a break?"

"You're missing her," Olivia teased.

Alex grinned wryly. "I can't help it. I love it when she's so snuggly."

"She's like her Mommy. She likes to be held."

Alex smiled again. "I always like to be held by you." She looked Olivia straight in the eye. "You make me feel safe. Safe, and loved. I feel at home in your arms."

"Let's all snuggle together for a while," Olivia suggested. "Then you two can stay here while I make dinner."

Alex smiled. She stepped out of her jeans, and slid into the bed facing Olivia, Lily snuffling between them, her thumb in her mouth.

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"I'm so sorry, Vanessa," Carolyn explained on the phone. "We called the doctor out, and he doesn't seem to be worried. But there's no way she'll be ready for New Year's. Even if she's much better, I'm going to tell them they should stay here for a few more days. It's a long drive, and Jay needs sleep more than anything right now. I'll get Sarah to call tomorrow morning, to update you. We will. I swear. She's sleeping now; Sarah's with her. We won't leave her alone. I know, Sarah told me. We just need to keep her hydrated, and she's taking fluids well. Send our love to Joe."

"They wanted to come up," Carolyn told Sarah quietly. "But I persuaded them not to."

Sarah looked relieved. "She just needs peace," she whispered, holding her trembling lover carefully.

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_**Four days later**_

"You need to sit still, Lily," Olivia smiled at their restless daughter.

"Sore, Mama!" Lily said crossly.

"I know, baby girl. But it's all getting better now. And if you'll just let me put some ointment on, that'll feel a lot better."

"Are you having trouble with our daughter?" Alex grinned as she struggled into the apartment, her arms full of groceries.

"Someone doesn't want me to put ointment on her spots," Olivia smiled. Lily was irritable and weepy, but for the first time in nearly a week, her temperature was normal, and she was well on the road to recovery.

"Well I know we shouldn't resort to bribery, but I think this once won't hurt," Alex sat next to her daughter on the couch. "Hey, sweetie. I just went shopping, and I bought your favorite yoghurt. If you let your Mama put some ointment on, we'll let you have just a little bit. Would you like that baby?"

Lily nodded solemnly. She put her arms out to Olivia, and let her start spreading the cooling ointment.

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"I'm fine now," Jay said crossly, as she stood on shaky legs. "I'm perfectly capable of getting a glass from the kitchen," she took a few steps and stumbled, sudden dizziness assaulting her.

She felt Carolyn's arm at her waist, and irritably allowed her to guide her back to the couch. Carolyn put her hand to her forehead. "You're still running a fever. You're much better, but you are _not_ fine. Don't argue with your mother-in-law," she scolded, as Jay opened her mouth to argue.

Jay shut her mouth. She saw the laughter in Sarah's eyes, and giggled. "Sorry, _Mom_," she teased.

Sarah passed her mother the thermometer. Carolyn inserted it in Jay's ear. "100.2. I told you."

Jay smiled wryly. "Well somebody get me some damned ginger ale then, if I'm not allowed to move!"

Sarah smiled and headed for the kitchen. She was just pouring the ginger ale, when she saw her mother coming in. She smiled at her. "Thanks Mom. She wouldn't behave just for me."

Carolyn looked at her. "That girl would do _anything_ for you," she said, softly. "I hope you know how lucky you are."

Sarah looked at her, a little startled. "You never used to think like that," the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Oh Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

Carolyn put her hand on her arm. "You're quite right," she said quietly. "I didn't use to think like that. And I was wrong. So wrong. I see you now for what you are, and I see your girlfriend for what she is. I don't think I'll ever forget the support she gave me during the trial. After all the things I'd said and done, she was there for me. And she opened her heart to me. And if you don't marry her one day, I don't think I'll ever forgive you."

Sarah was crying now, tears rolling down her face. Carolyn took her in her arms and held her tight. After a few minutes, Sarah's weeping turned to hiccups, as she struggled to contain herself. Carolyn guided her to the couch, and pushed her down gently next to Jay. "Hold your girlfriend," Carolyn instructed Jay.

Jay knew that something had happened, but by the relaxed expression on Carolyn's face, she knew it wasn't anything bad. She pulled Sarah into her lap, smiling as Carolyn shook out a blanket and draped it over the two of them.

Carolyn watched as Sarah melted into her lover's embrace. She saw their fingers intertwine, and she saw the look of love on Jay's face as she held Sarah. Carolyn smiled. She bent down and kissed Jay lovingly on the forehead. "I love you kiddo," she told her softly.

Jay's own eyes filled. "Do you love me enough to fetch that ginger ale?" she teased.

Carolyn placed the glass, and the bottle on the table next to them. She withdrew from the living room, wanting to give them some privacy. She lay down on the bed, her own emotions in disarray. She couldn't remember feeling so happy, but she couldn't stop her own tears falling. She took out her phone. After a few rings, the call was answered.

"It's just me," Carolyn spoke quickly. "I just wanted you to know that Jay's doing fine. And Alex," she took a deep breath. "I wanted you to know how much I love you. And Lily. And Olivia. I know it's late, but Happy New Year. I have a feeling 2006 is going to be a great year," she hung up the phone before Alex had a chance to reply.

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"Who was that?" Olivia saw the look on Alex.

"That?" Alex smiled. "That was my sister. Telling us she loves us."

"Why didn't you reply?"

"She hung up," Alex replied. "What are you doing?" she saw Olivia reach for her own phone.

"Just texting," Olivia smiled.

"Who are you texting?" Alex already knew the answer.

"A friend. A good friend. A really good friend."


	21. Chapter 21

"Are you sure it's not too much for you?" Olivia asked Alex.

Alex had had the idea to invite all their friends over on Saturday afternoon, to celebrate the opening on Sunday at the gallery where Carolyn was working. To start with, it was just going to be a small gathering, but the numbers had ballooned. Guests included Sarah and Jay; Melinda, Rosie and family; Joe and Vanessa; Elliot and Kathy; Alex's brother Graham and his wife Carla; Caryn and Abbie; Amy and Robyn; their doctor friend Rebecca and her husband John, as well as their toddler Bethan; as well as Finn, Munch and Cragen. Carolyn was also hoping to bring her new boss, but she couldn't guarantee what time they would arrive, as they would likely be making last-minute arrangements for the opening.

"It's all good, baby," Alex smiled, as she kissed Olivia softly. "And you'll be here on Saturday, you can help me then."

"And I will," Olivia promised. "But that means you'll have to do all the work this week."

"I have it all organized, in here," Alex tapped her head. "And Rosie's going to take this little terrorist," she hugged Lily tight before setting her on the floor, "today and tomorrow. And Jay and Vanessa have offered to take her on Friday, if I need them to. It's all good, Liv."

"If you're sure," Olivia said as she clipped her badge to her buckle. "I can get Elliott to cover if ..."

"You do not need to be taking any more time off work," Alex said. "It's all good, truly. I'm looking forward to it, to be honest with you. We haven't seen Graham for months. Not since … before …," she felt her throat tightening.

Olivia took her in her arms. She kissed her very tenderly. "I know," she said softly. "Lily will be pleased to see him and Carla. You love your Uncle Gray and Auntie Carla, don't you baby?" Olivia spoke to Lily. Lily grinned.

Olivia watched as Lily toddled away from her, making sure she couldn't see her unlock the lock box where she kept her gun. She knew she was going to have to explain guns to her one day, but she wanted to delay that moment for as long as possible. Alex automatically stood between Olivia and Lily, as she did every day, to further block the child's view.

"You be careful out there," Alex said.

"Always," Olivia kissed her again.

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"Ali-Baba!" Graham swept Alex up in a huge hug, swinging her round. "You're looking great, sis," he set her down on the floor again.

Alex smiled. "I feel great," she said. She looked over at her lover, who was entertaining Abbie with tales of life at the precinct. "Thanks to Olivia."

Carla leant forward and kissed Alex on the cheek. She put a soft hand on her arm. "It's true," she said. "You really do look good. How are you holding up?"

"Now? Now I'm good. It wasn't much fun, for a while. But we're all going to be okay."

"This looks amazing," Carla gestured to the big table, which was groaning with food. "Just how many people are coming?"

"About 26, at the last count," Alex grinned. "Give or take. I just hope there's enough of everything."

"Oh there's more than enough," Olivia grinned as she came over, putting her arm around her fiancée. "Hey, you two," she kissed Graham and Carla. "It's so great to see you. You must come and see Lily, she can't wait, she's been so excited for days."

"Where is she?" Alex asked.

"In her room. She's showing Caryn her new book," Olivia told her.

"She's giving my girlfriend some childcare practice," Abbie laughed, as she joined the small group. "You should go rescue her, she doesn't have a clue."

"She'll learn," Alex chuckled. She looked at Abbie and smiled. "Hey," she put a hand gently to Abbie's belly. "Is that Baby Carmichael showing at last?"

"Nah. I've just been eating too much," Abbie joked. She looked closely at Alex. She put her hand over Alex's. "I'm sorry," she said, quietly. "I know this is hard."

Alex looked directly at her. "It's wonderful," she said. "I know how exciting it is. We'll get there again, one day, one way or another. It doesn't mean I'm not thrilled for you. For both of you. Caryn's been a good friend. A really good friend," Alex swallowed. "I know she likes everyone to think she's a hardass, but she's been unbelievably kind to me. To us."

"She loves you," Abbie hugged her. "Both of you. So do I."

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"Carolyn!" Olivia cried when Carolyn finally arrived, with her boss Clarence in tow. The party was in full swing, and the noise and laughter were almost deafening. "I'm so glad you made it. This must be Mr Ogbourne?"

"Please call me Clarence," the older man said. "I'm so pleased to meet you. Are you Olivia?"

"Olivia Benson," Olivia stuck her hand out. "And that over there," she pointed across the room, "is Alex," she waved over at Alex, gesturing to her to come across. "So tell me, how are the preparations coming?"

"Everything is perfect, thanks to Carolyn," Clarence said. "She deserves a medal. And a stiff drink."

"I'll stick with a club soda," Carolyn said lightly. "I want to make sure I have a clear head tomorrow."

Olivia gave her a kind smile. She didn't blame Carolyn for not wanting to discuss her reasons for not drinking with her new boss.

"Well I hope I can persuade you to a glass of champagne tomorrow," Clarence said. "It's the very least you deserve."

Alex flinched, but relaxed when she saw Carolyn's smile.

"Actually, Clarence," Carolyn said calmly. "I don't drink at all. I got a little too fond of it a while back, so I find it's best to avoid it altogether these days."

Clarence nodded, and smiled. "Duly noted," he said.

"So Clarence, tell me, do you have any family? And if so, are they coming to the opening?" Olivia drew him into conversation.

His face filled with pleasure. "I have a wonderful son and grandson," he said, unable to keep the pride out of his voice. "And yes, they are both coming. You've spoken to Richard, haven't you, Carolyn?"

Carolyn nodded. "He's a very nice man," she said. "He was going to come over today and help, but there was an emergency at the hospital," she told Olivia.

"So he's a doctor?" Olivia asked.

"Reconstructive surgeon," Clarence explained. "No," he smiled, "_not_ cosmetic. He helps people who have been in accidents, or been burned. And some cancers and other disfiguring illnesses. He's very good at his job."

"And how old is your grandson?"

"Josh is eight," Clarence smiled. "A real livewire. Keeps Rick on his toes."

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"You were amazing," Olivia took Alex in her arms as they closed the door to the last of their guests.

"What is amazing is that we managed to get Lily to bed, with all the excitement. And she's still there!" Alex's face was flushed and animated.

Olivia was so pleased to see Alex enjoy the afternoon and evening. She had worked so hard to make sure everything went smoothly, and then she had been the perfect hostess. She was attentive, gracious, funny and charming. "I was so proud of you today," Olivia kissed her.

"It went well, didn't it?" Alex smiled. "Everyone got along. The opening's going to go real well tomorrow, I can just tell."

"I think you're right. Now, I just want you to relax. I'm going to run the tub, and you're going to relax in the warm water while I clear up."

Alex shook her head. "We'll both clear up tomorrow," she said. "We haven't had a bath together for weeks. Come in with me?" she pleaded.

Olivia smiled. "Why can I never say no to those eyes?"

Olivia sat behind Alex in the bath, one leg either side of the slim blonde. She could feel Alex relax under her touch, as she caressed her lovingly. She ran a soapy hand over one pert breast, toying absentmindedly with the nipple. "Alexandra?" she said, softly.

"Umm?" Alex replied sleepily.

"You were so great with Abbie. Now that she's starting to show. I know it's hard for you."

Alex swallowed. "I didn't want to take away from her excitement," she replied thickly. "It wouldn't be fair."

Olivia leant forward and kissed Alex. "I wasn't fair to you," she said quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"When I went off on one. I was so scared, Alex. That's why I reacted like that."

"Reacted like what?" Alex asked.

"When I told you it would be crazy for you to get pregnant again. It wasn't fair of me. I've carried Lily. I know what it's like to give birth."

"Painful," Alex tried to lighten the mood.

"Painful," Olivia agreed. "And unbelievably wonderful. And it's not fair of me to deny you that."

"You were only trying to take care of me," Alex said. "Trying to protect me. Like you always do."

"I was being selfish. I was so scared, when you were so sick. I thought I might lose you," Olivia tried to keep her voice even. "And I couldn't bear that. I just couldn't."

"So what are you saying, Liv?" Alex asked, calmly.

"I guess I'm saying that I have no right to tell you what to do. And if you want to try to get pregnant again, I won't stand in your way."

"But will you stand by my side?" Alex wanted to be absolutely sure.

"Always. If this is something you want to do, then I'm with you, all the way. If you want to, that is. We both know there are no guarantees, even less so now. Realistically it'd twice as hard to get pregnant."

"I want to try," Alex's voice was small and scared.

"Are you sure, baby? I don't want you to say that because you want to make me happy. Because you have to know, you already do that. And I could always try for our next baby. Or we could adopt. Or not have any more kids. I'm happy with all of those options. I want this to be your decision."

"I do want to try," Alex repeated. She took a deep breath. "And I know it could be tough. It may not even work at all. But if it does," she took Olivia's hand, and held it tight, "if it does, it'll be … it'll be …," her voice cracked.

"I know, baby," Olivia whispered.

"And it it doesn't, I'll cope. Truly. And we'll find another way. I just … not trying again … it would feel like giving up."

"And you'd grow to resent me for stopping you," Olivia said in a quiet voice.

"Never. I could never resent you. Not for caring."

"I'm sorry, Alexandra," Olivia repeated. "I haven't been fair to you."

"You wanted me safe. I understand that. That's how I feel every time you step out of that door," Alex didn't mean to let that slip out.

"I know. And you never try to stop me. You're not selfish like I am."

"I want to stop you. Every day," Alex admitted. "But then I have to remind myself, that's who you are. You are a cop, and you put yourself on the line for other people. And while I hate that about you, it's also one of the things I love about you."

Olivia blinked away tears.

"We'll be careful," Alex promised her. "This time around. I still have three months of the anti-depressants to go, and I'm still going to counseling twice a week. I'll finish the course," she promised. "Before we try anything. And I'll talk to the counselor, she can help me prepare for the months of anxiety, and possible disappointment if we never manage it."

"As long as we keep talking," Olivia said. "We mustn't ever stop talking again."

"That won't happen," Alex promised. "I swear to you." She turned in Olivia's arms so that she was facing her. She took a soapy hand and ran it down Olivia's face. She kissed her deeply. "Take me to bed," she whispered.

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"I love this," Caryn lay in bed, her hand caressing Abbie's small bump. She looked up and saw Abbie's amused expression. "What?" she asked.

"You. You're so funny."

"What's funny?" Caryn was starting to get annoyed.

"You are. Ms-Caryn-Don't-Mess-With-Me-Hard-Assed-Bed-Hopping-Lawyer. Going all mushy over a bit of flab."

"Two points, Carmichael," Caryn said. "One, I no longer feel the need for any bed hopping. I've found a gorgeous girlfriend, who is permanently horny and is _more_ than keeping me happy in bed. And two, this is not flab. This, here," she ran her fingers lovingly over the bump, "is a person. Okay, that person is only 14 weeks old so far. But it's still a person. And it's our person. Yours, mine, and Jeff's."

"A person?" Abbie was amused.

"A person. A baby. Whatever you want to call it. Twenty-five-and-a-half weeks from now, we're gonna be parents," Caryn smiled.

Abbie paled. "Oh God."

"What is it Abs? Are you feeling sick? I thought you were done with that."

Abbie nodded. "I am. I feel fine. I just realized … It's real soon, isn't it? Our baby will be here real soon?"

It was Caryn's turn to be amused. "I think it's gonna take the usual amount of time," she teased. "Hey," she realized that Abbie was genuinely shaken. "We can do this, Abigail. We're gonna love it. Yes, we'll be exhausted. And I'm fully expecting I'll be snarky, you know what I'm like when I don't get enough sleep. And we'll likely be in chaos, and nothing will be where it should be. It's going to be great," she grinned at the thought.

"I gotta job," Abbie blurted out.

"You did what? Abbie, you're pregnant, for crying out loud. You should be taking it easy."

"Bullshit," Abbie retorted. "If I sit around on my fat ass for the next six months, I'll go crazy. It's okay, C, it's a fill-in, four months only."

"Doing what?" Caryn demanded.

"Doing what I do best," Abbie teased.

"Oh my God, you're gonna be a hooker!" Caryn burst out laughing.

Abbie pounced on Caryn, her pregnancy not slowing her down one bit. She straddled her and pinned her to the bed, holding her hands above her head. "I shall be taking my rightful place at Hogan Place," she said, icily. "Four months in Homicide, while Jarrett completes his course. So, Ms Wright," she leant down and kissed the top of her breast, "I shall be able to keep an eye on you, make sure you are behaving yourself."

"What makes you think I need supervising?" Caryn squeaked as Abbie's tongue flicked out and teased her stiff nipple.

Abbie blew tantalizingly at the damp flesh, smiling as she saw it pebble before her very eyes. "I just like to know what you get up to all day," she kissed the hard bud.

"You know damned well what I've been doing all day today," Caryn's voice was husky with desire. "And we both know what I'm going to be doing for the rest of the day, too. Oh God, Abbie," her back arched involuntarily as Abbie's hand made its way south.

"Is there something I can do for you, counselor?" Abbie teased.

"There are several things you can do for me … oh Abigail. Yes. That's definitely one of the things on my list. I need you to … that's it. Just there. Let me … oh God. You're perfect, Carmichael. Just perfect."

When a sweat-soaked Caryn snuggled up to Abbie much later that day, she took her hand and laced her fingers with her own. "You won't take on more than you should, will you Abs?" her tone was loving, but serious. "You know you don't have to work. If we're careful, we'll be fine."

Abbie turned to face Caryn fully. "I love you, CW. And I swear I'll take care of myself. And of the Person here. And I have money in the bank anyway. More, soon, my apartment's in escrow. Though maybe we should put that toward a house."

"A house?"

"Don't you think that would be nice? A little house? With a yard, where Person can play?"

"I never even thought," Caryn laughed. "Why didn't I think we'd need to move? I'll get the laptop, we can start looking now."

"You," Abbie kissed her. "Are not going anywhere. We can look tomorrow. We have plenty of time. Right now, I want you here. With me."

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Sarah's phone beeped.

_I'll be late, so sorry. Home in 3hrs. All ok. Love u._

**Be careful out there, Jay. I love you too.**

_I will. xxx_

Two hours later, Sarah felt her phone vibrate again.

_2 more hrs at least. Sry. Am fine. xxx_

**Don't be sorry. I'll keep your dinner for you. You're tired, so be extra careful.**

_Keep bed warm 4 me._

**Always.**

Jay finally made it home at 3am, pale and exhausted. She tried to let herself into the apartment quietly, but as she was shrugging off her jacket, she felt Sarah's arms around her waist. She sighed. She could barely summon the energy to turn to face her.

"You look awful," Sarah's voice was anxious.

"I'm exhausted," Jay admitted.

"Hungry?"

"Not really. I just want to sleep."

Sarah led her to the bed, setting her on the side. She helped her out of her jeans and underwear, slipping on some cotton boxer shorts before she sat down again. She peeled off her shirt and, when she realized she wasn't wearing a bra, decided to let her sleep in her singlet. She smiled, as she realized that Jay was already asleep, still sitting up. She supported her as she lay her down carefully, smiling as she climbed in beside her and Jay automatically snuggled into her, her hand clasping a full breast, even in her sleep.

"I love you so much," Sarah whispered.

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"Lily and I are going shopping today. We're gonna buy you a new pair of pants," Alex smiled, as she held up the ripped pair that Olivia had shed the night before. She was trying to hide her anxiety with humor. Olivia hadn't been hurt the day before, but the perp's knife had missed her by millimeters, and made a large rip in her favorite black pants.

"You don't want to do that, honey. I'll pick up another pair soon," Olivia said.

"We want to do it. Anyway, we promised Joe and Vanessa we'd stop in for lunch, and the café's just along the street from the store.

"If you're sure. Get the receipt. I'm gonna make damned sure the city pays for them," Olivia said, firmly.

Alex swallowed. She didn't give a damn about the cost of the pants. She was just glad Olivia was safe. "The case is good, huh?" she tried to sound casual.

Olivia took her hand, caressing the knuckle. "It's good. DNA, ID from three different victims, and he's on security camera leaving two of the crime scenes. He's not the smartest perp we've ever had to deal with. Caryn says he'll get 25 to life."

Alex nodded. "S'good," she said, pulling away from Olivia so that her lover wouldn't see the tears in her eyes.

Olivia knew what she was doing, so she didn't call her on it. She holstered her gun. "I'll call you," she promised, as she stepped out of the door.

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"I'm so sorry," Olivia's voice was tense. "I don't know what time we'll be finished. It could be an all-nighter. I'll text you if I'm coming home. No, we're at the precinct. We're taking turns in the interrogation. No, not a guy this time. Somehow it's worse when it's a woman. It was brutal, what she did. Raped her girlfriend, but it was a sustained attack. We think there may be more victims. I know, honey. I'm so sorry. Kiss Lily for me. Of course, she's asleep already. I love you, Lex."

Olivia hung up the phone. This was going to be a long night.

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"Hi Jay, come in," Alex smiled as she stepped back to let her into the apartment. "Thanks for coming over. It's nothing important. I just don't want to miss my appointment. I promised Liv I'd stick with it, until the counselor says. I'll only be an hour and a half. Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Of course I don't mind," Jay smiled. "Lily and I are gonna have fun, aren't we monkey?" she winked at the little girl.

"Can I see your truck?" Lily asked.

Jay shook her head. "Not today, Lily. The trucks are real busy today. I'll take you again soon, I swear. How about we go over to see Pop and Vanessa? You can play on his wheelchair."

Lily nodded, excitedly. "Nessa makes brownies," she said.

"Does Mommy say you can have a brownie?" Jay asked Alex.

Alex smiled. "Just one," she said. "A little one."

"I'll make sure of that," Jay promised. "So how's Olivia? Don't tell me she's still on duty?"

"37 hours so far," Alex said, glumly. "She says they are close."

"She must be exhausted," Jay said.

"It'll be worth it," Alex says. "Liv says they have to get the bitch off the street. She's been abusing women for years."

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"How are you holding up, baby?" Alex wanted to know.

"I feel like death warmed over, to be honest," Olivia admitted. "We're so close, I can just feel it. She changed her name, we just have to track down all her aliases, and then we can charge her with everything."

"If anyone can do it, you can," Alex said. "I love you, Liv."

"Love you too, Lex."

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Alex entered the 16th Precinct, weighed down with pizza boxes. She saw that Olivia's desk was empty.

"In the cribs," Elliott nodded toward the stairs. "We've told her we don't want to see her ugly face down here for at least three hours," he smiled, tiredly. They had all been on duty for four days now, snatching brief naps in the cribs. "Go up. You can help her sleep."

Alex let herself into the cribs, locking the door as she entered. Olivia was facing the wall, and didn't react to her entrance. Alex sat carefully on the side of the hard bed. She ran her hand through Olivia's soft hair.

Olivia turned, and blinked. "Lex?" her voice was rough.

"It's me, sweetheart. Go back to sleep, baby."

Olivia stared at her. She reached out a shaking hand, and touched her face. "I can't believe you're here," she said.

"I missed you," Alex said, simply.

Olivia's face crumpled, and one fat tear slid down her face.

"Liv? Olivia? What is it, honey?"

"It's too awful," Olivia whispered. "This case."

"I know, Liv. The woman is a monster."

"It's worse than that," Olivia said. "I never even thought. I should have realized it was possible."

"What, Liv?" Alex was really beginning to worry now.

"One of her aliases. It's Katarina Ogrodnik. We checked her addresses, known associates, all that."

"And?" Alex prompted.

"She lived in one apartment with a roommate. A Jane Kazinski. She's Jay's rapist, Alex."

Alex was stunned. "You will get her?" she asked, after a few seconds

Olivia nodded.

"Will you have to talk to Jay?"

Olivia nodded again, her hand going to her head.

Alex could see from Olivia's eyes that she had a bad headache. "Did you take Tylenol?" she asked gently.

"Yeah," Olivia said.

"You need to sleep," Alex said, firmly. "I'll stay with you," she said, as Olivia started to demur. She kicked off her shoes, and lay down next to her lover.

Olivia pressed herself into Alex's front.

Alex could feel the tension radiating off Olivia, so she did the only thing she could think of. She unbuttoned her shirt, and pulled her bra strap down, freeing one breast. She guided Olivia to the nipple, feeling her soft lips close around it. "Sleep, Liv. I'll wake you in time."

Alex lay there awake, relieved to feel Olivia's breathing evening out. This was too much. Sarah and Jay had been through so much together already. They were both going to need their support, and their love. "We'll fix it, Liv," Alex whispered. "Together."


	22. Chapter 22

**[Thank you so much for all the kind reviews, I really appreciate them. ;)]**

"Sarah just left," Alex was watching out of their window.

"And Jay's not working today, right?" Olivia asked.

"Not until Tuesday, I think. She told me last week, in case I needed her to babysit. She's so kind."

"I'll give her a half hour to shower. Then I'll go over, maybe pick up coffee and croissants," Olivia was thinking out loud.

"Tea, not coffee," Alex reminded her.

Olivia nodded. She was dreading this. Jay and Sarah were so happy together. Neither of them had had an easy ride, but at last, everything was looking good for them. And she was going to destroy that. She hated that she had to. But she knew she had no choice. Even if Jay's name hadn't come up in the investigations, Jay would have heard about the case; the brutality of the attacks would garner a great deal of media interest, all the more so because the perpetrator was a woman – and a gay woman, at that.

Jay's open, friendly face greeted Olivia at the door, making Olivia feel even guiltier. She realized that her gesture of tea and croissants was pointless. The last thing on Jay's mind would be food, once she discovered the real purpose of Olivia's visit.

"Come in," Jay smiled. "Are you okay? Do you need me to take Lily? I thought maybe I could take her to the carousel on the pier, if you and Alex would be okay with that."

Olivia shook her head. "Lily's fine. She's with Alex today. Jay," her voice was soft. "You should sit down. I need to talk to you."

"Is everything okay?" Jay could see the tension on Olivia's face. "Is Alex...?"

"Everyone's fine. This is not about family, Jay. I'm here professionally," Olivia put a hand on her shoulder. "You really should sit," she guided her to the couch, and sat next to her. "Jay, I hate that I have to do this. I've been working on a case..."

"Alex said it's been awful," Jay said, sympathetically.

Olivia swallowed. "It was bad. Really bad. But then it became so much worse. You need to know, Jay, that this just came up in the investigation. I wasn't expecting it. Nobody was."

"You're not making any sense," Jay's heart started to beat faster.

"We arrested a woman, for rape. She had raped her girlfriend. It was a sustained, brutal attack Jay. But then we found out she had done it before. And then Finn discovered she was using an alias. We investigated, and found she had had several aliases. One of them," she took Jay's hand, "one of them was Katarina Ogrodnik."

It was agonizing, seeing the expression change on Jay's face. All color drained from her. She looked at Olivia. She tried to speak, but nothing came out. Her breathing quickened, and she felt sick. "I …," Jay said, at last. "I …," she stuttered. "She … I tried. I couldn't … I didn't know how," she was gasping now, in fear and panic.

Olivia recognized the signs of an anxiety attack. Very gently, she pulled Jay into her lap, and held her securely. "It's okay, Jay," she whispered, running her hand through her hair. "It's going to be okay. Try not to panic. You're tensing up," she could feel Jay gasping for air. She reached for Jay's hand, holding it tight. "We're going to be with you, every step of the way. Just concentrate on your breathing now. Try and take control. I'm here, I'm not going to leave you. That's it. Just listen to my voice, and try and be calm. The worst is over, honey. She's never getting out; that much I can promise you. I'm so sorry. Nobody deserves what you went through. Just breathe slowly. There, that's better. You're doing well. That's it. It's over now," she gentled her spine. "It's over. It's all over."

"I'm sorry," Jay whispered eventually, her head still in Olivia's lap.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong," Olivia spoke gently.

Half an hour later, Jay was sitting on the couch, two warm blankets tucked around her. She was sipping gingerly at some fresh tea, the cups Olivia had brought now tepid and unappealing.

"Shall I call Sarah?" Olivia asked.

Jay shook her head vehemently. "I need to talk to you first," she said, shakily.

Olivia nodded. "Whenever you're ready, sweetheart. There's no hurry."

"I told Sarah. About the assault. The rape," Jay started shakily.

"I know, sweetheart. That was very brave."

"I didn't tell her everything. Well, that's not true. I did. I just didn't tell her exactly what happened. I think I may have given the impression that it was quicker than it really was. I told her she raped me, and I told her she left." Jay's expression was anguished.

"Would you rather talk to someone other than me?" Olivia asked softly.

"No!" Jay was emphatic. "Just you."

"Okay, Jay. Take your time."

"She took me by surprise. Sure, I knew she had a temper. But she she turned on me, I was … I guess I was so shocked, I didn't fight back. Not to start with. Not the first time," Jay started to weep.

"The first time?" Olivia prompted gently. "Did she come back?"

Jay was shaking. "No," she said after a few minutes. "She didn't go away. Well, only for a few minutes. It wasn't quick, Olivia. Well, the first time it was. She raped me … vaginally," Jay was nauseous. "I just … I thought she had left. I just lay on the bed. I didn't know what to do."

Olivia pulled the blanket tighter around her. "You were in shock."

"I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen. I couldn't imagine anything worse. It made me feel so … ashamed. Dirty."

"You had nothing to be ashamed of, Jay. You _have_ nothing to be ashamed of."

"I didn't hear her, coming back into the room. But then I felt it. A rope around my wrist. Before I knew it, she had tied both wrists to the bedstead. That's why I won't have a bedstead any more. I was face down," Jay was weeping loudly now. "She … she … it was one of those metal flaslights. A couple of centimetres in diameter, I guess. And she … she..."

"She sodomized you?" Olivia's voice was kind.

"For ages. It went on for ages. I hurt for weeks afterward."

"And you didn't tell anyone?"

"I didn't even tell anyone about the rape. Not until Sarah. Sweet, beautiful, Sarah. I couldn't believe it when I met her. I'd given up. I was too scared. But she made it all better. She made me happy again. Does she have to know? Do I have to tell her?"

Olivia took both her hands, and looked into her eyes. "It's going to be hard to keep it from her. The case will be in the news. Even if your name doesn't come out, she's going to know something's wrong."

"I'll be okay. I'll get myself together before she gets home."

"And keep it all in? Last time you did that, you got an ulcer. Sarah will be horrified. Of course she will. But if you make yourself sick because you can't trust her with the truth, that'll make her so sad. She loves you Jay. She wants to help you."

"I do trust her. I just don't want to burden her."

"It's more of a burden if you don't share. She'll know something's wrong, and all she'll know is that you're pulling away. She can cope with this Jay. She loves you. And you didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. I know it's none of my business, but I think you should tell her, and sooner rather than later. Secrets only make it worse."

Jay nodded. "What happens now?"

"We have her in custody. Her real name is Erica Redmond. So far, we have evidence that she raped three women. But we think there are many more."

"How many?"

"Including you? Seven," Olivia chafed her hands between her own.

"How many after me?"

"Three that we know of, possibly four."

"So if I had reported her, four women …," Jay's stomach clenched. "I could have saved … those women," sweat broke out on her upper lip. "It's my fault," she whimpered. "I could have stopped her."

"You didn't even know her real name," Olivia said gently, holding her lovingly. "It's unlikely we would have been able to stop her then. She's become careless. Arrogant. She's never going to get out, Jay. We'll make sure of that. And you don't have to testify. But if you do, we can be even more sure."

Jay leaned against the back of the couch, her breathing erratic. "What do you need?"

"For the moment? A statement, which we can take down at the precinct. I can take that, you don't have to talk to anyone else yet. But if you are testifying, you will. You'll have to talk to lawyers, more cops. You'll have to tell your story again and again. Can you do that?"

"If it stops anyone else having to go through it, I can. I will. When do you want to do this?" she was pulling herself together.

Olivia smiled at her. "You are so brave," she said. "You can do it whenever you want."

"Now? I want to get it done," Jay said.

"Of course. Let me go get the car."

"Can I come with you? I don't feel like being alone."

"Of course," Olivia said. "You go get yourself ready. You don't have to be alone. Why don't you let me call Sarah? So you have her with you this afternoon?"

"No, she's real busy at work."

"Then spend the afternoon with Alex and Lily? They'd love to have you."

Jay nodded. "'kay," she whispered.

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Alex opened the door to Sarah that evening. "She's asleep on the couch," she whispered. "Did you talk to Olivia?"

Sarah nodded, anxiety creasing her features. "She wants to tell me about the assault. They caught her, didn't they? Katarina?"

Alex nodded. "She needs you now," she said softly.

"She has me," Sarah said. She knelt at Jay's head, and let her hand slide through her soft hair. "Shall we go home, sleeping beauty?" she whispered.

Jay blinked awake. She looked at Sarah. Sarah cupped her face, and kissed her unbelievably softly on the lips. "Take me home?" Jay asked.

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It was 11.20pm before Olivia got home. Alex welcomed her with a kiss. "Shitty day?" Alex said, sympathetically.

Olivia nodded. "Some days I hate my job," she said, quietly.

"It's too awful," Alex agreed. "But at least she has you fighting her corner. If Jay has to cope with something like this, having you there can only make it easier for her."

Olivia looked at her. "Can anything really make that sort of thing better?" she asked.

"Less bad, then. It may help her, in the long run. I know she, and Sarah, were dealing with it. But not quite all of it. Now she won't have to feel she's hiding anything at all. She doesn't have to keep anything from Sarah."

"She was just protecting her," Olivia said.

"I know, honey. But we found out that doesn't always work, didn't we?"

"You tried to protect me from how you felt. And it didn't help either of us," Olivia mused. "It wasn't your fault, Alexandra."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it was. It only really started getting better when we really talked."

Olivia looked at her. "How was the counselor today?" She didn't usually like to ask, knowing that Alex shouldn't feel she had to report to her. But she knew she would need extra support through this latest trauma.

Alex smiled. "Good. I told her about Jay, and Sarah."

"And how has Lily been? I'm so sorry I didn't see her this evening."

"She's been a holy terror," Alex smiled. "They're not kidding when they talk about the 'Terrible Twos'. She had to have a time-out this afternoon."

"What did she do?" Olivia smiled in anticipation.

"Let me put it this way. I need to go shopping tomorrow, for a new lipstick for me, and a new t-shirt for you. She was trying to draw a heart on your white t-shirt."

"At least she's artistic," Olivia chuckled.

"I wish," Alex said darkly. "It looked like something from a particularly gruesome homicide. She won't be doing it again, that much I can promise you."

"Did you get her to say she was sorry?"

"I did," Alex said. "I think maybe I was a little hard on her. I hope I didn't go too far."

"She needs discipline," Olivia said. "And it's been a hard day for you too, baby. I've been real snappy all day with Elliott."

"We had cuddles before bed," Alex said. "And she told me she loved me."

Olivia smiled. "Of course she loves you. We all love you," she kissed her.

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"Think you can sleep?" Sarah asked a hollow-eyed Jay.

Jay blinked. "I … I don't know," she replied. Her mind was so overwhelmed that she just felt like everything was shutting down.

"Do you want to try? We can just hold each other, and talk. Or not talk."

"You still want to share my bed?"

"Always," Sarah said softly. "The closer I am to you, the happier I am."

"I don't want to make love," Jay sounded scared.

Sarah smiled. "I know. That's the last thing on my mind. I want to hold you though, if I may. I need to feel you next to me."

Jay stared. "I don't think I can handle this," she gulped.

"You can," Sarah's voice was calm and soft. "You can do it. One day at a time. And we're all here to help. I'm taking a week's vacation. No, don't argue," she put a finger gently over Jay's lips. "Hey, sweetheart. Do you really think I could concentrate at work, knowing what you're going through?"

"I'm due in on Sunday," Jay said.

"No you're not. You're going to call in. We'll take the week together. Olivia will talk us through what needs to be done next. Alex'll help too. She won't be trying the case, but she'll be keeping a close eye on it, I'm sure of that. And remember, my darling, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Olivia says they'll get her anyway."

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"She'll get 25," Alex looked over the top of her glasses as she flipped through the paperwork. "She should really get life, but there's no actual proof with some of the earlier cases. Just 'she says, she says'."

"But cumulatively, the pattern, surely it's obvious?"

"Obvious, but not proven," Alex said, trying to keep her voice calm. "I know, Liv. She should never get out. However old she is. It's at times like this that I wish the death penalty still stood in New York." She looked over at Olivia. "Sorry," she said. It was the one thing that she and Olivia couldn't agree on. Olivia insisted that the death penalty was never the answer, while Alex argued that it could be, in certain cases.

Olivia looked at her. "I know you're expecting me to argue. But, this time..." her words tailed off. "Oh God, that just proves my point. The only real reason I can see for the death penalty is revenge. And I want Jay to be revenged."

Alex reached out her hand to her pacing lover. "Come, sit," she pulled her gently down next to her on the couch. She kissed her. "This is awful," she said, in a small voice. "Maybe you should let someone else take the case?"

Olivia shook her head. "I can't do much for Jay, but I can at least do this."

Alex nodded.

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"It'll still help. A _lot_," Olivia took Jay's hand, trying not to look at the anguished look on Sarah's face.

"You said she would never get out," Jay whispered.

"She won't. Not for a very long time."

"Jay?" Sarah's voice was tentative. "Have you remembered the photos?"

Jay's head whipped round. She paled. "Oh God," she moaned. She put her head in her hands.

"What photos, honey?" Olivia asked.

"After. I …," Jay gulped. "In the refrigerator. At the back."

"Can I tell her?" Sarah asked. Jay nodded, engulfed in misery.

"Jay took photos. In the mirror mostly. Of some of her injuries. There's a reel of film in the fridge. She never developed them, but the film's been kept cold."

"I don't want to look at them," Jay was fighting nausea.

"You don't have to," Olivia spoke softly, unthreateningly. "Can I take the film with me? They can develop the pictures at the crime lab. This could make a real difference, Jay."

"I'll get it," Sarah looked at Jay for approval, not moving until she saw her nod her head slightly. She came back and handed the reel to Olivia.

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Caryn's hands shook as she read the file on Erica Redmond. She paled when she saw Jay's name. At that moment, she heard a knock on the door. "Come in," she said, automatically.

Liz Donnelly stepped into her office. She looked down at the file in her hand. "I've come for that," she nodded at the file. "I'm taking over."

"What do you mean?"

"You're too close to the family. And you have your own family to think of right now. I know you and Abbie have a lot going on. You don't need this in your life."

"I can do my job," Caryn stiffened.

"I know you can," Liz's voice softened. "I want to do this. I've just come from the 1-6. I've known Olivia Benson for six years, and I've never seen her as devastated over a case. I want this one, Caryn. I'm going to make that bitch pay. Look," she sat in the chair opposite Caryn. "I'm senior to you. Branch might try to push you into making a deal. We've got her anyway, and he may want this cleared up fast. He won't try anything with me. And if he does, he'll regret it. I'm going for the maximum, life, no parole, solitary 23 hours a day. And by God, I'm going to get it."

Caryn nodded. She passed over the file. "Let me know if I can do anything."

Liz nodded. "You can pour me some of that bourbon that I happen to know you keep in your second drawer down," she gave a small smile.

Caryn grinned. "Is nothing secret any more?"

"Not when you're dating Carmichael," Liz smiled. "She's stirring things up in Homicide, I hear."

Caryn smiled, as she reached for the bottle. "You know Abbie. She likes to have an impact."

"Well she's doing that, by all accounts. The girls in the office love her, but she's scared that ass Jackson. Rumor has it that he has a countdown for when she starts maternity leave, and he ticks one day off each morning."

Caryn passed Liz a mug with a healthy shot of bourbon in it. "That's my girl," she said, proudly.

"So you're gonna be parents," Liz mused. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"Nor did I," Caryn tried to keep the pride out of her voice. "I never expected I could be this lucky."

"Dirty diapers. Sleepless nights. And your girlfriend's going to be crabby as hell."

"I know. I can't wait," Caryn clinked her glass with Liz's.

"Here's to Carmichael Junior," Liz smiled.

"And to nailing that bitch's ass to the wall," Caryn added.

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"Abbie," Caryn muttered, as her lover moved down her body. "C'mon Carmichael, we both have to work tomorrow."

"It's your fault," Abbie's voice was muffled, as she swirled her tongue around a candy pink nipple.

"How is it my fault?" Caryn tried not to react to the exquisite touch.

"You're irresistible. How," she swirled her tongue in Caryn's belly button, "can I be expected to go to sleep, with all _this_ waiting for me?"

"We've been making love for..." Caryn peered at her watch, "nearly four hours. We have to get up in six hours. You pregnant ladies need your sleep."

"I need you more," Abbie caressed a shapely thigh. Very gently, she slid her shoulder under Caryn's right leg. She grinned at the sight that awaited her. "I need this more," she dipped her head down, flicking out her tongue teasingly.

Caryn gasped, as a jolt shot through her. "Twenty minutes," she panted.

"Only need ten," Abbie's deep voice was even huskier than usual. "Just you … that's it … there. God you're beautiful."

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Olivia looked up from her desk, smiling as she saw Caryn approaching. Despite careful make-up, Caryn still looked tired. "Hey," Olivia said. "You look exhausted. Is Abbie okay? Did she have a bad night?"

Caryn sank into the chair by Olivia's desk. "Oh no. She had a good night. _We_ had a great night. Hence the exhaustion." She winked. "Were you that insatiable when you were pregnant, HC?"

Olivia laughed. "Oh no. You're not getting any information out of me."

"I'll bet you and Teflon were humping like rabbits. Hell, I'll bet you still are."

Olivia spluttered, spilling coffee on her desk.

"We're very happy with our situation, thank you," Alex's voice rang out loud and clear, as she entered the squad room.

"Teflon!" Caryn smiled at her. "To what do we owe the pleasure of your fragrant presence?"

"I brought donuts," Alex held up a large box. "I know, it's such a cliché. But I know you can't resist the chocolate sprinkle, Liv," she smiled at her girlfriend. "What brings you here anyway, Caryn? Aren't they keeping you busy at Hogan Place?"

"I just wanted to tell Olivia something. I'm glad you're here too Alex. Liz has taken over the case," she didn't need to tell them which case. "She's real fired up. She's going to get her."

Olivia swallowed. "It may be even easier now," she said. She reached into her drawer. "I was just about to enter these into evidence." She passed the stack of photos to Caryn. "No, Lex. Don't look. Please?"

"Jay's photos?" Alex was pale.

Olivia nodded.

"I want to see them. I need to know," Alex's voice was quiet, but firm.

Olivia looked up at her, gazing for long seconds into her eyes. She knew how she felt. She had had to look herself, for the same reason. She nodded, and got up from her seat. "Sit first," she said, pushing Alex into her chair.

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"Hey," Olivia wet a paper towel and handed it to Alex, who blotted her face with it. She had been so close to throwing up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you look."

"I had to see. Do they have to see these?"

"Jay and Sarah?" Olivia shook her head. "No. Though they may show them in court."

Alex nodded. "If this were you..." her voice shook.

"I know. I couldn't help being grateful that it wasn't you. But it's over. It's done. We have to remember that."

"Carolyn's going to talk to Jay today. She's going to try and persuade her to see her counselor. Do you think she'll go, Liv?"

"I hope so. She might do it for Sarah. She knows how much it helped Carolyn. And you," Olivia took Alex's hand.

Alex flinched briefly, apologizing immediately for her skittishness. "God, we're all such fuck-ups," she said, ruefully.

"No. You're not. You're the most together person I know. And the bravest."

Alex cupped Olivia's face. "I'm still trying to work out how I can love you more each day." She kissed her.

"It's the power of the boobs," Olivia teased.

Alex smiled. She hesitated. Then she took both of Olivia's hands in her own. "Liv," she said, hesitatingly.

"What is it, baby?"

"This isn't the most romantic place," she said.

"The ladies room? I don't know how you can say that," Olivia joked.

"I was trying to think of the right way to do this. But we've kind of done it already anyway. And I can't wait."

"Wait for what, Alexandra?"

"I love being Alex Benson. I love seeing people's faces, when I tell them my name change. And I love that people know it's because I'm with you. But I need to be married to you. I know. We can't do it here. New York has still got it's head up its ass. But," she looked deep into Olivia's eyes. "We can do it in Canada. I want to go back to the Lakes. To that hotel. Lily loved it there. And I want you to become my wife. That wedding we saw, Wheels and May. It was perfect. I want that for us. We can marry again, if New York ever let us. But I have to make you mine. What do you say?" unconsciously, she fingered Olivia's engagement ring.

Olivia's face was streaming with tears.

"Is that a yes?" Alex prompted.

Olivia swallowed, and nodded her head. "Of course it's a yes. This is the most romantic proposal an already-engaged woman has ever had!" she kissed Alex passionately.

Olivia pulled back eventually. She smiled at Alex. "When do you want to do it?"

"I want to do it tomorrow," Alex admitted. "But we can't, not yet. We have to get this out of the way, and we have to give Jay – and Sarah – time to recover. It'll be beautiful in the fall there, all those colors. Late August? Early September? Something like that."

Olivia smiled. "That'll give us time to plan the dream wedding."

"We don't need to plan. I don't need a fancy wedding, Liv. I've never dreamt of that, not like some little girls. I just need you, Lily, and our family there."

Olivia nodded. "That's all I need. Though we should invite Wheels and May too."

"I'm going to be Mrs Benson," Alex said, in awe.

"Yeah," Olivia agreed with a smile of delight. "So am I!"


	23. Chapter 23

"I know," Jay's voice was small and scared.

"I didn't want to either," Carolyn said. "I hated the idea of counseling. But she's really helped me. She's _still_ helping me."

"You still go?" Jay was surprised.

"Twice a month," Carolyn said. "Just to keep myself on track. She's real nice, Jay. She helped me deal with the assault. You tell yourself it wasn't your fault, that you didn't do anything wrong. But actually believing it is quite another matter. I don't know about you, my darling, but I don't think I ever really believed it wasn't my fault."

"What do you believe now?" Jay whispered.

"I know it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It doesn't matter what triggered him, or what I did to make him so angry. Nobody deserves to be raped. _Nobody_. And that message has finally gotten through to my brain. I don't want to push you. But, for Sarah's sake if not your own, can I make an appointment for you?"

Jay looked up sharply at the mention of Sarah. "I promised her I'd get help," she said. "I'm scared, Carolyn. I thought I was over it all. I'm so happy with Sarah. She gave me my life back. And now, if I do this, I'll have to go through it all over again. I had thought it was over."

Carolyn took her hand. "The awful truth, Jay, is that it's never completely over. But you do learn to live with it. To do that, though, you have to process it all, or it will just eat away at you. I know how you're feeling. I know you're scared. The whole idea of counseling, it's terrifying. I know that. But I'm here to tell you, it does help. Truly."

"I'm still going back to work next week," Jay said, a hint of defiance in her tone.

"This won't stop you going back. She's very flexible, she'll make time for you, when it suits you."

Jay nodded. "Okay," she whispered.

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"How do you feel you are coping, Alex?"

Alex looked at her counselor. She took a deep breath. "Okay, I guess. It's been an awful week. Some of it. But Olivia's agreed to marry me. This year. In Canada," she couldn't suppress a smile of pure pleasure. "So it hasn't been all bad."

The counselor smiled. "That's great news. She's very good for you. Lily is too. You're doing very well, Alex. You've come a long way. You're so much stronger now. Can you feel that?"

"I suppose I can," Alex agreed. "I'm not so scared now. And when I am scared, I know I can talk to Liv."

"This latest development in the family, how is it affecting you?"

"It's affecting us all. Jay is like a daughter to us. Seeing her going through something like this... it's … it's just awful. And I know Liv hates it. She can't get away from it; she's working the case."

"Should she be doing that? With her connection?"

"Probably not. But this way at least she can help shelter Jay; she's with her whenever she has to talk to anyone. It makes a big difference."

"So you feel have to support Olivia through this, as well as Jay?"

"I don't feel I have to. I _want_ to. Truth is, we're propping each other up. But I'm fine. Really I am. We'll all get through this. It's awful, seeing Jay, and Sarah, having to go through it. But I know they'll be okay. They had already partly dealt with it, so that makes it a little easier, I guess."

The counselor smiled. "I'm glad to hear you talking so positively. Now tell me, Alex. Have you had any more thoughts about trying for a baby?"

Alex nodded. "We've spoken about it once or twice. There hasn't really been much time lately. But I still want to go ahead, when it's right. I know I should wait until I've finished the pills. But that's only two months away. I'd like to try then. What do you think?" Alex held her breath, dreading the counselor's answer.

"It was hard for you last time, to get pregnant. How do you think you'll be about it this time? What makes you think it'll be any easier to handle?"

"I'm expecting it to be hard, this time. And I know I could even be infertile, after what happened. So I'm going to try not to get my hopes up. And we'll talk, me and Liv. All the way, we'll keep talking. She's said she can try and carry our next child if it doesn't work for me. If I want her to."

"And would you want her to? How would it be for you, watching her pregnant?"

"I don't know," Alex said, honestly. "I'd be envious, sure. But having another child is so much more important than me carrying it. Lily... well, Lily's just … she's fantastic. I know I couldn't love her any more if I'd given birth to her. She's totally my daughter. And Liv knows that. I guess we just have to keep talking."

"Well, I think we can start to wean you off the anti-depressants. We can't just cut you off cold turkey; you need a phased withdrawal. Your doctor will be able to advise you on dosage. I'll email her now, send her my recommendations. I think you should make an appointment with her as soon as you can."

"How long will it take before I'm done?" Alex had forgotten about the slow withdrawal. Her heart sank at the extra time that would be needed.

"I think we can do it in ten weeks, if you suffer no ill-effects. But you have to be honest with me, Alex, about how it's affecting you. It may hold you up a few months in your plans, but getting – and staying – well is the most important thing for you right now. For Olivia too. She wants you to be healthy at your wedding, doesn't she?" she smiled again. "I don't anticipate any problems. But I want you to keep coming to me twice a week still, so we can monitor the situation between us."

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"I'm at the pharmacy," Alex spoke into her cellphone. "I'll be home soon. Where are you?"

"I'm just leaving. I'll pick Lily up from Rosie's. What are you doing at the pharmacy? Are you sick?"

"I'm fine. I'm picking up more pills. Lower dosage. They're going to start weaning me off. If all goes well, I'll be off them in ten weeks."

"Are you sure you're ready?" Olivia said, before she could stop herself.

"I'm sure. I'll see you soon. Don't worry Liv. It's all good," Alex smiled as she hung up.

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**Three days later**

"I'll take this one," Elliot said. "You stay in the car. You look exhausted, Liv."

Olivia shook her head. "Thanks, but no. We should both go. Who knows how she's going to react? She never reported her abuse, so she won't be happy to see us."

"Only three victims reported, out of … how many?" Elliot flicked through the file.

"Eleven. So far," Olivia sighed. "It's barbaric, what she did to these women. We'll get her," she said, determinedly.

"We've got her already. And with Donnelly on board, she's never seeing the outside of a prison cell again."

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"I'm coming," Alex called, when she heard the knocking on the door. "I'll be right there. C'mon, baby girl," she scooped Lily into her arms, "you're coming with me."

Alex peered through the peep-hole, and saw a clearly pissesd Caryn standing the other side. She opened the door.

Caryn stared at her, and saw the flour in her hair and the mess all over Lily, and burst out laughing. "Baking? Teflon? Surely not."

"I can bake," Alex defended herself, smiling. "And Lily is helping me. Lily, say hi to your Evil Auntie Caryn."

Lily grinned, knowing that a visit from Caryn meant fun and laughter. "Hi Vilanti," she said.

"Oh you are such a cutie," Caryn smiled at her. "I was in such a bad mood, and then I saw your face, and it's all better."

"What's better?" Alex gestured to a chair by the kitchen table. "You don't mind if we finish up here first? We'll only be a few minutes."

"You go ahead, Teflon. The Stepford Wives have nothing on you," Caryn laughed.

"I'll put the kettle on in just a moment," Alex promised.

"Kettle? Don't you have anything stronger?"

Alex laughed. "There's a bottle of Chardonnay chilling in the fridge. Corkscrew's in the second drawer down. You know where the glasses are."

"You'll join me?"

Alex grinned. "I most certainly will!"

Caryn peered over Alex's shoulder, as Lily tried very carefully to use the duck-shaped cutter to cut out the cookies. "Hey, Lily, you're real good at that. Do you think if I ask your mommy very nicely, she'll let me have one of those when it's baked?"

Lily nodded. "Mommy will let you. Mommy likes you."

Caryn threw her head back and laughed. "Out of the mouths of babes! Gotcha Teflon. I have it on good authority that you like me."

"Only when you behave," Alex looked at her threateningly. She saw the lines of tension on Caryn's face. "You didn't tell us what you're doing here," she said, more gently. "That's it, Lily. Good girl. Now this one," she guided her hand.

"Nowhere else to go," Caryn said, glumly, taking a large gulp.

Alex looked at her, and raised one eyebrow. "Your apartment?" she suggested.

"She threw me out. Oh it's okay," she saw Alex's stricken expression. "It'll be fine. These damned hormones get her all riled up, and she throws a tantrum. She'll cool down."

"What triggered the tantrum?"

"I bought the wrong washing powder," Caryn laughed as she spoke.

"And she threw you out for that?"

"She threw me out for suggesting she can get her own damned washing powder, if she's that particular. Hey, I'd had a tough day too. I get snarky when I'm tired."

Alex smiled. "That's it, baby girl," she helped Lily wash her hands, and lifted her off the chair on which she was standing. Arms up," she said, and Lily obediently put her arms above her head, enabling Alex to peel the grubby t-shirt from her. "You can stay just in your vest for now; we'll get you in the bath real soon," she said.

"Can I go play?" Lily asked.

"Sure you can, chipmunk. Call me if you need me. And I'll put these in the oven right now, so they'll be ready when Mama comes home, and you can both have one before your bedtime."

Lily gave a huge smile, and toddled off.

Alex pulled up a chair at the table. She lifted her glass, savoring her first sip. "God, that's good," she said. She looked at Caryn, who was already two-thirds of the way down her glass. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Caryn smiled. "I'm fine. Truly," she laughed. "I know Abbie's just feeling tense right now. And I can understand that. She wanted a fight, so I answered back. If I'd told her I understood how she was feeling, and that it was okay, she would have been even more pissed. So I gave her something to shout at. She'll text soon," she fished her phone out of her pocket. "And I'll go home. _And_, if I'm lucky, we're going to have a great time making up."

Alex threw her head back and laughed, a full, throaty laugh that came from deep down. "Make-up sex," she said wistfully. "You can't beat it."

"Does that mean you need us to argue more?" Olivia's voice came from the door of the kitchen. She was smiling, and carried a large bunch of white tulips. "Here," she passed them to Alex, kissing her tenderly. "These are for you."

"What did I do to deserve these?"

"You're you. That's enough," Olivia said. "Hey, Caryn, what brings you here?" she kissed her on the cheek.

"She needs sanctuary, until Abbie summons her for make-up sex," Alex declared, making them all laugh.

Caryn shrugged. "That's about it. It won't be long now. Half an hour, and this little fella," she nudged her phone, "is going to beep."

"And so's the oven," Alex told Olivia. "Lily has been baking cookies. She's playing in her room right now."

"I'll just go say hi," Olivia said. "While you pour me a glass of that," she gestured to the wine bottle.

Alex smiled, and poured. She went over to a cupboard, and pulled out a second bottle, which she put in the fridge. "Just in case," she winked at Caryn.

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"These are delicious, Lily-bean," Olivia smiled. "Caryn, you gotta try one of these."

Caryn took a bite, and smiled. "I'm gonna have to take you home with me, Lily Alexandra. We need someone who can cook for us!"

Lily laughed. "Mommy can teach you to cook," she said. "Mommy and Mama are teaching me."

"I know what to do. It just never turns out right. I don't have the magic touch like you do."

Caryn's phone beeped. She turned to read the message, smirking as she did so.

"What does it say?" Alex asked, a twinkle in her eye.

"Nothing I care to repeat in front of young ears," Caryn. "Well, thank you for your hospitality, and thank you, Lily, for the _scrummy_ cookie. I'm off home to Abbie now."

"Vilanti?" Lily asked. "Does Auntie Abbie want a cookie?"

Caryn smiled sweetly at the toddler. "I think Auntie Abbie would love a cookie. Can I take her one?"

Lily nodded solemnly. "Mommy?"

Alex nodded, and wrapped a cookie in paper and passed it to Caryn.

Caryn hugged Lily. "You're a very special little girl," she said.

"Take her this, too," Olivia reached into the freezer and took out a carton of ice cream. She dropped it in a bag and handed it to Caryn. "Pregnant ladies love ice cream. Trust me on this one."

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Jay emerged from the counselor's office, looking a little shaken. She smiled when she saw Sarah waiting for her on the couch. "I'd like to pay," she said to the receptionist.

"It's already paid," the receptionist said. "A course of 20 appointments."

Jay looked startled. Sarah put her hand on the small of her back. "I bet Mom did that," she said, softly. "Do you mind?"

Jay's eyes filled with tears. She shook her head, unable to speak without crying. She smiled at the receptionist, and headed toward the elevator. She pressed the button, and then felt Sarah's hand in her own. "Are you okay?" Sarah's voice was tender.

"I am now you're here," Jay said. "I didn't know you were coming. You should be at work."

"I worked through lunch, so I could take an hour off. I just wanted to be here today. I hope that's okay?"

"It's more than okay," Jay kept a tight hold on her hand as they walked into the empty elevator. When the doors shut, she turned and buried her face in Sarah's front. "Everything makes sense when I'm with you," her voice cracked.

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"I'm just gonna take a shower," Sarah called, as she threw her bag on the bed. "I won't be long."

Five minutes later, she was just rinsing the shampoo from her hair when she heard the door of the shower opening, and she felt the familiar arms of her lover embrace her from behind. "Hey, sweetheart," she said. "I thought you were checking your emails."

"I was," Jay kissed the back of her neck. "Nothing interesting. And I got lonely," she held her closer.

Sarah smiled. She put one hand over Jay's hand. "You have such soft skin," she whispered.

"Right back atcha," Jay's voice was soft. She brought one hand up from Sarah's waist to cup a full breast. "Is this okay?" she asked, a little nervously.

"Of course it is, sweetheart. You know that," Sarah kept her voice as gentle as she could.

Jay turned Sarah in her arms, so that she was facing her. She kissed her deeply, but so tenderly and with such love Sarah just wanted to cry. Even after all she had been through, Jay was still the same; so loving, so gentle and kind.

Sarah touched her cheek. "You know how much I love you, don't you?" she whispered, as the water pounded over both of them.

Jay nodded. She kissed her again, moaning involuntarily at the sensation. Her hand returned to Sarah's breast, toying with the hardening nipple. She slid her other hand down Sarah's flat stomach.

Sarah looked at her keenly. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked. "I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for."

"I want to," Jay whispered. "But Sarah?" she cupped her face with both hands, before placing the softest kiss on her lips. "I want you to know... what we do, together, this... it has nothing to do with what she did. _Nothing_. It bears no relation. Being with you, like this," she placed her hand lightly over Sarah's center, "has always been such a joy for me. You make me happier than I ever imagined possible. After _her_," she spat the word, "I was sure I'd never be able to make love again. "I was terrified of the prospect," she admitted, for the first time, even to herself. "But when I met you, all that fear fell away. All of it. There has never been a moment, even a split second, when I have felt uncomfortable with you. So I don't want her to start affecting us now. We haven't made love for over a week, but that isn't because I think of her when I'm with you. I've just had too many things going on in here," she tapped her head. "Let me do this for you now. Let me wash her away. Please?"

Sarah didn't bother to hide her tears. Jay was being so open, so honest, with her, that the least she could do was to be honest about her own emotions. "You amaze me," she said. "Every time, every day, you amaze me. I hit the jackpot when I met you, I truly did."

Jay kissed her again, her heart beating faster as she felt her respond. The feel, the taste of Sarah was something that could never get enough of. She nuzzled her neck, and made her way slowly to her breasts, grinning as she found her nipples rock hard and begging for attention.

Slowly, sensuously, lovingly, she brought Sarah to a powerful climax, drawing out the delicious moment for long minutes with her talented tongue and fingers.

When Sarah finally slumped against her, the water still beating down on both of them, Jay felt a sense of joy, of relief, that Sarah trusted her to be honest about their intimacy. She would not allow their lives to be overshadowed by the past. The future was too precious, as well as the present. As long as she had Sarah, she could overcome anything.

After a few minutes of holding each other, Jay shut off the water, and led Sarah out of the shower, wrapping them both in the same warm towel. They shuffled together to the bedroom, still kissing and touching, and got into bed, holding each other tight.

Sarah kissed Jay, her hand tangling in her damp hair. "God you are so beautiful," she said. "Yet every day you get more beautiful."

Jay smiled, and guided Sarah's soft lips to her nipple, gasping at the sensation of her hot tongue on the bejeweled bud. "Sarah?" Jay's voice was almost inaudible.

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Would you go down on me?" Jay's voice shook. "Just your tongue, this time? I think I'd really like that."

Sarah smiled. "So would I," she kissed her softly. "I can't think of anything I'd like more."

Sarah was so gentle and loving that Jay cried out in ecstasy when she came, long and hard. She was overwhelmed with emotion. She had made herself completely vulnerable, and Sarah had shown her nothing but love and tenderness. Whatever trials they had to face in the coming weeks, they would come through it stronger than ever, she was sure of that.

When Sarah climbed back up her body, her own face wet with tears, she found Jay in a similar state. The two women clung together, their breathing slowly calming as they found solace in the embrace. They held each other close all night, forgetting all about dinner, seeking and gaining comfort from the other's naked flesh.

&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&

"Five months," Caryn caressed Abbie's belly as they snuggled together on the couch. "We're over half-way there."

Abbie nodded. "What's wrong, Carmichael? You look tense." Caryn's tone was lightly teasing.

"I want you to meet him," she spoke after almost a minute of silence. "He's real pleased about the baby, and he says he wants to be involved. But that means he's going to be a part of our family. So you have to meet him. I want you two to get along. I _need_ you to get along."

Caryn nodded. "I know. It's just … weird, you know? Knowing about him is one thing; meeting him is a whole 'nother ball game. It makes him … real."

"Did you think he was imaginary?" Abbie replied acerbically, gesturing to her belly.

Caryn smiled. "Ha ha. You know what I mean. I know I should meet him. I'm just saying … I'm not looking forward to it. I'm sure he isn't either."

"He says he'll fly here any time we want. This weekend? Get it over and done with. He wants to be a good dad, as much as he can. It won't be easy for him, his life is in Washington. But he'll visit regularly. He's a good guy, Caryn."

"Is he good-looking?" Caryn asked, obscurely.

"Really good-looking," Abbie smiled. "Poster-boy handsome."

"Thank God. At least our baby will be gorgeous. With both your looks," she kissed Abbie, "Carmichael Junior is gonna get a good start in life."

"With you as his other mother, the kid's really falling on its feet," Abbie said, sincerely.

"Or _her_ other mother," Caryn reminded her.

"We've got another scan next week. Are you sure you don't want to find out?"

Caryn shook her head firmly. "I wanna surprise," she declared. "You?"

"I want what you want, C."

"It's not like you not to have an opinion," Caryn teased.

"Oh I have lots of opinions. Just not about that."

"For instance?"

"For instance," Abbie flicked a button on Caryn's shirt. "It is my considered opinion that this shirt does not show you at your best."

"So I should change shirts?" Caryn knew damned well that was _not_ what Abbie was implying.

"In my opinion? No. I think," she popped one button open, "I think you could achieve your best look without all this unnecessary fabric," a second button fell open. "That's just my opinion, of course," she grinned, as she slid a hand through the gap. The third button gave way, and Caryn's breathing hitched as Abbie pushed her hand into her bra. "To be fair," Abbie's fingers found their target, "this particular garment," she fingered the dark blue silky bra, "is one of my favorites. But I can't help believing that you might look even better without it. Well, would you look at that," she grinned as she scooped out her full, creamy breast. "It looks like I was right!"

"I'm gonna make you a deal," Caryn's voice was low and lustful. She pushed Abbie away gently, and got to her feet. She put out both hands to pull Abbie up.

"Oh yeah?" Abbie could see her eyes glinting with lust.

"You come with me in here," Caryn led Abbie toward the bedroom, "and you make love to me until I scream for mercy, and I'll meet Jeff this weekend. And," she squeaked as Abbie's mouth found her plump nipple, "I promise to behave."

"And I promise to _misbehave._ Right now. A lot," Abbie pulled them both onto the bed. "Christ, C, you are so damned hot."

"That's your _opinion_," Caryn teased.

"Oh no. That is an absolute, incontrovertible, undeniable fact," Abbie was dragging her jeans down her long, muscular legs. She grabbed Caryn's hand, and pulled it to her own breast, gasping as her finger caressed her nipple. Her breasts were still hyper-sensitive, and Caryn knew just how to take advantage of that fact.

"If you don't get naked, _right now_," Caryn growled. "The deal's off," Abbie's shirt hit the floor before she even finished her sentence.

&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&

"Alex says it'll likely last just over two weeks, with all the witnesses she saw on the list yesterday," Jay kept her voice calm as she relayed the information to Sarah as they worked together in the kitchen to prepare dinner. Jay still left the majority of the cooking to Sarah, but she enjoyed being with her during dinner preparations, and helped with simple tasks like chopping vegetables. It felt natural to work together, and she loved taking instruction from Sarah, who knew just exactly how everything should be done.

Sarah looked up from the pot she was stirring. "So," she said quietly. "A month from now, it could all be over."

Jay nodded.

"They've told me to take all the time I need," Sarah said. "I still have three and a half weeks' vacation left this year, and even if it goes over that, I can take the time unpaid."

"I'm not going to the trial," Jay said, thickly, tears threatening. "Not until I have to testify, and that's toward the end of the process. I can't bear to hear it all. I can read it afterward in the newspaper, if I want. Anyway, I'll be at work."

Sarah looked shocked. "At work?"

Jay looked defensive. "It'll be easier. For me."

"Did you discuss it with the counselor?"

"She says I should do whatever I feel I need to. I need to work. I need to keep busy."

"Okay, sweetheart, you do whatever you feel is best. How long will your testimony take, does Alex know?"

"She thinks not much more than an hour, maybe two. Of course, they can't know what the defense will ask, but she doesn't think they'll have much. Especially not by that point in the trial."

"I'd like to be there with you," Sarah said. "But you may not want me in the courtroom? Remember Mom?" she reminded Jay that Carolyn had banned Sarah from being in court when she testified against her father.

"I'd like you to be there. If it wouldn't be too hard on you. You know it all, anyway. There's nothing I've held back, I swear."

"It won't make it harder for you?"

"No. It's going to be awful. I know that. But looking out and seeing your face. It'll give me the strength I need."

"You're the strongest person I know, Jay," Sarah took her hand.

"Only when I'm with you. When I'm with you, I feel I can conquer the world."

"We'll conquer it together, huh?" Sarah kissed her. As she did so, the doorbell rang.

"Saved by the bell," Jay teased. "I'll go."

Jay peered through the peep-hole, and was surprised to see Mickey, one of her colleagues, standing in the hallway. He was one of her favorites; he was in his mid-40s, married, with two children and a sweet wife who baked cakes for them all at the fire station. Today, he looked awkward and embarrassed. He was carrying a small paper sack.

She opened the door, and smiled. "Hey Mickey," she said, "come in," she ushered him into the apartment. Sarah was coming out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a towel. "You know Sarah, right?"

He nodded, and smiled. "Hey," he said to Sarah, pleasantly.

"What can we do for you?" Jay asked. "Can I get you a drink?"

He smiled. "I brought just the thing," he thrust the small bag at Jay. "Got you this."

Jay pulled a bottle of expensive whisky out of the bag. "This is the real thing, Mickey, what is this in aid of?"

His face clouded over. "It was in the evening paper," he said. "Jakie, we had no idea."

Jay went white.

"I … I … it's not …," Jay couldn't find the words.

"I know, kiddo," he said, his friendly face contorted with anguish. He pulled her into a warm hug. "We … the guys … we all just wanted you to know we're on your side. Every step of the way."

Jay accepted the hug for what it was; a colleague – a friend – offering support and solace. "Thanks Mickey," her voice was muffled. "It means a lot."

Sarah disappeared, returning a moment later with three glasses. "Let's drink to the trial," she suggested softly. "To a successful outcome."

"And to that bitch going down for ever," Mickey added. He smiled warmly at Jay. "It'll all be okay, kiddo," he said.

"I know," Jay was surprised to feel strong and happy. "It will."


	24. Chapter 24

**[sorry this is so short... v busy right now. Will try and update soon! ;)]**

Vanessa smiled as she saw Jay enter the coffee shop after her shift. She finished serving the customer, and took a cup of tea over to Jay.

Jay smiled. "Hey," she kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks. Is Pop here?"

"He's at the court house," Vanessa said. Jay's face registered brief shock, before she schooled her features to a neutral expression. "You didn't know," Vanessa said softly, sliding into the seat opposite her. She reached out for Jay's hand. "He says he feels he has to be there. He knows you don't want to be, and he respects that. But he says he's gonna be there, every minute. I couldn't stop him," she looked anxiously into Jay's tense face.

Jay swallowed. "S'okay. That's just like Pop. That's what I'd expect him to do. Alex is there today too. I think she plans to be there for the whole trial, though she hasn't said so directly."

"He won't stay for your testimony. He knows that's going to be hard enough, and he realizes you likely won't want your dad hearing all the details."

Jay looked relieved. "It's not that I don't want him there … I … I … it's just, I think, sometimes these things are harder for the families. I'm getting over it. Truly, I am. Sarah has been so sweet."

"She's a sweet girl," Vanessa smiled.

"She's my hero," Jay said simply. "Coping with all she's had to cope with. You wouldn't know it, you really wouldn't." She grinned. "I love her," she said, simply.

"You two are perfect for each other. Hell, she can even cook!" Vanessa winked.

"And here she is," Jay looked up to see Sarah coming through the door.

Vanessa watched them as they greeted each other, and knew in her heart that they would both be okay. Jay visibly relaxed when she spotted her girlfriend, as if all the stresses of the day had fallen away. She stood to welcome her, melting into her warm hug.

After almost a minute, Sarah pulled back from the embrace. "Hey, sweetheart," she said. "How was your day?"

Jay shrugged. "The usual. Couple of call-outs. Some paperwork. Shot some hoops out the back for a while."

"Did you beat the guys?" Sarah asked.

Jay grinned. "Of course. He's not here," she nodded at Vanessa.

"The trial?" Sarah guessed. "Well, that's no surprise. That's where you'd be Jay, in his position. Tell me you wouldn't," she challenged her gently.

Jay nodded. "I expect it'll soon finish for the day," she said, trying to stop her voice cracking. "Is he coming back here, or going straight home?"

"I'm picking him up in a half hour," Vanessa admitted, "we'll go home then. Hey," she had an idea. "I'm cooking lasagne tonight. I know it's one of your favorites, Jay. Why don't you two come over for dinner? I expect we'll eat around 7pm."

Jay looked at Sarah to gauge her reaction; Sarah could tell she wanted to see her father. "That'd be great," Sarah smiled. "Save me having to cook."

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Alex stopped by the precinct on her way home, finding Olivia at her desk. Olivia looked up, her exhausted face breaking into a smile at the sight of her fiancée. "Alex," she said, softly. She got up to greet her, hugging her lightly. They tried to avoid too much contact in work situations, but she had been at work since a call-out at 4.30am, and she just wanted to touch her, however briefly.

"You look like crap," Alex said, drily. "Will you be much longer?"

Olivia looked at her watch. "Maybe an hour? I have to get through these."

"Can I stay while you do them? I won't distract you, I swear; I have the crossword."

"Of course," Olivia smiled.

"Let me go across the road and get you a decent coffee at least. What about Stabler? Where is he?"

"He's in with Cragen, he'll be right out. And I'm sure he'd love a coffee too."

Alex returned ten minutes later, with a box full of coffees, and a selection of danishes, making her very popular with all the tired detectives.

Finally, at 8pm, Olivia put down her pen. "Done," she smiled, tiredly. "Damn, I meant to call Rosie and talk to Lily."

"I called when I went out for the coffees. She's fine, Liv, she was looking forward to staying the night with Rosie and Melinda. I'll see her first thing tomorrow morning, and I'll take her to daycare before court starts."

"Was it awful?" Olivia didn't want to ask about the court case, but she couldn't help herself. She had wanted to be there too, but she had to work.

Alex blinked, holding herself together. "It's kinda weird. You'd think … the amount of times I've been in court, dealing with sexual assault cases. But … when it affects someone you know. Someone you _love_ … it takes on a whole new meaning."

"It must have been weird too, just watching, huh? How did Liz do?"

Alex smiled. "I'd forgotten just what a demon she is, on this side of the bench. She's ripping her to pieces Liv."

"What was she like?" Olivia asked, quietly.

"She's pretty. Blonde. But she's dead behind the eyes. You can tell. She pretends to be sweet and innocent. But her eyes when she gets a question she doesn't like... she has the meanest eyes I've ever seen. I can't wait to see Liz get her all riled up. She doesn't look to me like she'll keep it together."

"And how was Joe?"

"He was in pieces. I tried to get him to eat lunch with me, but he was so upset, he could barely drink his coffee, let alone eat. He says he's going to be there, every minute. He wants her to know what effect her actions have had. And when Joanne, the first girl, gave evidence, I don't think I've ever seen a man cry like he did. It's almost like he's punishing himself, being there the whole time."

"Maybe he thinks it's the best way to understand what she went through? And if he hurts, he feels in some way like he's taking some of the hurt away from her."

"I look at things differently now," Alex admitted. "Since Lily. If somebody … anybody … tried," she stumbled over her words.

"I know, baby," Olivia touched her hand gently. "I know. Let's go home. Just you and me tonight. We'll order take-out, and relax together on the couch. I want to hold you tonight."

Alex nodded, blinking away tears.

a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&

As the water pounded down on them in the shower, Sarah and Jay held each other tight. They hardly spoke, each drawing strength from the other's warm body. Sarah kissed Jay softly. "You still wanna work tomorrow?" she asked her.

Jay nodded. "I need to work," she said, simply.

"'kay," Sarah kissed her again.

After about fifteen minutes, Sarah reached behind her and shut off the shower. She wrapped Jay in a warm towel and passed her her robe, drying herself off quickly and donning her own robe. Jay padded after her into the living room. "I know it's a warm night, but why don't we light the fire?" Sarah suggested. Jay nodded.

Sarah lit the fire, while Jay curled up on the couch. She then went to the kitchen, snagging the bottle of whisky that Mickey had brought, and grabbing two glasses. She returned to the living room, and set the bottle and glasses on the small table by the couch. "Move over," she insinuated herself onto the couch with Jay, so that she was sitting behind her. Jay instinctively curled into her.

Sarah reached over, and poured two generous measures, passing one to Jay. "I never heard you call your dad 'Daddy' before," she said after a few minutes of silence.

Jay took a sip of her drink. She nodded. "I suppose … sometimes I just feel like my daddy's little girl. Today was one of those days. I didn't realize I had said it."

Sarah caressed her cheek. "You have such beautiful skin," she whispered. She kissed her very tenderly. "Your father loves you very much."

"I know. He looked awful, didn't he? Haunted?"

"He needs to do it. It'll be over by the end of next week. Why don't we do something to celebrate, when it's all finished?"

"I want to do something for Pop. Let him know how much I love him."

"You were going to fit that new shower for him, weren't you? I have an idea," Sarah tightened her arms around her. "I'll take a couple of days' vacation, and I'll help you do it when you aren't working. And then we'll take a couple of days at the cabin. Just you and me. And, this time, _no_ chickenpox. What do you think, Jay?"

"I think I love you more every day," Jay whispered.

a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&a&

"It made me realize," Alex said as she held Olivia that night. "I need to get out there again. I'm getting stale. I need to start working."

"Do you feel ready for that, Alexandra? You've had a hell of a time of it, honey."

"Maybe not as an ADA. Not yet. I just want to feel I'm doing something. Using my skills. I used to feel I was making a difference … sometimes … not often enough," she said, wryly.

"You _did_ make a difference. A real difference. And you still do. The difference you make in my life … it's incalculable."

"Corn dog," Alex teased. "I mean it though. Just part time to start with. Maybe two days a week. Civil liberties, maybe. That would please Munch! Or," she was becoming more animated, "maybe I can do some pro-bono work for the women's shelter? So many abused women have little or no real representation. I know, some of the cases I saw, women had their children taken away unfairly. I could help them get help."

"Help them help themselves?"

"Exactly that. I'm going down there after the trial is over."

"You sound excited," Olivia smiled, delighted that Alex was showing her old spark, and eagerness.

"I am. For the first time in months, I really feel passionate about something. Something other than you," she teased, holding Olivia close.

"Good save, Cabot," Olivia said, drily.

"Benson," Alex reminded her.

Olivia smiled widely. "Of course. Benson. Alex Benson. My woman. My old lady. My other half. My _better_ half."

"And soon to be your wife," Alex smiled. "Five months from now, baby. I can't quite believe it."

"Are you nervous?"

Alex laughed. "I thought I would be. Now we have it booked. But I'm really not. I'm so calm, even I can't believe it."

"Me too," Olivia said. "Maybe we'll get nervous nearer the time?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't think we will. I really don't. It just all seems so simple. We're going to be together for ever. It makes sense that we be married. I am so sure, Liv," she laced her fingers with Olivia's, "with every fiber of my being, that there is no-one else in the world for me."

"No-one else who could put up with you," Olivia teased.

"That too," Alex laughed.

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"It's come round so fast," Jay's hands shook as she sat on the bench outside the courtroom.

Sarah took both hands and held them lovingly. "Two hours, tops, it will all be over," she said, quietly. "And I'll be there. I won't take my eyes off your face. If you feel shaky, just look over at me. I'm strong enough for us both, sweetheart. And I know you can do this. You're the bravest person I know."

"I don't feel very brave today."

"You're here. You're ready. And you remember what Liz told you? You're prepared. You don't have to do this though. She's never getting out, even if you can't face it. Nobody would blame you."

"She has to be made accountable," Jay said stonily. "She has to know that what she did to me, it wasn't acceptable."

"So you're going to do it?"

"You bet your ass I am," Jay smiled. She looked up, and saw her father wheeling toward her. Behind him was what looked like a whole crowd of firefighters.

Joe was smiling. "I just went to get coffee," he said. "And look who I met?"

Mickey stepped forward. He smiled at Jay. "We were on our way back from a big warehouse fire. And I thought, since we were passing … We just wanted to come in and tell you we're behind you, Jakie."

"There are three trucks parked outside," Joe smiled.

"It was a big fire," Mickey grinned. "I'd hug you, but ..." he gestured to his damp pants and grubby t-shirt.

"I don't care," Jay stood and hugged him tight, gaining much-needed strength from his warm, kind, presence. She pulled back, and looked over at her colleagues, fifteen firefighters, all looking kindly at her, wanting to support one of their own. "Thanks guys, you don't know what it means," she smiled.

"Put that bitch away," Rob called.

"We will," Jay said.

At that moment, an usher came out. "Jane Kazinsky?" he called.

Jay straightened her back. She smiled at her workmates. She took her father's hand briefly. "I love you, Daddy," she whispered.

"Are you ready, Jakie?" Joe asked, tears in his eyes.

"I am now." She took Sarah's hand, squeezing gently. "Let's go."

Sarah smiled at her, and wiped a smudge of soot from her face. "You'll knock 'em dead," she whispered.


	25. Chapter 25

"Miss Kazinsky, would you tell the court how long you had known the defendant prior to the alleged incident?" Donnelly asked Jay.

Jay swallowed. She could feel the acid building in her stomach, and was grateful that Sarah had reminded her to take her ulcer medication that morning.

"About seven months," she said, glad to hear that her voice came out fairly strong. She hated to think that she might come across weak in front of Katarina … Erica, it turned out her name was. She could barely bring herself to look at her, but she knew she was watching her closely, and she wanted her to think … to _realize_ … that she had moved on. That she had the most wonderful girlfriend in the world. She looked over at Sarah, and saw her open, loving, beautiful face, and she felt calmer. More centered. "She was my girlfriend. At least I thought she was."

"And what happened that evening?"

Jay looked again at Sarah. She took a deep breath. "I went over to her apartment. I didn't go there often, she preferred to come to my place. But I was in the neighborhood. She was so angry. I could tell she was angry. Her eyes … sometimes, when she was pissed … she had that look."

"What look?" Donnelly's tone was kind.

"Icy. But she pretended not to be pissed, she pulled herself together fast. I just thought she had had a bad day. So we had a drink. And then … then … she," Jay took deep breaths to calm herself. She sat up straight, looking Katarina/Erica straight in the eye. "Then she forced me into the bedroom, and assaulted me."

"I know this is difficult," Donnelly said. "What form did the assault take?"

"She raped me," Jay said bluntly. "She pushed me against the wall, and raped me. Vaginally. Using her fingers," she felt own voice shaking, and her eyes searched out Sarah.

"And what happened next?"

"I heard the door slam. So I assumed she had gone out. I collapsed on the bed. I felt like I had lost everything. After about ten minutes, I knew I had to get out of there. But then," she felt sick, "then I felt a rope being pulled around my wrist. Before I knew what had happened, I was tied to the bed. Face down." She could feel the tears streaming down her face, but could do nothing to stop them. She looked up, and saw Katrina/Erica. The insolent expression on her face was almost more than she could bear. She looked away, and again fixed her eyes on her lover. Sarah. The woman who loved her. She could feel her heart rate start to stabilize. She took a deep breath. "There was a flashlight on the night stand. One of those metal ones. Small. About two-and-a-half, maybe three centimeters in diameter. She used it to rape me anally. She was crazed. I've never felt pain like it."

"How long did the assault last?"

"On and off for about three hours. She kept coming back. I'd think it was all over, and then it would start up again," Jay tried to control her breathing. She had practised this with Donnelly, over and over again.

"And then?"

"I must have passed out. The pain was incredible. The next time I woke up, she was gone, and my left hand had been untied. I managed to free my other hand and my feet, and I escaped."

"Where did you go?"

"Home."

"And you didn't go to a hospital? A doctor?"

"I felt … ashamed I guess. I knew it wasn't my fault, but deep down, I felt … dirty. Embarrassed. Humiliated. I just wanted to disappear. I tried to shut it out."

"You did think to take photographs? In the mirror?" Donnelly prompted.

Jay nodded. "It was kinda like I was on autopilot. I kept the reel of film in the refrigerator."

"Reel of film? Isn't that unusual today?"

"I'm an amateur photographer. I prefer film. Digital cameras aren't the same."

"Yet you didn't develop the photographs?"

"I couldn't bring myself to. I wanted to block it out. All of it. I couldn't face it. I didn't want to deal with it."

"So what did you do?"

"Nothing. I went on. I hid my bruises carefully, and I carried on."

"Until?"

"Until I developed an ulcer. I got so sick a friend stepped in. She called my father, and he took me home with him. I took a month off work then."

"Did you tell her about the assault? Did you discuss it with your father?"

"I couldn't," Jay could see the anguished look on Sarah's face. "They just thought I had had a bad break-up. Though my friend, Vanessa, she had guessed it was something much worse. But she respected my privacy."

"So when did you decide to start talking about it?"

Jay looked at Sarah again. Sarah smiled at her. "I love you," she mouthed.

"Two years later. When I met my girlfriend. I had told myself I'd never risk falling in love again."

"You considered yourself in love with the defendant?"

Jay nodded. "I had thought I was. I know now I wasn't. Not really. I was infatuated. But real love... I know now it's two-way. It's beautiful," she could see Sarah's eyes glittering with emotion. "So when I met my girlfriend, I had to tell her. It was too big a secret. I didn't want to hide it from her."

"And when did you tell her?"

"When we got together, almost two years ago."

"Yet you still didn't contact the police?"

"I couldn't. I know now I should have. Maybe it would have stopped her from assaulting others. I wish I had," she looked directly at Katarina/Erica. "I wish I had stopped you. I _should_ have stopped you."

"So how is it that you are here today?" Donnelly guided her back to their prepared script.

"The police started interviewing her former girlfriends. She had put my apartment down as her place of residence."

"Did she live with you?"

Jay shook her head. "No. Thank God. Turns out she didn't want creditors to catch up with her. I found that out afterward … when I discovered she had emptied my bank account."

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When Sarah's father had died, and she had had to confront her feelings about him — about him raping her mother and destroying her family — she had thought she could never feel worse that she did at that moment. Sitting in the court room, watching Jay — her lover, her soulmate — talk about her ordeal, she realized that witnessing the pain of the one you love is so much worse than suffering yourself. She wanted to hold her, to reassure her, to make it all go away. She wanted to stand up and scream in the court for all the lawyers, police, everyone, to just leave her alone. But she knew that would only make it worse. Jay was holding it together. Just. Sarah was so proud, watching her beautiful, honest, kind, loving girlfriend giving her testimony.

Jay had answered all of Donnelly's questions evenly; she had given details of the assaults, and provided details of Katarina/Erica's theft of her money. When the defense attorney stood up to cross-examine Jay, Sarah thought she might pass out with the anxiety. It was at that moment, she felt Alex take her hand between her own, and gently squeeze her fingers.

As it turned out, the defense attorney had few questions. He could see that tearing into this innocent victim would only further antagonize the jury. The photographs that Jay had taken had been passed around the jury, to audible gasps of horror.

Eventually, after what seemed like days, but in reality was only an hour and twenty-three minutes, Jay was allowed to step down. Sarah stood up to leave the court with her, and it was only then that she got a really good view of Katarina/Erica. She frightened herself with the depth of feeling that she had. She had never before really known hatred; she realized, for the first time, that if it came to it, if the woman ever threatened Jay again, she could kill her. Without hesitation. The thought made her feel sick. She understood, for the first time, why some families were so keen on the death penalty.

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Jay walked out of the court a few seconds before Sarah, who left by a different door. Her father levered himself to his feet, and opened his arms to his daughter. Jay stepped into his warm embrace. She knew he couldn't stand for long without help, so she held him up physically, while he did the same thing for her mentally.

Sarah stood back, watching her lover commune with her father. After about two minutes, during which neither of them spoke, Jay pulled back and helped her father back into his wheelchair.

Joe was crying openly, and Jay kissed him on the cheek. "It's over Pop. It's over, Daddy." She turned and looked at Sarah, her heart filling with emotion. She took two steps toward her, and buried herself in her arms.

Sarah's embrace was warm and comforting. The feel of her, the scent of her, the strength and softness of her arms were nearly Jay's undoing. Sarah rocked her gently, murmuring lovingly to her.

Eventually, Jay pulled back just enough so that she could look deep into Sarah's eyes. She kissed her very softly.

"Home?" Sarah suggested quietly.

"I'll drive you," Alex said. Nobody had noticed her quietly exiting the court room.

"I've got the car," Sarah's voice was shaking.

"Then give me the keys. I'm driving you," Alex was firm. "I'll get a cab back from your apartment."

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"You look shattered," Sarah said gently to her girlfriend.

Jay's white face looked back at her. She nodded.

"Is your stomach bothering you?" Sarah asked. She knew that stress was bad for Jay's already sensitive gut.

"A bit," Jay replied, honestly. She had promised Sarah that she would be honest with her throughout this whole ordeal.

"You go sit, I'll bring you a glass of milk."

Jay slumped exhaustedly on the couch. She felt cold, exhausted and miserable. But she had done it. She had given her testimony. Even if what she had said made no difference to Katarina/Erica's sentence, she had forced her to be accountable for her actions. Olivia had been right. Knowing that justice would be done – even just confronting her attacker, though she had hated doing it – it made her feel better. She had made a stand.

Sarah was by her side a few minutes later. She handed her a glass of milk, and a hot water bottle. She disappeared for a moment, returning almost immediately with the quilt from their bed and a soft pillow. She watched as Jay drank her milk, and then helped her to settle on the couch, pulling the quilt over her and tucking her in lovingly. "I'm going to make dinner," she said. "I'll just be in the kitchen if you need anything."

Jay nodded, and turned into the pillow, exhaustion overtaking her. She felt Sarah's hand brush lightly through her hair, and her lips on her forehead. "I love you," Sarah whispered.

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"Liv? Are you okay to pick up Lily?" Alex sounded anxious.

"I'm leaving right now," Olivia reassured her. "Are you okay, honey?"

"I'm fine. I promised to give Joe a ride home. Vanessa had to go back to the coffee shop. He said he'd get a cab, but ..."

"You go, Alexandra. We'll be fine. How is he?"

"He's … just like you'd expect, I guess. He insisted on going back in, once Jay had given her testimony. Says he wants to be there every minute. I just want to help if I can."

Olivia could hear the tension in Alex's voice. They had both become very fond of Joe and Vanessa, who were so important to Jay. They viewed Jay as an integral part of their family, so her ordeal affected them all deeply. Olivia knew that, although she hadn't directly said it, Alex would also be there for every moment of the trial. So she wanted to do all she could to make that possible for her.

"Send him my love, huh?" Olivia said. "And if you need to stay with him for a while, that's fine. Lily and I will be okay together. We'll see you whenever; just text as you're leaving, so I know where you are."

Alex smiled. Olivia was always thinking of her safety. "I will," she promised.

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If possible, Jay looked worse than before when she woke. She was white as milk, and her hands were trembling. She rammed them in her pockets as she stood and made her way shakily to the kitchen.

Sarah looked up and smiled. "You want to try and eat something?"

Jay lowered herself into a chair. "I don't know," she admitted. "I'm not feeling great."

Sarah put a soft hand on her shoulder. "Maybe later," she said.

Jay nodded, but she could feel her stomach turning. She felt a warm flush throughout her body, following by icy cold. She knew she was going to be sick. "I …," she swallowed, and stood up abruptly, her hand clamped over her mouth. She bolted to the bathroom, slamming the door shut as she collapsed in front of the toilet bowl, retching uncontrollably.

Sarah knocked softly on the door, trying not to grimace at the noises she heard. "Jay?" she called. "Can I come in?"

"jus' give me a minute," Jay gasped, as her stomach erupted once more.

Normally, Sarah would have ignored her and followed her in. But she knew that, today, it was more important than ever that Jay's wishes should be followed. She couldn't bear to take an iota of control away from her. So she stood, helpless, outside the door, in agony as she heard Jay heaving painfully.

It was a full ten minutes later that Jay fell silent. Sarah knocked again. Silence. "Jay?" she called. "I'm worried about you, baby. I just want to help." Still silence. "Jay? I'm going to come in. Let me know if that's not alright."

"s'okay," Jay's weak voice came at last.

Sarah opened the door carefully, and was distraught to see Jay huddled in the corner of the room, half propped up against the wall, her breath coming in short gasps. Her face was a mask of misery, as she tried to recover herself.

Sarah knelt next to her.

"I need a clean shirt," Jay said weakly.

"I know, sweetheart," Sarah cupped her chin, wiping away a tear from her cheek. "I have a better idea. Let's get you in the tub, huh? And then you can get into bed. You're exhausted, Jay. I know you've hardly been sleeping. Maybe I can hold you while you sleep? Can I do that?"

Jay nodded; she tried to lever herself to her feet, but her limbs were like jelly. Sarah helped her to stand, and set her on the closed toilet seat. She grabbed her robe from the back of the door, and wrapped it round her shoulders. She started to fill the tub. "We'll get you nice and warm real soon," she reassured her lover. She knelt down by her, putting both hands on her knees. "It's over, sweetheart. You did it. You were so brave." She didn't bother to hide the tears in her own eyes.

Sarah guided Jay into the tub, pleased that she was letting her help her. She washed her gently, whispering soothing noises into her ear. Jay's head kept jerking forward as she struggled to stay awake.

Ten minutes later, Jay was sitting on the edge of the bed in her boxers. Sarah eased her into a loose-fitting t-shirt. She cupped her cheek, and leant forward, kissing her very softly on the lips. "How do you feel now, sweetheart?" she asked.

Jay nodded. She leant into Sarah's front, feeling Sarah's arms wrap around her. "Sorry," she mumbled.

Sarah smiled. "You need to sleep," she whispered.

"Don't leave me," Jay pleaded.

"I'm not going anywhere," she guided her down on the mattress. Swiftly, she stripped off her own clothes, donning a button-down nightshirt. She slid into bed next to Jay, gathering her into her arms. "You did it, Jay. You did it. You were amazing."

Jay had started to shake. "I don't feel amazing," she mumbled, trying to blink back tears.

Sarah kissed her on the forehead as Jay snuggled into her neck. "Let it go," she whispered. "You don't have to be brave with me. You don't have to bottle it up. I know everything now, so you don't have to protect me," she felt Jay take a shuddering breath. "It's okay. I can take it, Jay. I want to be here for you. Remember what the counselor said? Let it out, my darling," she felt Jay's trembling worsen. "Let it out. You're safe now."

Jay let out a low, almost feral moan, as she clutched tight to Sarah. All of her emotions flooded over her, and she could no longer keep herself under control. Her weeping was intense, her whole body wracked with misery. Sarah had never heard such anguished wails before, but she knew Jay needed to let it all out. Jay's grip on Sarah was almost bruising, as she clutched desperately at her, drawing strength from her love.

Sarah held her calmly, knowing that the torment would eventually end, and she would be her Jay again. She whispered loving nonsense to her, and rocked her in her arms, hoping she could bring some calm to her.

Jay wept for hours, soaking them both with her tears. Her head pounded mercilessly, but still she couldn't stop. Every emotion that she had tried to suppress came bursting out, and she clung to Sarah as if to a life preserver; her only stability.

It was after 3am when her weeping eventually slowed. Sarah kissed her softly. "I'll be right back," she promised, as she slid out of bed. She returned within a minute, bearing a glass of water and some tablets. "You need to take this," she raised Jay a little in the bed, passing her her ulcer medication. "And these," she then held out two Tylenol. She went over to the dresser and pulled out fresh nightclothes for them both. "Sit up for me a little. Good girl," she eased the dry t-shirt over her head. She stood up and stripped off her own nightshirt, reaching out for the dry garment.

"No," Jay mumbled. She reached out for her hand, pulling her back to the bed. With a shaking hand, she caressed a plump breast. "Please?"

Sarah knew immediately what she meant. She slid back under the covers, adjusting herself so that Jay was once again in her lap. Jay closed her lips around her plump nipple; Sarah could feel the tension start to dissipate from her exhausted body. She held Jay close, watching over her for hours as she finally drifted off in the arms of the woman who meant the world to her. Periodically, Jay jerked awake, but Sarah soothed her back to sleep, cradling her like a baby. "It's all over," she whispered, over and over. "You did it, sweetheart. We can look to the future now."

Sarah had already decided that she would persuade Jay to allow the doctor to visit on the following day. She also hoped that her lover would agree to a week's sick leave from work. She would take the week as vacation herself, so that she could watch over her. Jay was so vulnerable, but she had been so brave. Sarah knew she would be okay. Her lover would recover. And that was all that mattered.

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Alex heard noises coming from the bathroom, and smiled to herself. She glanced at her watch. It was a little late for Lily's bath, but she bet that Olivia had delayed it slightly in the hope that Alex would get home in time.

Alex shrugged off her suit jacket, and pulled her shirt out from the waistband of her pants. She shook her hair loose, as she approached the bathroom. All the tension of the day dissipated at the sight of Olivia and their baby girl, both laughing at the bubbles Olivia was trying to blow. Olivia looked up. "Hey, Lily, look who's here?"

Lily grinned. "Mommy! Do bubbles!"

Alex knelt by the bath. She put a soft hand behind Olivia's head and drew her into a deep kiss. She pulled back and smiled at their daughter. "So Mama's bubbles aren't good enough?" she teased.

"Mommy does best bubbles," Lily pronounced firmly. She was delighted to have both her mothers in the bathroom with her.

"Hear that Liv? It seems I'm the best," Alex grinned.

Olivia smiled. "I already knew that, Alexandra."

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Alex came out of Lily's room after settling her for the night. She walked into the kitchen, accepting the glass of wine that Olivia held out to her. "Something smells good," she said.

"Chicken chasseur. Slow-cooked, just how you like it."

"You're too good to me," Alex felt her eyes fill with tears.

"Was it awful?" Olivia asked gently.

"Yeah," Alex admitted. "I thought I'd be hardened to it. Jay was so brave, Liv. So was Sarah."

"Eat," Olivia put a plate on the table in front of her. "And then you should sleep."

Alex reached out and placed her hand over Olivia's. "I don't want to sleep," she said, in a quiet voice. "I want you, Liv. All day, I just kept thinking about you. About how lucky I am to have you."

"I'm the lucky one," Olivia said softly. She sipped at her own wine, watching as Alex ate. Alex had not missed one day of the trial, and she knew it was taking a toll on her. But she completely understood why she wanted to be there. One day, Jay – or Sarah – might ask questions, and Alex was the only one with the knowledge to answer fully. And, quite apart from her legal expertise, Alex felt she needed to be there. For Jay, for Sarah. For Joe.

When Alex had finished her dinner, Olivia took her wordlessly by the hand. She led her to the bathroom where, by mutual unspoken consent, they both undressed and got into the shower. They held each other lovingly under the water, letting the hot water wash away the tensions of the day.

In the warm bedroom, Alex shed her towel, smiling as Olivia followed her example. "I swear you get more beautiful each day," Alex whispered, as she stepped into Olivia's embrace. She kissed Olivia softly, smiling as she heard Olivia whimpering with pleasure. Alex walked Olivia backwards toward the bed, guiding her lovingly onto the soft mattress. "Oh Liv," Alex breathed as she stepped back and took in the sight of all of her. She felt her own nipples tightening as she gazed. She stepped forward and got onto the bed, one knee either side of Olivia's thighs. She kissed her deeply, with passion and intensity, her desire ratcheting up sharply at the sensation.

Olivia moaned into the kiss, bringing up her hands to cup Alex's perfect ass, pulling her down onto her, so that their bodies molded themselves against each other. They made out for long minutes, their hips starting unwittingly to rock as each tried to increase the pressure. Alex ran her hand through Olivia's hair. "It's getting longer," she whispered.

"I'll get it cut," Olivia bit out as Alex's hand reached for her breast, her fingers rolling the nipple sharply.

"I like it," Alex's voice started to shake. "Oh God, Olivia," her emotions were so close to the surface. She leant down and captured a swollen nipple in her hot mouth. She suckled and teased, her tongue toying expertly with the stiff bud.

Olivia arched up into her, gasping with desire. Alex could bring her to the very edge so quickly, her tongue, her fingers, every part of her combining to make her almost painfully aroused.

Alex continued her attentions to her breast, smiling as Olivia's movements became less controlled. The noises Olivia was making drove Alex crazy with desire. Clearly, she was not the only one who had been thinking of her lover all day. She released her breast with an audible pop, laughing at the groan of disappointment that Olivia emitted. Alex kissed Olivia again, her tongue thrusting demandingly.

"Lex," Olivia panted. "Lex … I can't … oh sweet Lord," she felt Alex's hand travel down her body and gently guide her legs apart. "I'm … oh Alexandra. I can't wait," Alex's fingers worked her expertly. She was so wet. "Baby, I'm ..."

"Just relax," Alex said huskily, her own desire almost at a peak. "I want to watch. I'm close too, baby. So close," she guided Olivia's hand to her own center, laughing at Olivia's reaction to the hot wetness she encountered. She kissed her again.

Olivia was almost incoherent with lust. She loved it when they faced each other. She pulled herself into a half-sitting position, holding Alex to her so that they were effectively sitting in each other's laps. "Oh Lex," Olivia whispered. She leant forward, and kissed a pink nipple so tenderly that Alex thought she was going to come. Her tongue flicked out and encircled the dusky bud. She put a hand behind Alex's head and pulled her to her; their kiss was passionate, and neither of them wanted it to end.

The need for oxygen eventually drove them slightly apart, and they both laughed at the desire they could see in each other. They kissed again, starting to rock in each other's arms. Alex's fingers found their way to Olivia's center once more; this time, her actions were firmer, more urgent. Within minutes, Olivia was riding her strong fingers as she started to come undone.

They came together, explosively, their bodies slick with sweat. Alex clung tightly to Olivia as the powerful aftershocks traveled through them both.

Olivia didn't speak afterwards. She knew her lover's emotions were raw, and she also knew that, in a way, their lovemaking was a way for Alex to cleanse her mind of the day's traumas. She held her close, as her breathing slowly evened out. Alex's eyes were closed, and Olivia could see the stresses of the past few weeks in her face. Olivia rocked her very gently, and was happy to feel Alex slip slowly into sleep.

When Olivia was sure that Alex was fully asleep, she lay them both down, still holding Alex close to her. She kissed her softly on the forehead. "I love you, Alexandra," she whispered.


	26. Chapter 26

"How is she?" Carolyn asked, as Sarah released her from a warm hug.

Sarah smiled. "She's good," she said. "She's just gone out to get the newspaper; she'll be back any moment."

Carolyn smiled. She could see how relieved her daughter was. "So you had a good time at the cabin?"

"It was wonderful. Just what she needed. Just what we both needed. I've just made some tea, here," she poured and passed her a mug.

The door opened again, to admit Jay, who was bearing the newspaper and a bunch of freesias. "Hey, Carolyn," she kissed her on the cheek. "What a lovely surprise. You will stay for lunch?"

"I don't want to intrude..." Carolyn demurred.

"You're not intruding. It's great to see you. We want to show you our photos from the trip. The lake looks so beautiful in the spring."

"The neighbors will be glad it wasn't snowing this time," Carolyn said, drily.

Jay handed the freesias to Sarah, who smiled and mouthed her thanks.

Sarah looked askance. "What do you mean? It never snows in May!"

"Thank goodness. Then there was no risk of another pornographic snowman!" Carolyn's eyes twinkled with mischief.

Sarah nearly spat out her mouthful of tea. "Mom!" she shrieked.

"What? You thought I wouldn't notice it?" Carolyn was laughing.

"I'd forgotten about it," Sarah said. "With Jay being so sick, and ..." she looked over at her lover, who was convulsed with laughter. "I don't know why you're laughing," she said, darkly, "it was _your_ idea in the first place."

Jay lowered herself onto the couch, tears of mirth streaming down her face. "I...," she gasped, unable to catch her breath, "it's just..." laughter took over once more.

"Did the neighbors really see it?" Sarah was the first to recover.

"I highly doubt it. The nearest neighbors are nearly a mile away," Carolyn smiled. "I was just teasing you."

Jay grinned widely. "That's it. You are definitely staying for lunch now. That's the least we owe you. I haven't laughed like that for ages!"

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"I'm just leaving now, honey, do you need anything?" Olivia always tried to call Alex when she was on her way home. "Hey, is Lily okay?" she could their daughter sniffling.

"She'll be fine," Alex said, holding Lily close in her lap. "She had a little meltdown, is all. We can't find Harry Hedgehog anywhere. We think he may have gotten lost in the park."

"Poor baby," Olivia said. She knew how much Lily loved the stuffed toy that Jay had given her when she was just a couple of months old. The toddler always insisted on taking him to bed with her, and she knew she would have trouble sleeping without him. "We'll try and find a new one tomorrow, huh?"

"That's what we've said, isn't it, Lily? We'll go out and buy a new hedgehog tomorrow," Alex soothed.

"I want Harry," Lily buried her face in Alex's front, her tears soaking her t-shirt.

"I know, baby. We'll see you soon, Liv," Alex said before she hung up the phone. "I know it's awful, Lily. It's so sad when you lose something precious, I know."

"Will he be okay?" Lily asked. "He'll get cold in the park."

Alex rocked her. "You know what I think?" she spoke softly.

Lily looked up at her mother.

"I think Harry has been found by a nice little girl. Maybe she's a little like you? And the little girl will have taken him home with her, and she's going to love him, and make him happy. So he'll be in a nice warm apartment, or maybe even a house, right now, being taken care of."

Lily nodded, her sniffles slowing. "I miss him," she whispered.

"I know, sweet baby. And he's missing you too, I'm sure," she kissed her on the top of her head. "What we need to do now is find you someone else to take to bed with you. What about Kanga?" she held up a toy kangaroo.

Lily shook her head. "Barney," she pointed at the huge dinosaur in the corner of the room.

"He's a little big, don't you think, sweetie? If he goes in the bed, where are we going to put you?" Alex smiled.

Lily gave a small smile. "Susie Snake," she pointed at the fluffy snake that lived on the bookshelf most of the time.

Alex smiled, and hugged her tight. "That's a good idea. Now Lily, I know it's bedtime. But your Mama's on the way home, and I know she'd love to see you when she gets back. Why don't we have a special treat, and we'll sit on the couch and read some stories together until Mama gets here? Then she can take you, and Susie Snake, to bed. Would you like that?"

Lily nodded solemnly. "Mommy?" she said.

"Yes, my angel?"

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, sweetie. You got sad because we couldn't find Harry. You're allowed to be sad. It'll make you happy to see Mama though, won't it?"

Lily nodded.

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When Olivia arrived home 20 minutes later, she was enchanted to see Alex holding their daughter in her lap. Lily was swaddled in a warm blanket, and Alex was talking quietly to her.

"Mommy?" Lily's voice was sleepy.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Do you take toys to bed to sleep?"

Alex smiled, not realizing that Olivia was standing in the doorway, watching them both.

"I used to, when I was a little girl," Alex said.

"What do you do if you get scared at night?" Lily asked. "I hug Harry."

Alex smiled at her. "I'm very lucky. If I get scared, or lonely, I can hug your Mama."

"What if Mama's not there?"

"Shall I tell you a secret?"

Lily nodded.

"Sometimes, when Mama's not there, or if she's going to be home real late, I take one of her t-shirts to bed with me. So if I get lonely or scared, I hold it to my face and it makes me feel all better."

"So that's why I can never find a clean t-shirt when I want one," Olivia said, a laugh in her voice.

Lily looked up. "Mama!" she cried, holding her arms out.

Olivia approached the couch, and took Lily in her arms, cuddling her tight. She smiled lovingly at Alex. "Hey, chipmunk," she held Lily close. "I'm so sorry you lost Harry."

"S'okay, Mama," Lily tried to be brave.

"You know you can always come in to us if you're scared? Any time?"

Lily nodded.

"I'm just going to check on the laundry," Alex said. "Be right back."

A minute later, Alex was back, smiling broadly. "I have something I want to show you both," she said. "Come with me," she walked back to the utility room where the washing machine was on its final cycle. Olivia followed her, Lily still in her arms. "Look," Alex said, pointing at the glass front of the washing machine.

Olivia crouched down and peered. After a few seconds, she let out a bark of laughter. "Look, Lily. Do you see there? Do you know who that is?"

Lily looked closely. "What is it Mama?"

"Look again, peanut. In the corner there. I think your Mommy has just found Harry the Hedgehog!"

Lily's face split into a wide grin. "Harry!" Her expression clouded over. "Will he be okay? He's all wet?"

"He'll be fine, Lily," Olivia reassured her. "In fact, he's going to be all clean and lovely when he comes out. We'll hang him up to dry in the bathroom, and tomorrow morning, he'll be all ready for you to play with again."

Alex had to turn away to hide her tears. The sight of her fiancée holding their beaming child was almost too much for her. Olivia noticed the glistening in her eyes, and she smiled. She had had a shitty day at work, but coming home to their family, and seeing their daughter's face light up with delight had made everything good again.

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"You have to be kidding me," Abbie said grumpily. "No way."

"Abbie," Caryn cajoled.

"It's not happening. A _baby shower_. Me! Can you imagine?"

"Your friends want to do it. They want to wish you luck. It's traditional. And the baby will be here in three weeks. We're running out of time. So everyone's coming over next Friday.

"Everyone who?" Abbie's voice held a tinge of ice.

"Alex. Olivia. Sarah. Jay. Melinda and Rosie. Amy and Robyn. Carolyn. And Louanne."

"Your _assistant_? Why would she want to come to my baby shower? She barely knows me."

"But she knows me. And she knows how excited I am about this baby. She has to listen to me talking about it all day long, and now she wants to come over and show her support. And we're doing it," Caryn was firm. "I'm not turning these people away."

"The lesbian mafia," Abbie grumbled, darkly.

"I don't think Carolyn or Louanne would like to be included in that description," Caryn kept her tone light. "Look, it was Teflon's idea. She wants you to know how pleased she is. This is a big deal for her; she's making a real effort. Don't you think it would be easier for her to pretend this whole thing isn't happening?"

Abbie looked shamefaced. "I didn't think," she said quietly. "I'm sorry."

Caryn smiled. "I know you hate things like this. But I'll do you a deal. You smile nicely and tell everyone how happy you are to see them, and I'll make sure it's something you're gonna enjoy."

"So not the traditional baby shower then?"

Caryn shook her head and smiled. "Far from it. I swear. You'll enjoy it. I have a real good idea."

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"Teflon!" Caryn bellowed down the phone.

"Caryn," Alex smiled as she passed Lily a piece of jigsaw. "It's your evil auntie Caryn," she told her daughter.

"Hi Vilanti!" Lily called.

"It's about the baby shower," Caryn got straight to the point. "She's being difficult. God help me, those hormones of hers are driving me crazy. So I want to do something different. So tell me, do you and HC play cards?"

"I ran the bridge club in my sorority at Harvard," Alex told her.

Caryn rolled her eyes. "Give me strength. Poker, Teflon. Real cards. Do you play?"

"I have, once or twice. And Olivia used to play all the time with the guys on a Friday night."

"That's good enough for me. We're playing poker on Friday. Don't tell Abbie."

"Does she like poker?" Alex asked.

"She loves it. She's a demon. I want her to do something she enjoys at her shower, and I just know discussing layettes and onesies isn't going to cut it."

Alex smiled. "We'll be there. We'll try and get some practice in before then."

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**I'll be late. I'm so sorry. Another two hours should do it. I'll get there as soon as I can. O. xxx**

_Just be safe. We'll see you later. A. xxx_

Alex sighed as she tucked her phone back in her pocket. She turned her attention back to the assembled company, and accepted a glass of wine gratefully. "I'm so sorry, Liv's just texted. She's stuck at work. She'll get here as soon as she can."

"What's wrong, Teflon? Need her to hold your hand at the poker table?" Caryn teased.

"I think I'll be okay," Alex smiled.

Just under two hours later, Olivia arrived, smiling as Caryn let her into the apartment. She kissed her on the cheek, and proffered a bottle of Wild Turkey.

"I think I'm gonna need that," Caryn said, darkly. "You never told me your girlfriend was a hustler. She's cleaned us all out. It's just Abbie left in the game with her, and she's nailing her ass to the wall."

Olivia looked over her shoulder, and grinned at the sight of Alex, with a huge mound of chips in front of her. Alex looked up at her and smiled. She turned to Abbie, and gave her an evil grin. She spread her cards on the table. "Full house," she said, trying not to smirk too obviously as she gathered up the remaining chips.

Abbie threw her cards in the air, dramatically. She burst out laughing. "You got me, Teflon," she said. "You got me good. I thought your game was bridge?"

"It is," Alex grinned. "It's true, I did run the bridge club at Harvard. I learned poker from my brother and his friends, when I was eleven. By the time I was thirteen, I was beating them all.

"Does anyone ever beat you?" Abbie asked.

"Olivia can. I won't play with her any more. She always knows when I'm bluffing, damn her," Alex blew a kiss at her lover.

"Ditto," Olivia laughed. "But we make a great team."

"Another game?" Abbie suggested.

"Oh no," Alex said. "I'm not risking all this," she picked up a fistful of poker chips.

"How much is each chip worth?" Olivia asked, a little worried at the huge stack that Alex had in front of her.

"One cent. We each put in a dollar. So your girlfriend is going home with an impressive nine dollars, leaving the rest of us destitute," Louanne laughed.

"I always knew she was ruthless," Caryn pretended to be pissed.

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"Just over two weeks?" Olivia said to Abbie.

Abbie nodded. "It's scary," she admitted.

"Is Caryn taking care of you?"

Abbie smiled softly. "She's been amazing. I've been a royal bitch, and she just takes it. Or she fights with me, but I think that's only when she can see I'm riled up and ready for a fight. But we always make it up. She's been super-supportive. She's going to be a great mom."

"So are you, Abs," Olivia told her.

Abbie looked worried. "I don't know. I'm too selfish. Putting someone else first all the time, it's … it's not _me_, you know?"

Olivia laughed. "It's not me either. But it's not like that. You'll just look into that baby's eyes, and...," she looked at Abbie. "Just let nature take its course. And let Caryn help you all she can. You are going to be so tired, you can't even imagine how tired you're gonna be. But it's worth it, Abbie," she took her hand. "It's the best thing you'll ever do."

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"That was a hell of a shower," Abbie took Caryn in her arms after everyone had left.

Caryn smiled. "Do you feel okay?" she placed a soft hand on her huge belly.

"I feel great," Abbie said, feeling a stirring at Caryn's touch. She kissed Caryn deeply, holding her as close as her belly would allow. "_You_ feel great, too," she whispered.

Caryn laughed. "_Again_, Carmichael?"

Abbie pouted. "C'mon, CW, it's been ages," she lied.

"It has been exactly five hours and twelve minutes," Caryn pointed out drily.

"|That _is_ ages," Abbie argued. "You want it as much as I do. I can tell."

"And just how do you know that?"

"First, you didn't disagree. Second, you're wearing that shirt," she fingered the soft fabric that Caryn knew drove her wild, "_and_ you left the top three buttons undone."

"Do you have any further evidence to present to the court?" Caryn teased, her voice lower than she had expected.

"I certainly do counselor. If you weren't hoping to get laid," she slid a hand inside her shirt, "then why would you wear my favorite bra?"

"Busted," Caryn breathed, as Abbie's fingers started to massage the soft flesh. "You have me bang to rights. So what are you going to do about it?" she asked, seductively.

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"Tomorrow?" Olivia was excited for Alex.

"Two days a week; maybe more if I'm needed, on an ad-hoc basis. It'll be great, Liv. I want to get out there again. And the women's shelter really needs someone who can give legal advice. On all sorts of things. It'll be good to get Lily back into a routine too. I've loved spending all week with her, but I need to get out too. Talk to adults. Maybe make a difference."

"You'll make a real difference," Olivia said, putting her arm around her waist. "I'm so proud of you, Alexandra. I know it's been awful, some of it. But you've worked so hard, and here you are, all ready to take on the world again," she smiled. "The legal system should worry. Alex Cabot is back. I mean Alex _Benson_, sorry. I keep forgetting. I love that we all have the same name now. It makes it all feel... legitimate."

"It'll be even more legitimate in three months," Alex grinned. "When I'll be able to tell everyone you are my wife. My wife," she mused. "That sounds _so_ good. My baby-mama, and soon my wife."

Olivia swallowed. "Did you think any more about...?" she hesitated.

Alex nodded. "I still don't know. I do know she wouldn't come. But … maybe … it's sort of like an olive branch. And it makes a decision for me. For us. If my mother won't accept our wedding, our family, then we don't ever have to think about her again."

"But you _do_ think about her. I know you do. And I'll bet Carolyn does too."

"Carolyn has had a different experience with her. And she knows that much of her own prejudice was based on fear. She's trying to understand what motivates her."

"Whatever you decide, I'm behind you," Olivia said gently.

Alex nodded. "Can you imagine ever turning your back on Lily?"

"Imagine if she comes home at 17 and tells us she's engaged to a 58-year-old Scientologist?" Olivia teased gently.

Alex burst out laughing. "I guess we'd try to talk her out of it...," she grinned. "But to cut her out of our lives?" she became serious again. "I just can't imagine it."

"And _that_, Alex, is why you're such an amazing mom," Olivia smiled.

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"The invitations have arrived!" Alex grabbed Olivia's hand as soon as she came home late. "Come see."

Olivia smiled. "I'm sure they're great," she said.

Alex pouted.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said quickly. "Let me see them." One of the few things that Olivia and Alex had disagreed about was the arrangements for the wedding. Neither of them wanted a big wedding, but Alex had argued that doing things 'properly', including sending printed invitations, legitimized the whole process.

"I don't want people to think this is any less a wedding than a straight one," Alex had said, voicing the fear that had been lodged at the back of her mind.

_Olivia, Alexandra and Lily Benson_

_invite you_

_to the wedding of Olivia & Alex_

_which will take place on Saturday 4 September at the Lakeview Hotel, Ontario, at 2pm._

_No gifts, no dress code._

Olivia looked over at Alex, seeing the anxious look on her face and smiled. "They're perfect. Classy. Elegant. Just like you, baby."

Alex beamed. "I still want the wedding to be low-key. I want everyone to relax, and have fun."

"It was such a good idea of yours to include Lily on the invitation," Olivia smiled.

"Graham and Carla are coming up, to visit Mom. Next week," Alex sounded anxious. "I was talking to him just before you got home. He agrees we should give her one last chance to be part of the family. So," she picked up an envelope, on which Olivia saw Alex's mom's name in Alex's elegant handwriting. "He's going to give her this. In person. So she can't make out she never received it. And then we'll know."

"Then we'll know," Olivia agreed softly. "And then we'll deal."

"Did you eat?" Alex looked at her watch; almost 10pm.

Olivia nodded. "Chinese, in the car. Ugh," she remembered.

"Come to bed then? Let me give you a massage, I'll bet you're stiff as hell."

"That would be great," Olivia smiled. "My neck has been playing up again today."

"I'll fix that for you."

"You have magic hands," Olivia allowed her to lead her to the bedroom. She kissed Alex deeply.

Alex smiled.


	27. Chapter 27

"Where the hell have you been?" Abbie rounded on Caryn as she let herself in the door of their apartment.

Caryn was confused. "You know where I've been, Abs," she said. "I've been at work."

"_Since_ then!" Abbie said, furiously.

"I came right home. You know I did. I called as I was leaving. Abbie, what's the matter? Is it the baby? Are you okay?"

Abbie's face crumpled. "It's _ages_ since you called," she said, a little more calmly, blinking away tears.

Caryn looked at her watch. "It's exactly 23 minutes, my darling. What's wrong, Abs? Do you feel bad?"

Abbie shook her head. She knew she was being unreasonable. The day had seemingly dragged on for ever, and she had been watching the clock all day, praying for Caryn to come home and cheer her up.

"Abbie?" Caryn persisted. She cupped her cheek, forcing her to meet her gaze. "What is it?"

"I got lonely," Abbie admitted eventually. "I missed you." She tried to smile.

"I missed you too. _Both_ of you," Caryn smiled and caressed Abbie's huge belly. "How are you feeling? Honestly?"

"Honestly?" this time Abbie's smile was genuine. "Bitchy. I'm sorry. I'm taking it all out on you."

Caryn smiled. "That's what I'm here for," she said, lightly. "You're allowed to have a bad day. Six days to go, now. You've been amazing." She looked more closely at her. "Your back's bothering you again?"

Abbie nodded. "It hurts like hell today," she admitted.

"C'mon," Caryn pushed her gently toward the bedroom. "Let's see if I can help. Top off," she instructed, as she rearranged the pillows on the bed, so that Abbie could half-lie without too much discomfort. She kicked her own shoes off and reached for the massage oil.

Abbie lay on the pillows, and was unable to suppress a moan of pleasure as Caryn started to work at her tight muscles.

"Why so tense?" Caryn asked gently, as she kneaded a particularly hard knot just under her shoulder blade.

"M'okay," Abbie replied. "You have magic fingers."

"That's why you keep me around," Caryn smiled.

"Nuh huh," Abbie disagreed. "Not just for the fingers," she groaned as she felt her muscles relaxing. "For the boobs. I do love your boobs."

Caryn laughed.

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Sarah smiled as she closed the door to their apartment. She smiled at Jay. "I think they liked it," she said.

"Of course they did," Jay said. "Everyone loves your lasagne. It was great to see them again. Amy seemed a little tense though, didn't you think? She looks tired."

"Robyn told me she's not sleeping well," Sarah said. "She's worried about her. She says Amy says everything's fine."

"Maybe it is?" Jay sounded doubtful.

"I hope so. They're so sweet together."

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Olivia turned over and blinked. Then she heard it again. The sound of Lily sobbing. She eased herself off the bed, trying not to wake Alex. Alex had been at the women's shelter until 10pm that night, dealing with a very harrowing situation, and Olivia wanted her to get her sleep.

Lily was weeping and muttering in her sleep. Olivia sat on her bed, and put a warm hand on her back. "It's okay, baby, you're having a nightmare. Wake up, Lily, it's all over now. Everything's okay. You're alright, sweetie."

Lily came to, seeing her mother in front of her. She flung herself into Olivia's arms, still weeping. "There was a monster," she sobbed. "A big, scary monster. He was coming to get me, and ..." her words came out in gulps as the terror receded. She felt her mother's warm, strong arms around her, and listened to her soothing voice. "I'm sorry, Mama."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lily. We all get bad dreams sometimes. It's over now, honey. You're safe. We'll always keep you safe. Your mommy and I will make sure nothing bad happens."

"Even monsters?"

"Even monsters," Olivia reassured her. "There are no monsters around here," she switched on the lamp on the nightstand. "See baby? It's just your room."

"Will you check in the closet? And under the bed?"

"I'll tell you what, baby. We'll check everything together, so you can see for yourself that everything's okay. C'm'ere," she lifted Lily into her arms, tucking a warm blanket around her, and stood up. Olivia opened every door, and looked everywhere she could to reassure her daughter. "See? It's all safe now."

Lily nodded sleepily. "Can I see the moon?"

Olivia smiled. Lily loved to look at the moon and to make up stories about the people who lived there. "Sure you can, Lily. It's real big tonight." She stood by the window, and looked at Lily's enthralled face as she stared out.

"What are you two stargazers doing?" Alex's voice was soft.

Olivia looked to see her lover standing there in her robe, holding Olivia's robe in her hand. "Bad dream," she said softly, kissing Lily on the top of her head.

Alex approached Olivia and draped her robe around her shoulders. She stroked Lily's back tenderly. "Are you alright, angel?" she asked.

Lily nodded. "I got scared," she said in a small voice. "Mama made it all better."

Alex smiled. "She does that for me too, if I have a bad dream," she kissed Olivia softly. "It's late. You wanna come snuggle with us, Lily-bean? As a special treat?"

Lily nodded, as she was overtaken by a yawn.

By the time they were all settled in bed, Lily clinging tight to Olivia, Lily was fast asleep. Alex smiled as she rested one hand on their child's back. "You're so good with her," she whispered to Olivia. "You know just how to scare her monsters away. Did your mom do that for you?"

"Once or twice, I think. When I was really small. But then … at night … she," Olivia stumbled over her words.

"Drank?" Alex said, regretting that she had brought up the subject of her mother.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah," she whispered finally, after more that a minute. "Most nights."

Alex reached out and wiped away a tear Olivia hadn't realized had fallen. "She missed out. I don't think she ever realized what an amazing daughter she had."

"She never met Lily," Olivia's voice shook. "I wish she had met her," she said, simply.

"Me too, baby," Alex said.

"When are Graham and Carla coming?"

"Friday. They're staying in New York for the weekend. They see Mother on Saturday," Alex's voice was a little clipped.

"I don't think she'll come to the wedding," Olivia said hesitatingly.

"She won't even acknowledge the invitation," Alex swallowed, her face shutting down. "I don't care," she lied. "I just want to give her one final chance, but if she can't accept who I love … who I _am_ … then, well ..." she stroked the sleeping Lily's back.

"Then she's the one who's losing out," Olivia said.

"I'll have to tell Lily about her one day," Alex realized.

"One day," Olivia agreed. "Not today, and not tomorrow. Sleep now, baby," she kissed her tenderly.

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Caryn looked at her watch. 10.53am. Her fingers itched. She wanted to phone Abbie, but she had no reason, no excuse. She had left her pregnant lover asleep that morning. Abbie had looked so beautiful, heavy with their child, her breasts full and heavy, her chiseled face ever so slightly rounded with the pregnancy. Caryn couldn't resist, she reached forward for the phone, when her intercom buzzed. Irritated, she heard the voice of her assistant Louanne.

"You have a visitor," Louanne spoke.

Caryn sighed, and got up from her seat. She wasn't expecting anyone, and hoped to meet them at Louanne's desk outside her office, to forestall them from coming in. She wanted to talk to Abbie, and she didn't welcome the interruption to her thoughts. She plastered on a fake smile, and opened the door to see … Abbie. Her lover had a wide smile, and was chatting animatedly with Louanne.

"Abigail!" Caryn scolded. "What the hell are you doing here? The baby will be here in four days, and you swore to me you wouldn't leave the apartment. God," she ran her hand through her hair, worry making her unreasonable. "Why would you take that sort of risk? It's only for a few more days."

Abbie smiled at her. Unseen by Caryn, she used her foot to shove a bag under Louanne's desk. "Don't get your panties into a knot, CW," she drawled. "Let's just go into your office for a minute. I'll explain everything."

"I don't know you think this can be explained," Caryn started to berate her anew. "I...,"

"Caryn, just hear her out," Louanne said mildly.

Caryn looked at her, annoyed, and saw the small smile on her face. She looked up at Abbie, and saw the hand that she held out. Grumpily she took it and allowed herself to be led into her own office.

Abbie kept smiling as she closed the door.

"I'm waiting for this explanation," Caryn said.

"And you'll get it. I swear. Just," Abbie cupped her face with one hand. "Kiss me first? Please? I want to feel you." She closed the gap between them, and softly pressed her lips to Caryn's. Caryn kissed her briefly and started to pull away when she felt Abbie's hand around the back of her head. The kiss was deep and passionate, and Caryn gave herself up to Abbie's ardor.

When they finally broke apart a few minutes later, Abbie was grinning. "Nobody kisses like you do," she said.

"Right back atcha, Carmichael," Caryn was still a little breathless.

Abbie guided them both to the small couch in the office. Abbie turned and faced her, taking both hands in her own. She pecked her lightly on the lips again. "I know I made you a promise. And I haven't left the apartment, I swear. But today, I have somewhere I have to be. And I wanted you with me. And your office was on my route. So it made sense."

"What the hell do you mean, you have somewhere you need to be? Where, Abbie?"

"The hospital," Abbie smiled. "Well, the maternity wing to be precise. Your child has decided it can't wait until Monday." She watched Caryn's face, and laughed as her lover opened her mouth, and then closed it, then opened it again.

Caryn put a gentle hand on her bump. "Are you sure?" she whispered, eventually.

"I'm sure. I thought it was just backache, the last few days. Turns out I've been in labor. And then two hours ago, my water broke."

"Oh my God, Abbie," Caryn looked panicked. She got up. "Let me call an ambulance. We need to get you to a doctor."

Abbie reached out and caught her hand. "Sit," she commanded. She took her other hand. "I'm fine, Caryn. This is how it's supposed to happen. I've been on the phone to the hospital. They say to come in when my contractions are half an hour apart."

"Shit! You've been having contractions!" Caryn went pale.

Abbie smiled. "Yes, CW. That's how it happens. I had some pains in the night, but I was able to sleep again. And I'd been up for about ten minutes this morning, and I had a strong contraction. It nearly took my breath away. And then I had a second one, about an hour and a half later. And on the third one, my waters broke, and I phoned the hospital."

"How far apart are the contractions?"

"It was an hour and three minutes between the last two," Abbie said.

"And how long since your last one?"

Abbie looked at her watch. "Thirty one minutes. So any time in the next half hour. And I wanted to be with you," for the first time, her voice wobbled.

Caryn smiled. She stroked Abbie's cheek. "You're having a baby," she said, in wonder.

"It looks that way," Abbie smiled.

"I'll get my car," Caryn tried to stand again, but was stilled by Abbie's hand.

"Louanne has offered to drive us," she said. At that moment, there was a tap on the door.

Louanne entered, a tray of tea in her hands. She set it on the table near the couch. She touched Caryn's hand. "Billy's bringing my car to the front of the building, and he's going to make sure it's all warmed up for when you need it. I'll be just the other side of the door." She smiled kindly. "You'll both be fine."

Caryn looked at Abbie, who looked at her. Abbie giggled first, followed by Caryn. "We're having a baby," Abbie said.

Caryn nodded. "I won't leave your side."

"You'd fucking better not," Abbie said, causing them both to laugh again, a small amount of hysteria sneaking in.

"Damn, what about your bag? We need all the …," Caryn started.

"It's under Louanne's desk," Abbie smiled. "Everything's in there. Diapers. Clothes for me. For the baby. Even for you."

"For me?"

"I guessed you might not want to spend the next God-knows-how-long in high heels and a business suit? Though your legs do look fantastic in those heels," Abbie caressed her knee, pushing one hand further up her skirt. She stopped suddenly. She paled. "Oh God," she gasped. "Oh sweet Jesus. Fuck," she struggled to catch her breath as another contraction hit, much harder than the previous ones.

Caryn realized what was happening, and put a supportive hand on Abbie's back. Abbie reached desperately for her other hand, squeezing it painfully as pain ripped through her.

Caryn stayed with her, her hand rubbing up and down her back soothingly. After a couple of minutes, Abbie's expression relaxed.

"How long?" Caryn asked when Abbie was able to talk. "Since the last contraction?"

Abbie looked at her watch. "Forty-two minutes," she said, for the first time sounding worried. "Shit, that's fast."

"The hospital's fifteen minutes from here. I say we leave now," Caryn pretended a calm she didn't feel. She helped Abbie to her feet, grabbing her own overcoat and wrapping it around Abbie's shoulders.

"You need to change clothes," Abbie tried to make her voice strong.

"I'll change once we get there," Caryn took charge. "Louanne?" she called as they exited the office. "Things are going a little faster than we realized. Can we leave?"

Louanne beamed, and stood up immediately, grabbing her purse.

Twelve minutes later, they were about a mile from the hospital when Abbie grabbed Caryn's hand. "Fuck, that hurts," she leaned forward, her face a mask of agony. "Caryn, I … fuck, fuck, fuck," Abbie called out desperately.

"We're nearly there, Abigail. That's it, you're doing well. I'm here for you. Just remember to breathe," she soothed.

"Of course I'm fucking breathing," Abbie snapped, "I'm just … oh fuck," she squeezed Caryn's hand so hard that Caryn was later surprised not to find anything broken.

After a few minutes, Abbie collapsed back in Caryn's arms, her forehead bathed in sweat. Caryn smiled, as she wiped the sweat from her with her handkerchief. "Are you alright?" she asked.

Abbie nodded. "This giving birth is going to be a bitch," she said.

"About that, Abs... I think maybe we'll be more popular if we can hold back a bit on the language," Caryn smiled.

Abbie glared at her. "Remind me to tell you to mind your language, when you're squeezing a water melon out of _your_ noo-noo."

"Noo-noo?" Caryn was trying not to laugh.

"You want a more scientific description?"

"Oh God, please no," Caryn smiled. She kissed Abbie's hand. "I'm sorry. You say whatever you want."

"You fucking try and stop me," Abbie grimaced, as the car finally pulled up in front of the maternity wing.

"You stay here, I'll be right back with a wheelchair," Louanne instructed.

Caryn let herself out of the car, and opened Abbie's door. She helped her lover sit at the edge of the seat while they waited for the wheelchair, her feet on the tarmac.

Abbie looked so small and vulnerable. She looked up at Caryn. "I'm scared," she admitted, in a small voice.

Caryn smiled. "I know you are, Abs. They know what they are doing here. It'll all be okay. I'll be with you every step of the way."

Abbie paled as another pain ripped through her. "It's too quick," she panted, as Caryn awkwardly tried to hold her from the front. Abbie buried her face in Caryn's front, trying to muffle her cries.

As Caryn held a panting Abbie, two nurses arrived with a wheelchair, being chivvied along by the matronly Louanne. They all waited for Abbie's contraction to pass, and helped her into a wheelchair.

Before they knew what was happening, Abbie was in bed in a hospital gown, being assessed by the maternity doctor. The doctor smiled. "Well it's all looking real good," she said. "You are 9cm dilated. You made it just in time, Miss Carmichael. We're going to wheel you into the delivery suite. You're in luck, you have Maisie as your midwife. She's my favorite," she whispered, "but don't tell that to any of the others. Maisie will be with you the whole time, and I'll be in and out to see you." She saw Abbie's panicked expression. "I know the first one is scary, but you're doing wonderfully."

"It seems very quick," Caryn said, trying to mask her own worry.

"It's all fine," the doctor promised. "It looks like your little one is in more of a hurry than some, but that's all good. Here's Maisie," she smiled as the smiling African-American midwife came into the room. "You're in expert hands with her."

Caryn smiled, and put out her hand. "I'm Caryn. I'm … I'm ..."

"She's this baby's other mother," Abbie gritted out, as she felt another contraction approaching. "Though she hasn't offered to give birth to it," she reached out, her hand flapping as she searched for Caryn.

"I would if I could, Abs," Caryn tried to keep her calm.

"Oh f … f … for goodness sake," Abbie tried to keep it clean as she panted in agony.

"How do you feel about bad language?" Caryn smiled at Maisie, who was releasing the brakes on the bed.

"I doubt Miss Carmichael will be saying anything I haven't heard before," Maisie smiled.

"Abbie," Abbie said. "Miss Carmichael is my great aunt, and she is one royal bitch."

"Abbie," Maisie smiled as she rolled the bed along the corridor, pushing it through double doors at the end. "Well, here we are. You'll be fine, darling," she touched her face affectionately. "It'll all be over soon."

An hour later, Caryn – changed into her running pants and a loose t-shirt – was sitting on the bed behind Abbie, holding her panting lover between her legs, supporting her against her chest. She whispered soothingly to her, one hand placed lovingly over her belly, the other being crushed by Abbie's death grip. Sweat poured down Abbie's face, which Caryn periodically wiped.

The calm, kind Maisie looked up from her station at the bottom of the bed. "You're doing well, Abbie. So well. Now, when the next contraction hits, I want you to push with all that you can. Can you do that?"

Abbie nodded. "I'll try," she whispered, exhaustedly. Two minutes later, the contraction seared through her. She had never felt pain like it.

Caryn held her lovingly. "You can do it, Abbie," she could feel her lover shaking. "C'mon my darling."

"Make it stop. Caryn, make it stop," Abbie was in agony. "I can't. I can't do this."

"You can. You will. Just a few more minutes. That's it," Caryn wondered if she would ever regain the feeling in her hand. "Good girl. As hard as you can, Abs. You're so close."

"Great work," Maisie smiled. "We have the head. Once more will do it. There, keep pushing."

Abbie was puce, her face streaming with sweat. She screamed in agony as she pushed, relying on Caryn to keep her together; without her, she knew she would fall to pieces.

"That's it, my darling. I'm so proud of you." Caryn saw the look on Maisie's face as she pulled out the baby.

Maisie looked up, and gave a big, beaming smile. "Congratulations, mommies. You have a son."

"Is he okay?" Abbie sounded fearful. She heard a thin cry. Maisie reached and took her hand. "He's perfect," she said. "Your perfect little man."

Abbie collapsed in Caryn's arms, all strength gone. She could feel Caryn shaking. "CW?" she said weakly.

"I love you," Caryn gulped, the emotion of the moment overwhelming her. "You did it," she said, through her tears.

"You want to cut the cord?" Maisie smiled at Caryn.

"Go on," Abbie urged. "I want you to do it."

Carefully, Caryn slid out from behind her lover. She kissed her deeply, wiping away her tears. Her hands were shaking as she took the scissors and cut the cord. She stared at the tiny child, who seemed to be looking directly at her. Maisie held him out to her. Caryn just looked over at Abbie. "What are you scared of CW? He's not going to bite. At least, I fucking hope not," Abbie was beaming.

Very carefully, Caryn took him from Maisie. She carried him over to Abbie, and lowered him gently into her arms. "That's the first time you've sworn since we got in here," she teased. "And it's the last time you swear in front of our son, got that Carmichael?"

Abbie tried to blink away her tears as she stared at her son. "Loud and clear," she sniffed, through her tears. "Loud and clear. I'm sorry, baby," she touched his little face in wonder. "I'll try and behave from now on. Hey, baby boy. My little man. _Our_ little man," she reached out for Caryn's hand. She looked up at Caryn. "We have a family," she whispered. "We _are_ a family."

Caryn nodded.

"I want you to do something for me," Abbie said. "Pass me that bag, will you. I need to get at the side pocket."

Caryn balanced the bag on the edge of the bed, so that Abbie could still hold onto their baby while she delved in the side pocket. She withdrew something and held it in her hand.

"What do you need me to do?" Caryn asked. She couldn't interpret the look on Abbie's face.

Abbie stared at her. She opened her hand to reveal a small, velvet box. "I need you to become my wife. Will you do that?" she held the box out to her.

Caryn opened the box, to see a beautiful, antique diamond ring. She felt like her heart would burst. She nodded, unable to speak as the tears streamed down her face. Her gaze went from the ring to the baby. She reached out and touched his face.

"He's _your_ son too, Caryn," Abbie said.

"You gotta name?"

"I have one I'd like to use, but only if you like it."

Caryn nodded.

"Caryn, I want you to meet your son. Daniel John Wright. Daniel, I want you to meet your ma," Abbie reached out for Caryn's left hand. "Can I?" she asked, quietly.

Caryn nodded, staring in wonder as Abbie slid the ring on her finger. It fitted perfectly. She leaned down and kissed Abbie deeply.


	28. Chapter 28

"Are you okay with this?" Abbie asked Caryn.

"Of course I am. He's the father of your child."

"_Our_ child," Abbie corrected.

Caryn's features relaxed. "_Our_ child," she smiled, as she touched the baby's soft cheek. "Our baby boy."

"He's bringing the paperwork with him. He promised," Abbie said.

Caryn stiffened. "He'll change his mind when he meets him," her voice cracked, as she walked to the window, trying to hide her tears.

"CW, get your ass over here," Abbie commanded, patting the seat next to her on the couch.

Reluctantly, Caryn sat next to Abbie.

"Hold him," Abbie passed over the baby.

Caryn tried to demur.

"Hold your son," Abbie commanded. "_Your_ son. Daniel. Daniel John Wright."

"You named him after his father," Caryn reluctantly took the baby.

"I named him after my father too. And, most importantly, he has your surname. I'm only going to say this once. Jeff and I had a talk. A long talk. He's agreed to give up his parental rights, so that you can adopt him. He knows we're going to be Daniel's primary parents, and it's important that you can make all the decisions you need to about him. But Jeff's still going to be his dad. I've promised him that. He'll visit often, and when he's older, Daniel can go stay with him too. I've promised we won't cut him out, and that we'll consult him as much as is reasonable. But we have to be able to bring up our son the way we want to, and this will make it all legal. Jeff thinks it's a good idea. He can't move here, and he knows I'm staying in New York, so it's the only thing that makes sense. So cut the crap, and stop all this ridiculous worrying. By this time next month, you'll be Daniel's mom, in the eyes of the law."

Caryn looked down at the precious bundle in her arms. She smiled, and kissed him very softly on the tip of his nose. "So what do you think, baby boy?" she whispered gently to him. "Does that all sound okay to you?" She ran a hand down Abbie's cheek, and leant in to kiss her deeply. "Thank you," she said softly.

"Diaper," Abbie's eyes twinkled.

"What?"

"There's a reason I passed him to you. I warned you you'd have to do all the diapers."

Caryn laughed, the full, throaty laugh that Abbie found so sexy. "You're incorrigible, Carmichael."

"That's why you love me."

"Yeah," Caryn agreed happily.

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"Are you ready, Lily?" Alex asked.

Lily nodded firmly.

"And you remember what we talked about?"

"Yes Mommy. Auntie Abbie and Vilanti are real tired, so I gotta be quiet."

"And?" Alex prompted.

"We can't wake baby Daniel if he's sleeping."

"Good girl," Alex smiled.

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Alex laughed openly at the sight of Caryn at the door; she was dressed in sweats, wore no make-up, her hair was loose and unkempt, and there was a stain on her t-shirt that looked like baby milk.

Caryn grinned back as she ushered Alex and Lily into the apartment. She accepted a warm hug from Alex, who set several shopping bags by the door.

"You look great," Alex smiled.

Caryn laughed. "I look like shit," she said, succinctly. "As well I should; I've had a total of eleven minutes of sleep since the arrival of our lord and master. At least that's what it feels like."

"Eleven minutes, huh?" Alex laughed. "I remember those days. Seriously, though, Caryn, you look great. You look ..."

"Happy?" Caryn said. Her face split into a wide grin. "I've never been happier. And I'm real pleased to see you, Lily," she knelt down at Lily's level and put out her arms. "Can I have a hug from my favorite girl?"

Lily happily obliged, without releasing the parcel in her hand. "Hi Vilanti," she whispered.

"Have you got a sore throat?" Caryn asked, concerned.

"No, Mommy told me to be quiet," Lily whispered again. "We mustn't wake baby Daniel."

Caryn laughed. "You're in luck, Lily. Daniel is awake and looking forward to his visitors. He's just had his dinner and, if I timed this right, his mommy has just changed his diaper. Come and meet him."

The living room was empty when they went in, but just a moment later, Abbie emerged from the bedroom, the baby in her arms. She looked exhausted, but exhilarated, and smiled enthusiastically at the visitors. "Cabot!" she cried.

"Benson," Alex reminded her with a laugh.

"Benson, of course," Abbie chuckled. "I've gotta get used to that.

"Me too," Alex said, approaching her friend and kissing her on the cheek. "I keep forgetting. So," she looked at the tiny bundle in Abbie's arms. "This is your son and heir," she smiled at the baby, her finger gently touching his soft face. She looked into Abbie's eyes. "He's beautiful," she spoke softly.

Abbie nodded. "We did okay, huh? I was afraid he'd be one of those ugly babies."

Alex laughed. "No babies are ugly!" she protested.

"Who are you kidding?" Caryn butted in. "I've seen some real monsters in the past."

Alex laughed. "Me too," she admitted quietly. "Hey, Lily," she saw that her daughter was half-hiding behind her leg, overcome with sudden shyness. "You remember Auntie Abbie."

Lily nodded, and gave a shy smile.

Abbie crouched at her level, so that she could see the baby. "Hi Lily," she said gently. "I want you to meet Daniel. He's real excited to meet you."

Lily smiled. "Hi Daniel," she said.

Abbie stood again. She looked carefully at Alex. "You want to hold him?" she suggested.

"May I?" Alex looked surprised.

"Of course! You've got more experience than either of us," Abbie passed her son over carefully.

Alex looked down at the small bundle she was holding. Daniel noticed the change but, apparently satisfied, snuggled into her and let out a huge yawn. "I'd forgotten how tiny they are at this age," Alex was profoundly moved by the new life in her arms. "Your son," she looked over at Abbie and Caryn. "How wonderful."

Caryn nodded. "Come, sit," she pointed to a chair.

Alex laughed. "That's Abbie's chair, I wouldn't dare!"

Abbie mock-scowled. "Actually," she admitted. "I'm trying not to sit too much right now. That's one thing nobody warns you about. How long does it go on for?"

"What?" Alex asked.

"Her sore noo-noo," Caryn laughed openly.

Alex laughed. "Long enough, so Olivia told me," she said. "We got you some stuff, I left it by the door. You will not believe how many onesies and diapers you get through in the first few weeks. And there are a few other things as well. And Lily," she smiled at her daughter, who was unusually quiet, "has got something for Daniel, haven't you peanut?"

Lily nodded, solemnly. She held out the small gift-wrapped package. "Can you give it to him Vilanti?" she sounded a little nervous.

Caryn smiled at her. "I'll tell you what. I'll unwrap it, 'cos Daniel's hands are still a bit too small. And when it's unwrapped, you can give it to him."

"Okay," Lily agreed.

Caryn unwrapped the package, to reveal a new toy hedgehog, just like the one that Lily had at home. "This is lovely; just like your Harry Hedgehog," Caryn remembered.

Lily grinned with pleasure. "I hug Harry if I get scared, so if Daniel gets scared he has someone to hug too."

"That's so great," Abbie told Lily, crouching at her level. "He's going to love it. Have you thought of a name for him?"

Lily shook her head.

"What about Larry?" Caryn suggested. "Then when we get together, Harry and Larry can play together!"

Lily nodded.

"Go on then, Lily," Caryn pressed the hedgehog into her hands. "Give Larry to Daniel," she smiled as the toddler very gently placed the hedgehog next to the baby in her mother's arms.

Alex had to blink away tears. It had been Lily's idea to get the hedgehog for the baby.

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"You won't believe how cute she was with baby Daniel, Liv," Alex spoke quietly into her phone that afternoon.

"Did she stay quiet like we told her to?"

"So quiet," Alex chuckled. "She's never been that quiet. They're so happy honey. You've gotta meet him soon."

"I know, I can't wait. Once this bastard's in custody."

"How is it there?"

"We have a lead. We think we know where he'll be this evening. Wish us luck, huh?"

"You don't need luck. He doesn't have a chance against the finest of New York's Finest," Alex teased gently. "Be careful out there, you swear?"

"Always. Give Lily a hug from me, I don't think I'll see her this evening."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too, Alex Benson," Olivia loved the way the name sounded in her mouth. "My soon-to-be wife."

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Alex felt the bed dipping just before 3am, and smiled as Olivia tried to slide in beside her without waking her. Alex rolled over to snuggle into her front. "Missed you," she said, sleepily.

"Sleep," Olivia placed a kiss on her head.

"Bad day?" Alex ignored her instruction.

"Yeah," Olivia admitted. "Some days, it's just …," she tailed off.

"I know, baby," Alex looked into her troubled face. She kissed her very softly. "Wanna talk?"

Olivia shook her head. She gathered Alex in her arms as she settled down for the night. "How was your day?" she asked. "You met Daniel, huh?"

Alex nodded. "He's beautiful. And Lily was so funny."

"Did you hold him?" Olivia didn't want to probe. She felt Alex nodding again. "Was it okay?" she asked softly. Alex had not held a newborn since her traumatic miscarriage.

"It was nice," Alex said quietly.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine," Alex nuzzled into her front.

"You feel okay?"

"I swear to you Liv, everything's good. Even better now I have you back safe."

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"I wish you'd tell me what's bugging you," Robyn said sadly to Amy, watching as she picked listlessly at her dinner.

Amy's head went up sharply. She looked into Robyn's eyes. She opened her mouth, and then closed it again, as it she were deciding against something. "I'm okay," she said, eventually.

"I think that's the first time you've ever lied to me," Robyn said.

Amy looked up, and saw the pure emotion in Robyn's eyes. She loved her girlfriend so much. When she had first seen Robyn, canoeing on the lake, she had fallen for her, hard. But, as they started to explore their relationship, she had come to realize that Robyn was so much more than the muscular, sexy, powerful woman she appeared. Amy had been enchanted to find that she was shy and unbelievably gentle. Her athletic frame belied her soft and loving nature. Robyn had admitted to her early on that she deliberately tried to give the impression of a confidence she didn't truly feel, hoping that the short hair and practiced swagger would fool those around her. Amy reached out and put her hand on hers. "I'm sorry," she said.

"I want to help," Robyn relished the feel of her fingers.

"I know. I have to do this myself," Amy finally admitted.

"Do _what_?" Robyn felt frantic.

"Just some stuff at work. I'll fix it. I swear. Soon."

Robyn turned over her hand, capturing Amy's. She squeezed her fingers. "I'm here. Anything you need, anything I can do, I'm here."

Amy nodded, swallowing hard.

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"Don't wanna wear a dress," Lily said firmly.

"You don't have to, munchkin," Alex said mildly. "You can wear whatever you want."

Olivia looked up, surprised.

Alex smiled at her. "I don't want a formal wedding. I want everyone to be comfortable. What do you think, Liv?"

"I want you to have whatever you want. All I care about is that you'll be my wife. I'll do and wear whatever you want."

"I want you to wear whatever you're most comfortable in. I want you to be happy. You can wear your jeans if you want, I really don't mind," Alex smiled.

"I won't be in jeans," Olivia promised. "I want to look beautiful for you," she said, quietly.

"You always look beautiful. Liv," Alex spoke tentatively. "I don't think I want to wear a wedding gown. Not a traditional wedding gown."

"I always thought you'd want to," Olivia was surprised.

Alex shook her head. "I've never really seen one I like. And I can't get the image of Miss Havisham out of my mind."

Olivia barked with laughter.

"What's funny, Mama?" Lily asked.

"It's a joke. From a book," Olivia explained. "There was a very sad old lady who never took off her wedding gown. Your Mommy doesn't want to think about her on our wedding day."

"That's silly Mommy," Lily said earnestly. "You're not _that_ old."

Olivia snorted again.

Alex gave her a murderous look. "You're older than I am, detective," she reminded her.

"So," Olivia hauled Lily onto her lap. "What do you want to wear at the wedding peanut? Your mommy says you can choose."

"This!" Lily smiled, pulling at her jeans and t-shirt. The t-shirt had a small hole under the armpit, and was stained with God only knew what.

"I'll do you a deal," Olivia smiled. "You can wear jeans, but how about you come with me and we'll go shopping for a new shirt, maybe a cardigan too, in case you get cold? You can help me choose it. And," she grabbed her foot playfully, "we need to get you some new shoes. These ones are real grubby. Can we do that?"

"Okay, Mama," Lily said happily.

"We still want you to be our ring bearer," Alex reminded her. "That's a very important job. As long as the rings are ready in time," she looked anxious.

"We'll check with the jeweler when we go shopping, won't we Lily? I'm sure it'll all be fine."

"I can't really believe it's going to happen," Alex suddenly sounded overawed.

"Six weeks from now," Olivia said softly. "Six weeks from now, you, Alex Benson, will be my wife."

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"Amy, I need you to stay late tonight," Amy's boss Duncan Reed barked at her. "I want you to run the proofs with me."

"It's Alan's turn for proofing," Amy said, confused.

"I need _you_. Is this going to be a problem?" Reed's tone was dangerous.

Amy went pale. "It's fine," she said. She turned away and focused on her computer screen, trying to keep her emotions in check. Once he had walked away, she ignored the sympathetic look from her colleague Brianna as she pulled out her phone to text Robyn.

_I have to work late. I should be home by 9pm. Love you._

**Can I do anything for you?** Robyn replied.

_It's fine. I'll see you later._

**Love you babe.**

Robyn sat back on her heels. She knew what days Amy had to work late on the newspaper's proofs, and Tuesday wasn't one of those days. She feared that Amy was covering up for something bad that was happening at work. She knew she needed to wait for Amy to come to her; she just hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

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"I really appreciate this Carolyn," Clarence, Carolyn's boss at the art gallery gave her a warm smile. "I know you only work a half day most Tuesdays."

"I'm happy to do it," Carolyn smiled. "My plans for this afternoon were to do the laundry and clean out the fridge. Quite honestly, I'm having much more fun here. Hi Richard," she smiled, as Clarence's son came into the gallery. "How are you?"

"I'm great," Richard smiled. "Dad's got you working hard as usual, I see. Dad, you should give this poor woman a break!"

Carolyn grinned. "I'm loving it," she said. "This is the most fun I've had in years. And we have a new exhibition next week, that new artist Ann Hunt. We have to be ready for that."

"Does that mean you're busy Saturday afternoon?" Richard looked anxious.

"I should be free. Why do you ask?"

"Josh has his first game at Little League. He asked me to ask you to come. I know, I'm sorry, it's an imposition. He just really likes you. It's a long time since he's liked anyone the way he likes you."

"I'd love to come," Carolyn smiled at the thought of Richard's nine-year-old son Josh. The boy had always seemed shy around her, so she was very touched that, after just a few meetings, he wanted to see her again. "Josh is a great kid."

Richard couldn't hide his proud smile.

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Robyn looked at her watch; 9.12pm. By now, she would have expected Amy to have texted to tell her she was on her way home. She made a decision, and grabbed her coat. She sent Amy a quick text before she left.

**I'm coming to meet you at the office, we'll get the subway back together. Love you.**

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"We need three more copies," Reed snapped at Amy.

Amy sneaked a look at her watch. 9.32pm. She knew that Duncan Reed didn't really need copies, and that he was playing some sort of game with her. But she didn't dare to argue. She felt a headache starting.

"What are you waiting for?" Reed sounded angry.

"I'm sorry," Amy muttered quietly, gathering up an armful of proofs. "I'll do it right away."

Robyn reached the office building, smiling as she saw Alan leaving as she got to the door. Alan held the door open for her. "You've come to get her?" he smiled.

"Yeah," Robyn smiled back. "Thanks."

Amy sighed as the door to the copy room shut behind her. She took a deep breath. She just had to keep her head and stay calm. She had told Reed that she was in a relationship, and he had seemed to accept that initially. But then he had found out that the relationship was with a woman, and it seemed he was taking every opportunity to put her down, make her work overtime. She tried to tell herself that his too-regular touches were accidental. He hadn't meant to touch her breast when he reached for the stapler. He wasn't really looking down her shirt. He wasn't really standing that close to her in the elevator.

Her head pounded, as she shuffled the papers in preparation to copy them. She didn't hear the door opening, and by the time she looked up, he was standing right in front of her. She couldn't decipher the look on his face.

Calmly, he took the proofs from her and dropped them into the trash can. He pushed her firmly against the wall.

"No," Amy tried to push against him.

He took her hand and pulled it to him, thrusting it against his crotch. Through his pants, Amy could feel his erection.

"No," she struggled and tried to pull her hand away.

He laughed as he easily overcame her. With one hand, he grabbed both of hers, slamming them against the wall above her head. He pushed his body against hers, and with his other hand, he grabbed her breast roughly.

"No!" Amy's voice was louder. "Get off me. I don't want this," she heard him moan, and heard him reaching to undo his buckle. "Help!" she screamed. "Help me! He's gonna rape me," she was terrified as she struggled in his hold. "Help!" she felt his hand as he struck her roughly in the face twice, barely registering as her head cracked against the stone wall. She knew this was it. She had dreaded getting into a confrontation with him, but never in her worst nightmares had she imagined he would go this far. His head returned to his belt, and he pushed harder against her, ignoring her screams. Then, suddenly the pressure was gone.

Robyn sprinted into the copy room and dragged Reed off Amy. Taken by surprise, he reeled back in shock, and Robyn punched him straight in the jaw with all her might. He fell to the floor, and before he knew what had happened, he was face down on the carpet, with Robyn sitting atop him, twisting his arm agonizingly up his back.

"Call 911," Robyn commanded Amy. "And then lock yourself away, any office you can find. Don't come out until the cops get here."

"You?" Amy whispered.

"We'll be fine here," Robyn growled, grabbing a handful of Reed's hair and slamming his head hard against the floor to make her point. "He's not going anywhere."


	29. Chapter 29

**[I'm SO sorry for the delay, it's been crazy busy at work. This chapter's a little short, but I thought something was better than nothing!]**

"I swear that child gets cuter every time I see her," Carolyn said affectionately, as she raised her glass.

Alex smiled at her sister, reaching out for her own wine glass. She was pleased that Carolyn had unexpectedly dropped in for the evening. Olivia was having a rare evening out, with an old roommate from college, and Alex had realized that she hated being alone. Not alone; she didn't mind that really. What she hated was knowing that Olivia was not at work, but was not with her. She knew she was being selfish, and she was glad that Olivia was taking some time for herself. "I'm just hoping she stays down for the night," she said. "That's all I need!"

Carolyn smiled. "I know that feeling! Does she wake up much?"

Alex shook her head. "She's very good, really. And if she does wake, it's usually for a good reason. She's just started getting the occasional nightmare, but I'm told that's common at her age. We try to make sure she doesn't know too much about Liv's work, or mine. We don't want her to have any of that in her head. It's hard sometimes, especially when Liv's had a bad day at work. Olivia's amazing though. She can come in, shattered by something unbelievably awful that she's had to deal with. But as soon as she's in front of Lily, she's so … present. She puts it all aside."

"She's a good woman," Carolyn said quietly. "It's taken me a long time to realize it, but she's the best thing that ever happened to you."

"Getting to know my sister again ranks pretty high, too," Alex spoke gently, turning away as she pretended not to notice the tears in Carolyn's eyes.

The sound of Alex's telephone interrupted them. "Yeah?" Alex spoke.

"Alex?" Elliot's voice.

For a second, Alex's heart plummeted, and then she remembered that Olivia wasn't at work, and Elliot would not be making the call she dreaded above all.

"Alex, is Liv there? I can't get through to her cell," Elliot said.

"She said they'd be at the Cavern Bar," Alex said. "The cell reception there is awful. What is it Elliot? It's Liv's evening off."

"I know that. And I wouldn't call. But … God, Alex. I don't know how to say this. Fin and I were called to a scene. Attempted rape," he spoke quietly, clearly trying not to be overhead. "It's your friend Amy. I thought you'd want to know."

Alex felt a cold shiver down her spine. "Attempted?" she asked.

"He was stopped in time," Elliot reassured her. "Her girlfriend..."

"Robyn," Alex supplied.

"That's right. She got there just … just before. But Amy's real upset. They both are."

"Where are you? I'm coming over."

"We'll be at Mercy General."

"You said she was okay?"

"She is. Mostly. Some bruising on her face, from what I can see. But she's a little groggy. She hit her head."

"I'll meet you there," Alex was already looking around for her keys. She hung up the phone, and turned to speak to her sister, who was standing there, Alex's coat in her hand.

"Go," Carolyn had gathered what had happened. "I'll stay and babysit."

Alex looked at her, gratefully. "I'll call. Or text if it's late. You can find spare pajamas in our room, if you want to stay the night."

"I'll be fine here," Carolyn said. "Are you okay to drive?"

"I only had a third of a glass," Alex glanced at her wine glass.

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Robyn looked up, seeing a familiar figure striding purposefully down the corridor. Alex pulled her into a warm hug. She pulled back after a minute. "She's in there?" Alex asked, nodding at the closed door.

Robyn nodded. "They're just... actually I don't know what they're doing. They wanted to talk to her alone," she tried to sound strong.

Alex looked through the glass in the door, seeing Elliot sitting by Amy's bed, his notebook in hand. Fin stood, his back against the wall.

"He's getting the preliminary statement," Alex explained.

Robyn nodded. "'kay," she whispered.

"How is she?" Alex guided her to a chair by the wall, sitting down next to her.

Robyn blinked. She tried to focus. "She has a mild concussion. And some bruising. On her face. On her …," she gulped. "On her breast."

Alex touched her hand. "You saved her," she said.

"She's been unhappy for weeks. I should have realized. I should have done _something_," she spat.

"Did you ask her what was wrong?"

"All the time. _All_ the time," Robyn angrily brushed away a fat tear that had rolled down her cheek.

"You can't make someone talk. Not until they're ready. You got there in time tonight. In time to stop … to stop the really bad stuff," Alex felt inadequate. She hated this. Olivia was so good at this. Talking to victims. Their families. She was so soft, so reassuring. And yet so strong. She gave people the confidence that their situation would be handled, and that they would be taken care of during the process. She made them think, even when the investigations, or the prosecutions, went wrong, that at least they were being heard. And that they counted. And they did. Olivia took each and every case personally. She cared about every single one. She put herself on the line, every time. And it took a toll. A real toll. Sometimes it was too much, and Olivia would crumble in Alex's arms. But in front of the victims, and their families, she remained strong.

"I'm no good at this," Alex admitted, as she squeezed Robyn's fingers. "But one thing I can tell you. This is personal, now. For all of us. And we'll all make sure that that bastard pays for what he did. You have my word."

Robyn looked up and smiled, seeing the fire in Alex's eyes. "I think maybe you're better at this than you think," she said, softly. "Thank you."

"Here's my card," Alex fished in her wallet. She hastily scrawled another number on the back. "That's Olivia's cell. And this has got my cell, and our home number. Call. If we can help, call us. Any time. For any reason."

Robyn nodded.

"You have to promise me you'll call."

"I will. Thank you."

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Alex felt the bed dip just after 2am. She had tried to sleep, but sleep had evaded her. She turned and buried herself in Olivia's front, inhaling the scent of her, reveling in her soft, warm presence.

"You okay?" Olivia asked softly.

Alex nodded.

"You sure?"

Alex nodded again. "You smell of beer," she said.

Olivia gave a small laugh. "Yeah," she agreed.

"Are you hammered?"

Olivia shook her head. "I only had two. I wasn't in the mood, really."

Alex looked up, seeing Olivia's clear – and concerned – eyes. "Kiss me?"

Olivia kissed her tenderly, feeling her respond to the kiss. The kiss lasted long minutes. Eventually, Alex pulled away, and rested her head against Olivia's shoulder. "So, you gonna tell me what's wrong?" Olivia said gently.

"It's Amy. Her boss tried to rape her."

Olivia stiffened. "Is she okay?" she asked quietly.

"Mild concussion, some bruising."

"Is Robyn with her?"

"Robyn saved her. She interrupted him. Fractured a knuckle on his face."

"Who took the call?"

"Elliot went with Fin. He tried to call you, but your cell wasn't working, so he tried here. I went to the hospital. I felt so useless, Liv. I don't know how you do it."

"I'm sure you were a great comfort," Olivia said with conviction.

"We've got to nail him," Alex said, with feeling.

"We will. I'll talk to Elliot tomorrow."

"And I'll talk to Caryn," Alex promised. "Or who's that girl who's there? Caryn isn't back at work for another ten days."

"Casey Novak," Olivia reminded her.

"You've met her?"

"I like her. She reminds me of you. Passionate. Stubborn."

"Does she have nice tits?" Alex tried to lighten the mood.

"My guess is that she does. But she's not in your league, sweetheart," Olivia kissed her again.

"That's what all the cheating men say. Before they start screwing their hot secretaries."

"You think I'm gonna go off with the hot lawyer?" Olivia teased.

Alex looked at her. "Nah," she said, eventually. "You already did that. And look where _that_ got you," she laughed.

"Think you can sleep?"

"Now you're back," Alex snuggled into Olivia's arms. "We will get him, Liv," she said quietly.

"I know, baby. Sleep."

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"I don't know what to say," Robyn admitted as they sat together on the couch.

"They should write a manual. 'What to say to your girlfriend when she's nearly raped'," Amy tried to joke, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. She looked at Robyn. "I don't know what to say either," she said. "I should probably say something profound. But the only thing I can think to say is … thank you. If you hadn't … just thank you. You," she reached up and touched Robyn's face. "You saved me. You're my knight in shining armor."

"I knew something was bugging you. I just never imagined ..."

"I didn't think so either," Amy said. "I mean, he's always been a creep. And he liked to exert his power, made me do things that weren't my job. But I thought he was just … you know, the office perv."

"He made you so unhappy, these last weeks."

"Actually, that wasn't just him. It was the job. They sent me to interview the parents of that dead boy. You remember, the four-year-old that was hit by that truck? I couldn't do it. I tried to, but when I got there, I just turned around and came back. I got an official warning for that. But I couldn't intrude on their grief like that. It seemed … _indecent_. So he loved that, loved that I was in trouble."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Robyn was appalled.

"It seemed so stupid. I mean, how pathetic was I? I couldn't even do a simple job."

"You can do it. You just chose not to make the nightmare worse for those poor parents. I would have supported your decision, Amy."

Amy nodded. "It all seems so stupid now. I wish I had stood up to them more."

"You did. You didn't do the interview. And I'm so proud of you for that."

"I could have lost my job," Amy whispered.

"I don't care."

"But we have rent to pay. And it'll likely go up next month, he already warned us."

"We'd cope."

"How?"

"I don't know. But we would."

"Will you take me to bed? I want you to hold me."

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"He's been doing it for years," Olivia said over the phone to Alex the next morning.

"He's been raping women?"

"He's been harassing women at work. So far, six of the women I've spoken to have had bad experiences with him, to a greater or lesser extent."

"So you'll nail him?"

"Oh we'll nail him," Olivia said firmly.

"I spoke to Novak this morning," Alex told her. "I know it has nothing to do with me right now, but she was real nice about it. Says she knows it's personal, and she's said she'll do everything she can to help. I told her you'll fill her in properly as soon as you can."

"I'm just on my way over there now," Olivia said.

"Just keep your eyes off her rack," Alex teased gently.

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Robyn was standing in their small kitchen, stirring a pot of soup, when she heard footsteps behind her.

Amy was fully dressed in her work clothes. Her face was ashen, and she looked almost ready to pass out.

Robyn was at her side in a second. "Amy? What are you doing?"

"I need to get to the office," Amy's voice shook.

"What do you mean? You spent the morning at the police station. You're in no fit state to go to work today."

"I called them earlier. Told them I'd be in this afternoon."

"Amy, this is madness. Look at you! You look like death warmed over. You barely slept last night," Robyn tried to blank out the memories of her girlfriend waking screaming and incoherent with fear.

"I'm okay," Amy wavered on her feet.

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"Benson," Alex answered her phone without looking at the caller display.

"Alex?" Robyn's voice was panicked. Alex heard noises in the background.

"Robyn? Are you okay?"

"She won't stop throwing up," Robyn tried not to cry. "I don't know what to do. She won't let me call the doctor. I don't know how to help her."

"Is she sick? Does she have a fever?"

"No. She's upset. She tried to go to work, and I was just arguing with her, and she … she kinda collapsed on me. And now she's … shh, sweetheart," Robyn turned to Amy as she convulsed once more over the toilet bowl. "I'm just talking to Alex. No, it's not the doctor," she said, as Amy moaned again. "Alex, I don't know what to do."

"Run the tub," Alex said. "As deep as you can. Then get her into it, it'll help the shakes," Alex knew instinctively that Amy was shaking.

"But she's still throwing up," Robyn said, as she supported her lover with one hand.

"Give her a basin," Alex said calmly. "Then get in the tub behind her. Hold her. Let her feel you. Hold her in your arms, as close as you can. I'm coming right over, as soon as I can get Jay here to sit with Lily. Is the door locked?"

"I'll go unlock it," Robyn promised.

"It'll be okay," Alex tried to reassure her. "It will."

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Twenty-five minutes later, Alex let herself into the apartment. "It's only me," she called softly.

"We're in the bedroom," Robyn called back.

Alex tapped gently on the door, and let herself in.

Robyn was sitting in her robe, with a similarly clad Amy in her arms. Amy was wrapped in the warm quilt, her hair damp and her face blotchy. Her eyes were closed.

"How is she?" Alex whispered.

"She's sleeping. How did you know?" Robyn asked. "How did you know what to do?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Because Olivia did it for me," she admitted.


	30. Chapter 30

**[another short update – thanks so much for all the lovely reviews!]**

_Three days later_

Alex knocked quietly on the apartment door, and smiled as Robyn opened it a moment later. Alex held out a box of donuts. "Liv told me to bring these," she said. "I know, cop cliché."

"We get through a ton of them at the fire station too," Robyn smiled. "You can never have too many donuts. I was just making coffee, will you join me? We can make a start on these too."

"That sounds great. Just black, no sugar for me. Where's Amy?"

"Sleeping. At last," Robyn looked tired.

"How is she doing?" Alex sat at a chair in their small kitchen, gratefully accepting a steaming mug of coffee.

"We've been fighting. She wants to go back to work. I can't bear for her to go back there. She hated the job anyway, even before."

"So tell her to leave."

"I did. I _do_. All the time. But she says we need the money. Which is true. If we stay here. But that's not our only option. I've been looking for studio apartments," she gestured at the paper in front of her, open at the real estate page. Several options had been ringed. "Or we can go back to Canada, she can work at the hotel again, I can get something there."

"What about your career with the fire service?"

"Screw it. I need her to be happy. To be safe. All that matters is that we're together. We'll work something out," tears gathered in Robyn's blue eyes. "She's not going back there. I can't bear it. Alex," Robyn hesitated. "Can I ask you something?"

Alex nodded.

"When you said... that thing with the bathtub. You said Olivia had done it for you. Was that when you lost the baby?"

Alex swallowed. "Yeah," she said, eventually. "It was. Olivia had to put up with so much then. I was so screwed up."

"And now?"

"Now, I'm good. Thanks to Olivia. Time _does_ heal. You don't forget, but you learn to live with things. Amy will too. She has you."

"What can I do to help her?"

"Truly? There's no quick answer to any type of trauma. She may not want help right now. I didn't. I felt bad. I didn't want to be a burden on Olivia. So I pushed her away. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done. She told me afterward that was what had hurt the most. She didn't mind me leaning on her. But she _hated_ it when I wouldn't. She knew I needed her, but she couldn't get me to realize that she genuinely wanted to help. Olivia's a saint. She stuck with me. She loved me. She _loves_ me," she said, her face breaking into a smile at the thought of Olivia. She reached out and touched Robyn's hand. "Just keep listening. Keep talking. And don't let her push you away, if she tries to. You'll get over this. I just know you will."

"I want to get all of this fixed up," Robyn nodded toward the newspaper. "I want to be able to tell her she doesn't have to worry."

"I may have an idea," Alex said. "I just need to make a phone call."

A low moan came from the bedroom. Robyn turned her head sharply to listen.

"You go to her. I'll be a few minutes anyway," Alex withdrew her phone from her pocket.

Ten minutes later, Robyn returned from the bedroom. "She's asleep," she said, sinking gratefully into her chair, and running her hand tiredly through her hair.

Alex passed her a fresh coffee. She was smiling. "I want you to listen to my idea. Hear me out, and then you can talk. Okay?"

Robyn nodded, all energy suddenly spent.

"It's like this. I've been talking to Liv. She's told me a few things about the case that I think you might find interesting. From a legal perspective."

"I couldn't give a rat's ass about the legal perspective. I just want him jailed," Robyn sounded bitter.

"No talking, remember?" Alex smiled affectionately. "I know what you're saying. If anyone … to Liv … I'd just … I'd kill them. But this could work to your advantage. For both of you. Liv tells me she's found eight women who have been harassed by him at work. And here's what matters. Four of them reported it. And nothing was done. Nothing of any use, anyway. So here's the thing. The newspaper … the company. It failed in its duty of care to the employees. It knowingly employed a sex pest, and did nothing to protect its female employees from him. We can sue."

Robyn snorted. "Like _we_ can afford to sue!"

"But we won't need to," Alex sounded confident. "A good lawyer can scare the shit out of the paper, threaten them with a multi-million-dollar lawsuit, and they'll be begging to settle. I'm guessing we can get at least $250,000."

"Lawyers cost money," Robyn protested.

"Some do. Sure," Alex had mischief in her eyes. "Damn. If only you had a friend who was a lawyer. Someone who, say, is only working part-time volunteering for a charity. Someone who could invite you and Amy over to sit with her daughter while she does all the paperwork." Alex was grinning openly now. She grasped Robyn's hand. "Rob, I'm one of the best damned prosecutors this city's ever had. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back."

Robyn blinked. "Are you serious?"

"Let's do this. You have nothing to lose. I'm gonna have their lawyers crying into their soup. There's no way we'll lose this."

"How long will it take?"

"That's the drawback. This sort of thing, it can take months. And then longer before the money comes through. So I had another idea. I just called Olivia, and she thinks it's perfect. We loved it when Sarah lived with us – even more when Jay came on the scene. And the apartment's real quiet without them. We want you two to come live with us. Just until the money comes through. When is your lease up?"

"Three weeks from now," Robyn hesitated.

"Talk it over with Amy. Please. We'd love it if you came to stay. I know it's not perfect, and it's not the same as your own place. But it's gotta be better than this," Alex pointed to the one-room studio apartment that Robyn had ringed in the newspaper. "This neighborhood's not even safe."

"But you don't need us hanging around you all the time," Robyn protested, even as she saw the sense in the plan.

"You won't be there all the time. You'll be back at work in a couple of weeks, once your hand has recovered. And Amy will have stuff to do to. Or not. We'll be very happy to see you all the time. And so will our daughter. That's the drawback, of course," she smiled. "You'll get very little peace from little Miss Benson. She loves you and Amy."

"We love her. She's wonderful. Are you really sure about this?"

"Totally. I wouldn't offer otherwise. Look, you don't have to make a decision right now. Talk it over with Amy, in private. We won't be offended if you decide against. But I will be offended if you won't accept my help getting some money out of the newspaper. It's not just an idle threat to them. I mean it. If they had done their duty, and dealt with him properly, Amy would never have had to go through that. Nor would you. No amount of money can make up for that. But some money will give you and Amy time to recover, and time for Amy to work out what she really wants to do."

"I think in an ideal world, Amy would like to have a whole slew of babies, and write her novel in the evenings, with a dog by her feet and at least one baby on her knee," Robyn smiled.

"Well, that may be possible too," Alex stood up. She hugged Robyn warmly. "We'll wait to hear from you."

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Baby Daniel unlatched from Abbie's breast, already almost asleep. Caryn took him from her arms, and burped him over her shoulder. Once he was done, she lay him down in his crib, smiling as lay quietly. Caryn sat next to Abbie on the couch, a tube of ointment in her hand. "Shirt," she demanded.

Abbie rolled her eyes. "You don't have to do this every time," she said, overly-dramatically.

"I do. Since your son won't even take a bottle, not even from his ma at night, we've gotta keep these babies," she ghosted her fingers over a full breast, "in full working order." She eased Abbie's shirt to one side, and free her left breast from the maternity bra. Very tenderly, she applied the ointment, rubbing it in carefully, and then did the same on the other side.

Caryn grinned. "God you're beautiful," she said. "These are beautiful."

Abbie snorted. "Now I know you're kidding me CW. I look like a cow. And these," she gestured, "are like leaky udders."

"You really have no idea, do you?" Caryn asked. "How amazing it is. Watching you. Feeding your son. _Our_ son," she amended. "You," she said, in a low voice, "have never looked more sexy."

Abbie stared. "Bullshit."

Caryn laughed. "If you think that's bullshit, you should just see how wet I am right now. You," she said huskily, "and your _udders_, are turning me on like you wouldn't believe."

Abbie smiled. "Oh yeah?" her voice fell an octave.

"Don't worry, Carmichael. I know I'm not getting any. Maybe not for months. But I can look, can't I?" she teased.

"You can do more than look," Abbie sounded low and dangerous. "I want proof. I am a lawyer, after all. The burden of proof is on you, counselor," she pulled Caryn to her, and popped the button on her jeans, slowly lowering her zipper. "Your lies are about to take you down," she slid a hand down the front of her jeans. "If I find … wow!" she grinned at the slick folds that greeted her. "It looks like I was mistaken. You, Miss Wright," she pressed against her hot center, laughing at the anguished squeak that Caryn emitted, "are feeling mighty fine right now."

"No," Caryn's voice cracked. "No. We can't do this. Stop it Abbie," she tried to pull away. "You have no idea what you're doing to me."

"I know exactly what I'm doing to you," Abbie pushed her onto her back, her hand cupping her possessively. "And you're going to be begging for mercy."

"Stop it, Carmichael. You shouldn't start something you can't finish."

"Who says I can't finish it?"

"You've only just had a baby. There's no way … oh my God!"

"And I'm not going to. This one's just for you. Daniel's 27 days old. That means you haven't had sex for 28 days. And I don't think you're gonna make it to 29," she slid a finger toward her opening. "I'm gonna make you come so hard you'll remember it for years," she used her other hand to unbutton Caryn's shirt.

"Abs, you don't have to do this. I know that … oh sweet Jesus," Caryn gasped as Abbie's mouth closed over a rock-hard nipple.

Abbie shifted her angle, so that she was straddling her lover. "You don't need these," she said, tugging at her jeans and underwear. "I want to see you when I … oh Caryn," she kissed her way down her body. "My beautiful girl."

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Caryn finally regained the power of speech. "Any time you wanna do that... that's fine by me," she gasped, as Abbie sat smugly. "Nobody has ever..."

"I told you I was good," Abbie grinned.

"That was better than good."

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"Hey Lily, you wanna come here so's we can try your new shoes on?" Amy asked.

Lily shook her head. "I like my old shoes."

Olivia laughed. "It's true what they say about the 'Terrible Twos'. Someone has learned to say no. Lily, we talked about this, didn't we?" she gave her daughter a serious look.

Lily looked up. "Sorry Mama," she said. She trailed over to Amy, looking so miserable that Amy laughed out loud.

"I know, Lily, it's annoying. But you wanna look good in the wedding photos, don't you? And you're leaving tomorrow for Canada. In three days' time, your Mommy and your Mama are getting married," she leant down as she untied Lily's aging sneakers. "We should do all we can to make sure they have a great day. And you wearing this nice new sneakers, that's gonna help, isn't it? Look, they're fun. And have you seen this?" she pressed the bottom of the left shoe. "See?" she saw Lily break into a smile. "It lights up! So every time you take a step, your sneakers will light up! Neat, huh?"

"I wanna put them on!" Lily was delighted.

"You come here," Amy lifted her onto her lap. "And let's try them on. There," she slid on one shoe. "Perfect fit! And the other... there. You look real smart, Lily."

"Can I wear them to bed?" Lily enquired, knowing the answer but risking it anyway.

"Not tonight," Robyn laughed as she sat next to Amy on the couch, a bowl of cereal in her hand. "You need to keep them all clean for the wedding. After that, you can wear them all the time. Not to bed though," she laughed.

"You working tonight?" Lily asked.

"Yup," Robyn pulled a face. "Night shift. Ugh. You'll take care of Amy for me, while I'm at work, won't you Lily? I'm relying on you."

Lily nodded solemnly. "I pwomise," she said.

Olivia watched the scene from the doorway. She put a hand around Alex's waist, pulling her in for a soft kiss. "This was such a good idea of yours," she said quietly.

Alex nodded. "They're gonna be fine," she said, confidently.

"They will," Olivia agreed. "With a little bit of time, and a lot of love."

Alex smiled. "You're gonna be my wife," she sounded a little overawed. "Three days from now. You'll be Mrs Benson. So will I," she felt suffused with happiness. "And," she pulled Olivia's hand to her own flat stomach, "in eight months, Lily's gonna be a big sister. If everything goes well."

"It will," Olivia kissed her again. "We're gonna get you a scan every fortnight. Nothing will go wrong this time, my darling. I'm sure of it."

"So am I," Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "So am I."


	31. Chapter 31

**[Just a short update again, I'm afraid, still v busy. Thanks for all the lovely reviews.]**

Olivia approached Alex from behind, and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her to her. "Hey," she nuzzled into her neck.

Alex smiled, and leaned back into Olivia's embrace. "Hey, fiancée," she said.

"You won't be able to call me that for much longer," Olivia said, hugging her tighter. "Not after tomorrow afternoon. Unless you change your mind before then," she teased.

Alex turned in her embrace. She cupped Olivia's face, and kissed her with such tenderness and passion that Olivia's breath hitched. "Never," she whispered.

Olivia looked closely at her fiancée. She had always known that she was beautiful, but there was something magical about her at that moment, in the soft light of a late summer afternoon. "I'm sorry about your mom," she said quietly.

Alex nodded. "I knew she wouldn't come."

"But a small part of you hoped she would," Olivia said softly.

"Yeah. But," she looked over at their daughter, who was trying fruitlessly to play frisbee with Robyn, "I have all I need here." She kissed Olivia again. "I don't think I've ever been this happy. I can't believe that someone as amazing as you is going to be my wife."

"Right back at you, counselor," Olivia couldn't keep the grin off her face. "_And_ we're having a baby," she pressed one hand gently against Alex's stomach.

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"Are you sure we can't take Lily tonight as well as tomorrow night?" Sarah asked Alex, as they both watched Olivia gather the sleepy child in her arms. "Our room's only down the corridor from you."

Alex smiled. "Thanks, but we'll be fine. I want her with us. We both want her to be a part of the build-up to the wedding."

"But if she wakes in the night?" Sarah was concerned that Alex and Olivia wouldn't get enough sleep before the wedding.

"Then we _definitely_ want her with us," Alex said firmly. "Thank you, Sarah," she put her hand on her arm. "But the day is as much for Lily as it is for us. Though we have told her she can stay with you and Jay tomorrow night, and she's real excited about that, so that would be great."

"Of course," Sarah smiled.

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"We thought you'd be up on the lawn, checking the gazebo," Wheels came up to Alex, Olivia and Lily at breakfast the following morning.

"Wheels!" Lily beamed, holding out her arms for a hug.

Wheels lifted her up and gave her a huge kiss and a hug. "Hey, look who it is? It's my favorite girl. May," she called to her wife who was making her way across the room. "Guess who I found?"

May approached the group, giving and accepting warm hugs. "You're all set?"

Olivia nodded. "I didn't think you were going to make it," she said. "Wheels said you were ..."

"That's nothing," May dismissed her. "Doctors know nothing. I am feeling great, and even better for seeing you. We wouldn't miss this for the world."

Alex saw the expression on Wheels' face. She reached out and squeezed her hand, a look passing between the two of them.

"Have you met our new lodgers?" Alex tried to keep her voice bright and teasing. "You might be familiar with them, huh Amy?" she saw Amy approaching the table.

Amy exclaimed with delight at the sight of her old friends, and dragged them over to greet Robyn, taking Lily with them as she refused to budge from Wheels' arms.

Alex looked at Olivia, and saw that she was blinking back tears. She put her hand over Olivia's.

"Six months," Olivia said under her breath.

"I know, sweetheart," Alex's heart was breaking too. Wheels had phoned them the previous month and filled them in on May's diagnosis.

"I can't believe they came," Olivia's voice was shaky.

"I can," Alex said. "Wheels told me May said if she has to die of that horrible disease, she's damned well going to _live_ with it too. They've been all over. They want to make the most of … everything." Alex had wanted to say "the time she's got," but the phrase was overused, hackneyed. Something that their elderly friends definitely were not.

"We mustn't waste a moment of our lives together," Olivia said suddenly, looking Alex straight in the eye.

"We won't, baby," Alex said, leaning forward to press a loving kiss on her lips. "Even when we're fighting, we're gonna make the most of it," she teased. "Hey," she realized. "In six hours..."

"You're gonna be Mrs Benson," Olivia beat her to it. "_We're_ gonna be Mrs Benson."

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"You're coming with us," Jay stood in front of Olivia, a stubborn look on her face. "I don't care, I'm not interested in what you have to say. Your fiancée, soon to be _wife_, does not get to see you in your dress before you meet at the altar. It's tradition."

"Screw tradition," Olivia argued. "Nothing we have done so far has been traditional. We're not even wearing wedding gowns, and all the guests are going to be casually dressed."

"But you bought a dress, right?" Jay smiled.

"And you grew your hair a little," Sarah joined in, smiling at her. "It looks great that length, by the way."

Olivia blushed. "I wanted to look pretty for Alex," she said.

"You'll look amazing. You always do," Sarah's tone was soft. "But you're coming to our room to get ready. We've already told Alex, Mom's on her way to get her ready. And Lily's coming in a minute to give you a big hug, and then she's going to be with Amy and Robyn while you both get dressed."

"You have this all worked out, huh?" Olivia said, wryly.

"Yes," chorused Jay and Sarah, both giggling at the synchronicity.

"And here she is," Jay laughed as Lily approached, her hand in Robyn's.

"Mama!" Lily smiled, a little over-awed at all that was happening.

Olivia lifted her in her arms, and held her tight, her heart filling with joy as she felt the small, plump arms encircling her neck. "Hey, baby girl," she whispered. "You're going with Robyn, huh?"

Lily nodded.

"You know you're the most important person at this wedding?" Olivia asked her. "Your Mommy and I, we love you so very much."

"Love you too, Mama."

Olivia set her on the floor. She touched her soft cheek. "I think you are the best thing we ever did," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'll see you at the wedding baby. But we're here, if you need us before."

Lily nodded, wisely. "You'll be okay Mama," she said. "Sarah and Jay-Jay will take care of you."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "I know that, munchkin. I can't wait to marry your Mommy."

Lily smiled and reached for another hug.

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"You look beautiful, Olivia," Donald Cragen felt his voice crack as he stood beside Olivia at the altar that had been set up outside. The chairs on the lawn were packed with their friends.

Olivia nodded, suddenly overawed with nerves. She took a quick look behind her, and saw the happy, smiling faces of their friends as they waited for Alex's arrival. Everyone important to them was there, even Melinda and Rosie, despite Rosie's seven-month pregnancy bump. Abbie sat next to Caryn, breastfeeing baby Daniel.

Olivia turned back, swallowing, her mouth dry. Cragen reached into his jacket pocket and handed her a small flask. Olivia stared. "I thought you didn't drink?"

"I don't. That's from my drinking days. And it's got 18-year-old single malt in there. A little bird told me that was your preferred tipple."

Olivia grinned as she took a small sip; the liquor warmed her from the inside, and her nerves felt steadier. "I think she's leaving me at the altar," she said, jokingly.

"Then that must be her twin sister," Cragen said. "Don't turn around. It's not done. Wait until she gets here."

Those two minutes were probably the longest of Olivia's life. When Elliot handed Alex to Olivia, wearing the widest smile anyone had ever seen, Olivia thought her heart would explode with joy.

Alex was dressed in a simple, white, cotton summer dress. She had on a light make-up, delicate gold earrings hanging from her ears, and a simple gold chain around her neck. Her hair was softly curled. She looked like an angel.

Olivia just stared.

"Say something," Alex teased gently, her hand touching Olivia's face lightly.

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing's good enough. Not for you."

"You look beautiful, Liv," Alex said. She, too, was enchanted by her bride-to-be. Olivia was wearing a deep red dress that contrasted perfectly with her olive skin. Her hair, which had grown out by a few inches, was perfectly styled, and held a white daisy, one of Alex's favorite flowers.

"You're just … perfect," Olivia said at last. She smiled and they both turned at last to the minister.

"Ready?" the minister asked with a smile.

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Alex reached and took Olivia's hand, sliding the wedding band onto her finger. She looked at her. "Liv. Olivia. Meeting you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought I was happy, until I met you. I had _no_ idea," she smiled as the congregation gave a small laugh. "I'd like to tell everyone here all the wonderful things about you, but we're on a schedule here and if I did that, I could still be talking at midnight. And everyone knows you. So they know how very special you are. I am blessed, pure and simple. I love you, Olivia. Completely. I give myself to you, freely. _Eagerly_," she smiled as another small laugh rippled through the crowd.

"I swear that I am going to devote the rest of my life to you, and to our family. Our _wonderful_ family," she looked over and smiled at Lily, who was sitting on the front row in Jay's lap. "I will be there for you, always. When you are happy, I will laugh with you. When you're sad, I'll be there to hold you. Sometimes I'll cry with you. When you're sick, I'll take care of you. When you're angry, I'll listen. _Really_ listen. And sometimes I'll argue back. And I'm really going to try to tell you when I need help too; I know I haven't always been the greatest at that. But you have been so patient with me. I'll never stop loving you. And I'll never stop wanting to be with you. You are my world, Olivia Benson," Alex's voice cracked.

Olivia gazed at Alex. She had never looked more beautiful to her. Trying to stop her own hands shaking, Olivia took Alex and slid the gold band onto her finger. She looked up at Alex's beaming face and smiled. "Wow," she said. "I had it all prepared. I've been practicing my wedding vows for weeks. But now, with you in front of me, looking like that, I can't remember a damned word," their friends chuckled at this admission.

Olivia took both of Alex's hands and looked directly at her. "I can't remember what I wrote. But I do remember this. I am _so_ grateful to you for coming into my life. You make me happier than anyone has any right to be. I am going to take care of you, my darling, to the very best of my ability. I'll spend the rest of my life protecting you and loving you." She looked over to Lily. "Come here, baby," she said to their daughter, who Jay lowered to the floor. Olivia leant down and lifted Lily in one arm, so that the toddler was held between her and Alex. "Our family is the most precious thing to me. You two," she looked from Alex, to Lily, and back to Alex, "are my world. I'll do whatever I can to protect you, and any other children we have. All that I have, is yours. All that I _am_, is yours."

Alex felt tears of joy falling. She kissed Lily softly on the cheek. Eyes glistening, she cupped Olivia's face and kissed her tenderly and deeply. The congregation cheered.

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Olivia led Alex onto the dance floor. Neither woman could stop smiling. As Alex leant into Olivia's strong arms, she knew that this was safe. She felt like she had come home. "Hey, Mrs Benson," Alex whispered, relishing the feel of Olivia's arms guiding her around the floor.

"Hey to you, Mrs Benson," Olivia smiled. "And," she touched Alex's belly softly, "to Baby Benson. Our own little Legal Eagle."

Alex smiled and nuzzled into her neck. "So when are you going to tell me?" she asked teasingly. "When we get to the airport?"

"Who says it'll be the airport?" Olivia grinned.

"It had damned well better be," Alex growled. "You promised me an exotic honeymoon. Culture and romance, you said."

Olivia smiled, as she guided Alex around the room. "I'll tell you later," she promised. "I put together a package for you. You'll see when we go back to our room."

"I'll hold you to that," Alex smiled, as they completed their dance. The room erupted in cheers. "Let's sit down," Alex said.

"Are you feeling okay?" Olivia was immediately worried.

"I feel great," Alex reassured her. "I don't think I've ever felt better. But I want to visit with Lily a little. And I want to watch everybody else."

Olivia led her back to their table, smiling at the applause and laughter from all their friends. They sat and chatted with Abbie and Caryn, and Olivia smiled when she saw a tired Lily crawl into Alex's lap.

Alex had become so much more relaxed in the past few years. She always dressed beautifully, even after all their time together. She exuded class and sophistication. But now she seemed too to have gained in confidence, and to be happier when things weren't perfect. Right now, she was holding Lily, whose face was smeared in chocolate, and didn't seem to care one jot about protecting her white dress. She only cared about taking care of their tired daughter.

Olivia was still looking at Alex, when she saw her expression change. For a brief moment, she looked anguished, and Olivia could see her blinking back tears. Concerned, Olivia followed Alex's gaze, and was immediately similarly afflicted. They both watched as Wheels guided May to the dance floor. They saw Wheels supporting her wife, both physically and emotionally, as she held her close and slow-danced across the floor. The elderly couple had eyes only for each other. They smiled, and touched, and kissed softly.

Alex looked over and saw that Olivia was watching too. She took her hand, squeezing her fingers lovingly. Their gazes met. "I love you," Alex mouthed.


	32. Chapter 32

**[another short update... sorry, hope to increase chapter length soon!]**

Olivia looked over, and saw their daughter snuggled in Jay's arms, her eyelids drooping.

Jay saw her looking over and smiled. "I think maybe somebody's had enough," she said quietly. Jay looked down at Lily. "Okay, sweetheart, I think it's time for your bed."

Lily started to demur, and then she felt Olivia's hand on her back. "Jay's right, baby girl," she said softly. "And," she looked over at Alex, who suddenly looked exhausted, "you're not the only one. I think we should all hit the hay." She peered at her watch. "It's nearly 10pm, Lily, that's way past your bedtime. Let's all head off now, huh, then we'll have more energy for tomorrow?"

Lily nodded, tiredly. "'kay, Mama," she said. "Can I still stay with Jay-Jay and Sarah tonight?" she pleaded.

"If that's still okay with them," Olivia smiled.

"We've been looking forward to it," Jay said. "C'mon then Lily. You give your Mama and your Mommy a big hug, and we'll go get settled."

Alex put her arms out for her daughter, holding her tight. "You were so beautiful today," she whispered into her hair. "You be a good girl for Sarah and Jay, okay? And remember, we're just along the corridor if you need us, Sarah or Jay can come get us at any time."

"I 'member, Mommy," Lily wrapped her arms around her neck. "You and Mama are married now?"

"We are, baby," Alex smiled, trying to stifle a yawn. "We are," she took Olivia's hand, gazing adoringly at her.

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Olivia eyed Alex, remembering how punishingly tiring the first couple of months of pregnancy were. Alex was pale and clearly shattered, though her face still radiated happiness. Olivia took her hand. "Bed," she said, gently but firmly.

"It's still early," Alex protested, though she longed to lie down in the peace and quiet, preferably in Olivia's arms.

"I don't care. You're exhausted, honey. And we need to do something about that headache," Olivia guessed the reason for her wife's pallor.

"How did you know I have a headache?" Alex asked.

"You just told me," Olivia smiled, a hint of triumph in her tone. "Don't forget, I'm a detective," she teased.

Alex laughed. "Okay, Mrs Benson," she said. "You win."

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As soon as they got through the door of their hotel room, Alex turned to face Olivia. She cupped her face in both hands, her eyes taking in every inch. "You're my wife," she sounded awe-struck. "I can't believe how lucky I am."

"Right back at you," Olivia said, her voice soft and tender. She smiled and leant forward, kissing Alex deeply.

Alex moaned with pleasure at the feel of Olivia, responding enthusiastically to the kiss.

After a few minutes, Olivia pulled back and laughed. "I've never made out with a married woman before," she said.

"Haven't you?" Alex's eyes twinkled. "_I_ have," she grinned, wickedly.

"When?" Olivia demanded.

"In college. My ethics tutor," Alex laughed. "I think that's when I learned the true definition of irony!" She tried unsuccessfully to suppress another yawn. She felt like she was aching all over, exhaustion dragging at every inch of her. But this was their wedding night. She couldn't just go right to sleep. She cupped Olivia's breast softly through her dress. "You look so beautiful," she said.

"And you are exquisite," Olivia said sincerely. "You are also exhausted. There's no point in arguing with me," she put up a hand to forestall Alex's objections. "First," she reached up behind Alex to unhook her dress, and pulled the zipper down. "We are going to shower. The hot water will help your headache. I don't suppose I can persuade you to take some Tylenol?"

Alex shook her head, regretting it as the pain worsened. "It's not good for the baby."

"Well then, after our shower, I'm going to give you a massage. No," she smiled, "not that sort of massage. Not tonight, anyway. I'm going to try and loosen you up here," she felt the tendons at the back of Alex's neck. "Why so tense, baby?" Olivia asked, concerned.

"I'm not tense."

"My fingers tell me otherwise," Olivia kneaded gently.

"Maybe I am. I didn't think I was. It's been the most wonderful day. But it's been busy, I suppose, and I just wanted everything to go well."

"It was perfect," Olivia said softly.

Alex nodded. "It was. It really was."

Olivia lowered the dress down Alex's slim frame, smiling as her girlfriend … wife … stood their before her in just her bra and panties. "And so are you," Olivia kissed her tenderly. "C'mon," she guided her to the bathroom, where she shed her own dress and underwear as Alex also stripped naked.

Once the water had reached temperature, they stepped into the large shower. Olivia took Alex in her arms and held her close, seeing Alex's face relax as the hot water pounded over them both, soothing her back and neck. Olivia reached for the shampoo, and washed Alex's hair and then her own. After a few minutes, Alex became so relaxed she almost fell asleep in Olivia's arms.

Olivia guided her out of the shower, wrapping them both in the large, fluffy robes supplied by the hotel. She sat Alex on the seat of the toilet, as she rubbed the excess moisture from her hair. She reached for a brush, and smoothed out the tangles, knowing that Alex would otherwise wake with a head full of knots. Alex hummed with pleasure as Olivia worked. She reached up and opened Olivia's robe a little, her hand softly grasping a full breast.

Olivia smiled as she felt Alex's invading fingers. Even when almost comatose with fatigue, Alex still wanted her, and that made Olivia so happy.

Olivia led Alex to the bed, smiling at how obedient her wife was being. "On your front, baby," Olivia whispered.

Alex mumbled and turned over.

Olivia pulled Alex's robe down to her waist and, reaching for the lotion, straddled her from behind.

"Are you going to ravish me, detective?" Alex's sleepy voice was half-muffled by the pillow.

"Not tonight, honey," Olivia smiled. "I'm just going to see if I can help work this headache out. And then I'm going to hold you, while we both sleep."

"But s'our wedding night," Alex could barely stay awake. "We should be having hot, passionate sex."

"And we will. _Lots_ of it," Olivia smiled. "Just not right now. _Now_," she warmed the lotion between her hands, "you're going to stop talking and do as you're told," she started working her hands through the sore muscles of Alex's back and neck.

"Ooh, very assertive," Alex teased.

"Just you believe it," Olivia teased back.

"Hey," Alex's eyes opened as she remembered. "You were going to tell me all about our honeymoon."

"Tomorrow," Olivia promised, as she found a particularly large knot just below Alex's shoulder blade.

"Okay," Alex agreed sleepily. She let out a hiss of pain as Olivia's fingers dug deeply.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Olivia reduced the pressure. "You're all knots," she bent to kiss the sore flesh. "It won't take long," she could feel the knot starting to dissipate.

Olivia worked on Alex for forty minutes, reveling in the soft, beautiful skin, and loving the opportunity to make Alex feel just that bit better. The first few months of pregnancy could take a real toll, she remembered that only too well. And while their wedding day had been the best day she could remember, apart from the day Lily was born, she knew it had been especially tiring for Alex.

When all the knots were gone, and Alex was fully relaxed, Olivia persuaded her to turn over. "Drink this, baby," she said, holding a glass of water. "It'll help dissipate the toxins, and will be good for your headache too."

"Headache's all gone," Alex was almost slurring as she obeyed her.

"That's good, Alexandra," Olivia shed her own robe and reached for her nightshirt.

"No," Alex mumbled. "Like you are. No nightshirt. Pretty." She seemed to have lost the ability to formulate full sentences.

"Okay," Olivia slid under the quilt, her heart filling with joy as Alex immediately claimed her, snuggling in tight.

Alex reached out and clasped a breast, humming with pleasure as her thumb toyed with the nipple. Her breathing evened out, as she buried her face into Olivia's neck. Within minutes, she was asleep.

Olivia looked down at the naked woman in her arms, choking back a sob. She had genuinely never known that it was possible to be this happy, and the knowledge that their daughter was just down the corridor, and that there was a new baby on the way was almost too much happiness for her to comprehend. Yes, there were clouds on the horizon; Amy's attack, Wheels' and May's ordeal were foremost in her mind. But they would cope, and whatever they did, they would be together.

Alex shifted in her embrace. In her sleep, her mouth brushed over Olivia's nipple. Unwittingly, her lips opened and closed around the pert nub. She hummed softly as she suckled in her sleep. Olivia caressed her cheek softly. Life didn't get better than this.

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Olivia awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee, and an empty bed. She sat up. "Lex?" her voice was still groggy with sleep.

Alex was already approaching, a mug of coffee in each hand. She set both down on the nightstand, and sat on the side of the bed. She leant forward, her hand cupping the back of Olivia's head as she drew her into a mind-blowing kiss. "Good morning, wife," she said, when she eventually pulled back.

"Wow," Olivia was a little breathless. "You're good at that."

"I get a lot of practice," Alex laughed. "You see, I have this beautiful wife, and I just can't keep my hands off her."

"Is that right?" Olivia teased.

"It sure is, detective. And," she kissed her again, her hand straying south, "once my wife has had her coffee, I'm going to give her a morning she's going to remember for a long, long time. Last night was a washout..."

"Last night was wonderful," Olivia objected.

Alex smiled. "It was. That's true. And this morning," she pulled the quilt down, staring openly at Olivia's naked body, "is also going to be wonderful. I am going to take my wife, and I am going to make her come so hard, and so often, that she'll want to marry me every day," her voice was husky. "So, Detective Benson, get the coffee drunk. I need you to be awake. Awake, and alert."

Olivia's mouth went dry. She saw the naked lust in Alex's eyes, and even through the nightshirt she was wearing she could tell that her nipples were rock hard. She reached out for the coffee. Once she had drunk it, she headed to the bathroom where she peed and brushed her teeth. When she returned, Alex was standing by the bed naked, her nightshirt on the floor.

Olivia's eyes were on stalks. She took Alex in her arms, and could almost feel the excitement thrumming through her. Gently, she cupped a breast. "I swear these are bigger," Olivia breathed. "Are they sore, baby?"

"I'd say sensitive, rather than sore," Alex said.

Olivia grinned, and leant down to kiss a stiff peak, smiling at Alex's involuntary gasp.

"Oh yes," Alex murmured. "Definitely sensitive. Do that again. Use your tongue this time. That's it. Oh Olivia," she arched her back as Olivia's talented tongue set all her senses zinging. "Bed," Alex demanded, and laughed as Olivia picked her up bodily and carried her to the bed.

Olivia lay Alex down carefully, smiling at the sight in front of her.

Alex pulled her down onto the bed with her, laughing as she easily flipped her beautiful wife so that Olivia lay beneath her. "Hold on to your hat, detective," Alex growled. "I have plans for you."

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Nearly four hours later, Alex slid back up Olivia and claimed her mouth in a searing kiss. They were both breathless and smiling.

Olivia reached out a still-shaking hand, running it through Alex's soft hair. "Where did you get that energy?" she asked, as she tried to catch her breath.

"My beautiful wife took such good care of me last night, I slept like a baby," Alex said, as she snuggled into her side.

"Wife. I like the sound of that," Olivia couldn't keep the smug tone out of her voice. "And that reminds me. I promised _my_ beautiful wife that I'd book a honeymoon. So," she reached into the nightstand and withdrew a small, gift-wrapped box, "you kept your promise to me this morning. So I'm making good on mine. Here," she passed the box to Alex.

Alex sat up, pulling sheet around her. She took the box with a childlike glee. "The honeymoon is in here?" she teased.

"In a way," Olivia smiled. "Open it," suddenly, she felt nervous.

Alex saw the sudden change in her demeanor. She smiled at Olivia. "Whatever you've chosen for us, it'll be perfect. I just need you and Lily to be there."

Olivia nodded.

Alex tore off the gift wrapping, and drew out what looked like small, antique binoculars. "Opera glasses!" she laughed. "Where did you get these?"

"That antique place, near the coffee shop. I couldn't resist."

"They're beautiful, Liv," Alex kissed her softly. "But what do they have to do with a honeymoon?"

"Look in the envelope," Olivia prompted.

Alex spotted the envelope at the bottom of the box. She withdrew a fistful of aeroplane tickets and some other papers. Her eyes bugged. "Tell me!" she demanded.

Olivia laughed at the genuine excitement in her voice. "We have one more night here. Then tomorrow morning, we fly to London for three nights. Sarah and Jay are coming to London too, so that on our third night, they can babysit for us."

"Babysit?"

"We have tickets for Traviata. At the Royal Opera House in London," Olivia was thrilled to see the look of delight on Alex's face. "Norah Amsellem and Joseph Calleja are singing. I thought, since our first date was to Traviata, that it might be nice to..." her words were interrupted as Alex gave her a mind-blowing kiss.

"Olivia, that's … that's … it's … perfect. A perfect honeymoon. I'll bring these with me," Alex laughed, as she lifted the opera glasses.

"You won't need them. We're in the stalls, in the fifth row."

Alex flung her arms around Olivia's neck. "I love you,"' she whispered. "So much."

"Look at the rest," Olivia urged.

"What rest?"

"We're not just doing London. Three days in London, and then a week in Venice. The hotel room overlooks the Grand Canal. The most romantic city in Europe."

Alex's face was a picture. "And we can take Lily?"

"Of course we're taking Lily, Alexandra. It wouldn't be the same without our baby. Our _babies_," Olivia laid a protective hand over Alex's still-flat stomach.

"Marrying you has to be the smartest thing I ever did," Alex whispered.

"I'm the smart one this time," Olivia smiled. "I hit the jackpot when I met you."


	33. Chapter 33

**[SO sorry for the delay!]**

"So Jay doesn't know they're coming to England?" Alex's eyes twinkled with humor.

"That's right," Olivia smiled. "Sarah wanted to surprise her. She's been working so hard recently, and they had that awful fire last month. You remember..."

"When that kid died," Alex's voice was somber. "Yeah. Poor Jay."

"So this should be a nice surprise for her," Olivia explained. "Sarah talked to the fire station, made sure it was okay to take the time off. She wouldn't let me pay for the airline tickets though. But she did let me pay for the hotel room, eventually. I told her it was for our sake, we really needed a babysitter we could trust. And I wouldn't tell her which hotel, so she had to let me pay," Olivia grinned triumphantly.

"You did all this behind my back," Alex rolled over in bed so that she was snuggled tight to Olivia. She lay a soft hand on Olivia's belly.

"I wanted to do something special for my lady," Olivia said softly. "Is it okay, Alexandra?" she sounded anxious. "I couldn't decide for the longest time where to take you."

Alex looked up at her face, and touched her cheek lightly. "It's better than I could have imagined. It's perfect, Liv. It's unbelievably romantic, but we still get to take our baby girl with us. I couldn't think of anything better. Truly. I've always wanted to go to Venice, but I never made it there."

"You haven't been?" Olivia smiled. "I thought you'd been everywhere. You spend three months in Europe, didn't you?"

"I did. But never Venice. I had nearly a month in London, which you're gonna _love_ by the way, and I did go to Italy, but only managed Florence, Rome and Milan. I can't wait, baby."

"You don't have to, we're leaving tomorrow," Olivia smiled, her hand tangling in Alex's hair.

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"Are you sure you got a big enough cab?" Jay laughed, as the seven-seater cab drew up in front of the hotel to take them to the airport.

Sarah smiled at Jay. Her girlfriend still had no idea. She kissed her softly. "Go hug your Dad, and Vanessa," she instructed cryptically.

Jay looked confused. "And why do you want me to do that right now?" she demanded, looking round to see a sea of expectant faces.

Olivia burst out laughing. "You've gotta tell her _now_ Sarah," she said.

Joe Kazinsky was watching his daughter from his wheelchair, trying not to laugh at her bemused expression. "Oh for crying out loud," he called. "Jake. Get your bony ass over here. Your girlfriend is taking you on vacation. So if you're spending the next six nights in London, the very least you can do is say goodbye to your old dad."

Jay's head whipped round, and she saw laughter on Sarah's face. "Spill," she demanded, drily.

"I believe Joe just told you," Sarah smiled. "We," she pulled Jay into her arms, "are going to London. We're spending six nights there. On the third night, we get to babysit our favorite girl," she smiled at Lily who was watching this from Alex's warm arms. "Then on the fourth day, we wave her and Alex and Olivia off at the airport as they leave for Venice."

Jay's mouth hung open. "But I've gotta wor..."

"It's all fixed, sweetheart," Sarah looked into her eyes. "I talked to the station house. You have vacation. Amy and Robyn are going to check on the apartment while we're away. I've canceled the paper. I even threw out the milk. And I packed another bag for us while you weren't looking, and the hotel has laundered the clothes we've worn so far. I even have English pounds for us," she waved an envelope of cash under her girlfriend's nose. She lowered her voice. "I know things have been a little rough for you recently. You need a break. We're going to have a wonderful time."

Jay stared. Eventually, she nodded. "I love you," her voice cracked.

Sarah squeezed her hand.

"Where's my hug?" Joe demanded, opening his arms for his daughter. Jay stepped into his embrace. "My baby girl," he repeated over and over. "I wanna postcard, you hear? No excuses."

Jay pulled back, trying to hide the tears in her eyes. She hugged Vanessa. "I swear," she said to her father and Vanessa.

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Lily sat between her parents on the back seat of the cab. "We going airport, Mama?" she asked Olivia.

"We are, baby," Olivia told her. "Do you remember when we looked at the globe the other night, the night Mommy went to bed early?"

Lily nodded.

"And do you remember when I pointed out England and Italy on the globe?"

"Across the sea?" Lily asked.

"That's right, munchkin. Well, that's where we're going. We're going up in a big airplane, and we're going to fly over the sea, and we're going to stay in England for a few days. And then we're going to Italy." Olivia tried to keep her voice steady, but Alex noticed that she seemed uncharacteristically brittle.

"We're going to have a wonderful time, Lily," Alex said. "We'll go and look at the palace where the Queen of England lives, and we'll be able to see the soldiers on horses outside. And then, when we go to Venice, it's going to be very exciting. Do you know what they have instead of roads in Venice?"

Lily looked askance.

"They have canals instead. So, if you want to go somewhere, instead of getting in a car, or getting on a bus, you get on a boat! Isn't that fun?"

Lily looked a little nervous. "Is it safe, Mommy?"

"It's real safe, baby," Alex said. "We're going to have a wonderful time." Alex looked over, to see Olivia staring out of the window. Olivia tried to appear nonchalant, but her hand was gripping tight to the door handle of the cab. Alex could see she was anxious about something, but she didn't want to make it harder for her to keep herself together.

In the airport, at Alex's request, Sarah and Jay took Lily off to have a look around. She led Olivia to a quiet corner of a coffee shop. "Wait there," she pushed her into a chair. Within three minutes, she was back with two steaming lattes, and placed them both on the table. She reached out and took Olivia's hand.

Olivia started a little, and then gave a small smile. "Sorry, I was miles away," she said.

"Something's wrong," Alex kept her voice steady. "Tell me. Please, Liv."

Olivia saw the anxiety in her eyes. She squeezed her fingers. "It's nothing, Alexandra," she tried to brush it off.

Alex held her hand tighter. "We promised. Remember? We wouldn't hide anything from each other."

Olivia realized that Alex was genuinely concerned, and felt immediately guilty. "Oh Lex," she said. "I'm so sorry. Truly, it's so unimportant. You'll laugh when I tell you."

"You are going to tell me," Alex's voice held a hint of steel.

"It's nothing. It's just … flying."

"But we've flown together before, a bunch of times," Alex didn't understand.

Olivia swallowed. "I know. It's dumb. I can do short flights. I mean, I don't really like it. I can handle it. Usually. But the long flights... and when there's turbulence. And somehow, over water … it's … God, I'm being dumb," Olivia swiped an unwanted tear from her eye. "I'll be fine Alexandra. I _am_ fine. For God's sake, I'm going on honeymoon with the most beautiful woman in the world, and our precious daughter." She took both her hands in hers. "We're going to have such a great time."

The look of relief on Alex's face was palpable. For a split second her face crumbled. "Oh thank God," she breathed. "I'm sorry, baby. I don't mean I'm happy you're scared. I just worried that it was something else."

Olivia gave a wry smile. "It's actually kinda funny, when you think about it. Big, bad Detective Benson scared of a little turbulence. I … the most important thing, is I don't want Lily to realize. I don't want to make her scared too."

Alex smiled. "Lily's not afraid of anything," she said. "Our little girl loves flying. Remember her face looking out of the window on the way here? At her age, _everything's_ magic. She doesn't think about bad things that could happen, she's too busy having fun. You do know it's the safest form of transport, don't you baby?" Alex looked anxiously into her eyes.

Olivia nodded. "I know. I know. Logically, it's all good. And," she forced a smile, "it's all going to be fine. I'm sorry for worrying you, my darling."

Alex kissed her tenderly, whimpering with pleasure as Olivia melted into the kiss. "You realize you've shattered my illusions?" she teased.

"Oh yeah?" Olivia's spark was returning.

"I thought you were fearless. I've never seen you afraid."

"Sure you have. Remember the look on my face when Caryn first propositioned me? _That_ scared the hell out of me!"

Alex chortled. "Let's go find the munchkin, huh?" she suggested gently.

Olivia nodded and smiled.

"I'll be by your side the whole time," Alex told her as she tucked Olivia's hand into her own pocket as they strolled off to find their daughter. "You're the bravest person I know."

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"Will I see my balloon?" Lily was peering out of the window of the plane, her face pressed right up against the glass.

"I don't think so, sweetheart," Alex told her. "Remember, there's a whole lot of sky, and your balloon was real tiny.

"But it was a big balloon," Lily objected stubbornly.

Alex laughed. "Yes, it was, baby. You're right. You never know. Keep looking chipmunk. Tell me what you see."

Olivia sat on the other side of Alex, by the aisle, trying to look nonchalant. So far, the journey had been smooth, but she knew from the net that the weather was a little changeable about two-thirds of the way across the Atlantic, and there was a strong chance of some turbulence. She felt Alex take her hand and interlace their fingers. "It'll all be over in just under four hours," Alex whispered.

Olivia smiled weakly.

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_Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on __the _**_fasten seat belt sign_**_. __We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you._

Olivia inhaled sharply, her hands gripping the arm rests. She tried to steady her breathing, forcing herself to stay calm.

Alex touched her arm reassuringly, and turned to attend to their daughter. "Okay, Lily-bean," Alex smiled brightly. "It's gonna get a bit bumpy now! We're going through some funny clouds," she cinched the seatbelt around Lily's small waist. "It's nothing to worry about, baby. It just means that there's some silly weather outside."

Lily grinned. "Like a thunderstorm?" she asked.

Alex smiled back. "Kinda like that, baby. We might bounce around for a little while, but that's just what the airplane's supposed to do. It means everything's going just right."

"Okay, Mommy," Lily remained unperturbed. "Can I have Harry Hedgehog? I wanna show him the clouds."

Alex smiled as she passed the small child her favorite toy.

The plane lurched again slightly, causing Lily to giggle. Alex smiled at her daughter, reaching surreptitiously for Olivia's hand, prising off the arm rest of the chair.

Olivia was white, sweat beading on her upper lip.

"You doin' okay?" Alex tried to keep her tone light.

"Peachy," Olivia replied after a moment, giving a small, tight smile. She squeezed Alex's fingers, and this time her smile was more genuine. "Still think I'm brave?" she teased lightly, trying to keep her breathing even.

"More than ever," Alex said, sincerely.

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WELCOME TO HEATHROW AIRPORT

"We made it," Alex laughed as she pushed a still shaken Olivia to a seat. "You hold our firstborn, while I get the luggage."

Jay stood firmly in front of them both. "Sit," she commanded. "It's the least I can do. Let me get the bags. You two are on honeymoon. Enjoy it," she smiled.

Alex allowed Olivia to pull her to a seat. "Does she know about the baby?" Alex wondered, keeping her voice low so the snoozing Lily didn't hear.

"No," Olivia said. "There's no way she can know. She's just being chivalrous. She's a sweet girl. Look, Sarah's helping her."

Alex let out a sigh of relief. "It's not that I want to be secretive," she said. "It's just … after last time … I wanna wait until it's 12 weeks. And then we just tell a few."

"I agree, Alexandra," Olivia agreed. "But I really do think … this time … everything's gonna be fine. You feel okay, right?"

"I feel great," Alex agreed. "I get tired, but hey, then I get to spend more time in bed with my girlfriend. Win-win," she smiled.

"Do you mind having scans so often?" Olivia asked her.

Alex shook her head. "I like it. It's reassuring. Liv, later on, when you can see, d'you want to know the sex?"

Olivia pondered the question. "I don't know. With Lily, it was fun, the not knowing. I think this time … maybe? I think … I mean, Lily is so amazing. If we _weren't_ having another girl, I might wonder if it could be as good. _But_," she laughed, "if we _do_ have another girl, she can't possibly be as wonderful as Lily. But _again_, this time you're carrying her. Or him. So," she kissed Alex softly, "this baby's gonna be a heartbreaker. I don't know. What do you feel?"

"I don't know either. I don't think I care one way or the other. I can't decide," Alex grinned, sheepishly, not used to being indecisive.

"You're gonna make me decide, aren't you?" Olivia teased.

Alex looked at her. "Probably," she admitted.

"Here come the girls with our baggage," Olivia smiled. She lowered the now sound-asleep Lily into her stroller. "Let's get a cab."

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"Oh my God," Jay looked out of the hotel window. "You can see Nelson's Column from here! We are so close to Trafalgar Square. I can't wait to go exploring."

"It's midnight," Sarah told her.

"I know. But it doesn't feel like midnight."

"That's because it's only 7pm in New York," Sarah smiled. "But we have to get used to the time change."

"Just a half hour," Jay pleaded. "I wanna see the fountains. I want to look at the buildings. Did you know," she consulted a guide book, "that that gorgeous building is the National Gallery? It's got Van Gogh's Sunflowers. And The Haywain. And The Fighting Temeraire," she was reading excitedly from the page. "We have to go in. And it's free. That's amazing."

"We will go. Tomorrow. It's the first thing we do after breakfast," Sarah promised.

"What about the fountains?" Jay pressed. "It's a beautiful night. It's not even cold. C'mon, sweetheart, what do you say?"

"I'll do you a deal," Sarah's eyes twinkled. "I'll go with you now. For a half hour. And then," she reached up and lovingly cupped Jay's small, firm breast. "Then you show me just what you can do in this kingsize bed."

Jay sucked her breath in sharply as Sarah's fingers found their target, and started circling the ever-hardening nipple. "It's a deal," she laughed at herself when her voice was two octaves lower than she expected. "I promise," she kissed Sarah deeply, "that you will have my undivided attention. For as long as you want. Wherever you want," she had already seen the huge shower in the bathroom. "_However_ you want."

Sarah grinned. "Let's go. The sooner we leave, the sooner we get back."

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"This is perfect," Alex turned in the massive bed, her breathing returning to normal. "_That_ was perfect," she smiled. "You," she kissed Olivia, "really are a very talented woman."

Olivia smiled. "I'm lucky. My beautiful wife brings out the best in me."

"Wife," Alex mused. "I like that. I like being Mrs Benson. Mrs Alexandra Benson. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

"It's something I could get used to," Olivia teased. "And you were right," she fingered a pink nipple, "making out with a married woman... it can be hot. _Real_ hot."

"What about a married, _pregnant_ woman?"

"Unbelievable," Olivia said, losing her bantering tone. "Unbe-fucking-lievable."

"Detective Benson!" Alex pretended horror at her wife's language.

"Nu-uh," Olivia said. "Not here. Not Detective Benson. Not on honeymoon. Mrs Benson. Mrs Olivia Benson. Wife to the world's hottest woman, Mrs Alexandra Benson."

"D'you think I'm getting fat yet?" Alex asked, peering at her own, flat stomach.

Olivia smiled. "There isn't an ounce of fat on you. You're just … perfect," she smiled, dreamily, as she placed her hand on Alex's belly. "But I can't wait until this one starts to show."

"I'll waddle."

"Yeah," Olivia's smile grew.

"I'll be huge."

"I hope so. The more of you there is, the better."

"I'll be snarky."

"No change there, then," Olivia ducked as Alex swatted her.

"I hope you'll still be attracted to me," for the first time, Alex sounded genuinely anxious.

Olivia looked deep into her eyes. "Now I know you have to be kidding me. I can't think of anything sexier than watching you grow with our child inside you."

"I always thought you liked my body," Alex's lip started to wobble.

"I _love_ your body. There's nothing about your body I don't love. It's beautiful. Every. Single. Inch. But now it's doing something amazing. Did you stop finding me attractive when I was carrying Lily?"

"Oh God no. The opposite. You were … wow," Alex remembered Olivia's overflowing bra and rounded stomach, and felt a sharp jolt at her center. "You … oh Liv. I was so turned on. _All_ the time."

"Well it's the same for me. Whatever your body is doing, I'll never stop wanting you. Alex," Olivia blushed slightly.

Alex looked at her.

"I've always enjoyed sex," Olivia continued. "I mean, what's not to love? But with you... it's like I was only playing before. Before I met you. It's a whole different level with you."

"I know. I feel it too," Alex's hand slid down Olivia's toned thigh, stroking her soft skin. Carefully, she pushed Olivia's legs apart, and started slowly caressing the inside of her thighs. "I've never felt so connected," very tenderly she cupped Olivia at her apex, smiling at the gasp of pleasure she elicited. "I don't know if it's these damned hormones, but I just can't get enough of you. "I know it's late, but," she kissed Olivia softly. "I need to feel you. To taste you," she whispered, as she dropped tender kisses on her neck. "I want to make you come. Again and again," she licked a deliciously stiff nipple, grinning at the squeak that Olivia emitted.

"You already did that, Counselor," Olivia's breathing was quickening. "Three times, if memory serves."

"But it's our honeymoon," Alex used her hands to push Olivia's thighs further apart. "Can you really have too much of a good thing?" she smiled at the sight that awaited her. "It looks to me like your body's making your decision for you, Mrs Benson," she teased Olivia's outer lips with one soft, gentle finger, delighting at the moisture she encountered. "I'll stop if you want," she said, her own breathing hitching as Olivia's back arched involuntarily.

"If you stop now," Olivia bit out, "I'm gonna sue you."

"For what?" Alex said, her voice gravelly and full of promise.

"Anything. Everything. Breach of promise. Failure to deliver. Wasting police time. Oh sweet Jesus, Alex," Olivia bucked as she felt her wife's talented tongue. "Oh please baby. That's … dear Lord. I've never … we only just … Alex no. Slow down. We need to come together. I want … I'm not going to be able to hold on. Alex. Please baby," she laced her hand in Alex's soft hair, the tremors that wracked her body as she tried to hold on coursing down her arm.

Alex had always loved Olivia's responsiveness. In the right circumstances, Alex could bring her to a mind-blowing climax in just minutes. To Alex, there was nothing more erotic than the way Olivia submitted so completely to her attentions. She was happy to make herself supremely vulnerable, something that Alex just knew Olivia had only ever been able to do with her. She trusted Alex completely, and that knowledge made Alex want to cry.

"This is for you," Alex whispered, as her tongue worked its magic. "I want you to come for me, Liv. I want," carefully, she inserted two fingers, grinning at the ease with which Olivia's body welcomed the intrusion, "I want you to let it go. You," she started to pump gently, "are," she kissed the taut bundle of nerves, "the hottest thing I have ever seen." She slid a third finger in, knowing that her own climax would come seconds after Olivia's.

Olivia let out a feral cry, her hips matching Alex's rhythm, pushing her to speed up. "Lex," she gasped. "More. I want … oh baby. You know what I want. That's it. Just there," she was bucking uncontrollably by now, riding Alex's strong fingers. "You … you … Lex," her words became almost undiscernable. "If you … Alexandra."

Olivia's climax was explosive, bringing Alex over the edge with her seconds later.

It was a full fifteen minutes before either of them felt able to speak.

"Mrs Benson?" Olivia spoke first.

"Yes, Mrs Benson?" Alex smiled lovingly at her.

"I think I'm going to enjoy married life," Olivia kissed her softly.

"It's all going nicely so far," Alex agreed. "I believe this may be a mutually beneficial arrangement."

Olivia grinned. "You bet your sweet ass."


	34. Chapter 34

Olivia poked Alex playfully in her side.

"G'way," Alex mumbled, shoving her face firmly back into the pillow.

"Time to wake up, Mrs Benson," Olivia said lightly, running her hand down Alex's arm.

Alex grunted.

"I know you're not a morning person," Olivia smiled. "But we've gotta get used to the change of hour. I got you some coffee," she tried to tempt her out of her stupor.

"Whassa time?" Alex slurred.

"9.30am, UK time," Olivia told her.

"So that's 4.30am New York time," Alex complained, turning over on to her back, blinking at the light. "Ugh."

"We don't want to waste the day," Olivia kissed her softly. "There's so much I want to see. And I promised Lily we'd take her to see where the Queen lives."

Alex smiled, sitting up reluctantly. She put out her hand, demandingly.

Olivia smiled as she passed her the coffee.

Alex took a deep draught. She looked over at Olivia, and smiled. "Hey Mrs B," she said.

"Right back atcha," Olivia said. She looked at her watch. "I'm gonna give you 10 minutes, and then I want that ass in the shower."

"Fifteen, and you're coming in with me," Alex bargained.

"You're such a lawyer," Olivia smiled. "Always bargaining. Always making a deal."

Alex mock-pouted. "If you don't _want_ to shower with me..."

"Oh I want," Olivia said. "I very much want. Fourteen minutes and counting, counselor."

"What are we going to do about waking Lily?" Alex asked.

"She's been asleep for nearly eight hours, which is amazing considering the hour change and everything. I think if we make plenty of noise, she'll wake up naturally. If not, we'll go in and wake up her gently. She has to get used to the time change too. It's another hour difference once we get to Venice. She can have a nap this afternoon. We all can."

"Buckingham Palace is real close," Alex said. "We can walk there if you want, get some air."

"I forgot you already know London so well. That's gonna help."

"I think the Changing of the Guard is in the afternoon," Alex reached for her glasses and the guide book. "Yes, it says here, 4pm. So we should do something else this morning. Hey," she flicked through the book. "Let's do a Duck Tour! Lily will love that."

"Just what in the hell is a Duck Tour?" Olivia sounded suspicious.

"You know. It's when you get on one of those amphibious vehicles, and get a guided tour of the city. And then, just when you think it's all over, it goes into the river! It says here the river part goes up by the Houses of Parliament."

"Is it safe?" Olivia wanted to know.

"Completely," Alex climbed out of bed, and took her in her arms. She kissed her deeply. "I never thought this day would come," she said, dreamily.

"What day?"

"Today. The first morning of our honeymoon. If you had told me, when I used to moon over you in the squad room at the 1-6 that I would one day be planning our first day of our honeymoon, in a hotel suite in London, with our beautiful daughter sleeping in the next room, I think I would have exploded with happiness."

Olivia smiled lovingly at her. She took her hand, and pulled her gently toward the bathroom. As they stepped into the huge shower, she caressed Alex's wet face. "So you used to moon over me, huh?" she teased.

"I still do," Alex replied, honestly. "I think I always will."

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Lily screamed with delight as the amphibious vehicle slid into the water. "Mama! Mommy! Look!" she pointed out of the window. "Water!"

Alex laughed at the child who was sitting firmly on her wife's lap. "That's right, baby girl. We're on the river now. See," she pointed at a large passenger boat. "See those people? They're having fun on the river too."

Lily waved manically at the passengers, and was thrilled when several of them waved back.

Alex caught Olivia's eye, and saw that she was blinking away tears. "This is pretty goddamned perfect," Alex whispered, touching Olivia's hand lightly.

Olivia nodded, too moved to speak. She hugged Lily tight.

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"We should sleep," Olivia said firmly, as she shut Lily's door having put her down for a nap after lunch. "_You_ should sleep. You're exhausted, Alex," she said, gently.

Alex yawned, and then grinned. "That's because my slave-driver of a wife _forced_ me out of bed at an ungodly hour this morning."

Olivia smiled, and took her hand, leading her toward the bedroom. She pulled down the covers on the bed. "In," she instructed, as Alex toed off her sneakers and unbuttoned her pants.

Alex sat on the side of the bed, and shed her pants. "I am kinda tired," she admitted. "But I want to be with you."

"It's a good thing I'm coming in with you then," Olivia smiled, as she slid out of her own jeans. She lay down, and pulled Alex into her arms, loving it as Alex snuggled into her. "Comfy?" Olivia asked.

"Never better," Alex was already half-asleep.

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"Big horses!" Lily declared. "Look, Jay," she pointed out the biggest of the horses.

"They're real big," Jay agreed. "And real smart too. This is amazing," she took Sarah's hand.

"So where do we want to eat tonight?" Alex asked. "You two will come with us?" she asked.

Jay shook her head. "No, you should be together. This is your honeymoon."

Olivia put a firm hand on her shoulder. "Alex has made it very clear she is in charge," she said, drily. "And Alex has decreed that we're all gonna eat together tonight. So, unless you're prepared to deal with a snarky lawyer, I suggest you just do as you're told. And Lily wants you to come, don't you Lily?"

Lily had no idea what was going on, but she reached out to Jay, demanding to be held in her arms.

Jay took her from Olivia, and lifted her on to her shoulders, so that she had a better view. "That would be great, then," she said softly. "Wouldn't it Sarah?"

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Caryn looked at the screen of her phone. "I have to get this," she said apologetically to Casey, who had come into her office to discuss a case. Casey smiled understandingly.

"Hey, Abbie," Caryn said. "Abs? What's wrong? Are you okay? I know, baby. I know. You're tired, Abigail. Things always look worse when you're tired. Look," she looked at her watch, "I'm gonna try and get out of here bang on time, so I'll be home in under two hours, I can take over then. I just have to get this deposition finished. You need to get some sleep. I'll take care of you, I promise." Caryn looked up, to see Casey standing in front of her, Caryn's coat in her hands.

"I can do that," Casey said firmly. "Go. Now."

"I can't leave you with that, you have your own work. You'll be here until 9pm," Caryn protested.

"I have nowhere else I need to be. You do. Look, Caryn, I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to risk the wrath of Carmichael if you don't get back to her in the next half hour. You can make it up to me some time," Casey's tone was light and teasing. "I mean it," she said firmly. "Tell Abbie you're on your way."

"You, Novak, are a superstar. If you weren't straight, I'd kiss you right now," Caryn grinned. "Abs?" she spoke into the phone. "I'll be right there."

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"Abigail?" Caryn asked tentatively, as she opened the door to the apartment. Immediately, she heard baby Daniel's wailing.

She went through to the living room, and saw her tearful girlfriend, holding the eight-week-old baby on her lap. Abbie was distraught. "He won't stop crying," she said. "He won't feed," her shirt was open, "his diaper's clean. I'm trying to calm him down, but it's not working."

"That's because you're exhausted," Caryn spoke softly. "And _you_, young Master Daniel, are making your mommy anxious," she lifted him from Abbie's arms. "Oh Abbie," she looked over at the pale, shaken woman. "It's all okay. It's all perfectly natural."

"I don't think I can do this," Abbie said, shakily. "He deserves a better mom than me. He needs somebody who can cope, who won't crumble when...," fat tears fell on her cheek.

"He already has a wonderful mom," Caryn said softly. "Just his mom's having a bad day today. Like all moms do. I'm going to have a little talk with him, aren't I Danny Boy? And while I'm doing that, I want you to go take a bath. Put some bubbles in. Relax, sweetheart. And when you come out, this young man," she addressed the baby, who was already calmer, "will be ready for his dinner. You look full there, Abbie," very tenderly, she touched a full breast. "You'll both feel better once he's had a feed. And then, if our son and heir continues to fuss, he can do it to his ma who, I can tell you, is in no mood for any nonsense today," she smiled at their child.

"I'm pathetic," Abbie sniffed.

"You're not. You're wonderful. But you need some time to yourself. Bathroom, now," Caryn said mock-sternly.

Forty minutes later, a clean, more relaxed Abbie emerged from the bathroom, in clean pajamas, with freshly washed hair. She looked over at her lover, who sat in the armchair, their son in her arms. Daniel was watching his second mother intently, seemingly listening to the low monologue that Caryn was delivering.

"Hey, baby boy," Caryn was saying. "I hope you realize just how handsome you are. I gotta tell you, kid, that some of those babies in the hospital... wow. I know they say all babies are beautiful, but you have to know, that really isn't true. But you, Daniel, are almost as good-looking as your mommy. And she," Caryn smiled, touching the baby's soft cheek, "she's a real stunner. You probably won't realize just how lucky you are to have her as your mom. She loves you so much. We both do, and so does your dad. He's gonna come and see you next week, won't that be nice?"

Caryn looked up to see Abbie. "You look better," she said softly. She stood up from the chair. "Sit here, baby," she said to Abbie. She leant down and kissed her very tenderly, cupping her cheek. With one hand, the other expertly balancing their baby, Caryn unbuttoned Abbie's pajama top, pulling the sides apart. "These are looking great," she whispered, winking at Abbie, who let out a small laugh. Caryn cupped one breast lightly. "So, Daniel John, how about it? Time for some dinner, huh?" she lowered the baby into Abbie's arms.

Abbie looked down at the child, who gazed back calmly at his mother. His face slowly broke into a wide smile. Abbie smiled back, not noticing the tears that ran down her cheek. She kissed Daniel on the top of his head. "I love you, baby boy," she whispered. She adjusted the child, bringing him to her nipple. She smiled as he latched on immediately.

Caryn watched as her son suckled contentedly, emitting small, happy snuffles. "That's better Abbie," she whispered. "We're okay. We're all okay now."

Abbie reached out for her hand. "Thank you," she said quietly.

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Alex half-shut Lily's door, returning to the living area of their hotel suite. Olivia looked up from the guide book. "She go down okay?"

"She's playing with Harry," Alex kept her voice low. "But she'll be out soon, I just know it. It was a great day, Liv. Did you see her face when we went into the water this morning?"

Olivia nodded. She reached out for Alex, smiling as she snuggled up to her on the couch. "I never knew I could be this lucky."

"There's a fantastic dinosaur exhibition at the Natural History Museum," Alex said, "shall we take Lily there tomorrow? Then we can have some lunch, before coming back here for a nap. What do you think?"

"You know how to get there?"

"Of course," Alex smiled. "I went there a bunch of times when I was here."

"Why did you do that?" Olivia was curious.

"I had my eye on the girl behind the counter at the café there," Alex admitted with a grin. "I couldn't work out if she was gay or not. But she had a beautiful smile. _And_ a great rack, if memory serves," she laughed.

Olivia snorted. "So?" she demanded. "Was she gay?"

"Oh she was gay alright," Alex said smugly.

"You _didn't_?" Olivia laughed.

"Sleep with her? No," Alex said. "I didn't. But on my last day there, she followed me into the bathroom. There's a disabled cubicle at the end. Let's just say, we got to know each other a little better," she was smiling widely. "And, Detective Benson, when you're a horny seventeen-year-old, making out in the bathroom of the Natural History Museum with a hot chick with great boobs is something that should be in _every_ guide book," she snatched the book from Olivia's hand, and threw it playfully to the floor.

"Is that right?" Olivia raised an eyebrow.

"Most definitely. Though, I have to say," she started to unbutton Olivia's shirt, "it doesn't begin to compare with being a horny 31-year-old, making out in a top hotel with a hot chick with _spectacular_ boobs," she slid her hand into Olivia's bra.

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"Dinosaur had real big teeth, Mama," Lily said as they entered the small restaurant near the museum. They had just spent three hours in the Natural History Museum, and they were all tired and hungry.

"It did, baby," Olivia smiled. "Okay, Lily, you come with me, and we'll go tinkle, while your mommy finds us a table, okay sweetie?"

Lily nodded.

Alex had been seated for just over a minute, and was quietly perusing the menu when a man of around 35 came up to her. "All on your own, blondie?" he said.

Alex looked startled. "No," she said curtly, gesturing at the other place settings. "Just waiting on my family."

He looked and saw her wedding ring. "Married. Damn," he leaned over Alex, peering unsubtly down her shirt. "If you ever get bored of the old man, call me," he reached into his jacket to retrieve a card.

"Leave me alone," Alex said, icily.

"Or what?" he was cocky and, Alex realized, a little drunk.

"Or you'll regret it," Olivia said quietly from behind. She passed an oblivious Lily to Alex. She turned to face the man. "Go back to your table," she hissed. "If you say one more thing to my _wife_," she stressed the word, "I swear to you, you'll regret it."

Alex looked relieved as he ambled away. "Thanks," she said quietly to Olivia, making sure not to alert Lily.

"You wanna leave?" Olivia asked.

"No," Alex was firm. "I like it here. The menu's perfect. I won't be pushed out."

"Good girl," Olivia said approvingly.

They were half way through their lunch, talking and laughing, when the drunk man approached again, on his way back from the bathroom. He put both hands on the table, and leered forward. "Fucking dykes," he said. "You're what's wrong with this world."

Olivia was on her feet in a second, and before he knew what was happening, his arm was twisted painfully behind his back.

The restaurant manager was at their side in seconds. "Out," he pointed to the door, indicating that the drunk man should leave.

Olivia took a deep breath. "There's no need for that," she said, calmly. "He won't bother us again. Right?" she hissed.

"If you're sure?" the manager said.

"I'm sure," Olivia said. She sat back down, seeing a scared Lily in Alex's arms.

The drunk man slunk off, his ego deflated.

"It's okay, Lily," Alex was saying to their daughter. "He's gone now."

"He was a mean man," Lily said.

"He was," Alex agreed.

"Why was he mean to you, Mommy?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Because he's very silly."

"What did he call you?"

"He used a nasty word."

"But why?" Lily insisted.

Alex turned Lily in her lap, so that she could see her face. She brushed her hair off her face. "There are some people, Lily, who think that your Mama and I shouldn't be together."

"But you love Mama," Lily was tearful.

"I do, munchkin. More than anything. And she loves me too. And we both love you, so much."

"So why was the man mean?"

"Because he doesn't think ladies should love ladies. He thinks ladies should only love men. And men should only love ladies."

"But that's silly, Mommy."

"It's very silly Lily. And whenever we meet anyone like him, we have to remember that it's they who are silly. There's nothing wrong with a woman falling in love with a woman, or a man falling in love with a man. The important thing, is love. And we have so much of it. For each other, and for you."

"I don't like him," Lily started to snivel.

"I don't like him either," Alex admitted.

"Did you hurt him Mama?" Lily asked Olivia.

"No baby. But I think I may have scared him a little," Olivia said.

"Good," Alex spoke before she could stop herself.

She looked up, to see the manager standing by the table. The manager was smiling apologetically. "I am so sorry," he said, sincerely. "Are you ladies alright?"

"We're fine," Alex said. "Thank you, though."

"And is your daughter alright?" he persisted.

"She'll be fine," Alex said, smiling at him.

The manager nodded. "I'd like to bar him, but he brings in a lot of business clients, and spends a lot of money with us. But if you'd like..."

"It's okay, we understand," Olivia interrupted.

"There will be no charge for your meal. And," he looked over, to see one of his staff re-enter the restaurant. "If you would allow us, we have a small gift for your daughter," he took the bag that the waiter held out, and withdrew a freshly purchased teddy bear, which he passed to Olivia.

Lily's face lit up.

Olivia smiled. "Thank you. That's lovely. Lily, what do you say?" she said, as she passed the bear over to her daughter.

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Olivia smiled at the manager as he ushered them out of the restaurant.

Alex looked round. "I'll be right back," she touched Olivia's arm, and slid back into the restaurant. She approached the table where the drunk man was sitting, facing a male companion who, she assumed, was a business contact.

Alex sat on the empty chair adjacent to the man, and looked him directly in the eye. "You can say what you want to me. I'm an adult. I can take it. My daughter is not yet three, and you are now in the proud position of being the first openly bigoted person she has encountered. I hope you're proud of that. I hope you are proud to have made an innocent little girl unhappy."

She stood up, and looked down at the table, spotting his plate of spaghetti bolognese. She reached down, and calmly tipped the plate into his lap.

"Well, would you look at that," she said, icily. "I'm so sorry," insincerity dripped from her every pore. She slapped a £50 note on the table. "Do let me pay for your dry cleaning. Or maybe your boyfriend can sponge you off?"

The drunk man shot to his feet, clearly desperate to shout at her, but he had to behave in front of his client. "You'll regret that," he hissed.

"I very much doubt that I shall," Alex said haughtily, as she sashayed out of the restaurant.

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"She's sleeping?" Olivia asked.

"Like the dead," Alex laughed. "It's been a full day."

"You were fantastic. In the restaurant, I mean. You made him look so stupid."

"He made himself look stupid. Do you think she'll be okay?" she gestured toward Lily's room.

Olivia nodded. "It was bound to happen, sooner or later. She's going to have to get used to some prejudice. Things are changing, but not fast enough. We just have to prepare her for it, and be there for her when some _asshole_," she couldn't keep the bitterness out of her voice, "says something stupid."

Alex nodded. "The manager was nice though."

"He was. Did you see his face when you tipped that plate over him? He _loved_ it. So did I. And," Olivia grinned as she sat in the armchair, "I think you should be rewarded for what you did. So," she unbuttoned her own shirt, "why don't you come over here, and I'll see if I can think of something to make it up to you?"

Alex smiled.

"Take off your panties," Olivia told her, her voice lowering an octave as she thought about what she was about to do.

Alex kicked off her shoes, and reached up under her summer dress, peeling off her panties seductively.

Olivia patted her knee invitingly.

Alex approached her, and lowered herself slowly onto Olivia's lap, so that she was facing her, one leg either side of Olivia's denim-clad knees.

"There you go," Olivia said with a smile on her face. She reached up to caress a soft breast through the flimsy material of Alex's dress. "Well, I think this has to go," she slid the spaghetti straps down her arm, and pulled the dress almost down to Alex's waist. "You know I love it when you don't wear a bra," she growled, delighted as she saw Alex's nipples tighten visibly, despite the warm air. "It makes it so much easier to do this," she leant forward and took a turgid nipple unbelievably softly in her mouth.

Alex's eyes darkened with lust, though she managed just to stop herself whimpering out loud.

"I love this dress," Olivia fingered the soft material lightly. She pushed the skirt of the dress up Alex's thighs, sliding both hands along muscled legs. "You look fantastic in this dress. You look even more fantastic _out_ of this dress," she pushed the dress further up, revealing ever more of her stunning girlfriend. She recaptured the nipple, this time allowing her tongue to tease the taut bud.

This time, Alex couldn't suppress a moan, and she slid her hand round the back of Olivia's head, pulling her closer to her, trying to increase the pressure.

"You tell me what you want, baby," Olivia whispered, "tell me what would make you feel good."

"You know what I want," Alex gasped.

"I think I do," Olivia smiled. She allowed one hand to travel up a creamy thigh, caressing and teasing as she went. She grinned as she felt the welcoming moisture. "Hard?" Olivia thought she could read the expression on Alex's face.

"Please," Alex gulped.

"One? Two?"

"Two. Now," Alex's back arched involuntarily as she felt Olivia enter her firmly. Alex cried out at the delicious sensation. She reached down, jamming her hand roughly into Olivia's bra, almost climaxing at the large, stiff nipple she encountered. "Oh Liv," Alex bit out. "This won't take long. Just …," she started rocking. "There. More. You won't hurt me. I want to … harder … Liv."

Olivia grinned as her wife unraveled in her arms, all self-control gone, thrusting and bucking wantonly.

Alex cried out as she came, collapsing seconds later in Olivia's loving embrace.

Olivia held her as she came down from her high. She had been so proud of her in the restaurant. Six months ago, the verbal attack would have made Alex crumble; the trauma of the miscarriage had destroyed her confidence and made her scared and tenuous. But now, Olivia mused, as she held her panting wife, she was back to full strength. She had been treated badly today, but she had snapped back, and more than held her own. Olivia knew it would be many years before she forgot the look of shock on the face of their aggressor, when the spaghetti had landed in his lap.

"I'm so proud of you," Olivia whispered. "So very proud."


	35. Chapter 35

Olivia turned over in bed, and realized she was alone. She heard an ominous sound from the bathroom, and saw a strip of light under the door. She got to her feet, just as she heard the toilet flush.

Olivia tapped gently on the door as she opened it. She saw a miserable Alex on the floor, leaning against the wall. Her face was white, and she had one hand still on the toilet bowl.

"Morning sickness?" Olivia guessed.

Alex nodded, wryly. "It's over. I think," she tried to smile.

"Bad?"

Alex shook her head. "No."

"How long have you been in here?"

Alex peered up at the clock on the wall. "'bout ten minutes," she said.

"That's long enough," Olivia was holding a washcloth under the warm water. She wrung it out and, crouching, wiped Alex's face tenderly.

"'s'nice," Alex smiled. "Thank you honey. I'm sorry I woke you."

Olivia put out both hands, and helped Alex to stand. She closed the toilet lid and pressed Alex to sit, while she passed her her toothbrush.

"You're too good to me," Alex said when they were back in bed and she was snuggled in Olivia's arms.

"Nonsense," Olivia said firmly. "How do you feel now, Alexandra?"

"I feel okay," Alex was almost surprised herself.

"Can you sleep?"

"Yeah," Alex yawned.

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Lily looked up from her breakfast as Alex emerged from the bedroom, sporting a serious case of bed-head, and blinking myopically.

"Mommy!" Lily cried, waving her chewed piece of toast in excitement.

"Morning, peanut," Alex smiled, kissing her on the top of her head.

"How do you feel?" Olivia asked.

"Like a million dollars," Alex smiled, as she leant down and kissed Olivia deeply.

Olivia raised an eyebrow.

"Truly," Alex insisted. "I'm fine now. And I'm looking forward to tonight."

Olivia smiled. On their first date, Alex and Olivia had gone to the Met to see a performance of the La Traviata, and she was excited because she had managed to get tickets to see the same opera at London's renowned Royal Opera House. She knew it was Alex's favorite opera, and she couldn't wait to walk in with Alex on her arm. But she didn't want to do any of it if Alex was feeling bad. "We'll talk later," Olivia said lightly.

Alex put her hand on her arm. "I feel great," she said firmly. "And believe me, detective, if I have to go on my own, I will," she teased.

"Will you sleep this afternoon?" Olivia persisted.

Alex shot her a black look, and Olivia put her hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'll stop fussing."

Alex pulled a chair up so that she could sit next to Lily; she was holding the London guide book, and looked excited. Olivia sat back and watched the interaction between her two very favorite people.

"Hey munchkin," Alex smiled at their daughter. "How would you like to go to a real-life castle today?"

Lily's eyes lit up.

"I thought it might be good if we take a boat down the river and visit the Tower of London," Alex was including Olivia in her suggestion. "We can get the boat from near here. And we'll see all sorts of fun things on the way. And once we get to the Tower, which is like a huge castle, there's so much for us to see. Look at this, Lily," Alex pointed to a picture of a Beefeater. "The soldiers that guard the Tower dress like this!"

Lily laughed.

"There's so much that has happened at the Tower. The kings and queens of England used to live there, including the best known there, who was Henry VIII. Guess how many wives he had?"

Olivia laughed. "Alex, she's not yet three. You can't expect her to know history. Especially _British_ history!"

"How many mommy?" Lily ignored Olivia.

"He had six wives!" Alex grinned triumpantly, giving Olivia a smug look. "And when he got bored with one of them, he cut off her head and got married again!"

Lily shrieked with laughter. Her mommy was clearly having a joke with her.

"There was even a zoo at the Tower," Alex read from the guide book. "And look, a long, long, long time ago, there was even a polar bear kept there!"

"I wanna go! I wanna see the bear!" Lily declared.

"He's not there any more, peanut," Olivia said gently. "But there's lots of other stuff. Shall we go get ready?"

Lily held out her arms so that Olivia could free her from her chair.

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Alex managed to persuade Sarah and Jay to accompany them to the Tower of London, and the five of them had a wonderful morning, enjoying the sights and sounds of the magnificent buildings. By the time they got back to the hotel at 2pm, Alex was fading.

"_You_," Olivia instructed as she eyed her pale wife, "are going to bed. No," she held up a hand as Alex tried to demur. "No arguments. We had a wonderful time this morning. I don't know how you keep all those facts in your head," she smiled at the memory of Alex's excitement as she explained the history to them all. "But you're tired. And I want my wife rested and relaxed for tonight. I don't want you to fall asleep during La Traviata."

Alex nodded tiredly. "You're right," she reluctantly admitted.

"Lily's still full of beans, so we're gonna do some sightseeing on our own, while you get some rest."

"You will wake me in time?"

"I swear," Olivia promised.

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"She's been getting ready for _ever_," Olivia said, impatiently, as she sat, drumming her fingers, waiting for Alex to emerge from the bedroom.

Jay laughed. "She wants to look pretty for you, Olivia."

"She always does," Olivia looked at her watch. "The cab's coming in five minutes," she said.

"And we'll be in time for it," Alex smiled as she came out of the bedroom.

Olivia's jaw dropped. Alex was always beautiful; whatever she wore, or didn't wear, Olivia thought with a grin. But now... she was simply stunning. She wore an elegant blue silk dress that accentuated all of her curves and gave a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage while still remaining extremely classy. Alex had curled her hair lightly, and it fell on her bare shoulders. She wore the small diamond earrings that Olivia had bought her to celebrate their first year together. She looked like an angel.

Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but couldn't find the words.

Alex smiled nervously. "Is this okay?" she gestured to her dress.

Olivia cleared her throat, which was suddenly dry. "It's perfect," she said, huskily. "You're perfect. Alex, you are just stunning. Look, Lily," Olivia called to their daughter. "Doesn't your Mommy look beautiful?"

"Real pretty, Mommy," Lily agreed.

"I didn't want to let you down. I know the Royal Opera House is a real special place."

"Nobody's gonna be watching the stage," Olivia said. "All eyes will be on you."

"Let's go catch that cab," Alex was embarrassed at all the compliments. She turned to Sarah and Jay. "Thank you so much for babysitting. Lily loves spending time with you. If you have any trouble, call us. I'll leave my phone on, on silent. I'll be able to feel it vibrate."

"No you won't," Olivia said firmly. "During the opera, both of our phones will be off. Sarah and Jay know what they're doing. We can check for messages at the interval. I want you to enjoy the music, Alexandra."

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As they entered the Royal Opera House after an early dinner, Olivia looked surreptitiously at Alex. Her heart filled with joy when she saw the serene expression on her face, happiness radiating from her. Olivia reached for her hand.

Alex looked at Olivia; she touched her cheek very gently. "Thank you," she whispered, as they made their way to their seats.

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"What time does the cab get here?" Sarah asked a flustered Olivia.

"Two hours," Olivia was trying to pack a bag.

"Well then why don't we take Lily to see the lions in Trafalgar Square? We'll bring her back in an hour and a half," Jay suggested.

Alex smiled at the idea. Lily loved the lion statues, and it was a warm morning. "That's a great idea," she said, gratefully.

After Sarah, Jay and Lily had left, Alex put a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Why so anxious?" she asked in a soft voice.

Olivia turned to her. "I'm not anxious. I just want everything to go smoothly. We have to pack our bags, and we need to check everything for the flight to Venice. And then we have to check out of the hotel. And we have to leave that bag of souvenirs for Sarah and Jay to take home for us. We need to …."

"We need to relax," Alex said calmly. "C'mon Liv, everything's going great. The bags are nearly packed. You concentrate on finishing those, I'll drop this," she lifted another bag "to Sarah and Jay's room. Then we can get some coffee, and we'll sit down and check all the flight and hotel details for Venice together. Though I doubt anything has changed since last time we checked!" she smiled at her wife. "And I've already checked us out, that's where I was ten minutes ago. Everything's fixed, we just have to drop the key at the desk on the way out."

Olivia smiled. "I'm overreacting," she admitted.

"And you're not looking forward to the flight," Alex said gently.

Olivia's head snapped up. She opened her mouth to object, and then shut it again. She smiled, wryly. "That too."

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Jay and Sarah hugged the family as they left, waving as the taxi made its way down the busy street.

Jay turned to Sarah, finding herself suddenly and unexpectedly moved. "I love your family," she said, her voice cracking.

Sarah took her hand. "They're _your_ family now, too," she reminded her gently. "Lily thinks of you as her big sister."

"It's kinda weird. Alex and Olivia... they're so different from each other. But they … they just _fit_ together. Like two different halves of the same puzzle."

"Like us," Sarah said softly. "We're very different from each other. But," she squeezed Jay's fingers, "I can't think of anyone more perfect than you. If I didn't have you, I don't think I'd want anyone."

"I feel the same way," Jay said. "After … _her_," she tried to keep the bitterness from her voice, "I was never going to risk falling in love again. And then I saw you, and my resolve just melted away. This sounds crazy, but I just knew, before I even spoke to you, that you wouldn't hurt me. I didn't know anything about you. I didn't even know if you were gay. But I knew that I could trust you. I knew you could never destroy me, the way she did," a lone tear trickled down her cheek. She reached out and cupped Sarah's cheek tenderly with one hand. "There was something in your eyes. You have the kindest eyes I have ever seen."

"Let's go back to our room," Sarah suggested. She knew that Jay was becoming emotional, and she wanted to shield her from outsiders. Jay rarely referred to her rape, but if she wanted to open up now, Sarah wanted to be there for her. She hated hearing about the rape, but she knew that every time Jay talked about it, it was a further step in her recovery.

Jay blinked.

Sarah took her hand, and led her back into the hotel, pushing her gently into the elevator when it arrived. When the doors slid shut, she took Jay in her arms. She kissed her very softly on the lips. "I'm here," she whispered to her. "I'm here for you," the elevator pinged, announcing its arrival on their floor. Sarah guided Jay to their room, feeling her girlfriend relax as they shut the door behind them. Sarah caressed her cheek, seeing the conflicting emotions flit across her open, honest face. "You wanna talk?"

Jay swallowed. She shook her head. She was furious with herself. They had been having such a lovely day, which had started so wonderfully with the time they spent with Lily frolicking around Trafalgar Square. She had taken so many photographs of Sarah holding the delightful child as they sat atop one of the lion statues. And just a few minutes ago, they had waved the three of them off, as they left excitedly for Venice. And in just a split second, the black cloud had descended again.

She had been thinking about how lucky she was to have Sarah, and her mind had travelled back to Katarina … Erica … whatever her name was. And for a brief moment, she had been back in that room. She could feel the pain and the terror of her attack. And the humiliation.

Jay felt lightheaded, and was barely aware of Sarah guiding her to the couch. She could hear Sarah's voice, murmuring lovingly to her. Sarah's soft hand on her back gentling her. She realized that she was breathing hard, and she felt panic rising through her.

Sarah touched her face lightly. All of her touches were light, and unthreatening, and unbelievably loving. "Come back to me, Jay," Sarah was whispering. "Try and slow your breathing. I know, sweetheart. I know it's hard. It's all over now," Sarah brought one of Jay's hands to her lips and kissed it softly. "Just breathe for me, my darling, nice and slow. There you go," she put a gentle hand on her neck, caressing it tenderly, "that's good. You're doing real well, Jay. Try not to think about her. Focus on the things that are good. What about Lily's smile, when you passed her up to me this morning?"

Jay nodded, trying not to gasp as she struggled for air.

"She loves you so much Jay. Her little face lights up when you come into a room. So does mine," Sarah smiled. "You came into my life, and made everything good," she rubbed comforting circles on Jay's back, trying not to react to the tremors. "Remember what the counselor told you. It may never truly go away, but you can learn to manage it. That's it," she felt Jay's breathing even out. "Do your counting. In your head, or out loud, whatever helps the most. Good girl," she kissed her hand again. "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. Let it go," she said as the tears started.

"You need to get it out. I know you're scared. You're scared that if you fall apart, you won't be able to stop. But I'm here," she held her shuddering girlfriend. "I'm here. And I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you. I love you too much," she held her tight as Jay turned into her front, her sobbing increasing in intensity.

Jay wept for a full 40 minutes, aware only of being held in loving arms. She wanted to stop. But every time she tried, a fresh wave of misery, and fear, overwhelmed her. Sarah rocked her lovingly, whispering lovingly.

When Jay was finally spent, she remained curled in Sarah's arms, scared to let her go.

"You're shaking," Sarah said eventually, her voice low and unthreatening. "We need to get you into some dry things," she touched her soaking shirt. "Think you can walk?"

"Think so," Jay said thickly, as she allowed Sarah to help her onto her feet. Her head pounded, and her limbs seemed to belong to someone else.

"Lean on me," Sarah said, as she helped her into the bathroom. She sat her on the toilet, concerned when Jay swayed alarmingly when she released her hold. She took one of Jay's hands and placed it on the basin. "Hold on here," Sarah instructed, as she sprinted to grab fresh clothes. She was back in seconds.

Sarah peeled Jay's sodden shirt from her, and wiped her down carefully with warm, soapy water, rubbing her dry with a warm towel. She pulled a dry singlet over her head. She unbuttoned Jay's jeans. "Okay, baby," she whispered, pulling Jay's hands around her neck, and helping her to half stand as she dragged her jeans to her knees. Sarah lowered her to a sitting position once more, as she pulled off the jeans.

Jay was now dry, sitting in just her singlet and boxers. She was unbelievably exhausted, and her head pounded. But a small part of her felt cleansed, as though some of the weight had been lifted.

Before she knew what was happening, she was upright, leaning heavily on Sarah as they made their way to the bed.

Sarah guided her under the covers. She reached out and stroked her brow soothingly. "I'll be right back," she promised, as she darted to the bathroom to shed her own soaked shirt and wipe herself down. Seconds later, Sarah was wearing just a long t-shirt and panties. She slid into the bed next to Jay and gathered her in her arms. "Sleep my darling," she whispered.

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It was early evening when the plane touched down in Venice. Alex held Olivia's hand as the wheels made contact with the tarmac, smiling as the look of relief washed over her as the plane drew to a halt. "We made it," Alex teased, in a low voice.

Olivia nodded, and smiled. She pointed to Lily. "We should wake her up," she said.

Lily was still half asleep as she clung to Olivia's front, as they made their way to baggage reclaim. "Sit here," Olivia nodded to an empty seat, lowering their child into Alex's arms.

It was nearly fifteen minutes later that Olivia managed to retrieve their baggage and load it onto a trolley. By that time, Lily was almost fully awake, and was sitting in Alex's arms, toying with her necklace. "Okay, peanut," Olivia took her and settled her into the stroller. "You sit here, and Mommy can push you while we go look for a taxi. It's real exciting baby. We have to get to the waterside, it's only five minutes from here, and then we'll get a taxi. But it's not like the yellow cabs in New York, or even the black ones in London. This taxi," she smiled, "is a boat, and it's going to take us all across a huge lagoon, and into Venice. Won't that be exciting?"

Alex smiled as she watched her wife involving their daughter in every aspect of their trip. She knew honeymoons were traditionally just for the couple, so that they could spend some romantic time together. But she couldn't think of anything more romantic than the way Olivia was taking care of them both, and making sure they were both happy. And there was no way Alex could enjoy being away without Lily, for more than a day or two at most. She was the focus of their lives now, and Alex wouldn't have it any other way.

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The motion of the water taxi, which took about 50 minutes to get to their destination, rocked Lily to sleep again. But as they approached the majestic city, Olivia roused the small child who was in her arms. "Look, Lily-bean," she said, softly as the beautiful sight appeared before them. "We're gonna spend the week there."

They managed to keep Lily sufficiently awake to have some dinner, but by 8pm, she was out like a light. Olivia had managed to secure a small suite in a beautiful, old-fashioned hotel right on the Grand Canal, and it was perfect for them. Lily's small room adjoined their own, which was large enough to hold a couch, chair and table.

Olivia settled Lily into her bed in the strange room, and set up the child monitor, so they could hear if she needed them at any point. She came back into their room, and saw Alex silhouetted at their window. The window was open, and Alex was watching the activity on the canal below them. Olivia stood for a few moments, just watching her. She looked marvellous, in the evening light. Her chiseled cheekbones and golden hair gave her the look of an exotic princess. "You're so beautiful," Olivia whispered.

Alex turned to Olivia, a soft smile on her face. "This is perfect," she said. "It's even better than I imagined. Just look, Liv," she pulled her to the window. "It's like … like a dream. We're gonna have such a wonderful time."

Olivia kissed her deeply, trying to suppress a moan as Alex responded enthusiastically. After a few moments, they pulled apart. Alex ran one hand across Olivia's torso, her thumb flicking teasingly against a turgid nipple. "I always dreamed of this. Making love in the most romantic city in the world," she said.

Olivia smiled. "And we will. But right now, baby, you need to sleep," it had been a long, tiring day, and she could see the lines of fatigue on Alex's face. "I do too," she said, before Alex objected.

Alex nodded reluctantly, the look of disappointment on her face almost comical.

Olivia laughed. "I'll make it up to you. I swear," she promised.

"You'd better, detective," Alex smiled. "Or I shall bring down the full force of the law on you."

"Oooh," Olivia teased. "That sounds like fun. I shall look forward to that."

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Olivia slept like the dead for almost eight hours. She awoke with a full bladder, so made her way quietly to the bathroom to pee. She peered at her watch, discovering that it was just after 4am. The dark of the night was just starting to recede. She looked out of the large window, and saw that some activity was beginning on the canal.

She suddenly had an urge for a whisky, which she knew would help to still her excitement and, she hoped, make it easier to fall back to sleep. She rootled in her bag, withdrawing the bottle of single malt that Alex had thoughtfully purchased in duty-free. She poured a small slug into a tooth mug. Very quietly, she eased the window open. She could feel a light, warm breeze on her face.

Olivia shut her eyes, feeling blissfully happy as she leaned against the waist-high railings by the window. She took a sip of the peaty whisky, and sighed contentedly. She felt a warm hand on her hip, and the nuzzle of Alex's soft face on her own. Alex slid her hand around her waist from behind, and Olivia leaned gratefully back into her embrace.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Olivia said softly.

"You didn't," Alex said. "I woke a half hour ago. I was watching you sleep for a while. And you looked so beautiful, standing at that window," she ran her other hand down Olivia's soft cheek. She took the mug from Olivia and sniffed it. "Seven months," she said, wistfully, making Olivia laugh gently. She passed it back to Olivia, who drank the last mouthful.

"Kiss me," Olivia's voice was low and lustful, "at least you can taste it then," she smiled.

Alex smiled back. Very gently, she turned Olivia in her arms. She kissed her, softly at first, but increasing in intensity. Olivia's response was immediate, and soon they were making out like teenagers on a first date. Olivia cried out with pleasure at the sensation; Alex had always displayed a particular talent for kissing, and she was not holding back.

Alex could feel her own nipples tightening as Olivia melted in her embrace.

Olivia was almost embarrassed at the speed at which she became aroused. Alex laughed lightly as she slid one hand under Olivia's t-shirt, and encountered a turgid nipple. Olivia failed to bite back a moan as Alex's fingers circled the rock-hard nub. Alex kissed her again, and moved to her olive neck, suckling tantalizing at her pulse point which, she knew, drove Olivia crazy.

"We should sleep," Olivia managed to gasp out.

"We will," Alex growled, one finger toying at the waistband of Olivia's boxers. "After."

"After?"

"Don't tell me," Alex said, "that you want me to stop now," she pushed her whole hand down the front of Olivia's boxers, grinning as she felt a sudden flood of moisture at her fingertips.

"I want you to sleep," Olivia tried to stick to her resolve, but could feel herself weakening as Alex pushed her t-shirt over her head with her free hand. "I … you should … I don't want you to get tired. And if … oh sweet Jesus, Alex," she gasped as she felt one strong finger enter her.

"I'll sleep afterwards," Alex promised, grinning as she felt Olivia melt under her touch. She pushed Olivia a couple of steps across the room. "Away from prying eyes," she explained. "I don't want some horny gondolier watching my wife," she smiled as she used the word, "my _beautiful_ wife," she pushed Olivia gently against the wall. "Only _I_," she cupped a full, heavy breast, "get to see these. And only _I_," she flicked out her tongue to tease the swollen bud, "get to do this," she blew gently across the damp flesh.

Olivia's hips bucked.

Alex grinned. "So responsive," she breathed. "And so goddamned hot."

"I'd have to be made of marble not to respond to you," Olivia's voice cracked. She was fumbling to untie Alex's silk robe.

Alex stood back, smiling at Olivia's unwitting groan of disappointment. Slowly, she untied the bow of the robe. She shrugged the silky material from her shoulders, laughing openly at Olivia's gasp of pleasure at her nakedness.

"Where's your nightshirt?" Olivia asked, irrelevantly.

Alex nodded to the floor by her side of the bed.

"When?"

"When you were sneaking a drink," Alex teased, as she took a step toward her again. Alex cupped the back of Olivia's head, and drew her into a mind-blowing kiss, that left her trembling with desire.

Olivia felt Alex press her body against her full length, and she nearly came on the spot. Alex's soft skin, and the warmth of her slender body seemed to mold so perfectly to her. Olivia took a pale pink nipple in her mouth, loving Alex's whimper of pleasure as she did so. She toyed with the taut bud, her teeth teasing the tender flesh gently but firmly. Alex grunted with pleasure, and Olivia could feel her damp center as it pressed against her thigh. "You like that, huh?" she kissed the pink nubbin, loving the feel of the pebbled flesh in her mouth. She moved to the other breast, and repeated the process.

Alex was almost undone, as she felt a sharp jolt to her center. "No," she managed to gasp, pulling back. "This," she slid a second finger into Olivia, "is just for you," Alex let her tongue tease Olivia's neck and clavicle, whimpering as she did so. She would never get enough of the taste of her lover … her wife, she remembered, with a smile. When her questing lips reached Olivia's nipple, she almost came at the sensation of the rigid flesh in her mouth.

Alex slowly made her way down Olivia's body, her kisses matching the rhythm she had set up with her fingers.

Olivia tried to push against Alex, but Alex kept pushing her back against the wall. Olivia could feel the dado rail pressing into her back, but she didn't care. All she could think about was Alex. And more specifically, Alex's tongue.

It took only two swipes of Alex's tongue at Olivia's center, and Olivia came convulsively, one hand gripping the back of Alex's head. Alex looked up, and saw Olivia's face, her eyes shut, as the aftershocks coursed through her. It was the single most erotic thing that Alex had ever seen.

They slid to the floor together, neither of them able to support their own weight. Though their limbs felt like jelly, they were still able to reach out for, and cling to, each other, caressing and kissing soft flesh.

It was a full ten minutes before Olivia was the first to speak. "Your turn," she whispered, shakily.

"I already came," Alex was almost embarrassed to admit that the sight of Olivia coming had tipped her over the edge.

Olivia grinned. She used one hand to gently part Alex's legs. "I'm betting you can manage one more," she smiled as her hand was welcomed by Alex's body.

Eight minutes later, they both came again, bucking against each other, their bodies slick with sweat.

"God, I _love_ being a lesbian," Alex smiled.

Olivia grinned her agreement, her breath still coming in short gasps.

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Olivia cranked one eye open when she heard Lily's morning call. She peered at her watch. 8.26am. Not bad, she thought. And nearly two-and-a-half hours since she and Alex had finally fallen back into bed since their night-time activities.

She shrugged on her robe, and let herself into Lily's room, closing the door carefully behind her. "Hey, baby girl," she smiled at their daughter, who greeted her with a heart-stopping smile. "Your Mommy's still asleep. How about we go out for a little while, so she can sleep a little longer?"

"Okay, Mama," Lily agreed.

"We're gonna have to be real quiet in the shower, and then we'll both get dressed in here, is that okay Lily?"

Lily agreed.

When Alex awoke at just before 11am, the room was quiet. There was a note on the side table.

_We wanted to let you sleep, so we're going to have a look around the local area. We won't go far. The nice old lady at the reception desk gave me some orange juice and croissants for you, so they're on the table. Take your time, and join us when you're ready. We love you. O&L xxx_

Alex smiled. Within fifteen minutes, she had drunk her juice, eaten a croissant and was showered and dressed. _ Where are you? _ she texted Olivia.

**Coffee shop just next to the bridge. Left as you come out of the hotel, **Olivia replied.

Alex stepped out of their room, and was just locking it from the outside when she saw the old woman who seemed to be a stalwart of the hotel.

Alex smiled at her. "_Thank you for the breakfast_," Alex said, in near-perfect Italian.

The old woman's face lit up. She loved it when tourists tried to speak her language, and this woman's Italian was accomplished.

"_You're very welcome_," she smiled, also speaking in Italian. "_Your wife thought you might be hungry._"

"_I was. I slept so late_," Alex smiled.

"_Good for the baby_," the old woman replied.

Alex looked startled. "_How did you know? Did Olivia...?_"

The old woman laughed. "_Your wife didn't say anything._"

"_Then how do you …?_"

The old woman smiled, and placed a soft hand on Alex's still flat belly. "_I always know_," she shrugged. "_I don't know how, but I always know. All will be well, this time_," she looked into Alex's eyes.

Alex started.

"_I see it in your eyes. It went wrong last time, no?_"

Alex nodded, trying not to let the tears fall.

"_This time, all will be well. Your little girl is fine_," she said with a smile.

"_Girl? You can't possibly know that_," Alex said.

The old woman just smiled. "_Go to your family_," she said.


	36. Chapter 36

Olivia felt something brush against her nose. She grunted and buried her head in the pillow.

She felt it again, reaching out to swat it grumpily. She heard her daughter's unmistakeable giggle.

"Do it again," she heard. This time, the voice was definitely Alex's.

Olivia cranked one eye open, just as Lily butted her in the nose once more with Harry the Hedgehog. She looked over, to see Alex convulsed with laughter.

Olivia sat up, and fixed her wife with a black look, which only made Alex laugh more. "Did you set our daughter on me?" Olivia asked, her tone icy. She pretended to ignore Lily.

"I may have done," Alex replied, with a grin. "But where's your evidence, Detective?"

"I have the perpetrator right here," quick as lightening, Olivia reached out and seized Lily, hauling her onto the bed and pinning her on to the mattress. "And I'm going to interrogate her," she started to tickle Lily, who was shrieking with laughter. "Until she admits it was her Mommy's idea to wake me!"

"It was Mommy! It was Mommy!" Lily squealed, as Olivia continued to tickle her.

"I rest my case," Olivia laughed, as she pulled up Lily's pajama top, and blew noisily on her belly, sending the toddler into paroxysms of mirth.

Alex brought over a mug of coffee, handing it to Olivia.

Olivia took a grateful gulp. "You're forgiven. You too, peanut," she lowered Lily back on to the floor. "Though I'm not so sure about Harry," she gave the toy the stink-eye, making Lily laugh once more. Olivia looked at Alex, and smiled. Her wife looked well-rested and happy. "So why so early?" she demanded.

"We have lots to do!" Alex told her, waving the guide book. "I have our whole morning planned. First," she smiled, "we go to Piazza San Marco, which is easy walking distance from here. We can have coffee there, or _tea_," she said ruefully. She had been avoiding caffeine since getting pregnant, and she really missed it. "Then we can think about whether we want to go up the Campanile."

"The what?"

"The Campanile. It's the huge tower," Alex held up the book, pointing to the tower. "We saw it from the boat when we came in. You can go up the top, and from there you can see all of Venice. We don't have to go up," she nodded discreetly at Lily. "Let's see how we feel when we get there."

"I wanna go!" Lily declared, clearly following more of the conversation than her mothers had thought.

"You can decide that once we get there, Lily," Olivia said as she climbed out of bed.

"And there's the Doge's Palace," Alex went on, excitedly. "Nonna says that we should..."

"Nonna? Who's Nonna?" Olivia was confused.

"Nonna! The old lady downstairs."

"Oh! You mean the old lady that knew about …?"

"Exactly!"

"When did she tell you her name was Nonna?"

"It's not really her name. It's what everyone calls her. It means grandmother in Italian. She told me this morning, when I went out to get the paper," Alex gestured to the copy of _la Repubblica_, which lay on the coffee table.

"And that's another thing! Since when did you speak Italian?"

"Since forever. Since I came here when I was 17. I thought you knew that?"

"You never told me," Olivia grumbled, pretending to be pissed. "This is no start to a marriage, keeping secrets like that," she couldn't hide her smile as she spoke, and she winked at Lily as she did. "You have a lot of making up to do, Mrs Benson. First, you wake me up at the crack of dawn, then I find out you've been keeping secrets."

"I'll make it all up to you later," Alex's voice was husky.

Olivia swallowed, as she felt her nipples harden involuntarily. She cleared her throat. "Okay, then, munchkin," she grabbed Lily round the middle. "How about you and me get showered together? Since your Mommy's already ready. And then she can tell us what else she has planned for us today."

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Carolyn looked at her watch. "I can't leave now!" she told her boss. "I don't finish for another 45 minutes."

He smiled at her. "Sure you can. A little bird told me you have a date tonight. So take a little time to yourself."

Carolyn blushed hard. "It's not really a date," she demurred.

"Tell that to my son," he smiled. "And my grandson. They're both looking forward to it."

"We're only going bowling. We're taking it very slowly," Carolyn sounded nervous. "Do you mind?"

He smiled at her. "Why should I mind? Richard's been on his own for so long now. I thought he'd never look at another woman. Being widowed, it really knocked him for six. And then he threw all his energies into raising Josh. He didn't want him to have to put up with a string of girlfriends. So you must be something special," he smiled kindly.

"Josh is the most important person in all of this," Carolyn said. "I won't forget that. Whatever happens."

"I know," her boss Clarence said. "There aren't many people that I would trust with my grandson's happiness, but you're one of them. You're one of the good guys."

"I didn't use to be," Carolyn admitted. "Before... my daughter ..."

"We all learn from our mistakes," Clarence interrupted her.

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"He's definitely your son," Abbie said darkly, as baby Daniel rooted at her breast once more. "He can't seem to get enough of my boobs."

"I can't blame him for that," Caryn smiled. She sat next to her girlfriend and their son, stroking his downy head as he latched on and suckled enthusiastically. "You do have the best boobs."

"I feel like a cow," Abbie said bluntly.

"You look like a goddess. A beautiful, fertile, sexy, goddess. And once our son and heir finally goes down for his nap, I plan to show you just how sexy I find you," she kissed her.

Abbie's eyes lit up at the sight of Caryn's nipples protruding through her thin t-shirt. She reached out and caressed one tantalisingly, grinning as Caryn whimpered with pleasure. "I look forward to that," her voice was even lower than usual.

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Lily looked up at the huge tower in the middle of Venice's main square. She looked a little overawed. She held Olivia's hand tighter. "Real big, Mama," she said.

Olivia smiled. She leant down and lifted Lily into her arms. "It is, baby girl. Maybe we'll go up it another time, huh? We are all coming back again some time, aren't we?"

"Definitely," Alex agreed. "We could spend weeks exploring here, and still not see everything."

"I wanna go up now," Lily declared, a slight wobble in her chin betraying her nerves.

"We don't have to go, Lily. I know it's a little scary, and..."

Lily shook her head. "Wanna go," she said, stubbornly.

Alex smiled lovingly at her. "Okay," she compromised. "We'll go queue for the elevator. But if you change your mind, Lily, before we get in it, or once we get to the top, we'll come right out."

"Is it safe, Mommy?"

"It's _very_ safe," Alex reassured her. "We wouldn't take you up there if it wasn't safe. You're the most precious thing to us, Lily Alexandra Benson, and we're always going to make sure we keep you safe," her own voice cracked as she caught Olivia's eye. She knew – they both knew – that they could only do so much to keep Lily away from danger. As she grew up, they would have to let go a little and let her enjoy her life. But right now, they were able to watch her all the time, and they were making the most of that control.

Once they reached the top, Olivia kept Lily in a tight hold. Lily was transfixed by the sights of the city; they could see for miles, with all the rooftops and beautiful buildings and, of course, the canals. Lily was laughing and pointing at every new thing that she saw.

They came back to ground level, with Lily still chattering away about all she had seen.

"Let's look round the church, and then," Alex consulted her guide book again, "there's a small pizzeria real near here, apparently it's used by the locals. Let's go there for lunch. Then we can do the Doge's Palace, and Vivaldi's Church, and..."

Olivia looked over at her, seeing her eyes shining with excitement. "Why don't we go back to the hotel for a couple of hours after lunch?" she suggested. "Lily will be ready for a nap by then, and I'm sure she's not the only one."

Alex was going to object, but smiled instead. This baby was so precious to them both, she would do all she could to keep it safe. And she did tire very easily, though Olivia told her that would improve dramatically in the second trimester. "Control freak," she muttered, jokingly.

The rest of the day was sublime. They ate lunch, napped, went round the huge church in the square, and visited the dramatic Doge's Palace, which included a visit to the Bridge of Sighs, where they saw the old prison. The weather remained warm, but not too hot, and they ended up staying up later than they intended. By the time they returned to the hotel that evening, it was 9.45pm, and Lily had fallen asleep in Olivia's arms.

They settled her for the night, and made their own way to bed. Despite being pleasantly tired, they made love until well after midnight, delighting in the bounty of each other's bodies. The lovemaking was tender and gentle and loving, and they both fell into a dreamless sleep.

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"But she's so tiny," Olivia said.

"It's perfectly safe, Liv," Alex insisted, half-way through the next morning. "And she'll never forgive us, if we take her to Venice and not take her for a ride on a gondola. Look at that one, he's got five people in his boat, and he has complete control. They've been doing this for years."

Olivia smiled. "I'm being over-protective, huh?"

"Just a little," Alex agreed. She touched Olivia's hand lightly. "But if you really don't want us to do it, we won't."

"No. You're right. It'll be great."

"If you're sure?"

"I'm sure," Olivia smiled.

The gondola ride was a huge success, and Olivia took dozens of photographs of Lily sitting securely on Alex's lap, her face full of wonder at all they saw.

"This is a perfect trip," Alex tried to hide a yawn as they had lunch near the hotel. "I never want it to end."

Olivia was so happy that all her plans had come to fruition. She had known that Alex wanted to visit Venice, and had hoped that she had chosen the right destination for their honeymoon. She looked over at her wife; Alex was free of make-up, her hair loosely contained under a summer hat. She wore a loose, cream shirt and old jeans, and to Olivia, she had never looked better. She was relaxed and happy, laughing easily at every opportunity. Right now, she was trying to help Lily to eat a bowl of pasta, but Lily wanted to do it for herself, with the result that they were both lightly spattered in tomato sauce.

Olivia reached out, and wiped a smudge of sauce from Alex's cheek, laughing as she did so. Alex smiled at her, a wide, loving, open smile that Olivia remembered from early in their relationship, before they had had to cope with any of their troubles. Olivia had seen that smile more and more often recently, and each time she saw it she thought she could burst with joy.

They came back to the hotel after lunch, and Olivia gave Lily a bath and changed her clothes. When they came out of the bathroom, Olivia saw that Alex had fallen asleep on the top of their bed, still in her clothes.

Olivia smiled. Very gently, she removed Alex's shoes, and undid the button on her jeans, causing Alex to murmur, but not to wake. She draped a blanket over her, and wrote a note.

_Lily and I are going out for a while. I'll have my cell on if you want to call. O. xxx p.s. You're so damned beautiful when you sleep. _

Olivia and Lily headed out of the hotel, intent upon exploring some of the side streets. Venice was so amazing that there was something new around every corner. Olivia was determined not to go too far from the hotel, as she wanted to be nearby when Alex awoke.

Alex had been asleep for nearly an hour, when a persistent buzzing dragged her from her slumbers. It took her a few moments to realize that it was a cellphone. She searched for the phone and her glasses, finding them both on the nightstand where Olivia had put them, along with the note. She answered the phone, donning her glasses and reading the note at the same time. She was smiling when she answered. "Hello?" her voice was still full of sleep. "Carolyn? It's great to hear from you. We're having a wonderful time. Carolyn? Is something wrong? You sound awful."

Twenty minutes later, Alex hung up the phone. She felt lost. Bereft. Angry. Alone. She just wanted Olivia to hold her. She was about to call her, when she remembered Lily. She didn't want Lily knowing. Not today. Not when they were having such a wonderful time. She didn't know what to do. She sat on the edge of the bed, taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself.

And then she remembered. The small church just around the corner from the hotel. It was always open when they had walked past, and it had been fairly deserted when they had visited on their first day. That could help, maybe. She could say a prayer. Maybe, in the simple, yet beautiful, little church, she would feel close to God. She could get guidance.

Resolved, Alex pulled herself together as much as she could. She remembered to leave a note, in case Olivia and Lily returned, and wondered where she was.

_I've gone out for a while. Call me if you get back first._

Her fingers felt numb as she locked the door from outside. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't see Nonna watching her as she stumbled from the hotel.

Alex sat on one of the back pews, trying to gather her thoughts. She had forgotten how cold it could be in church, and was starting to shiver in her thin, cotton shirt. She barely noticed, and she also barely noticed the tears tracking silently down her face. She had been there nearly an hour when she vaguely registered someone else sitting down on the pew. The intruder, for that is how she viewed it, moved along the bench. Alex didn't look up, but she just knew when she felt a warm hand on her own, clenched, fist that it was Nonna.

She looked over at her. Nonna smiled, warmly. She reached into the voluminous bag that she always seemed to carry, and withdrew a warm shawl, which she draped around Alex's shoulders. She then brought out an embroidered linen handkerchief, which she used to wipe the tears from Alex's face. She pressed the handkerchief into Alex's clenched hand.

"_Thank you_," Alex spoke very quietly in Italian.

"_Some times, we all need help_," Nonna replied quietly in her own language.

She sat quietly with Alex for the next half hour. She didn't speak, just occasionally stroked her arm, or gentled her back.

Alex was grateful for the woman's warm, comforting presence. She didn't understand how she was so comforted by the proximity of a near stranger, but somehow she was. She shut her eyes, and tried to pray. Every time she tried to concentrate, her mind was overtaken by the various unkindness and unjustness that had featured so heavily in her shattered relationship.

"_My mother died_," Alex spoke finally.

Nonna nodded.

"_Yesterday_." She looked at Nonna. "_She didn't approve of me. Of my family. She never accepted us._"

"_Maybe now it's time for you to accept her_," Nonna said very quietly. "_Accept her for who she was. And rejoice in the family you have now._"

Alex nodded. "_Why are you being so kind to me?_"

"_Some times we all need help_," Nonna repeated. "_Today, you need help. Tomorrow, you will help somebody else. It is the way of the world._"

"_Do you have someone, for when you need help?_"

"_I am surrounded,_" Nonna spread her hands expressively, gesturing to the church. "_And I have my son. And his boyfriend. I am one of the lucky ones._"

Alex swallowed, barely able to control her emotions. "_I should go._"

"_Your wife and your daughter are at the café. I told them you would be with them soon._"

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Olivia looked up anxiously as Alex approached their table at the café. Alex was white and had clearly been crying. She was holding the hand of the old lady who had spoken to her so kindly just an hour ago, in her broken English.

Olivia smiled at Alex, trying to convey all of her love, without worrying Lily who was drawing pictures on a pile of postcards.

Alex gave a small smile back, shaking her head minutely, and gesturing at Lily. "Later," she mouthed.

Olivia nodded, understanding.

"I will take your daughter to show her the view from the bridge," Nonna suggested to Alex. "Just for ten minutes."

Alex nodded gratefully.

Lily was sometimes shy with strangers, but when Olivia explained to her that Nonna was taking her on the bridge, her face lit up. She loved the bridge, and the view that it afforded of the Grand Canal. She put her hand trustingly in Nonna's, and Alex's eyes filled with tears as she saw the pair strolling off. Lily was chatting animatedly to Nonna, who seemed to understand every word, despite knowing very little English. And Lily seemed to be responding to Nonna too.

Olivia was wretched, seeing the look on Alex's face. She guided her to a seat, and took both of her hands. She didn't speak.

"My mother died," Alex said, after a moment. "Carolyn called. She died last night."

Olivia squeezed her fingers. "When's the funeral?" she asked, after a moment.

"In two days. She left clear instructions, cremation as fast as it could be arranged. She had a horror of her body sitting in a drawer somewhere."

"I'll get us flights," Olivia said, peering anxiously at Alex's drawn face.

Alex shook her head. "She left very specific instructions. She doesn't want me there," her breathing hitched as she tried to control herself.

"But shouldn't we...?"

"No!" Alex was firm, fire in her eyes. "She doesn't want me there. Didn't want me there," she amended her tenses. "She doesn't approve of my family. Liv," Alex looked deep into her eyes. "Nothing matters to me more than you and Lily. And this one," she touched her stomach. "Nothing. I won't be allowed in anyway. Let's not ruin this. This vacation," she gestured, expressively, and looked at her daughter, holding their new friend's hand as she looked from the bridge down the canal. "This is perfect. This is who I am now. I don't want us to fly back. Carolyn and Graham, they're arranging everything. He's flying to be with Carolyn, so's Carla. I don't want to go home, Liv. I _am_ home. Here, with you."

Alex was exhausted by her long speech.

"Whatever you want, Alexandra," Olivia spoke quietly.

"Carolyn and Graham aren't going to the funeral. They both say, that if I'm not welcome... if we're not welcome, they don't want to be there. It was _her_ choice, Liv," she tried not to sound too bitter. "I refuse to be held back by that."

Olivia nodded. "You will let me help you through this?"

"I will. I swear. Look, our baby girl's coming back," Alex nodded to the still smiling Lily, who was making Nonna laugh with something she was saying. "It's nearly dinner time. Let's go back to the hotel and get ready for dinner. Then we'll go have a nice evening with our daughter."

"If that's what you want, Lex."

"More than anything," Alex spoke sincerely.

"Then that's what we'll do," Olivia said.

Lily came running over to the table. "Big boats, Mama," she told Olivia, who laughed gently, and smiled her gratitude at the old lady.

Lily went over to Alex and climbed into her lap. She snuggled into Alex, whose heart filled with the feel of the solid, warm little body in her arms. "I'm sorry you're sad, Mommy," Lily said quietly.

"I'm not sad any more," Alex said, hugging her close. "Not now I have you."

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They returned from their dinner before 9pm. Alex insisted that she wanted to settle Lily, and she was just doing so when there was a tap on their door. Olivia went to answer it, and saw Nonna standing there.

"Come in," Olivia said, with a smile.

Nonna shook her head. She held out a bag of what looked like herbs. "Tea," she said, in her broken English. "For wife. After get sick. Make better."

"Alex's isn't sick," Olivia said, confused.

Nonna gestured to her stomach. "Baby sick. Night bad. Take."

Olivia took the package from her. "Thank you," she said. She hoped that Nonna was wrong, knowing that Alex had had to cope with enough in one day. She decided she wouldn't tell Alex about the visit, at least not until the next day.

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At 3.40am, the morning sickness struck, viciously with no warning. Alex bolted out of bed, but her stomach was already heaving before she made it to the toilet. She tried to contain the acid stream in her hands, as she collapsed desperately on the floor.

In seconds, Olivia was at her side, supporting her convulsing body as wave after wave of nausea assaulted her cruelly.

For over an hour, Alex retched and heaved painfully, as her body reacted to the stress of the day. Olivia cleaned her hands with a warm washcloth, and peeled the vomit-stained nightshirt from her, but still the nausea continued.

"I think maybe we should call a doctor," Olivia said, as Alex leant tearfully back against the wall, after about 40 minutes of misery.

"No," Alex was trying to breathe calmly. "No. Just you. I just want you."

Olivia wiped her face. "We'll give it a half hour," she said, firmly.

"'kay," Alex nodded weakly. She turned a distinct shade of green as she doubled over the porcelain once more.

Finally, the heaving stopped. Olivia wiped her down, and pulled one of her own warm sweatshirts over her head. She gathered Alex carefully in her arms, and carried her back to bed.

Alex's face was a mask of misery, as she rested her pounding head on the pillow.

Olivia remembered the visit from the old woman. Praying she was doing the right thing, she boiled the kettle and spooned some of the herbs into the mug, topping it up with hot water. She took a sip herself, checking that it seemed okay.

She carried the mug over to the bed. "Alexandra?" she whispered.

Alex moaned.

"Nonna gave me some herbs, to make tea. She said it would help with morning sickness. Do you want to try it?"

Alex her eyes, blinking against the light. Olivia flicked the switch, so that they were in near darkness again. "Sorry, baby," she said.

Alex tried to sit up; Olivia sat next to her, and propped her up against her own shoulder. "You want to try?"

Alex nodded, weakly.

Olivia held the mug to her lips, as Alex sipped cautiously at first, and then more enthusiastically. In under ten minutes, she had drained the mug.

"How do you feel, baby?" Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Better," Alex said, her eyes already closing.

Olivia guided her to lie flat, smiling as Alex rested her pounding head on her thigh. She ran her fingers lovingly across her brow. Within minutes, Alex was asleep.

Olivia wanted to curse Alex's mother. She had tried to upset her during her life, and even in death was still affecting her. Olivia swore to herself that she would never cause such trauma to Lily, or to the new baby. The new baby girl, she mused. That was what Nonna had said. She placed a soft hand on Alex's belly. "We're gonna take such good care of you," she promised the unborn child. "We won't let anyone hurt you."


	37. Chapter 37

The following day, Alex was surprised to feel relatively calm and composed when she awoke. She looked up, to see Olivia and Lily, sitting at the small table. They were both silent, with Olivia reading a book as Lily quietly drew pictures.

Olivia looked over, and saw that Alex was awake. "Hey, sweetheart," she approached the bed, and kissed Alex softly. "How do you feel?"

"I'm okay," Alex said. "It's true. I feel so much better. What are you two doing?" she saw Lily looking at her anxiously.

"Lily insisted that we stay here," Olivia sounded apologetic. "She didn't want to leave you alone."

"Is that right, peanut?" Alex sat up and smiled at her daughter.

Lily nodded. "Mama said I have to be real quiet," she whispered.

Alex laughed. "You don't have to be quiet any longer. I'm awake."

"Are you sick, Mommy?"

"Not any more, baby girl. I'm all better. And you know what would make me feel real good? A big hug from my favorite girl," she put out her arms, and was thrilled when Lily came over and climbed into bed with her, and snuggled into her arms.

"Mama said you had a bad tummy," Lily said.

"She was right. But it's all better now. It's nothing to worry about, Lily. I really am fine now."

"You were sad, too," Lily said accusingly. "Do you have to go see your happy doctor?"

Alex held her tight. "No, sweetheart. I just had some bad news yesterday."

"What Mommy?"

Alex looked over at Olivia, and Olivia nodded supportively.

"It's a long story, Lily-bean. Someone I used to know died. But I hadn't seen her for ages, and to be honest, she didn't really like me very much."

"But it made you sad?" Lily was confused.

"I think I'm more sad that we're never going to be friends again now. But I don't think we were going to be anyway. So," she kissed her on the top of her head, "it's all over now."

"Why didn't she like you?" Lily was curious.

"She didn't like that I love your Mama. She was one of those people we talked about before, who think Mama and I shouldn't be together."

"Like that mean man," Lily said.

"Just like that. And do you remember what we said about people who think like that?"

Lily grinned. "They are silly!" she said. She loved it when she remembered something her Mommy had told her, her Mommy always looked so proud when she got it right.

"That's right. And this person was silly. She lost out a lot, Lily. We should feel sorry for her."

"Okay Mommy. Mommy, I drew you a picture," Lily slid off the bed and toddled to the table, where she picked up her picture. "It shows you and me and Mama in the goddoly."

"I think she means gondola," Olivia had to force herself not to laugh.

"This is beautiful Lily. I mean it. You are very talented. So, munchkin, are you ready to have some fun today?"

Lily nodded, enthusiastically.

"How would you like to go to an island for lunch?" Alex looked at Olivia, who smiled her agreement. "I thought we could go to Murano, which is real near here. It's got lots of colored glass there; ornaments, windows, all sorts of things. Shall we go?"

Lily clapped her hands with excitement.

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"Is your tummy all better now?" Lily asked, as Alex ordered a chicken salad and an apple juice at lunch.

"It is, Lily. I feel great now. Your Mama took such good care of me."

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"What time is the funeral tomorrow?" Olivia asked, as she toyed idly with a strand of Alex's hair when they were in bed that night.

"Carolyn said 10am," Alex said.

"4pm our time, then," Olivia mused.

Alex nodded. "I don't know who will be there. I told Carolyn that she should go, but she's flat-out refusing. She told me," she inhaled sharply, "that she had gotten her life back thanks to us, and that there was no way she was ever going to pretend we don't exist. And Graham wouldn't dare go, Carla would have his balls for earrings! She really went for her last time they visited."

"I love Carla," Olivia smiled.

"Me too. She's been great for Graham. I spoke to Sarah this afternoon," Alex said.

"Did you? How are they? They're going home tomorrow, right?"

"Sarah said they're loving it." Alex took a deep breath. "Jay had a meltdown the other day. The day we left. Bad flashback, I think. But Sarah says she's okay now."

"It may have helped," Olivia said, softly. "She's been so strong. Probably too strong. It's hard though, isn't it? Talking when things are bad."

Alex nodded. "I swear, that'll never happen again," she sounded miserable.

"Oh Alexandra, I didn't mean that. We've moved on from that. I know how hard you're trying to be open now. I've got to do it too, I know. I'm not always the best at sharing, when things are tough. But," she kissed her softly, "I know I can talk to you about anything."

"And I won't fall apart if you do," Alex reminded her. "But I _might_ fall apart if you don't," she smiled.

"Right back atcha, Benson," Olivia smiled. "Do you want to talk about your mom?" she asked.

"No. I just don't think there's much to say. You met her. She knew about Lily, and she didn't even want to meet her. So screw her," Alex was bitter. "I won't let her fuck up our lives any more. She did enough damage when she was alive. She was vicious to my father. My poor, sweet, gentle father."

"I wish I had met him," Olivia said.

"I wish you had too. He would have loved you. He made me promise that I would never compromise on love. He would have been real happy to meet you. And Lily."

"And our next little girl," Olivia smiled, as she caressed Alex's belly. "Do you think she will be a girl? Do you think Nonna really knows?"

Alex smiled. "Nonna is a mystery. But it almost feels like …" she tailed off.

"Like what?" Olivia prompted.

"It sounds so dumb," Alex protested.

"Tell me Counselor," Olivia teased.

"It's almost like … she was meant to be here. Just at the right moment. She's been so kind, Liv, and she doesn't even know us."

"I know," Olivia said. "We should write to thank her. When we get back. _You'll_ have to write the letter, of course," she smiled.

"Hey, your Italian's not bad," Alex said.

"It's more Spanish than Italian," Olivia admitted. "But I get there in the end," she laughed.

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"Our last night," Sarah said, as she approached Jay from behind, and put her arms around her waist, nuzzling into her soft neck.

"It's been wonderful," Jay leant back into her embrace. "Thank you so much. It was such a wonderful surprise. And it's such a beautiful city, I feel we've hardly scratched the surface of it. I know," she laughed. "It didn't help that I kept wanting to go back to the National Gallery. I could spend days in there."

"You _did_ spend days in there," Sarah teased, knowing she was grossly exaggerating.

Jay reached for her hand, and brought it to her lips and kissed it. "That's because I like beautiful things," she replied, softly.

"Smooth talker," Sarah's breathing hitched.

"Dinner? That nice Italian you like?" Jay looked at her watch; almost 8pm.

Sarah nodded.

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"I'm so sorry," Caryn looked nervous as she arrived home that evening. She had wanted to get home much earlier, but it had been one of those truly days at the office. And Abbie was bound to be pissed, and when Abbie was pissed, there was no knowing what would happen.

So she was surprised when a calm Abbie looked up from feeding Daniel and smiled. "You're just in time to say goodnight to your son," she said. She looked calm and happy; clearly, today had been a good day.

Caryn breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll put him to bed," she offered.

"No need," Abbie said. "You look shattered, CW. I'll do it."

Caryn sat next to them on the couch. She kissed Abbie tenderly, and ran her hand lovingly over Daniel's soft head. "Hey, baby boy," she whispered at the half-asleep child. "You know you've got the best seat in the house, don't you?" she teased.

"No boob jokes," Abbie commanded. "You'll corrupt him."

"He's just had 13 uninterrupted hours with you," Caryn tried to stifle a yawn. "I think he's likely already completely corrupted."

Abbie grinned. "I've stopped saying it!" she announced proudly. "I'm saying 'fudge' instead. _Most_ of the time," she admitted.

Caryn smiled. "It's progress," she teased.

"You're dead on your feet," Abbie eyed her carefully. "Your dinner's in the oven. Go, eat. I'll run the tub. You need to relax, Caryn."

Caryn nodded, turning away to hide her anguish.

"Bad day?" Abbie guessed.

"Awful case," Caryn turned back to her family, and absent-mindedly took little Daniel's tiny foot in her hand.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Caryn shook her head. "No," she said. "I want to try and forget it. Tonight at least."

"Eat. The bath will be ready when you're done."

Caryn looked anxious. "I'm not sure I could keep it down," she admitted at last.

"The case that bad?"

"Worse. It was a baby, Abs. Four days older than...," a fat tear rolled down her face.

Abbie paled. Ever since Daniel's birth, she had found herself tearing up for the slightest reason. She put everything in the context of 'what if it were Daniel'. So she understood why Caryn was so pale and shaken.

Daniel unlatched, already nearly asleep. Abbie passed him to Caryn. "You burp him," she said gently. "And then we'll put him down together. After you've had a long cuddle with him," she saw Caryn's face soften at the prospect. "Then we're gonna take that bath, together. And I," she gently massaged Caryn's neck, "am going to see if I can loosen you up a little. You may want to try a little dinner after that, but no biggie if you don't."

Caryn nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

"Nobody expects you to be superwoman, CW," Abbie said softly. "You're human. Contrary to the rumors," she hoped to get at least a smile from Caryn with that remark, but her lover was too far entrenched in her misery.

An hour-and-a-half later, Caryn allowed Abbie to lead her to bed. She snuggled into her, relishing her soft skin and still damp hair. "I'm sorry about dinner," she said.

"Don't be. My cooking's awful," Abbie smiled. "You chose a good night to lose your appetite. I'll get some take out tomorrow."

"I love you," Caryn whispered.

"Of course you do. What's not to love?" Abbie teased.

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"And then," Jay smiled. "I sold the unicorn to Julia Roberts."

"That's nice," Sarah said, stroking the back of Jay's hand. She looked up sharply. "Whassat?"

Jay threw her head back and let out a full-throated laugh. "I knew you weren't listening to me," she said.

Sarah laughed. "I'm sorry. You're right," she continued to stroke her girlfriend's soft skin. "I wasn't paying attention. You have such great hands," she said.

"Hands?"

"They should be calloused. In your job. But they're so soft. I love your hands. There's something about your hands."

"How many beers have you had?" Jay teased.

Sarah looked directly at her, her gaze unflinching. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's just," she turned Jay's hand over, and held it in her own. "I can't stop thinking about your hands. All over me," her voice hitched. "_In_ me," she blushed. "Your strong fingers. I've been thinking about making love to you all day. About you making love to me."

"Well what are we waiting for?" Jay felt a sudden jolt at her center. She waved at the waiter.

"I thought you wanted to look at the dessert menu," Sarah said.

"I've chosen my dessert," Jay smiled. "And she is by the far the most delicious thing in here."

They made love for hours, their bodies intertwined, gasping, rocking and bucking against each other. Finally, at 3am, Jay dragged Sarah into the shower, making her come once more as she soaped her down tenderly. As they stumbled, laughing, back into the bedroom, their hands still all over each other, Sarah spoke. "Get dressed," she commanded.

Jay just stared at her. "Sarah, sweetheart, it's nearly 4am."

"I wanna go to Trafalgar Square. Just one more time."

"But we need to sleep."

"We can sleep on the plane. Please, Jay. It'll be quiet now. I want to see you, one more time, at Trafalgar Square. In front of the National Gallery, that you love so much. Maybe we can climb the lions one last time?"

"Are you insane?" Jay wanted to know.

"Probably," Sarah admitted, as she started to rifle through the closet. She threw a t-shirt at Jay. "Please?" she pleaded. "For me?"

Jay laughed. "For you? Anything. Well, almost anything. I'm still not letting you put that ugly-ass rug in our hallway."

"I'll throw it out when we get back," Sarah promised. "As long as you come with me now."

Ten minutes later, their hair still damp from the shower, Jay and Sarah made their way to Trafalgar Square, which was only five minutes' walk from their hotel. They strolled through the streets, hand in hand, as the dawn started to break. There was one drunk man sleeping it off on one of the benches, and a couple of office workers already making their way across the city. But mostly, it was deserted.

Sarah led Jay to the steps of the National Gallery, where they both sat. Jay yawned, and leant into Sarah. "You should start painting again," Sarah said, softly.

"How did you know I used to paint?" Jay was startled. "I never told you."

"Your Pop told me," Sarah admitted. "It's not his fault. He didn't mean to. I was just talking about your photographs, and said how surprised I was that you didn't paint. He told me not to tell you I knew. It's because of her, isn't it? She's why you gave up?"

"She told me I was talentless," Jay swallowed, her anger rising again. "She pretended she was being kind. It was early on, in our relationship. And I believed her. So I stopped. Taking photos... it's safer, in a way. After she told me, I looked at all my stuff, and I could see why she said what she did. I hate her Sarah. But on that one thing, I think maybe she was right."

"She wasn't," Sarah said. "Your dad, he kept a lot of stuff. I begged him to let me see it. Mom agrees. She says you have real talent."

"You showed your Mom?" Jay bristled. "Sarah, I stopped for a reason. I..."

"I know. I was intruding. I shouldn't have done it. I should say I'm sorry, but Jay, if I'm honest, I'm not. Some of your stuff, it was so good, it made me want to cry."

"You're really serious?" Jay was shocked.

Sarah nodded, a tear rolling down her cheek.

Jay reached out, and wiped it away with her thumb. "Hey, baby, don't cry. It's no big deal. I don't mind you seeing it. I was going to tell you one day anyway. I don't want to hide anything from you. I just felt... it seemed a little childish. Childhood ambitions. Like wanting to be an astronaut. Drive a train. That sort of thing."

"It's so much more than that," Sarah said. "You have no idea how talented you are."

"That's what Pop used to say. But it's his job, isn't it? He _has_ to tell me I'm talented!"

"Did he tell you you could be an astronaut too?" Sarah teased.

"No he damned well didn't. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that when we get back," Jay laughed. "Hey, Sarah, it's alright. It's not like it was a secret or anything."

"There was one picture," Sarah hesitated. "It was a charcoal drawing. It was a street kid, and he was..."

"Going through the trash," Jay remembered. "He broke my heart. He can't have been more than eight."

"I want to hang that one in our apartment. Can I do that?" Sarah asked. "Joe said I could have it, if you agreed."

"If you want to," Jay said.

"I'm getting it framed as soon as we get back," Sarah said. "Jay?" she asked. "Do you... do you think you'll ever draw and paint again?"

Jay nodded slowly. "If you really it's worth pursuing. I did use to enjoy it. It's relaxing."

"Will you ever draw me?"

"I don't think I could do you justice," Jay said.

"Will you try?"

"If you want me to."

"I do," Sarah said. "I want to see me how you see me."

"Okay then. I promise." Jay reached over, and cupped Sarah's face, and kissed her slowly and deeply.

Sarah melted into the kiss, laughing when they eventually pulled apart. "The sun's coming up," she looked up.

"It's a new day," Jay said, softly.

"I want it to be perfect," Sarah said.

"And just how are you going to manage that?" Jay smiled as Sarah got up from the step. She started to rise herself, but Sarah pressed her back down.

Sarah moved two steps down from Jay. "Like this," she dropped to one knee, fumbling in her pocket. "Jane Kazinsky. I love you more than I ever knew would be possible. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You make me think about things I never thought about. You make me a better person. I am never happier than when I am with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Would you do me the very great honor of becoming my wife?" she pulled out a small velvet box.

Tears were streaming down Jay's face. "Yes!" she cried. "Yes, yes, yes. Oh Sarah. I love you so much," she kissed her passionately.

Sarah didn't even notice her own tears. She was only aware of the deep joy that she felt. She opened the ring box. "I know you don't really like jewelry. And you can't wear a big ring at work anyway. So I found this," she pulled out a plain, platinum ring. "It's inscribed, on the inside."

In shaking hands, Jay took the ring, and looked closely at the inscription. It was just a J and an S, intertwined together.

"You don't have to wear it," Sarah said. "I won't be offended if you don't want to."

"Put it on me," Jay held her hand out. "I'll never take it off."


	38. Chapter 38

Olivia and Alex took little Lily around the Jewish Ghetto area of Venice, where Alex impressed Olivia by quoting huge swathes of Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice.

"Listening to you, it's like going on vacation with my Mom," Olivia teased.

Alex looked stricken. "Oh Liv, I'm so sorry, I forgot your Mom was a professor of literature. I wasn't trying to make you remember about her."

Olivia smiled at her, and took her hand, tucking it into her own pocket. "It wasn't all bad," she said softly. "There was some days that were good. And on those days, she would tell me all about books, and recite poetry and stuff to me. Those days were good. And that's what you reminded me of."

Alex looked relieved. "I love the language in Merchant," she said. "It's a horribly racist play in places, but then, some of the words, they're just exquisite."

"The quality of mercy?" Olivia prompted.

Alex smiled. "It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven," she said. "That line always makes me think of you. You're my gift from heaven," she blinked away a tear, and then laughed at herself. "I know, I'm a cornball."

"You're allowed to be," Olivia tried to keep her voice from cracking. "If you can't be a cornball on your honeymoon, when can you?"

By the time they got back to the hotel at 3.40pm, Lily was sleeping soundly in her stroller.

"It's a little late for her nap," Olivia said.

"It's good it's late," Alex reminded her. "We're going home in three days, so we should start keeping her up later anyway, so it's easier for her to adapt to the time change. Let's put her down for a while, and then we can have dinner a little later tonight."

"Good idea," Olivia agreed. "I'll take her through."

"I'd like to do it," Alex said. "Is that okay?"

"She's not too heavy for you?"

Alex smiled. "She's fine. _I'm_ fine," she promised.

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"She go down okay?" Olivia asked when Alex came out of Lily's room a short while later.

"Sleeping like an angel," Alex said. She looked over at Olivia, and smiled. Her lover … her _wife_, she had to keep reminding herself, was looking particularly beautiful. The honeymoon, despite Alex's bad news a couple of days before, had been good for all of them. They had been able, mostly, to relax and forget all about the stresses and strains of everyday life. And Olivia saw more of the seedy side of life than anyone should, and she took each and every case personally. Alex simultaneously loved and hated that about her; the way she put herself on the line every day, not just physically, but also emotionally. And it took a toll. It had to.

From now on, Alex decided, she would make sure that they took more vacations. Olivia needed this, even more than she did. And they owed it to Lily to be as happy and rounded as they could be as people. She would take care of Olivia, she wouldn't let her burn herself out.

"What?" Olivia said, smiling at Alex who was gazing at her even more intently than usual.

"Nothing," Alex shook her head.

"Bullshit."

Alex smiled. "I was just thinking how much I love you," she admitted. "And how much you needed this vacation. You are just stunning, Liv. Look at you," Alex laughed. "I don't think there has ever been a more beautiful woman in this world."

Olivia shook her head. "There's a more beautiful woman just in this room," she said, sincerely.

Alex heard her cellphone ringing, and rooted in her purse. "Hello?" she answered, without looking at the screen.

"Ali-Baba!" Alex heard the unmistakeable tones of her brother Graham.

"Hey, Gray," Alex smiled.

"Is this a good time?" Graham wanted to know.

"It's a great time. Lily's just gone down for a sleep."

"Uh oh. That means that there's a very high probability that, just three seconds ago, you were doing something unspeakable with your tongue to the delicious Detective Benson!" Graham teased.

"Graham Cabot!" Alex squealed in horror.

"Relax, sis, I was only kidding," Alex could hear the smile in Graham's voice.

"So how are you doing, Alex?" Graham asked, more softly.

"We're having a wonderful time," Alex told him. "You have to bring Carla here. How are you Gray? Are you going?" she looked at her watch.

"To the funeral? No. We just came from the funeral home; we said our goodbyes there. We're not going to the services."

"_We?_"

"Me, Carla and Carolyn."

"Are you okay?" Alex asked, softly.

"We're fine. All of us, aren't we?" Graham turned to his wife and sister. "We're just thinking about you, and we wanted to say hi. We love you, Ali-Baba, and that wonderful family of yours. We've been sitting here, remembering some of the things about Mom … some good, some bad. Some real bad. And we wanted you to know that you're in our thoughts. And that we love you."

Alex nodded, forgetting that Graham couldn't see her down the line. "Love you too, big brother," she tried to keep her voice even.

"We'll see you when you get back, Saturday morning, right?"

"Afternoon," Alex said. "Will you still be there?"

"Yes, C and I aren't flying home until Sunday. We have some other news for you, but that can wait."

"Don't tell me Carla's pregnant again?"

Graham laughed. "God, I hope not. Five kids is enough for anyone. No, it's something else. I hope you'll like it," he said, cryptically. "Look, before I give the game away, Carolyn wants to talk to you. Send my love to that sexy cop of yours, huh? And to the Bean when she wakes up?"

Carolyn took the phone from Graham. "Hi Lexie," she said. "Are you having a lovely time?"

"It's perfect," Alex told her. "I've been thinking of you all today. Are you okay, Caro? I know you were real close to Mom."

"I'm fine. Truly."

"I feel so bad that I'm keeping you from the services."

"You aren't," Carolyn said firmly. "_She_ is. I told her, Lexie, all about your family. About Olivia. She would die to save you, and die happy knowing she had saved you. And that's rare. So rare. I've never had a love like that. I've never _felt_ love like that. You have a wonderful family, and a wonderful wife. I tried to explain all that to Mom, I told her all about the good things Olivia does. I told her about Lily. And she didn't want to know. Or she said she didn't. She did keep those pictures of Lily. But it wasn't good enough for her. And if she doesn't want her family at her funeral, it's her decision. She asked me … she _told_ me to drop all contact with you."

"I know. And I'm so sorry, Caro. I didn't want you two to fall out."

"You saved me," Carolyn said bluntly. "You and Olivia. Without you, I don't think I'd still be here. I really don't. I certainly wouldn't have any relationship with my daughter. So screw her. My family is more important than she is."

"But she's your family."

"Not any more; not since she decided to cut you out. It's okay, Lexie. It really is. I'm sorry she suffered. I don't want anyone to suffer. But … Brian … the attack … everything. It's made me more selfish. And from now on, I'm focusing on the things in my life that are good. The things that matter. And that's my daughter, and it's you, and Liv, and Lily and Jay."

"What about me?" Graham yelled in the background, loud enough for Alex to hear.

Olivia was watching Alex closely. She went up behind her, and hugged her closely, her arms wrapping around her middle, her hands resting on her belly. She pressed her face into Alex's soft neck, inhaling at the scent that was unmistakably Alex. Alex placed one hand on Olivia's hand, stroking it unwittingly with her thumb.

"When are Sarah and Jay back?" Alex changed the subject, smiling as she felt Olivia wipe a tear from her cheek.

"I'm picking them up early this evening. I've really missed them. Both of them." Carolyn let out a small laugh. "Wow. If you had told me three years ago that I would be looking forward to spending time with my daughter's lesbian lover, I would have thought you were mad."

"Lesbians not so scary after all then?" Alex teased gently.

Carolyn laughed again. "It would seem not. Turns out some of my best friends are lesbians."

"Love you, Caro," Alex said.

"Love you too, little sister."

"Send our love to the girls. And Caro … take care of yourself, huh?"

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Alex smiled as she hung up the phone.

"Everyone okay?" Olivia asked quietly.

"Everyone's great."

"And you?"

"I'm great. Thanks to you."

Olivia held her close from behind, and dropped a gentle kiss on her neck.

Alex turned in her embrace so that she could face her. She smiled. Olivia was wearing no make-up, apart from lip gloss, and she still looked flawless. Her always golden skin was lightly tanned, and her features were more relaxed than Alex had seen in a while. She felt a stirring in her. She reached up and touched Olivia's face softly. She looked so much younger than her 37 years. "Graham said he thought I would be doing something unspeakable to you with my tongue," Alex's voice held a tinge of humor, laced with lust.

"Is that right?"

Alex flicked open a button on Olivia's white cotton shirt. "That's what he said." She reached for the next button, but Olivia caught her hand in her own.

"Seen something you like, Counselor?" Olivia teased, noting Alex's obvious gaze.

"Uh huh. As a matter of fact," Alex reached out with her other hand, deftly flicking open the next two buttons, "I can see two things I like. Two things I like very much," another button popped open.

"Any things in particular?"

"Just about my favorite things in the world," Alex released the last button, and grinned openly as she pulled Olivia's shirt to one side. She kissed Olivia hard on the mouth, delighting in her wife's moan of pleasure. They made out for several minutes, and when they finally broke apart, they were both breathing hard.

Olivia grinned at the look on Alex's face. Her beautiful blue eyes had darkened with lust, and her lips were slightly open as she ogled Olivia's bra-clad breasts.

Alex kissed her on the neck, allowing one hand to travel up and cup her left breast. Olivia's groan as her thumb flicked across the nipple sent an involuntary jolt to Alex's center. Alex slid one hand inside her bra, unable to hold back her own gasp of pleasure as Olivia's nipple sprang to attention.

"Lex," Olivia bit out. "That's … oh sweet Lord. Alexandra. Oh baby."

Alex reached under Olivia's silky bra strap and pulled it down her arm, releasing one full breast. She smiled at the sight. Olivia's breasts were so full, so bountiful. And her dark nipples sent Alex wild. Alex felt a flood of moisture at her core. Very softly, she ghosted a finger over the naked, erect flesh, grinning at Olivia's sharp intake of breath. "Looking good, detective," Alex teased.

Olivia gently cupped the back of Alex's head, pulling her toward her. "Please?" she begged.

Alex knew exactly what she meant. She allowed Olivia to guide her head to the straining breast, and flicked out her tongue to tease the nipple. Olivia let out an almost feral cry at the contact.

Alex smiled, as her tongue darted out once more. This time, she captured the stiff bud, and drew it into her mouth, suckling sharply.

"Oh sweet Lord," Olivia was lost. She could only focus on the delicious sensations caused by Alex's mouth. Her breathing quickened as she surrendered to her wife's ministrations.

For her part, Alex knew that neither of them would last long. Olivia had always had extremely sensitive breasts and, more than once, had climaxed before Alex had touched her anywhere else. The sensation of Olivia's delicious flesh in her mouth was driving her wild. She reached out to pull Olivia's hand to her own breast, when she heard it. "Mama!"

Alex pulled back as though she had been burned. They both heard it again. "Mama! Mommy!"

Alex looked up, to see tears of laughter in Olivia's eyes. She started to laugh herself.

"Mommy!" the voice was getting louder.

Very reluctantly, Alex guided Olivia's breast back into her bra cup, and set the strap back in place. She kissed the nipple through the material. "I'll see you later," she promised.

Olivia was still doing up her shirt when Lily's door opened. Alex had almost reached her room, so was there as Lily emerged. She leant down and smiled at their daughter. "Hey peanut," she said. "You woke up, huh?"

"Wanna go tinkle," Lily said.

Alex smiled. She put out her hand. "C'mon then, baby, let's go," and she guided her to the bathroom.

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"Ma!" Gracie, Melinda Warner's daughter yelled, as she let herself in to the apartment that night.

"Hey sweetheart. Why aren't you in bed?"

"Mom said I could stay up to say goodnight to you," the 11-year-old replied. "Where have you been Ma? It's 9.30pm."

"9.40pm," Rosie, Melinda's pregnant wife appeared.

"I'm sorry. It was a long day. I've been at work. I missed you. I missed all of you. Is Katie asleep?" she wanted to know about their four-year-old.

"She's sleeping like a baby. Like _you_ should be," Rosie peered into her wife's eyes, seeing tension and exhaustion. "Did you eat?"

Melinda looked at her, as though she didn't understand the question.

"Dinner," Rosie said. "Did you eat dinner?"

"I ate something. Fin brought me a tuna sandwich," Melinda was remembering. She pinched the bridge of her nose; her headache wasn't showing any signs of receding, depite the two doses of Advil she had had.

"You told me that Fin came over at lunch. Did you have anything after that?"

Melinda just blinked.

"That's it. Couch. Now. You have to eat. I'll bring you a plate. Gracie," she rested her hand on their daughter's head. "Give your Ma a big hug. It's time for your bed."

"'kay, Mom," Gracie knew not to argue. She could see that her Ma was barely holding it together, so she wouldn't make any trouble. She hugged Rosie. "'night, Mom," she said. She went over to Melinda, and hugged her tight. "'night, Ma. I love you."

"Love you too, Trouble," Melinda managed a small smile.

By the time Rosie brought a plate of dinner to Melinda, the ME was snoring lightly.

Rosie put the plate on the small table by the couch, and sat next to Melinda. She touched her cheek. "Lindy?"

Melinda blinked. She was at home. She sighed in relief. She had been working non-stop since 2am and now, nearly 21 hours later, she was so exhausted she could barely focus.

"Eat," Rosie said softly. "And then we're going to bed."

Melinda looked panicked.

Rosie laughed. "To _sleep_," she said.

The look of relief on Melinda's face was palpable. She laughed lightly. "I'm sorry, Rosie. It's not that I don't want to," she ran her hand over her wife's seven-and-a-half month bump. "I mean, you are looking _incredibly_ hot."

Rosie smiled. "I'm sorry. I know my hormones have been crazy. You're just … kinda hard to resist. But you have the night off tonight. I promise!" she put her hands in the air. "No groping while you try to sleep."

"You will hold me though?" Melinda was suddenly close to tears.

"Of course. Lindy, it's okay. I know it's been a tough day. I'll hold you as long as you want. And I swear I'll keep my raging libido under wraps."

"Love you, Rosa."

"Love you too, Dr Warner. Now eat."

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Olivia was trying to avoid Alex's eye as they sat in the small trattoria that night. Alex kept looking pointedly at her breasts and grinning, sending Olivia wild with desire. Olivia wanted nothing more than to drag Alex back to the hotel and make mad, passionate love to her for hours. But Lily had woken up full of beans, and they knew they should keep her up for as long as possible, so that the adjustment back to New York time wouldn't be too difficult. Alex wasn't making things any easier for Olivia, with teasing touches and surreptitious smiles.

Finally, at 10.30pm, Olivia put Lily down for the night. She came back out into their room, intent on giving Alex a tongue-lashing for her teasing behavior. But when she came out, she saw Alex standing by the large window, wearing a silky robe. Alex was looking out over the canal, her frame silhouetted in the evening light. Olivia had never seen anything more beautiful in her life.

Alex could sense Olivia approaching her, so she was unsurprised when she felt herself tenderly embraced from behind. She turned in Olivia's embrace, and was concerned to see Olivia's eyes wet with tears. "Oh Liv, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Olivia's voice was thick with unshed tears. "Nothing at all. I just … I just can't believe I got this lucky." She pulled at the silk belt around Alex's waist, and gasped with pleasure as the sides of the robe opened to reveal a very naked Alex underneath.

They made love with such tenderness and sweetness that Olivia was unable to hold back her tears. Alex held her in her arms as she sobbed, soothing her with gentle words and soft caresses. "I'm sorry," Olivia whispered. "I don't know … I can't explain ..."

"You don't have to explain," Alex held her. "Just let me be here for you."

Once Olivia had calmed, they made love again, coming against each other again and again until they were both exhausted. They fell into a dreamless sleep, not waking until Lily tugged at Alex's arm the next morning.

Alex cranked one eye open. "Baby girl?"

"You hot Mommy?" Lily looked pointedly at her naked form.

Alex laughed, as she sat up, pulling the sheet to her. "Yeah," she said. "It was real hot, so Mama and I didn't bother with pajamas. Shh," she put her finger to her lips. "Let's let Mama sleep a little longer. Want to shower with me, peanut?"

Lily nodded. "Can we go see the horses today?" she asked. She loved the horse carvings on the inside and outside of St Mark's church in the city's main square.

"Yes, let's do that. We'll wait for Mama to wake up, and then we'll go see the horses. Tomorrow's our last full day, so we have to squeeze in all the things we want to do."

Lily looked sad.

"Oh it's okay, Lily," Alex told her. "We'll come back to Venice another time. And we'll have fun when we go home too. We can see all our friends."

"I wanna see Sarah and Jay. And Amy and Robyn. And Katie. And Gracie," Lily chattered excitedly.

"We'll see everyone when we get back. And Rosie's having her baby soon, won't that be exciting?"

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"Six-and-a-half weeks," Melinda laughed, in response to Caryn's question about the baby's due date. Since Daniel's arrival, the tough ADA turned to mush at the subject of any baby.

Caryn smiled. "So...," she grinned. "Does that mean that Rosie is … keeping you busy?" she winked saucily.

Melinda snorted with laughter. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"And I'm damned sure you do," Caryn said. "Those last few months, Abbie was horny as hell. The whole time. I mean, I'm a woman who likes sex. A _lot_. But even I had a hard time keeping up. It was wonderful," she said, dreamily.

Melinda laughed, blushing as she did so.

"Spill!" Caryn demanded.

"Let's just say that Rosie sometimes has a hard time making it through the day," Melinda said.

"Elucidate," Caryn said.

"Take yesterday. We made love in the morning, but by lunchtime, she was on the phone begging me to come home, just for a half hour."

"And did you?"

"I couldn't! I had too much to do."

"Poor Rosie," Caryn smiled.

"We compromised," Melinda couldn't believe she was telling Caryn this. "Let's just say I … helped her out. Over the phone."

"Phone sex! From the morgue?" Caryn hooted with laughter.

"No!" Melinda was mortified. "Not for me, anyway. Twice for Rosie," she was laughing openly now.

"And today?"

"I promised her I'd be home early. So get out of my damned office, while I finish this report. If I'm late, you're gonna have a very angry, pregnant lady who's going to blame you."

"I'm going, I'm going," Caryn held her hands up in surrender.

Melinda smiled. "Before you go, show me."

"Show you what?"

"Those new pictures of Daniel I just know are on your phone."

"Am I that predictable?"

"When it comes to your first born, totally. Wow," Melinda scrolled through. "He's getting more handsome every day."

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It was their last day in Venice, and Olivia was frantically packing all their belongings. "Lex, why don't you take Lily out, maybe you can both get a drink while I finish in here?"

"Is our little one getting under your feet?" Alex smiled.

"It'll just be easier," Olivia admitted. "The water taxi's booked for 2pm, I don't wanna be late."

"C'mon, munchkin," Alex took Lily's hand. "It seems we are surplus to requirements. You wanna glass of OJ while I get a coffee? Decaff, of course," she screwed her face up.

Alex was holding Lily on her lap, laughing as her daughter struggled with the straw, when she looked up. "Nonna!" she smiled. "_Come, sit, let me get you a coffee_," she said, in near flawless Italian.

Nonna smiled and sat down. "_You're going home today?_"

Alex nodded.

"_I'll miss you_," she gently touched Lily's cheek. She looked carefully at Alex. "_But I think you're going to be fine. All three of you. All four of you_," she smiled as she pressed a soft hand on Alex's midriff.

"_We are. I don't think I've ever been so happy. This is a magical place. We'll miss you too, Nonna. You know you're always welcome to stay with us if you ever visit New York._"

Nonna smiled at her. "_You're very kind. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave here, but if I ever do, I'll remember that._"

"_I don't think I would leave either, if I lived here. This is a magical city. It was the perfect place for a honeymoon._"

"_Your marriage will be long and happy._"

"_How can you know that?_"

"_Some things, I just know,_" the old woman smiled. "_You don't think I'm right?_"

"_I know you're right._"

"_That's because you have chosen the right woman._"

Alex nodded. "_I'm so lucky._"

"_Your wife is also lucky. And your beautiful daughters._"

Alex fumbled in her purse. "_I keep meaning to give this back to you_," she held out the laundered embroidered handkerchief that Nonna had lent her when she found her crying in the church.

"_Keep it_," Nonna pressed it back into her hand, folding her fingers over it. "_I want you to have it. To remind you of your time here._"

Alex's eyes filled with tears. "_I'll never forget it. We'll be back. Real soon. All of us_," she touched her belly.

Nonna smiled. "_I know_," she said. She stood up, and dropped a kiss on the top of Lily's head. She held Alex's face in both hands, smiling at her. She kissed her on the cheek.


	39. Chapter 39

"So?" Alex quirked an eye at Olivia as they sat drinking tea at the airport.

Olivia gave a bright smile. "It'll be fine," she said, as cheerfully as she could manage. "Logically, flying is just about the safest form of transport there is."

Alex nodded, trying not to smile at her wife's failed attempt to mask her fears. "That's right," she said mildly. "Lily, _no_," she said, as their daughter started to wave her straw around, dripping orange juice over the table.

"I'm just going to relax. You are looking at the new, chilled air traveler," Olivia said, plastering a smile over her face.

"Chilled?"

"Chilled," Olivia said, firmly. "Relaxed. Happy."

"Okay," Alex said, drily. "We'll go with that, then."

"I wonder what Graham has to tell us?" Olivia deliberately changed the subject.

"I'm intrigued," Alex admitted. "He sounded happy about it, whatever it is. They all did. Even Carolyn. I can't get over how much she has changed. At one point, I truly thought she and Sarah would never reconcile. I'm so proud of her. She's had to admit to all her prejudices, and learn a whole new set of values."

"She's amazing," Olivia agreed. "Hey, munchkin," a few drops of orange juice landed on the back of her hand. "What did your mommy say?"

"Bored, Mama," Lily said. "I wanna go back on the boat."

"Not today, peanut," Olivia said, scooping Lily out of her chair and setting her on her lap. "But we're going on a big airplane soon, won't that be fun?"

Alex looked at her wife, smiling at the sight that beheld her. Olivia, clearly terrified of the forthcoming flight, was holding their daughter and extolling the delights of air travel. That summed her up perfectly, Alex realized; putting her own needs last while ensuring that everyone else was happy. "Love you," she mouthed at Olivia, who smiled back at her.

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"I think Mom was even more excited than I am about our engagement," Sarah said to Jay as she closed the door to their apartment. "She really loves you, Jay."

"I love her too," Jay said. "She's been real good to me. Once she got used to me being around."

"It was hard for her, especially to start with. Our whole way of life, it's alien to her. Or it was. Turned out her way of life wasn't perfect after all. I think all the awful things that have happened to her have made her realize what it is that really counts. I just wish she hadn't had to go through it all."

Jay nodded. "She told me once it was worth it. To reconcile with you. And she has a whole family now, that she didn't have before. You've seen how she is with Lily, and she and Olivia are real close, too. I hate it when people say 'everything happens for a reason', because there is _no_ reason in the world that makes what she went through _reasonable_. But maybe we can all learn from it. She certainly has."

Sarah saw the tense look on her face. "Is that how you feel, sweetheart?" she knew Jay was also thinking of her own assault.

"I don't know," Jay couldn't meet her gaze. "There's one thing, I suppose. I know what love _isn't_. And now," she smiled shyly, "I also know what love _is._"

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Olivia's hand was clutching the arm rest of her seat in a vise-like grip. Alex put a soft hand over it. "So," Alex said lightly. "Chilled out air traveler. Just how is that working out for you?"

Olivia gave her a small, tight smile. "I was hoping it would get easier," she admitted. She allowed Alex to prise her hand off the arm rest, and lace their fingers together.

Olivia felt Alex squeeze her fingers slightly, and she was grateful.

"Just four hours to go," Alex said. "Maybe you should try and sleep? I have some Ambien in my purse."

Olivia shook her head. The idea of falling asleep on the plane appalled her. She wanted to be awake, and alert, in case she was needed to protect her family. She knew, though, that if the worst happened, there was nothing she could realistically do. That was the worst part of it; she couldn't guarantee the safety of her wife and their daughter. And their unborn child. She closed her eyes, willing herself not to give in to panic.

Alex felt Olivia's tension through her fingers. "Liv? It's okay, baby," she whispered. "We're safe. All of us. And your daughter," she smiled as she looked over at Lily, "is so chilled she's been asleep for the past twenty minutes. Do you think we should wake her?" Alex already knew the answer, but she was trying to distract Olivia from her panic.

"No," Olivia said, forcing her breathing under control. "We should let her sleep. Then we have more chance of keeping her up later this evening. Try and minimize jet lag," she inhaled sharply at an imagined bump, her fingers tightening round Alex's.

"Breathe, sweetheart," Alex's voice was calming. She gestured to a nearby air steward. "Whisky?" she mouthed.

Within moments, the steward was back. "Drink this," Alex instructed Olivia.

Olivia did as she was instructed.

"Now breathe with me, in and out. I'm here with you, baby. There you go, that's good. See, you're okay. We're all okay. And we just had a wonderful vacation. And we have so many good things coming up. Try and focus on those. It's only weeks until Rosie has her baby. I wonder if it's going to be another girl? How long is it now?" again, Alex knew the answer.

"Just over a month, I think," Olivia replied. She opened her eyes again. She gazed at Alex. "I feel an idiot," she said. "It should be me taking care of you. And Lily."

"You do take care of us. All the time. Being scared of flying isn't going to change that."

"I never knew I was such a coward," Olivia hated making the admission.

"You're the bravest woman I know. You're scared, and you're doing it anyway. That's courage, not cowardice. Nobody expects you to be Superwoman, Liv," Alex teased gently, eliciting a small smile from her wife. "Though," Alex whispered, "if you ever want to try out all that lycra..." she left the thought hanging.

Olivia gave a small bark of laughter. "You, Counselor, are incorrigible."

"It's my hormones," Alex said, keeping her voice low. "They're making me horny."

"Oh yeah? So how come you were horny all the time even before you got pregnant?" Olivia bantered back.

Alex grinned. "It's your fault."

Olivia raised an expressive eyebrow.

"C'mon, Detective. Boobs like that, _and_ tight t-shirts? I'm only human," Alex protested.

Olivia smiled, and brought Alex's hand to her lips, kissing it softly. "Thank you," she exhaled gratefully.

"Feeling better?" Alex could see that much of the color had returned to Olivia's face.

"Much. Flying? Piece of cake," Olivia tried to sound strong.

"Bullshit," Alex said fondly.

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Lily was still soundly asleep when their plane touched down at JFK, for which Alex was grateful. She was able to concentrate totally on Olivia, one hand on her back, the other holding her hand tightly.

Olivia opened her eyes as she felt the plane come to a complete halt. She saw Alex peering anxiously at her, and smiled at her. "We made it," she said, shakily.

"Looks like it," Alex said.

Alex gathered all of their belongings, while Olivia hoisted Lily into her arms, smiling as the toddler mumbled sleepily and wrapped her arms around her mother's neck. Olivia held her carefully as they disembarked, unwilling to place her in her stroller in case she awoke disoriented. With luck, they could keep her asleep until they got into the cab to go home.

Once they reached the baggage reclaim area, Olivia motioned to Alex to sit, and she lowered Lily into her arms. "I'll get the bags," she whispered.

They had to wait an age for their last suitcase to come through. Olivia expertly piled everything onto the baggage trolley. She scooped Lily back into her arms, and Alex pushed the trolley. Olivia really hoped there wouldn't be a long wait for a cab. She could see the tiredness on Alex's face. It was 5pm New York time, which meant that their body clocks thought it was 11pm. If they could keep Lily up until 8pm, and try and force themselves to stay up for an hour or so after that, it would help them readjust. But they didn't need to be readjusting in a busy airport.

Lily woke up as they were going through Customs, making the usually impassive man behind the plexiglass smile. She stayed snuggled in Olivia's arms as they emerged into the public area.

"Look!" Alex cried. "It's Carolyn!" she pointed to her frantically waving sister in the mass of people welcoming friends and relatives off the flight. She smiled as her sister engulfed her in a hug. "Hey, Caro, what are you doing here?"

"I thought maybe you'd like a ride home," Carolyn said.

"Is everything okay?" Alex suddenly felt anxious.

"Everything's fine," Carolyn reassured her. "I just didn't think you'd enjoy dealing with cabs, I thought you'd be tired."

Olivia smiled at her. "You're a lifesaver," she touched her arm affectionately, unable to give her a proper hug because of the child in her arms.

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"Asleep. At last!" Melinda declared, as she returned to the kitchen, where Rosie was stirring a delicious-smelling stew. She looked over her wife's shoulder. "Something smells good."

Rosie turned and smiled. "Some_one_ smells good," she said, nuzzling into Melinda's neck. "New perfume?"

"Do you like it?"

"I _love_ it," Rosie's voice was low and lustful. She kissed Melinda very softly.

"How long until that's ready?" Melinda nodded toward the stew. She started to pull Rosie's shirt out from her maternity pants.

"An hour," Rosie gasped as Melinda's hand slid up her front and plunged into her bra. "Or ninety minutes, if I turn the heat down."

"Turn it down," Melinda commanded. She grinned as her fingers tweaked a bullet-like nipple. "I have plans for you."

"You do?"

"Very serious plans," Melinda took her hand and led her toward the bedroom. "If you approve, that is."

"Oh I approve. I very much approve."

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Olivia laughed as Alex stumbled from the bedroom at 10am the following morning. Her hair was mussed, and she was blinking blearily.

Alex peered at Olivia. She looked grumpily about the room.

Olivia held out a pair of glasses to her, trying not to smile.

Alex put them on and blinked once more. "I hate mornings," she spoke at last.

"I know," Olivia tried to hide her grin.

"What are you so damned cheerful about?" Alex snapped, as she slumped into a chair.

Wisely, Olivia chose not to answer. She passed Alex a cup of steaming coffee. "Decaff," she said, apologetically.

Alex took a deep draught. She looked up at Olivia, and gave a wry grin. "Jet lag's a bitch, huh?"

"It sure is. Do you feel okay, Alexandra?"

"I'm fine. I'm just crabby because it's so goddamned early. Where's the munchkin?" Alex was slowly coming to.

"Still asleep. I'm just going to go in and wake her. And we all know how much she hates being woken. Just like her mommy," Olivia dropped a kiss on Alex's head. "Wish me luck."

Ten minutes later, Olivia emerged from Lily's room, their daughter clinging miserably to her. "I know, baby, it's real early. But we've gotta get used to New York time again. You'll be okay once you wake up. And I got you a surprise for breakfast, that'll cheer you up."

"Don't wan' breakfast," Lily said grumpily, trying to snuggle impossibly tighter into Olivia's arms.

"I know, baby girl. You'll be okay in a few minutes, once you wake up. And then you can have the warm croissant I got for you from the bakery."

Alex put her arms out. "Let me take her," she pleaded, smiling as Olivia lowered her into her arms. "Hey, peanut," she whispered into her daughter's hair. "You take after me when it comes to waking up too early. We can be snarky together, while your Mama brings us some breakfast, how does that sound?"

"So I'm your personal chef now?" Olivia teased.

"You better believe it," Alex smiled.

"Are you two going to be awake by lunchtime? We're meeting the family at the café at 2pm, remember?"

"Graham's news! Of course. I'd completely forgotten. I can't wait to see them."

"You can't wait to see _Carla_," Olivia loved to tease Alex about her brother's wife, on whom Alex had had a crush when Graham had first brought her to meet the family.

Alex grinned. She looked up as the door to the apartment opened, to reveal Amy, weighed down with groceries. "Hi Amy," Alex called.

Amy smiled. "You're all up! I thought you'd be asleep for ages yet."

"I'm back to work tomorrow," Olivia told her. "Gotta get my time clock back in order. Are you sure you've bought enough?" she laughed at the number of bags Amy was carrying.

"I'm making dinner for us all tonight. To welcome you back."

"That's so kind. You don't have to do that," Alex protested.

"I know I don't have to. I want to," Amy said. "Anyway, Rob's working today, and I promised her pot roast when she gets back."

"Sounds great," Olivia kissed her lightly on the cheek. She took one of Amy's hands, and looked at her carefully. "You're looking well," she said.

"I'm doing great," Amy said. "Robyn's been amazing. And because you're being so kind, we're not panicking about making rent. It's really helped. Thank you so much."

Olivia waved her thanks away. "We love having you here. Our daughter especially loves having more company, don't you munchkin?" Lily was slowly coming to in Alex's arms.

Lily looked up and smiled widely at Amy. "Amy!" she cried. "We got you a present!"

Olivia laughed. "So we did. Lily, do you remember which one it was?"

Lily nodded. "The one with the goddoly on it," she said.

"Well you go into our room. The gifts are still in our suitcase. See if you can find it," Alex said, as she lowered Lily to the floor. Alex looked up and smiled at Amy. "You may not thank us when you see it. Lily chose it."

Five minutes later, Lily emerged from her parents' bedroom, proudly bearing the most tasteless mug Amy had ever seen. It was unbelievably gaudy, and was shaped in such a way that the handle was formed in the image of a gondolier who was guiding a gondola.

"Have you ever seen anything so tasteless?" Alex laughed.

Lily toddled over to Amy and presented the mug to her. "We got another one for Robyn," Lily said proudly.

Amy knelt at Lily's level. "It's beautiful, Lily," she said. "Thank you so much," she pulled the little girl into a hug. "I'm going to have my coffee in it right now!"

Lily beamed.

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"You all know?" Alex looked accusingly at her sister and her niece.

"Of course we know! We haven't been sunning ourselves in Venice for the past week!" Carolyn declared. "Have you ever known Graham to keep a secret that long?"

"Out with it!" Alex commanded her brother.

Graham laughed, as he picked up his coffee cup. "This coffee's great," he said, teasing his sister by delaying.

"Of course it's great, we only serve the best," Vanessa said as she topped up his cup.

"I wish you'd come join us," Carolyn said to Vanessa. "You and Joe. You've got Frankie working the kitchen."

"We will, as soon as Jakie gets here," Vanessa promised. "Both of us," she winked at Sarah, who inexplicably blushed.

"Charlie got a scholarship," Carla, Graham's wife told Alex, knowing that her husband's delaying tactics were driving Alex crazy. "At Juilliard. He's gonna study full time," she was very proud of her eldest child, 13-year-old Charlie.

"To study the piano?" Alex was excited for her nephew. "But how's that going to work, with you all in Florida?"

"That's just it, baby sis," Graham said. "We're moving to NYC. All of us. I want to set up a showroom here anyway. We'll keep the workshops in Florida. I'll fly back every month. It's going to be great. The kids are so excited about coming here."

Alex flung her arms around her brother's neck. "That's fantastic, Gray," she said, smiling as she saw Olivia embrace Carla on the other side of the table.

Sarah looked up and saw Jay coming in. Jay had been on shift since midnight and, judging by her wet hair, had just come from the shower at the station house.

Sarah strode over to greet her girlfriend. She took her hand, and peered at her anxiously. She always liked to do an inventory, to make sure that Jay was unhurt. "No injuries to report," Jay teased. "I'm fine. Have you told them?"

"Not yet," Sarah smiled. "I wanted you here for that." She cupped her cheek and kissed her tenderly, before pulling her back to the table. "Ness!" she called out to Vanessa, pointing to Jay.

Vanessa smiled, and disappeared into the kitchen.

In a moment, Vanessa and Joe both appeared at the table. Joe was beaming widely, and couldn't keep his eyes off his daughter. He kept glancing at her finger.

Olivia followed his gaze, and her eyes alighted on the ring on Jay's engagement ring. She gasped, and looked at Jay, who was grinning. Sarah's face held the same expression. "Why didn't you tell us?" Olivia demanded. "Look, Lex," she grasped Jay's hand, showing the ring to Alex.

"We haven't seen you!" Sarah protested.

"There is such a thing as the telephone!" Alex had leapt out of her seat and was hugging her niece tightly.

"You were on honeymoon," Jay said shyly, as she accepted a hug from Olivia. "We didn't want to disturb you."

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"That was Wheels," Olivia's voice shook, as she put the telephone back in her cradle.

"It didn't sound good," Alex had heard the conversation, and saw the anxious look on Olivia's face.

"May is thinking about stopping the dialysis," Olivia tried to blink away her tears.

Alex's face fell. "What? She can't! If she stops dialysis, she'll..."

"... be gone within weeks," Olivia finished her sentence.

"Oh my God. Poor Wheels," Alex's heart went out to the fiery pensioner she had become so fond of. There was something about Wheels that reminded her of Olivia. She loved May too, they both did, but Wheels held a special place in her heart. "How is she holding up?"

"She says she'll do whatever May wants. May doesn't want to struggle on for months, in misery. She says she wants Wheels to remember her alive and vibrant. I can't bear it Alexandra. Suppose that were to happen to us? I don't think I could let you do it, Lex. I'd be dragging you to the hospital. Every second with you is important."

"I'd be the same, Liv," Alex took her wife in her arms and held her tight. "I'd do anything to keep you with me. We should maybe talk, one day. Really talk."

"No!" Olivia pulled out of her arms, and strode to the window. She put both hands on the sill, willing them to stop shaking. "I can't even think about it." She felt Alex's soft hand on her back.

"You don't have to think about it today. Or tomorrow. But one day, we should talk it out. We should do it soon, so we don't have to worry about it, not have it hanging over us. It's just like making a will. It's not for now. And it may never happen."

"It is now for Wheels," Olivia choked back her tears.

"Yes. It is for Wheels. Poor, darling Wheels. And May," Alex whispered.

"I told Wheels to call us any time, day or night. And she has my cell," Olivia said.

"I heard you. That's good."

"Sometimes life can be real shitty," Olivia spat.

"I know, sweetheart. I know," Alex spoke softly, her hand continuing to gentle Olivia's back.

Olivia turned to face her. "We can't waste a moment. We have to make the very most of every minute we have. We must never fight again."

Alex chuckled. "We _are_ going to fight again, Liv," she said. "We just have to live with that. But that's okay. Fighting's okay. Making up's even better," she kissed Olivia.

"How long do we have until Amy gets back with Lily?" Olivia felt a quickening in her; more than anything, she was suddenly desperate to show Alex how very much she loved her.

"They'll be at least another couple of hours. Why?" Alex smiled coyly. "Do you have something in mind, Detective?"

Wordlessly, Olivia took her hand and led her to the bedroom. She unbuttoned Alex's shirt, and slid it down her arms. She put her palm flat against Alex's stomach, looking deep into her eyes. "_This_ is what matters," she whispered. "You, me, Lily and our unborn child."

They made love twice, and Alex was unsurprised when Olivia dissolved into tears as they lay together afterwards. Alex's miscarriage, and the emergency trip to the hospital, was still too fresh in Olivia's mind. "Don't ever leave me," Olivia sobbed, as she clung to her wife. "Please don't ever leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, baby. I swear to you. I'll be by your side for as long as I possibly can be. I'm yours forever. We'll call Wheels in a few days, huh? See how things are."

"I wish we could do something for them. And what is Wheels gonna do … after?" Olivia looked anguished.

"We'll be there for her. For both of them," Alex whispered, running her hand through Olivia's soft hair.

"It's not fair," Olivia said.

"No, baby, it's not. It's not fair at all."


	40. Chapter 40

Amy smiled as she heard the soft click of the bedroom door. "Hey, Rob," she greeted her girlfriend. "You're late."

Robyn looked at her watch; it was nearly 3am.

"Yeah," she said tiredly. "Big fire by the dock. I'm sorry, Amy. I didn't have time to text. And I didn't want to wake you."

Amy reached over and switched on the lamp on the nightstand. She looked closely at the blonde firefighter, relieved that she seemed unhurt. She couldn't help worrying whenever Robyn was working that something could happen to her, and that worry multiplied with every second that she was late. And tonight she was almost two hours later than she should have been.

Amy got out of bed and took Robyn in her arms. She ran a hand through her damp, short hair. "You showered at the station house, huh?"

"I didn't want to wake anyone," Robyn stifled a yawn. She caressed Amy's soft cheek. "Why weren't you sleeping?"

"I was," Amy lied.

Robyn just raised an eyebrow, challenging her.

"Okay. Busted. I tried to sleep. I will now, now I know you're safe. It's just … when you're late … I'm sorry. I know it's dumb."

"Oh baby, it's not dumb. I'm sorry. You do know, if something happened, you would be the first to find out? But it's not going to happen," she added rapidly, seeing the anguished expression on her girlfriend's face. I'm real good at what I do. I swear. And I don't take risks. Safety of the crew is always our first priority."

Amy nodded. There was nothing more for her to say. She knew Robyn loved her job, and there was no way she would ever ask her to stop doing it. The nights were worse, for some reason. Probably because she had no distractions, and had nothing else to focus on apart from what dangers her girlfriend could be facing. "You need sleep," she said softly. She pushed an exhausted Robyn to sit on the edge of the bed. She unbuttoned her shirt, unable to suppress a grin at the sight of Robyn's full, perfect breasts, clad in a simple cotton bra. Amy reached out behind her and unclasped the bra, pulling it down her arms. Robyn had beautiful, golden, skin, a thrilling contrast to the soft pink of her nipples. Amy leant down and placed a tender kiss on one nipple.

Robyn smiled. She loved the attention that Amy always paid to her breasts. Amy never tired of telling her how she loved them, and Robyn felt the same about Amy's ample cleavage. Robyn reached out, lightly touching Amy's left breast through her nightshirt. She then let out a huge, involuntary yawn, causing Amy to laugh.

Amy reached out for Robyn's nightwear, slipping her singlet over her head. She swiftly undid her jeans, and tugged them down her legs, together with her underwear. She guided Robyn into the loose boxers that she liked to sleep in. "You're dead on your feet," Amy smiled.

"Tomorrow?" Robyn pleaded, even as her head hit the pillows.

"Oh God yes," Amy agreed, as she slid in next to her.

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"Want Mama!" Lily declared crossly the next morning.

"Me too, baby girl," Alex decided honesty was the best policy. "But she's real busy at work, and she's having to stay there."

"But _why_?" Lily demanded, using her favorite word, one that Alex often found endearing but wished, just today, she would stop using.

"Because there's a bad guy out there, and your Mama is trying to catch him, so we can all be safe."

"Is Mama safe?" Lily's voice suddenly trembled.

Alex swallowed. "Of course she's safe. She has Uncle Elliott, and Uncle Fin to keep her safe."

"And UncaMunch?"

"Him too, sweetie. They all take care of each other."

"I miss Mama," Lily's face crumpled.

"I know, sweet baby," Alex pulled the small child into her arms and hugged her tight. "We'll see her soon. I know she's missing you too. I spoke to her last night, and she's fine, and she wants you to know how much she loves you."

"Okay, Mommy," Lily snuggled into Alex.

The door to Amy and Robyn's room opened, and Amy emerged, blinking in the morning light. She saw Lily in Alex's arms, and smiled at her. "Morning," she said softly. "Well look at that. If it isn't my favorite girl!"

Amy smiled. She held out her arms to Amy, who took her and gave her a warm hug. "Hey Lily," Amy said. "How are you this morning?"

"She's missing her Mama," Alex told her.

"It's been, what, three days?"

"Yeah," Alex tried not to sound tense.

Amy put Lily on the floor. She approached Alex, and placed a soft hand on her arm. "How are you doing?"

Alex gave her a small smile; a smile of understanding. She knew that Amy felt the exact same way when Robyn was on duty. "I'll be better when she's home," she said softly.

Amy nodded. "Rob's not working today. How about we take Lily to the park, give you some peace?"

Alex shook her head. "No, you and I have work to do, remember?"

"We don't have to do that today," Amy said. "Wait until you're more settled."

"No, it'll help to keep busy. And Liv's fine, I spoke to her last night. She's just exhausted. She never gets any proper sleep in these situations. And we should go over everything. I'm meeting with the lawyers at the end of next week, remember? As long as you're up to it?" Alex didn't want to put any pressure on Amy. She hated that she constantly had to re-live her attack, but she was determined that the lawsuit would succeed. Not only would it mean a lump sum for Amy, but – more importantly, in Alex's experience – it would reinforce to Amy that she hadn't done anything wrong.

"I'm fine to do it, if you are. Robyn can take Lily out for a couple of hours, she loves spending time with her."

"Lily loves her too," Alex smiled, as she passed Amy a cup of coffee. "She especially loves it when she sees her in uniform. She thinks Robyn's a hero,"

"Are you suggesting I'm _not_?" Robyn's voice interrupted the conversation. Alex turned to see a laughing Robyn standing in the doorway.

Alex held her hands up in mock-surrender. "Never!" she declared.

Hearing Robyn's voice, Lily toddled into the kitchen. "Wobyn!" she cried, delightedly.

Robyn seized a giggling Lily and swung her round, laughing at the child's cries of pleasure. "Looks like it's just you and me, kid," she grinned, as she set her back on the ground. "Amy and your Mommy have some work to do together. So what's it gonna be, the park or the zoo?"

"The zoo! The zoo!" Lily cried.

"Okay, trouble. Just give me a few minutes to have breakfast and to have a shower, and then we'll hit the zoo."

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Melinda looked up from her desk to see her hugely pregnant wife standing by the doorway. "Rosa!" she cried. "Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

Rosie smiled. "Yes, it is the damned baby. No, nothing's happening," she waved away Melinda's concern. "I was just going stir-crazy at home. And I missed you."

"The baby's due in under a week. You should be at home, resting," Melinda scolded.

"Oh yeah?" Rosie scoffed. "Like you rested when you were carrying Gracie, you mean?"

Melinda had the grace to blush.

"At least_ I _am not up a ladder," Rosie teased.

"I apologized for that. I know, it was dumb. But I couldn't bear to look at the crooked cabinet door."

"So you just _had_ to rebuild that whole corner unit. The day before you went into labor," Rosie smiled.

"Two days before," Melinda protested. "Okay, so I'm a hypocrite. I just want you to be safe."

"It's okay. My wife's a doctor," Rosie teased. "I think I'm safe here. I didn't come here to argue. I came here," she caught Melinda's hand and pulled her to her, "to do this." Very tenderly, but with a growing passion, she kissed Melinda.

Melinda wanted to refuse her wife. Quite apart from anything, her office door was still open, and her assistant could walk in at any time. But as soon as Rosie's lips touched hers, she was lost. They had been together for nearly fifteen years, but still the sight and feel of Rosie sent her hormones out of control, and she couldn't get enough of her.

Common sense eventually prevailed when Rosie's elegant fingers tried to work their way into Melinda's blouse.

"Stop that," Melinda was a little breathless, as she pulled back, seeing the wicked grin on Rosie's face. "Do you want to get me fired for gross indecency?"

"If ever you're gonna get fired, that would be a hell of a way to go," Rosie breathed, trying to pull her back to her.

"I'm calling you a cab," Melinda said, firmly.

"But I wanna stay with you," Rosie pouted.

"I'm due to start an autopsy in," Melinda looked at her watch, "eight minutes. Still want to stay?" she laughed as Rosie paled. Rosie was the most squeamish person Melinda had ever met.

"Maybe I'll go back," Rosie laughed. "But I need you tonight."

"How about this afternoon?" Melinda's eyes twinkled. "I can get home by four, I'd guess. And the girls are both going to Bethan's party until 7pm. I think that's what you call a 'window of opportunity'."

Rosie's mouth went dry. "I'll hold you to that."

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"It's not that!" Caryn's face was tight with anger. "I don't know how you can think that."

"Well, what other possible interpretation is there?" Abbie spat. "You don't trust me to take Daniel to see his father. You think he and I still have something going on. You think we're going to spend the weekend screwing each other's brains out."

"No!" Caryn cried. "Christ, Carmichael, sometimes there's just no reasoning with you."

"While you are _so_ reasonable?" Abbie taunted. "Just give me one good reason. Why the fuck can't I go to Washington with our son? You've been working such long hours, I just wanted you to have the chance to catch up on some sleep this weekend, without the baby crying all night to disturb you. So you decide that this is my chance to sleep around!"

Caryn blinked. "I don't need to catch up on sleep," she protested.

"Oh yeah? So working 14 hours a day, and then spending half the night placating our son is _good_ for your health now, is it? And don't think I haven't noticed how scrawny you're getting."

"I may have lost a couple of pounds," Caryn argued, "but..."

"Try ten pounds. That you didn't need to lose. CW, listen, you're making yourself sick. And I'm trying to help, and you jump to the conclusion that I'm fucking around on you!" Abbie's anger was growing.

"No! Listen to yourself, Carmichael. Are you losing your mind?" Caryn suddenly felt her anger dissipate, and she was overtaken by bone-weary tiredness. She slumped into a chair, her head in her hands.

Abbie was startled. "CW? What's going on? Are you okay?"

Caryn looked up, and Abbie was appalled to see tears in her eyes.

Caryn shook her head. "No," she whispered. "I'm not okay. I can't believe you think that's what I think of you. I _know_ you're not sleeping with him. It's not because of him. I just … I just want to be with you. I want to take care of you. Both of you. You and my son. I want to help you at the airport, I want to hold him if he gets scared by all the noises. I want to hold your hand, and tell you it's all going to be okay. We're a family, Abs. You, me and our little boy. I want to be there for you, that's all."

Abbie's face fell. "So you didn't think I wanted to sleep with Jeff?" her anger left as quickly as it had arrived.

Caryn smiled, tiredly. She held out a hand and was delighted when, after a moment's hesitation, Abbie put her hand in it. Caryn kissed her fingers softly. "Whatever I may ever think, Abbie Carmichael, there's one thing I'm very sure of. You, my beautiful, hot, fiery – and frankly sometimes rather scary – girlfriend, you are 100% lesbian. Of that I am completely sure. Unless," she smiled at Abbie's expression, "you are the world's _greatest_ actress."

"I'm such a fuck-up," Abbie's voice wobbled.

"You are. But you're my fuck-up," Caryn stood and pulled Abbie into a tight embrace. "And I love you, honey."

"I was just trying to take care of you," Abbie murmured into her front.

"I know."

"I mean it though," Abbie pulled back so that she could meet Caryn's tired gaze. "You're burning yourself out. You're not home until 10pm most nights. I miss you. We miss you."

"That's why I want to get up at night with him," Caryn admitted. "I don't see enough of him."

"You _are_ going to make yourself sick," Abbie said. "Can't you get some help? Or go part-time? We'll cope, financially. I'll go back part-time too. We'll work something out."

Caryn nodded, as she lowered herself back into the chair. Her head was pounding. "I'll talk to Branch about the hours," she promised. "He mentioned it last week," she admitted. "Said I've been doing too much. I told him I was fine."

"Just why in the hell would you do that?" Abbie's anger returned.

"I didn't want him to think I can't cope. I want him to think I'm good at my job."

"And you _are_," Abbie knelt by her knee, her voice softening again. "You're an amazing lawyer. You're the best damned prosecutor I've ever seen, so much better than I am. Though I will, of course, deny that statement if you ever repeat it."

"Of course," Caryn gave a small smile.

"So give yourself a break. Please? For me? For us?"

"I swear. I'll talk to him tomorrow. On one condition," Caryn said.

Abbie raised an eyebrow.

"On condition that you book one more ticket to Washington. I don't think I can bear to be without you. Please? And maybe I can take a few days' vacation when we get back. Just you, me and Daniel."

"Deal," Abbie leant forward and pressed her lips to Caryn's. "Christ," she slumped onto the floor by Caryn's feet, resting her head on her knees. "Is it always going to be like this?"

"Like what?"

"You and me. Arguing. Neither of us listening. Making up."

Caryn smiled. She ran her hand through Abbie's hair. "Yup," she said. "I think we'll probably always argue. But maybe we can learn to listen better. Sometimes. Sometimes we'll forget. And that's okay too. Some of our make-up sex has been pretty hot, maybe it's best to keep some of our … spark?" she smiled at Abbie.

Abbie got to her feet. She put out a hand to Caryn. "Bedroom?" she suggested.

Caryn was about to reply, when they both heard the unmistakeable cry of their son.

Abbie laughed. "I think we'll have to take a rain check. I'll go see what he wants. Likely access to my udders," she joked.

"Let me get him," Caryn pleaded. "I'll bring him to you."

"Okay," Abbie smiled. She knew that Caryn derived enormous pleasure from watching her breastfeeding their son. She sat down in the chair, unbuttoning her shirt and releasing her left breast from the maternity bra.

Within a few minutes, Caryn was back, a cooing Daniel in her arms. "Hey, baby boy, you want your Mommy, huh? I know, we've been starving you. It's a cruel world, I quite agree," very tenderly she placed him in Abbie's arms, guiding his mouth to the nipple. Caryn caressed the full breast lovingly. "I'm going to miss this, when he weans," she admitted.

"Me too," Abbie admitted. "I never thought I would say that. But this … family time, it's so precious, isn't it?"

Caryn spotted the unshed tears in Abbie's eyes. She nodded. Very tenderly, she cupped Abbie's cheek, and kissed her deeply. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Me too," Abbie said. "I've just got no filter … no 'off switch'. I say the first thing that comes into my head, and oftentimes, it's just crap. Just know, I will always love you."

"Me too," Caryn smiled. "Both of you."

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"Are you getting any sleep?" Alex asked Olivia when they spoke at nearly midnight that night. "And I need you to be honest."

"Not much," Olivia admitted.

"How much longer?"

"We have a sting set up for tomorrow evening. Just pray that it works, huh?"

"Can't you come home?"

"Oh God, I wish I could. We just have so much to do, to make sure we get this right. We have so many interviews, and we have to cover our asses legally. I'm so sorry, baby. I know this is hard on you. How are _you_ feeling? Any morning sickness?"

"I'm feeling good. Truly. I'm a little lonely, especially at night, but I'm doing fine, and so's The Hitchhiker."

"Hitchhiker?" Olivia smiled. Every week, it seemed, they tried out a new nickname for the fetus.

"Do you like it?" Alex laughed.

"I love it," Olivia smiled, tiredly. "So, 12 weeks tomorrow?"

"I didn't think you'd remember, with all that's been going on," Alex said.

"November 3rd. I'll never forget that date," Olivia said. "I think it's really going to be okay this time. I just have that feeling, don't you?"

"I do. I think Nonna was right. I wonder if she was right that it's going to be a girl?"

"All I care is that you're both okay," Olivia admitted. "How's Lily? I miss her so much."

"She misses you too, she keeps talking about you. I've got to take her out tomorrow, to buy some new shoes. Would it be okay to bring her to the precinct? Just for a few minutes, just to say hi?"

"I'd love that," Olivia breathed. "Oh, no, wait," she looked around her at the gruesome crime scene photographs that haunted her every minute. "The photos here, I don't want her to see those. Call me when you're near, I'll meet you by the coffee cart on the street."

"How about the deli?" Alex pushed gently. "You have to eat, Liv. I'll go in and order, and then I'll call you. You only have to take 20 minutes. It'll do you good, and Lily will be so thrilled to see you. She keeps asking me if you're safe," Alex wasn't beneath a little emotional blackmail to try and force her wife to take care of herself.

"Okay," Olivia agreed. "If I'm here. I might be at a scene somewhere."

"If you're there," Alex agreed. "Liv?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I love you."

"Love you too, baby. More than I can ever say."


	41. Chapter 41

Alex settled Lily in her chair in the deli, and passed her a glass of apple juice. "Food'll be here soon, chipmunk," she told her.

Lily smiled. She loved to be out and about with her Mommy. She preferred it when her Mama was with them too, but she was working right now, she knew.

Alex got out her cellphone to text Olivia.

_We're here, I've ordered for you. Lily doesn't know you're coming, I can't wait to see her face. Love you._

Olivia smiled when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.

**I'll be there in five. Love you too. Both of you.**

Lily was playing with her straw when Alex nudged her. "Hey baby girl, look over there," she nodded toward the door.

Lily's face lit up with delight. "Mama!" she cried, climbing off her seat and running at full tilt toward her mother.

Olivia swept her up in her arms and swung her round, laughing at the joy in her daughter's face. "Hey, sweet baby, I've missed you _so_ much," Olivia told her.

"Are you finished now Mama?" Lily asked, excitedly. "Are you coming home with us?"

Olivia carried her back to the table, and kissed her wife softly. She sat down, holding Lily in her lap. "I'm not quite done, Lily-bean," she said. "But I hope I will be by tomorrow."

Lily's face fell.

"I'm sorry, honey. I hate it when I have to be away from you. But we think we're gonna catch the bad guy tonight, and then he won't be able to do bad things any more. So it's worth it, though I hate it when we're apart."

"S'okay, Mama," Lily tried to be brave. "So you gotta go?"

"Not quite yet. I'm gonna stay and have some lunch with you and Mommy. And if everything goes well, when you wake up tomorrow, I'll be home. But if I'm not, you mustn't worry, it just means it's taking us a little longer."

Lily nodded, trying not to cry.

"Tell your Mama what we've been doing," Alex stroked her back lovingly, trying to get her to cheer up.

Lily smiled. "Yesterday I did go to the park with Wobyn and Jay-Jay. And Jay-Jay carried me on her back, and we fed the ducks. And today Mommy and I did swim, and then we went to get me some new shoes. Do you like them Mama?" Lily waved her feet.

"I love them, baby. You look so smart. You haven't been overdoing things, have you Alex?" she peered at her wife.

Alex smiled, and touched her hand. "No, I'm being careful I swear. I wish I could say the same for you," her wife looked like death warmed over. "You're not sleeping, huh?" she kept her voice quiet.

"Not so much," Olivia admitted.

"Will you text me when you're done tonight? I don't care what time it is. I won't sleep until I know you're safe anyway," Alex said. "Promise me?"

"I promise. Hey," their plates arrived at the table. "This looks good. Jen," she smiled at the waitress who they knew well, "can I get a coffee with that?"

Jen smiled back. "Nope," she said. "Not unless you're prepared to negotiate with your wife. She ordered this for you," she passed her a large glass of milk.

"Milk? You gotta be kidding me!"

"Just how many coffees have you had today alone?" Alex demanded, her voice a little icy.

Olivia started to count in her head. When she got to six, she started to laugh. "Okay, okay. You have a point. This," she lifted the glass and took a deep draught, "is perfect. Actually, that's pretty good. I should drink milk more often."

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Alex lay in bed, unable to sleep. She looked at her watch. 1.21am. She had thought the operation was due to be over by midnight at the very latest. She knew Olivia would be safe, but she was exhausted beyond measure, and she was sure the others were too. If they were all that tired, how could they be at the top of their game? Mistakes were always possible. Her phone buzzed, and she snatched it up eagerly.

**We got him. He's spilling his guts to Munch right now. I'll be home in a half hour. Love you.**

_Love you. See you soon._

Alex wiped away the tears she hadn't realized were falling. This damned pregnancy was playing havoc with her hormones, she could barely keep her emotions under control.

Alex knew that Olivia would be exhausted, but also expected her to be wound tight. This case had been hard on all of them, and they had all taken it personally. So she lit some candles in the bathroom, and ran the tub, pouring in a generous dollop of the sandalwood bath oil that Olivia loved so much. She hoped that if she could get Olivia to relax before she hit the sack, then she would get the sleep that she so desperately needed.

As soon as Alex heard the key in the lock, she sprinted to the door of the apartment. Olivia's exhausted face lit up with pleasure at the sight of her wife. She kissed her deeply, reveling in the soft skin of her wife, moaning with pleasure at the texture of her tongue. "You should be asleep," Olivia whispered.

"I wanted to see you," Alex replied, simply. "Are you okay?" she peered at her, worried at Olivia's white face and drawn features.

"I am now," Olivia said. She kissed her again, almost stumbling against her in her exhaustion.

"Hey there," Alex said gently. "C'mon," she was already pulling Olivia's leather jacket from her. "I know just what you need," she led her into the bathroom, guiding her to sit on the closed toilet seat. Slowly, Alex removed her clothes, trying not to wince when she saw Olivia's badly bruised and torn knuckles on her right hand. She took the hand and brought it to her lips, dropping a feather-light kiss on the traumatized flesh. "I'll wrap that for you before we sleep," she promised.

Olivia nodded, suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. "He raped six little girls," she whispered, her eyes shut against the horror.

"I know, sweetheart," Alex placed a soft hand on her back.

"One of them was the same age as Lily."

Alex pulled her into her arms. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Olivia nodded, burying her face in Alex's soft neck.

Alex held her for a few minutes. "C'mon," she said, "let's get you in the tub."

"Come with me?" Olivia pleaded, as she stepped into the gloriously warm water.

"Of course," Alex was already shedding her robe and, in one swift motion, she pulled her nightshirt over her head. "Hey," she remembered, and reached out for Olivia's hand. She pulled it to her belly, spreading the fingers flat. "What do you think?"

Olivia's eyes lit up with pleasure. "You're starting to show!"

"I think so. Just a little. Unless I've just been eating too much."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "Your baby. _Our_ baby," she whispered.

Alex nodded. "We're going to be mommies again. Scoot forward a little," she stepped in behind Olivia, and settled down in the warm water, one leg either side of Olivia. She pulled Olivia back into her arms. "Lean back, relax," she told her. "Let me take care of you."

"I'm too heavy," Olivia protested.

"Bullshit," Alex said. She pulled Olivia back so that she was lying in her arms. She glanced at her right hand, trying not to tear up at the sight of the torn and bruised knuckles. She had Olivia back with her, where she belonged, and she was safe. They were all safe. Their daughter was sleeping soundly in her room, and their second child was, finally, becoming a reality. "We can tell everyone now," Alex said, as she ran her hands up and down Olivia's arms. "About the baby."

"We should talk to Lily first," Olivia said. "I want her to be the first to know."

"Me too," Alex agreed.

"And then the family," Olivia's voice was drowsy.

"And Amy and Robyn."

"They _are_ family," Olivia said. She knew, better than most, that family is what you made of it, and was so much more than blood. She had no blood ties to Alex's baby, but already she loved it as much as if she were carrying it herself. She reached out and grasped Alex's hand. "I love you so much, Alexandra," she said in a soft voice.

"I love you too, Liv. So much. Sometimes it scares me just how much you mean to me."

"Me too," Olivia's eyes were filling with tears again. These awful cases just brought it home to her how fragile happiness could be, how it could be ripped away in a second.

Alex felt her tense up in her arms. "Liv?" she whispered. "Liv, it's okay. We're okay. All of us. We really are. Nothing's going to happen to us," she rocked her gently in the water.

Olivia nodded.

Alex ran her soapy hands up and down Olivia's arms, soothing her, loving her. She let her hands slide over her breasts, and was surprised to feel Olivia's nipples tighten at the lightest touch. She cupped both breasts tenderly, causing Olivia to emit a small moan. She teased the nipples again, more firmly this time, smiling as they sprang into stiff peaks.

"Oh Lex," Olivia whimpered.

"You like that?"

"I love it," Olivia gasped, surprised by her own responsiveness. The slightest touch from Alex had sent her libido into overdrive.

"You're not too tired?"

"Never. Not for that," Olivia groaned again, as Alex tweaked her left nipple, rolling it between her thumb and forefinger.

"I'll make this quick," Alex knew that Olivia was dead on her feet. This would be perfect, she reasoned, as her hands teased and aroused, if she could get Olivia to come, to experience the ultimate relaxation, she would sleep like the dead. She needed this, Alex knew, as she allowed her right hand to reach down her body and gently press her legs apart.

As soon as Alex slid a finger into her curls, Olivia's back arched. "Jesus," she moaned. "That's it. Oh Alex."

Alex smiled at the reaction. It had been nearly a week since they had been able to make love, but she hadn't realized Olivia was on such a hair trigger. "Is that what you want?" Alex whispered into Olivia's ear, her hot breath tickling her neck.

"You know it is," Olivia gasped. "It's what I always want. Oh God," she jerked forward involuntarily, when Alex's finger grazed over her most sensitive part. She grabbed Alex's left hand which was covering her breast, pulling it tighter to her. "More," she demanded, mewling with pleasure as Alex increased the intensity of her kneading.

Alex nibbled Olivia's ear, letting her tongue tease the lobe in a way that she knew drove Olivia crazy. She continued her assault on her breast, as her right hand teased her core.

Olivia felt Alex's fingers part her outer lips, quivering with desire.

Very carefully, to avoid splashing water onto the floor, Alex expertly maneuvered them both, so that Olivia was beneath her. She grinned at the expression of naked lust in her wife's eyes. She cupped the back of Olivia's head as she kissed her hungrily, feeling Olivia rocking beneath her. When their kiss finally broke, she smiled at Olivia. She guided Olivia's mouth to her own breast, laughing at the eagerness with which Olivia clamped her mouth around Alex's breast.

Alex slipped one finger inside Olivia, unsurprised when Olivia grasped her wrist, trying to push her in deeper. "More?" she asked.

"Oh God, yes," Olivia grunted. "Three."

"Are you sure?" Alex couldn't bear to hurt Olivia, and was concerned that it was too soon.

"Please. Oh God, please. That's it," Olivia's hips bucked as she tried to gain maximum friction. "Hard. I want you to fuck me. Please, baby, I want to feel you."

"I don't want to hurt you," Alex told her. "We should build up to this."

"Not this time," Olivia was pleading. She knew she was right on the edge. "I need... oh God," Olivia's mouth worked desperately at Alex's breast, and she panted uncontrollably as she felt Alex start to thrust into her.

Alex knew Olivia was close, and she wanted to give her what she wanted. Her fingers worked expertly in Olivia's core as her rhythm increased. "You are so beautiful," she whispered to Olivia. "So very beautiful. You're nearly there, baby. That's it. You just … you need … like that, just like that," she could feel Olivia's hot tongue on her nipple, but she wasn't concerned about her own release. Olivia needed this. "Good girl," Alex's own breathing was ragged. "Come for me, Liv. Let it go, just … oh my sweet baby."

Olivia crashed over the edge, allowing Alex to pull her mouth tight to her own breast to muffle the scream that she couldn't quite suppress.

Alex held Olivia in her arms as she came down from her mind-blowing climax, twitching with aftershocks. They ended up side by side in the tub, clutching each other tight as Olivia recovered.

It was a full ten minutes later that Olivia lifted a shaking hand to Alex's face. "Your turn," she whispered.

"Tomorrow," Alex was firm. "Right now," she sat up slightly, "right now, we need to get you into bed."

"You're incorrigible," Olivia muttered.

Alex laughed, as she stood. "That's right, stud," she teased. "We both know that you'll be out like a light as soon as your head hits the pillow."

Olivia grinned, allowing Alex to pull her to her feet. Her legs were wobbly, and she felt like a newborn foal as Alex guided her to sit on the edge of the bed. Alex dried her off tenderly, and slid a singlet over her, before pulling on her favorite boxer shorts. Alex took her right hand tenderly. She blinked back tears at the raw flesh and angry bruising. "Okay," she said softly, "sit there a moment." Within seconds, she was back at her side with the first aid kit. She wrapped the knuckles carefully.

"I thought you'd be pissed," Olivia nodded at the bandaged fist.

"Tell me that he at least has a black eye," Alex tried to sound light-hearted.

"And a broken nose," Olivia couldn't keep the pride out of her voice.

"Good girl," Alex turned away, blinking away the tears before Alex could see them. "Good girl."

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Olivia had been asleep for little more than an hour when she started to shift restlessly in the bed. Alex woke from her own light slumber, recognizing the beginnings of a nightmare. "Liv? It's okay, baby. It's over. It's all over," she whispered, as she gentled Olivia's back.

Olivia mumbled in her sleep.

Alex did the only thing she could think of, the one thing that she knew would help. She unbuttoned her own nightshirt, and cradled Olivia carefully, bringing her mouth to her breast. Olivia latched on almost immediately, and Alex could actually feel the tension leave her body as she started to suckle. "That's it, sweetheart," she whispered, her hand carding through Olivia's short, soft hair. "That's it my baby. It's over. It's all over. Sleep now, my darling, sleep. We'll all still be here in the morning."

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When Alex awoke the next morning, Olivia was still in her arms, sleeping soundly. Carefully, so as not to wake her, she shifted slightly and grabbed her glasses. She peered at her watch, and realized to her surprise that it was 8.22am. She should have been up ages ago. Lily would have been up for over an hour. Alex couldn't work out why Lily hadn't come in to wake them, and then she smelled the coffee brewing.

She smiled, as she made her way to the kitchen, where she was greeted by the sight of Amy and Robyn, who were feeding pancakes to Lily, and making her laugh with silly faces.

Lily looked up. "Mommy!" her face split into a wide grin. "Look, bunny rabbits!"

Alex kissed her on the top of her head, and saw the rabbit-shaped pancake on Lily's plate. "Thank you," she smiled at their lodgers. "I hope she hasn't been too much trouble."

Robyn laughed. "She's never any trouble, are you sweetie?" she smiled at Lily. "Are you okay?" she saw the tired lines on Alex's face.

"I'm fine. We didn't get to bed until late, Liv didn't get in until the small hours this morning."

"Is Mama here?" Lily looked thrilled.

"She is, peanut," Alex explained. "But she's real tired, and she needs to get some sleep."

"I wanna see her," Lily looked distraught.

"I know, baby, but we should wait until she wakes up."

"I won't wake her up," Lily's lip wobbled. "I just wanna see her."

Alex pulled Lily into her lap. She knew that Lily had gotten anxious when Olivia was working. They tried their best to protect their daughter, but Lily knew that her Mama could get hurt at work, and she remembered still that terrible time when Olivia had been in the hospital after the stabbing. "Okay, baby," Alex pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'll tell you what. Once you're all washed and dressed, if your Mama hasn't woken up by then, we'll go into the bedroom. We'll be real quiet, and we won't wake her, but you can look at her, and you can see that she's fine."

"Okay, Mommy," Lily agreed. "I love Mama."

"We all do, baby, we all do."

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Alex hoisted Lily in her arms, smiling at her, as she put a finger in front of her lips. Lily was as quiet as a mouse, as Alex approached the bed, and gave a big grin when she saw Olivia's face clearly, unmarked and relaxed in her slumber.

Alex smiled at Lily, and nodded at her, as she started to exit the room.

"If that's my baby girl, she'd better not leave before she gives me a big hug," Olivia's voice was rough with sleep. She rolled on to her back, and cranked on eye open. "Hey, Lily-bean," she smiled.

"Mama!" Lily wriggled in Alex's arms.

Alex deposited Lily on the bed, her heart filling with joy as their daughter crawled into Olivia's arms.

Olivia rocked Lily gently. "I've missed you so much, munchkin," she said.

"Did you get the bad guy?" Lily asked.

"We did, my angel. He won't be doing any more bad things."

"S'good, Mama," Lily snuggled into her.

"Lily, we have something to tell you. Something important," Olivia patted the bed next to her, inviting Alex to sit down. "Don't we Alexandra?" she kissed Alex softly as she sat.

Alex nodded, suddenly lost for words. "You tell her," her voice cracked.

Olivia smiled. She took one of Lily's hand, and kissed it. She then pressed it against Alex's belly. "Something very special is happening in here," she smiled. "Can you guess what it is?"

"Have you got a sore tummy, Mommy?" Lily looked anxious.

Alex laughed, touched by her daughter's concern. "No baby girl, I don't have a sore tummy. But there is something happening inside me. Something real exciting."

Lily looked at Olivia, confused.

"Do you remember we told you all about Auntie Rosie, how she is going to have a baby?"

Lily nodded. "Auntie Melinda says the baby will be here real soon. And Auntie Rosie has a very big tummy," she said, solemnly.

"That's right," Olivia agreed. "The baby should be here within a few days. But at the moment, it's still all warm and snuggly in Auntie Rosie's tummy."

"But why is it in there?"

"Because that's where babies grow," Olivia explained. "They start off real small, and then they get bigger."

"And her tummy gets bigger!" Lily was thrilled to have made the connection.

"That's right, Lily. And your Mommy's tummy is going to get bigger real soon. Lily, Mommy is going to have a baby too. Not for another six months, but it will be here at the end of April next year."

Lily looked at Alex, needing confirmation of this bizarre news. Alex nodded, smiling. "It's true, Lily. We're going to have a baby. And you, baby girl, are going to be the best big sister in the world."

"Why are you having a baby Mommy?" Lily wanted to know.

Alex smiled at her, and pulled her into her lap. "Because when Mama had you, it made us both so happy. You have brought us so much joy, we just had to do it again."

Lily nodded, apparently satisfied. "Is your tummy going to get real big?" she giggled at the thought.

"It sure is, Lily."

"Will the baby like me when it comes?" Lily looked anxious.

"It's going to love you. This baby," Alex put her hand over Lily's on her belly, "is the luckiest baby in the world, because it gets to have you as its big sister."

Lily smiled. "Will it want to play with me?"

"It will, munchkin, once it gets a little older. To start with, it'll be really small."

"Like baby Daniel?"

"Just like that."

"Baby Daniel smiled at me last time we saw him," Lily remembered.

"And your little brother, or sister, will smile at you too. Lots and lots," Alex told her. "Though sometimes it will cry, but that's just because babies do that. It's going to grow up to love you very much."

"We hope you're going to help us take care of the baby," Olivia said, "once it's born."

"I pwomise," Lily said.

"We have to tell everyone about the baby now," Alex said.

"Amy and Wobyn?" Lily looked excited.

"Shall we tell them first? That's a good idea. I tell you what, Lily, why don't you go tell them now? Your Mama and I will come through in a few minutes."

Lily wriggled excitedly off the bed. "Amy! Wobyn!" she called, as she scampered toward the kitchen.

Olivia smiled at Alex, and drew her into a soft, tender kiss. "Are you okay?" she asked Alex.

"Never better," Alex smiled. They could hear exclamations of delight coming from the kitchen. She stood up, and put out both hands to Olivia. "Shall we?" she said.

Olivia allowed Alex to pull her to her feet. "Our own little loudspeaker," she could her Lily telling their news excitedly.

"Bring the phone," Alex suggested. "We can get Lily to talk to everyone. Shall we start with Sarah and Jay? And then Carolyn?"

Olivia nodded. "It's going to be a long morning," she yawned.

"Once we're done, let's ask Amy and Robyn to take Lily out for a couple of hours. You still need sleep."

"You too," Olivia smiled.

"We'll both sleep," Alex promised.


	42. Chapter 42

"Munch is in shock," Elliot laughed.

"Because Alex is pregnant?" Olivia asked.

"No! He always hoped Alex would have a baby. No, he's in shock that you managed to keep quiet about it for three months, and nobody here even guessed. How did you do it, Alex? Stop her acting like an over-protective mama-bear?"

"I didn't," Alex said, drily. "Your partner, Detective Stabler, has been treating me as though I'm made from spun glass from the very moment I conceived. She just hid it while she was here. I'm amazed she succeeded." Alex smiled at her lover. Olivia was so excited. She had sent her to the precinct a couple of hours earlier, as she wanted her to tell the guys on her own. Olivia had been so sweet, she deserved to be the one that told her colleagues – friends. So Alex hadn't been there when Elliot had swept her into his arms and hugged her tight.

Elliot had come a long way since his initial reaction to their relationship. Alex knew that he still struggled internally with the religious aspect, but he was so supportive and kind now that she found it easier to be around him. She would never be completely comfortable, and a small part of her realized that that was because she was jealous of his connection to Olivia. He was her partner, but everyone knew that their relationship was much more than professional. They loved each other, and Alex suspected that Elliot's love for Olivia wasn't completely platonic. She didn't blame him; she couldn't see how anyone could _not_ fall in love with her enchanting wife.

For his part, Elliot tried hard to overcome his natural antipathy to homosexuality, for Olivia's sake. He had had to admit, reluctantly, that he had never seen Olivia as happy as she had been with Alex. Alex was good for her. And he outright loved little Lily, who was now perched on Munch's knee and was toying with his glasses.

"So, Teflon, tell me you're gonna name this one after me?" Munch teased. "What do you think Lily?"

"Only if it's a girl, Munch," Alex smiled as she took Lily from his arms.

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Both of Carolyn's hands were full as the door to the apartment opened to reveal her younger sister. Carolyn dropped the bags on the floor, and seized Alex in a tight hug. "Oh Lexi," she tried to contain her tears. "This is the best news ever. I'm so pleased," she pulled back to look closely at Alex, without releasing her hands. "Are you okay? Are you keeping well?"

"I'm great," Alex laughed, though she was extremely touched at the concern her sister was showing. "I'm feeling good. And Liv is taking the very best care of me. What _is_ all this?"

Sarah called from behind her mother, where she and Jay stood, both almost hidden by all the shopping bags they carried. "Mom's been shopping!"

"_And_ some," muttered Jay, as she dropped her bags and headed back to the car with Sarah.

"It's just a few things," Carolyn smiled. "You can never have too many onesies," Carolyn smiled.

"This one's for you," Sarah held out a bag to Olivia.

Olivia opened it, to find two new warm robes. One had the initial 'A' embroidered on the front, the other 'O'.

"For cold nights, when you're up with the baby," Carolyn was suddenly embarrassed. She wondered if she had gone over the top.

Olivia pulled her into a tight hug. "You're very kind," she said. "This is all great."

Jay reappeared, bearing a box which she handed to Alex. "I'm told this one's for you," she said.

Alex opened the box and gasped.

"Just a care package for you," Carolyn told her. "For after. When you're tired, and sore."

Alex's eyes filled with tears, as she went through the box, finding moisturizer, shampoo, all types of expensive lotions, a bottle of her favorite perfume, a hot water bottle, massage oil, breast pads, an electric breast pump and so much more. The thoughtfulness of the gifts overwhelmed her. She remembered how tired, and tearful, Olivia had been from time to time after Lily's birth, and knew how vulnerable she had felt. "This is … Caro, this is wonderful."

Carolyn waved off her thanks. "There's a little something for Lily too," she said. "I phoned Olivia, and she said it would be alright."

Olivia nodded and smiled.

"Sarah?" Carolyn called.

Lily gasped when the saw the gift in Sarah's arms. It was a bright red bicycle, complete with training wheels and a safety helmet. "Mama?" she looked at Olivia, unable to believe her eyes.

"Don't forget to thank your Auntie Carolyn," Alex said, swiping a tear from her eye.

Already, Olivia had lowered the child on to the seat, and was wheeling her carefully around the apartment.

Alex turned to Carolyn, and fell apart in her embrace. She started to sob in earnest.

Carolyn guided her to the couch, and held her until she calmed. "Shh, Lexi. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad."

"You didn't make me sad. You have made me so happy."

"But you're thinking back to when Olivia was pregnant? And how I reacted then?" Carolyn remembered how unkind she had been to the heavily pregnant when she had met her in the lawyer's office. She blushed with embarrassment.

"No. Well... it's just so different now. We have this great family. And, God forbid, if something should happen to me or Liv, at least now we can be sure that our children would be taken care of. Loved. Not turned into clones of Mother."

"Nothing's gonna happen to either one of you. But you're right, if it did, we'd all pull together to make sure they had the upbringing you would want. I've learned so much, Alex. I'm so sorry for what I put you through."

"Don't feel bad. That's the last thing either of us wants," Olivia sat the other side of Alex, and held her hand as she spoke to Carolyn.

"Mommy? Why is Auntie Caro sad?"

Carolyn smiled at Lily, and hauled her into her lap. "Wow, you are such a big girl now."

"Why are you sad?" Lily persisted.

Carolyn decided honesty was the best policy. "I'm sad, sweetheart, because I missed all of this when you were in your Mama's tummy. For a while, I was real silly, and I wasn't very good friends with your Mommy, and it was when we weren't really friends that your Mama was carrying you."

"But you're friends now?"

Carolyn's eyes glistened. "We are. The best of friends. And one of the best things to come out of that is that I get to spend time with you. And I know we'll be friends for ever now, won't we Alex?"

Alex nodded, too moved to speak.

"So," Carolyn smiled. "Who wants to go to the park? I want to see Lily on her bicycle!"

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"I can't believe it," Alex mused as she lay in Olivia's arms on the couch that night. "Lily on a bike."

"It'll be a long while before we take those training wheels off!" Olivia laughed. She stroked Alex's arm softly. "Are you okay baby?" she knew that Alex had had a long talk with Wheels that evening while she was bat, and she had not yet told her what had been discussed. Olivia didn't want to push Alex into talking, but she hated the idea of her coping with bad news on her own.

Alex snuggled further in to her, and took her hand. "I'm fine," she said, quietly. "Wheels and May both send their love."

Olivia just squeezed Alex's fingers, waiting for her to speak again.

"Wheels says they went to the doctor."

"Oh yeah?"

"He wasn't very helpful. In fact, he was extremely unhelpful," a ghost of a smile twitched at Alex's lips. "So Wheels went into full-blown meltdown mode. From the way she was talking, she rather enjoyed it. So Dr Unhelpful suddenly had another appointment, and brought in his colleague instead. Turns out she understood, and she was very kind."

"She can't help May end her life, surely?"

Alex shook her head. "No. She's not allowed to do that. But she was honest with them, with both of them. So they know what to expect. And she told May that she'll be there to make things easier at the end. Pain relief, that sort of thing."

Alex couldn't believe she was talking this way to Olivia. She knew that Wheels and May were as close as they were, and she couldn't even begin to imagine what they were going through. She prayed that, if it came to it, she would be as brave as Wheels was being and would support Olivia in what she wanted – what she _really_ wanted. But she suspected she wouldn't. She was fairly sure she would be dragging Olivia, kicking and screaming, to the hospital, just so that she could selfishly enjoy just one more day, one more hour with her. Alex inhaled sharply at the thought.

"I know, baby," Olivia's voice was tender. "I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking the exact same thing."

Alex gulped.

"We have so many years ahead of us," Olivia resumed the stroking of her arm. "With Lily, and with this one," she lay her hand on Alex's belly.

"The doctor told them she'll be sort of okay for the next few months at least," Alex went on. "That nothing will change much. And she promised them she'd be honest with them as things start to … change."

Olivia nodded. "Can we do anything?"

"They want to see pictures of Lily. I know, Liv, let's take video of her on her new bike. We can email all that across, Wheel's a whizz on the computer."

"We'll do that tomorrow, it's Sunday, we have nothing planned."

"'kay," Alex said.

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"Lindy, it's okay," Rosie laughed. "It was hardly a contraction at all. Go back to sleep," she looked at the clock on the nightstand, and saw it was 3.24am."

"Let me just check you over," Melinda insisted. "It all happened so fast last time."

Rosie knew there was no point in arguing with her wife. "I'll do you a deal; I'll let you check things, as long as you promise to sleep after. We're both going to need all our energy, and I swear to you, Melinda Warner, if you fall asleep when our baby is born, I'm going to make your life a living hell," she grinned, evilly, even as Melinda was pulling down the quilt.

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**7.20am**

"I know it's early," Melinda's voice was tense as Olivia opened the door to her.

Olivia laughed, as four-year-old Katie barreled into her, demanding a hug. She lifted her up in the air, and planted a noisy kiss on her cheek, while she reached for 11-year-old Gracie with the other hand, placing it lovingly on her head. "Hey, Trouble," she smiled at Gracie. "Let me guess."

"Mommy's having her baby!" Katie declared.

"Is she okay?" Olivia asked Melinda, beckoning her in.

Melinda shook her head. "I won't stay. Do you mind? I can call Rosie's mom, get her to come over."

Olivia laughed, placing Katie on the floor. "Lily's having her breakfast," she told her. "Go through and see her, she'll be so pleased to see you, both of you. Melinda," she placed her hand on Melinda's arm, "we both know that the last thing either of you need is Rosie's mom right now. I love her, I think she's wonderful, but she'd drive you crazy in under an hour. We'll have a great time with the girls. Amy and Robyn are spending the day with us too, we're all going to the park again this morning, and I strongly suspect we'll end up visiting the café for lunch. Joe and Vanessa are complaining they aren't seeing enough of Lily, and Vanessa will not stop fussing over Alex now that she knows she's pregnant. So how far along is she?"

"Not far. Only 2cm so far, it could still be a very long time. But..."

"After last time," Olivia smiled, remembering the day of Katie's birth only too well. "Go. Send her our love. She'll do great. So will you. Call us when you can, we'll both leave our cellphones on."

Melinda pulled her into a warm hug. "Thank you," she whispered.

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**13 hours later**

"Melinda Elizabeth Warner, I can tell you right now that you are _never_ having sex with me again," Rosie was panting in fury.

Melinda tried to suppress a smile. The calm, happy, serene Rosie had, just in the past hour, turned into a screeching, foul-mouthed harpy.

"What the fuck are you smiling at?" Rosie demanded.

Rosie never swore. Not until now. Melinda was looking forward to taunting her about her language later. Much later.

"It's your fault I'm in this position now. If you hadn't gotten me pregnant..."

"I don't suppose it's going to help if I point out that, despite all that _wonderful_ sex, I didn't, in fact, get you pregnant?"

"What the fuck do you think?" Rosie's voice was low and threatening. "Christ," she bellowed, as another contraction hit her. "This is inhumane. Just how much more of this shit am I going to have to put up with?"

"You're eight centimeters," the midwife told her mildly. "My guess is you've got another couple of hours to go."

"Hours? Two _fucking_ hours?"

"Give or take. It's hard to be exact. It could be less."

"You mean it could be _more_," Rosie said, darkly.

"Rosa," Melinda rubbed her back lovingly. "I know this is hard. But you're doing well. And you can yell at me all you like. But I've told Lisa," she smiled at the midwife, "that if you start yelling at her, she has every right to up and leave. And we don't want that, do we?"

Rosie looked in Melinda's eyes, seeing only love and concern. She nodded, and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she looked over at Lisa. "I'm being a bitch."

"You're okay, honey," Melinda whispered. "You're allowed to be a bitch. But just to me."

Rosie gripped her hand as another contraction hit her. "I'm sorry," she panted, as it receded. "It just hurts so damned much. Each contraction, it's like..."

"Like you're being ripped in two?" Melinda said softly.

Rosie nodded.

"Oh honey, it'll all be over soon."

"Don't leave me?" Rosie pleaded. "I'll behave. I swear."

"I'm not going anywhere, Rosa. I'm right here, by your side, for the duration. And baby, you don't have to behave, not with me. That's what I'm here for. The baby's doing real well," she nodded toward the monitor. "And you've done everything right. You just need to get through this part."

Rosie nodded, as she relaxed into Melinda's embrace. "The girls?"

"They're with Olivia and Alex, remember?"

"But it's evening. Katie should be going to bed in an hour."

"Alex told me Amy and Robyn are going to take them home, stay with them, so they can sleep in their own beds. You want to speak to them?"

Rosie gave a hollow laugh. "I better not. I can't guarantee I'll be able to keep it clean," another contraction hit her. "_Fuck_, that hurts," she yelled, as if to prove her point.

"I think you've been spending too long with Abbie," Melinda smiled. "Her language is rubbing off on you."

"Are you sure the baby's okay?" for the first time, Rosie sounded scared.

"The baby's perfect. Listen," Lisa, the midwife, put the stethoscope in Rosie's ears. "That's a lovely strong heartbeat. Your baby is fine and healthy, and will be here before you know it."

Rosie gave a small smile. "Thank you," she said, quietly.

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**5.48am**

"Melinda?" Olivia snatched up her phone, seeing her name on the screen. "Hang on," she whispered, as she slid out of bed and grabbed her robe. Once she was in the living room, she spoke into the phone again. "So? Tell me!"

"I've just texted you a photo," Melinda sounded euphoric. "Of our son. Our perfect, healthy son, Theo Edward. Nine pounds eight ounces."

"That's fantastic! How's Rosie?"

"She's wonderful. I'm so proud of her. I'm sorry to disturb you Liv, I just had to tell someone."

"I've got to be at the precinct early today, I was planning to get up at 6am anyway. Melinda, I'm so pleased. Everyone will be delighted. Do you want Alex to bring the girls in? She's not working today."

"Maybe later, when Rosie's had some sleep. Around 12pm maybe? Then I can take the girls home afterwards."

"I'll tell Alex; I'll leave her a note if she's not awake before I leave. Melinda, that's wonderful news, it really is. I'm so pleased for you all."

"You just wait until I tell you all about Rosie's language during labor," Melinda chuckled. "I can't wait to embarrass her about it."

"I'll look forward to it! Now get back to your family. Send Rosie – and Theo – my love."

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"You look tired, sweetheart," Jay said, as Sarah let herself into the apartment at nearly 9pm. Sarah's eyes were heavy-lidded, and she looked pale.

"It's been a long day. I'm sorry. I had to finish stuff for my presentation next week. How are you, Jay?"

"I'm worried about you," Jay replied honestly. "This is more than tiredness, isn't it? Something's upset you."

Sarah nodded wordlessly. She hated that she had been put in such a difficult position. Her love for Jay went before everything in her life. Absolutely everything. And now … things would have to change. She could either lie to Jay and pretend nothing had happened, or she could face up to the issue. She looked at Jay's honest, open face. "Can we talk?" Sarah asked.

Before she knew it, she was in Jay's warm, loving arms. "Of course we can talk," Jay tried not to panic. She could see that Sarah was badly shaken, and she wanted to help her without spooking her. "Whisky?"

Sarah shook her head. "No. Not tonight. I don't want my thinking to be clouded in any way. It's work, honey."

"Go on," Jay's voice was soft and encouraging.

"You remember about this time last year? I think it was in the first week of December. We had our big dinner/dance thing."

"I remember. I remember how beautiful you looked in that red dress. I've never been so proud to have you on my arm."

Sarah looked into Jay's eyes, and started to sob.

"Shh, sweetheart. Hey, baby girl," Jay caressed her cheek, "it's okay. We'll fix it. Whatever it is, we'll fix it."

"It's my new boss," Sarah gulped.

"Eleanor?"

"No. Not my immediate boss. The head honcho. Eric Jurgens. Remember, I told you about him? He was there last year, but he was only running sales then."

"The moustache!" Jay remembered. "There was something … I dunno … sinister about him. The way he was schmoozing. He kissed my hand."

"That's him. I'm surprised you remember him."

"Hard to forget," Jay frowned slightly at the memory.

"He remembered you too," Sarah's voice shook. "He told me he liked you."

"What's not to like?" Jay said, lightly.

"He told me not to bring you this year."

"He what?" Jay was astounded. "What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything," Sarah said. "You didn't do anything at all. Apart from being sweet, and kind, and fun. Everyone else loved you. Eleanor thinks you're wonderful."

"So what is his problem?"

"You're a woman. He … _hinted_ … that some of our corporate sponsors may be too conservative."

"Too conservative for what? What in the hell does he mean?"

"He said … and, God, Jay, he was so clever. He never actually said anything directly. But he hinted strongly that … what did he call it? My _lifestyle choices_," she spat, in fury, "could compromise our relationship with our sponsors."

"Wasn't that guy Gary one of the sponsors?" Jay was remembering.

"Dyntech, yeah. They're our biggest contributor."

"But we spent most of the evening with him and his wife. We had a blast! They were both so much fun," Jay couldn't understand what was happening.

Sarah looked glum. "I know. He's trying to hide his own homophobia by blaming it on others. He made it clear that I wouldn't get that promotion if I turned up with you. I need that promotion, Jay. We need the money. It's worth nearly 12 grand to us."

"Oh my sweet baby," Jay held her as she started to sob anew. "We could sue, you know."

"No we couldn't. He was very careful what he actually said. And there were no witnesses. Nothing in writing. He's very clever, Jay. I don't want to deny who I am, and I sure as hell don't want to deny what you mean to me. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Christ, we've been through all of this with Mom. I didn't think I'd have to face it in the workplace."

"When is the dinner/dance?" Jay wanted to know.

"Saturday after next."

"So we have time."

"Time for what?" Sarah's face was a mask of misery.

"To think about the options. The way I see it, we have a range of choices. One, you go alone, it keeps him happy, and you get that promotion. You said it yourself when he got the job, he won't be around for long."

"And I just have to pretend that my girlfriend … my _fiancée_ … doesn't exist? What happens when we have kids? Do I have to invent a husband?"

"It won't come to that," Jay spoke gently.

"But what choice do I have?"

"Well, you could pretend to be sick that day, that way you won't have done what he asks. He'll know why, but he won't be able to prove it. Or," Jay took a deep breath, "we can go to the dinner/dance together. You won't get the promotion, but at least he'll know he doesn't own you."

"Is that what you want me to do?"

"I want you to do whatever you feel is best. Whatever you choose. And I really mean that. Whatever, I'll be behind you. I'll back you all the way."

"I could look for a new job."

"But you love working with Eleanor, and the rest of the guys. And you are damned good at it. One day, my genius, you're gonna be a big part of finding a cure for so many neurological problems. That'll be worth it."

"Not if it means denying you," Sarah shook herself. "I told Mom all that time ago that I would never deny who I am, and I never will." She pulled her phone out of her pocket, and dialed. "Eleanor?" she said, shakily, when the call was answered. "I'm sorry to disturb you so late. I just wanted to tell you something."

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"Sarah! You look stunning," Eleanor drew Sarah into a warm hug. She was smiling widely, as she looked over at Jay. "You brought her," she whispered.

Sarah nodded, forcing herself to smile.

"Thank God," Eleanor beamed. "Harry will be so relieved," she gestured over to her husband, who was kissing Jay on the cheek. "He hates these corporate things, but he so enjoyed meeting Jay last year. And Gary from Dyntech is over there, he's been asking about the pair of you. He tells me he has a new card trick to show Jay."

Sarah went pale as she looked across the room. Eleanor looked over, and saw what had caused her reaction. "Jurgens can't touch you, Sarah."

"But he can fire me," Sarah tried not to sound bitter.

"Not as long as I'm your boss, he can't. You're the best I've ever worked with. Relax, we're all on your side. Anyway," she lowered her voice, "you may not have to worry for much longer."

Sarah looked quizzically at her.

"Just concentrate on surviving tonight. Try and have fun. Tell me, are you and Jay free for dinner Tuesday night?"

Sarah nodded.

"I'll text you the details. Smile, Cabot. Try and relax. Let your girlfriend take care of you," she smiled as Jay took Sarah's hand.

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"What are we doing here?" Sarah hissed, as she got out of the cab with Jay at her side.

"We're meeting your boss. Who you like, remember?" Jay smiled.

Sarah peered into the restaurant, and spotted her boss at a table, with her husband Harry. She was startled to see Gary from Dyntech, and his wife Elizabeth, seated at the same table.

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"So you see," Gary finished his long explanation. "It's quite simple. Dyntech no longer needs to use your lab, as we're setting up our own research facility. I've asked Eleanor to run it for us and, thank God, she has agreed. And now she's putting together the dream team."

"And that includes me?" Sarah was almost dumbstruck.

"As one of the team leaders," Eleanor said. "You have the drive, the ambition. The intelligence. And the courage. It took a lot of courage to bring Jay to that evening. You were risking a lot. But you told me you didn't feel you had a choice."

"I am who I am. It's not hurting anybody. And if I'm going to progress, in any job, I can only do it with Jay by my side," she reached for Jay's hand. "That promotion would have been empty if I had had to pretend, for a single moment, that Jay isn't the most important thing in my life."

"And now you won't have to. If you come work with us. Look, it's a lot to take in, I know," Gary said. He handed her a stack of papers. "Don't rush to a decision. Go home, read through all of this, and let me know what you want to do."

"I want to work for you," Sarah said.

"But you don't even know what I'm offering."

"I know you'll be fair, you won't screw me over. And I can't think of anything better than keeping Eleanor as my boss. I'll hand in my notice tomorrow. Thank you," she looked her straight in the eye, and held out her hand.

Gary smiled as he shook it. "This is great news," he said.


End file.
